Chapter 5: Nightmares
Rakdarian stood in front of a burned down house. His face was covered in soot and ashes, flecked with open cuts and bruises. In his hand was the handle of a stainless steel kitchen knife, most of the blade was gone. His clothing was a simple blood soaked shirt and a pair of shredded jeans. At his feet were the smoldering corpses of his family. He cried as he staired at the burning building, which was his home. It was dark out, nearby was a burned-out car. Beyond it was a mass of faceless, shuffling monsters, their arms outstretched. Each one bore bite-marks, burns, long slashes, or missing limbs. Rakdarain's tears cut small paths through the soot under his eyes as he turned to face them. They were worn. On the arm that didn't hold the knife bore a bloodied wound.
Rakdarian sobbed as he turned to run. The mob of creatures lunging toward him in a tide of decaying flesh. A low roar erupted from the mass of diseased creatures. The bite on his arm thrummed in response. A rush of energy erupted from the pulsating wound as he ran. The knife handle fell out of his hand as he sprinted through the monsters. Rakdarian let out a haunted laugh as he escaped the horde. There was a resounding crash and suddenly he was sitting in front of a smiling girl several years younger then him. She wore a torn dress with leather padding covering the shoulders, forearms, stomach and the sides of her legs. She held a .308 rifle that was almost as big as her while Rakdarian held a sawed off double barreled 12 gauge in his hands.
"I think it's time we parted ways Rak." She said sadly.
"But why? What did I do?" Rakdarian replied as she stood up.
"You're... Different. Everyone else knows it, and seeing you out there..." She trailed off.
"What? What did i do? I've always done my job. I've always protected the group. WHAT DID I DO!?"
"You scare the children. I appreciate what you did when you faced that Behemoth." She said as she absentmindly started filling up a magazine with ammo. "Personally, I admire you for it, but what I saw. You faced the monstrosity alone, with a rictus grin. You faced it alone. While the rest of us ran. An not only that but you tore it to shreds. That thing was almost 15 feet tall, and you ripped it apart. Without sustaining a single injury until you hit your head on the asphalt. We're afraid. I'm afraid. So I'm going to ask you one more time. Please leave. You were a good friend but you're too unstable to keep close."
Rakdarian sobbed as he turned to leave. Truth be told he didn't remember anything after the behemoth showed up. Only a flash of rage, then waking up to a head shattering headache. This worried him but he couldn't do much about it as he left the camp. Wary stares followed his path as he walked back into hell. Someone called out " Don't you dare come back you freak. I'll put a bullet in you!" As he exited.
Then he was standing in a drizzle as he stood against two others. One carried a small handgun and a machete. The guy wore dark composite armor as he stared into the hungry gazes of the creatures surrounding them. The kid to the right of Rakdarian, only slightly shorter than him held an Ak-47 in trembling hands. Rakdarian himself wore a leather duster, covered in nicks and bloodstains. In his hands was a drum-fed shotgun with camo paint. The barrel was cut short and was painted in light brown and tan camouflage. on their backs were satchels carrying things like extra ammo, food, and other necessities. Surrounding them was hundreds of the animated rotting corpses.
Rakdarian roared as he fired round after round into the approaching horde, litterally ripping the advance to pieces. The front line dropped like flies. Behind him the younger kid fired wildly into the advancing crowd. setting the creatures on fire. Far fewer dropped to the ground. The fire doing little other then just filling the air with thick black smoke and the smell of burned flesh. The third shot his Glock, precisely destroying the heads of any that got close.
This lasted a whole 45 seconds. Then the kid cursed as he ran out of ammo. And just like that. The mob ripped the kid apart. Seconds later the Glock jammed when a zombie made it past the whirling blade and sank it's rotted teeth into the flesh of middle aged man. After that the machete sank into the creature's spine and the blade wouldn't come out. After that the man foot hand to hand until he became overwhelmed.
Standing alone. Still surrounded by about 90 more of the living dead. Rakdarian looked at the crowds of zombies consuming his friends. His shotgun clicked as he ran out of shells. The creatures still lunged at him. Rakdarian threw his now empty shotgun to the ground and ran towards the machete. Rakdarain ripped the blade out of the fallen creatures neck and began hacking away at the remainders of the zombies. They surrounded him, grabbing at his coat. It tore away in strips as a wide grin tore its way across the blood soaked face of the beast that was beginning to show itself through his features. The tarnished blade whipped in arcs as one after another each creature fell into piles around him. Bites sunk into his flesh as he slaughtered anything that got close. The maniacal laughter could be heard over the groans of the monsters. When the last zombie fell. he looked around. The scene was a series of ripped apart people, the corpses of children, ripped apart men and women. Rakdarian stood over them, covered in bullet wounds and soaked in blood.
With a start, he awoke. The memories of his past tore at him. Tears streamed down his face as he remembered each and every single person he had killed. With a shuddering sob he looked into the dying flames. Darkness edged his vision as he fought the surge of guilt that swelled against him. "Don't think about it,"He thought. as the sun slowly came up over the horizon.
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4882290
You're right, it doesn't excuse it. At all.
In any way what so ever.
Knowingly using a cliche taken from only bad fics and saying "they did it, so I can too" is pretty much the worst thing you can do.
4898033 Right now he';s better then me. And all i have. If you have any suggestions on who would be a good editor, I would much appreciate it. There initially was a reason why the f in Found was capitalize, I've since scrapped that itdea so its not the editors fault on that one. However you are correct in the fact that I need another editor. The one I'm waiting on hasn't gotten to editing it yet, something about irl stuff. I began writing this story to improve my writing ability. There will likely be lots of changes, in storytelling, character development. Thank you for pointing those errors out. I would ask you to be an editor, however based on the theme of your speech I'm guessing That's out of the question.
4882290
You used up a lot of words there and really didn't say anything. Here's the issue: you took a problem that exists in a lot of stories and instead of trying to fix it just said "fuck it" and did the same thing.
That's a huge mistake right there. Simply because something has been done poorly a hundred times before, does not mean it's okay to be the hundred and first one to repeat it. Recognizing the problem means you have the option to fix it. Not doing so means you're just lazy or unimaginative in which case there's no reason for you to be writing stories.
a katana...
A fucking katana.
You know I can appreciate that it's a beautiful looking sword. I can look at it and see the craftsmanship and how the handmade ones can be considered works of art. What I have a problem with is how every weeb out there acts like they're the greatest sword in the universe. They're not. Yes they're sharp and can cut a man literally in half provided you have the right training but they're brittle as hell which is why it led to the whole "1 cut 1 kill" mentality. These are not fencing swords. These are not swords you strike against each other. These are swords that have a singular purpose and are designed for that one purpose and one purpose only. Hit one laterally and it will break like a cheap toy guaranteed. And to top it all off, the one that it belongs to and is really good with it just happens to be Asian with a Hindi girl's name. But then I guess everybody in this story has a weird name so maybe it's a stylistic choice and not just a mistake.
Then without warning, or explanation he's kicked out of the group and effectively left to die. This guy must be one hell of a douche for them to do this because honestly in the situation they're in they need every single person they can to survive especially one who's so amazing at fighting that this Gary Stu happens to be.
Lots of errors in both grammar and spelling. I'm really not inclined to read anything past the prologue because it's probably just going to be the same thing over again.
4899028 On your first point, I agree 100% completely. The general effect of what I said there was pretty much "fuck it, I'm going to follow what everyone else does". It may be lazy writing. However I must ask, "How would you fix it given the chance?" Since this story is told mostly from the perspective of the main character, How would he go about finding out why he acts in a specific way. Is he a god? Does he automatically know everything about himself and knows what to call everything that affects him? Is he completely self aware? The answer is no. And when i said that I was addressing the first chapter not the prologue.
On the katana bit, I admit to not knowing Most of what you had said. For that I thank you. I honestly thought that they were the greatest swords in the universe. However, I in no way, said anything of that sort in the story. It isn't even used. At all. At the point I put it in was what I imagined a post-apocalyptic armory to look like. On the name, I really just pulled that form the ether. Probably a mistake but I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.
On the but about the character being a Gary Stu. I'm going to have to disagree. Here we go into spoiler territory but since you seem to not care... I modeled the character after Rampage, from Project Horizons. The character, Rakdarian is a traumatized, low self control monster. He was kicked out because he was an unstable person. An excellent fighter is great, unless there is an equal likely-hood he would kill the people he was protecting in the first place. This is hinted at in the future chapters. I want to think of he's not a Gary Stu, but i can't force you to read the next chapters. I also don't expect advice, on how to better my character development that is, but it is something that I would very much appreciate.
Now for the last point. I really, really, wish I was better at editing. Then that wouldn't be as much of a problem. I understand if you don't like it for that. And that's something I can respect. But if you wouldn't mind pointing them out, I'd get right to fixing them.
I started writing this to improve my writing skill. I know it's bad, but I want to fix that.
4900004
There's two ways about this. The first is to stop writing in first person. This is a newbie mistake and we've all done it because it makes the story feel more personal. We're able to think and act as if we're standing there but it makes for a boring read because there's no way to explain or tell the reader what is happening elsewhere.
During the time he's out gathering food, you could have had a "council" meeting and Oshima (seriously you need to change that name. Call him fucking Tanaka if you want as that's like "Smith" in Japan) raises the problem of young Rakdar... I mean Rakdarian. You don't even have to go into details. Just as soon as he leaves, Tanaka turns to his second in command and says something cryptic like, "gather everybody else, we need to have a council vote" or something like that. You can fill in backstory and even things happening on Equestria. In limiting yourself to just first person you limit what it is you can tell the reader which is only what the main character can see.
Don't get me wrong, as I said they're great looking swords and they served their purpose but in a post-apocalyptic world having a guy that just so happens to have one is stretching possibility. You mention this guy having a machete. That's a lot more practical and makes a lot more sense. It doesn't even have to be a machete. They're in a Wal*Mart of all places. There's got to be improvised weapons there not to mention a sporting goods department. Maybe a hand axe. Or if you want to get all Mad Max how about something scavenged like a lawnmover blade or something used to cut brush on your property? You making it a katana just screams "weeaboo".
You're right. I don't care. But he's been able to take out two of these mutants and the folk in the Wal*Mart want him gone so that when a thousand mutants show up he's the only one that can stop them and he does. I'm sorry but a normal human being would not be able to do that kind of damage unless he was either really good or really lucky. Both screen Gary Stu.
Then you fail because this should have been set up already. You can hint at something without actually pointing it out. Maybe have people be uncomfortable around him, Move slightly out of the way when he comes by. Have him sit alone when eating. People stop talking and are suddenly on their guard when he shows up. Stuff like that would at the very least give us an indication he's not only a badass but give reasons why suddenly at the end he's betrayed.
Sorry, I do that all the time at work. I don't do it in my spare time except in the most limited of ways. You can search for groups on this site that do editing. They do exist.
4900139 Wow, thanks a ton. You've helped me more then the creative writing class I took in seventh grade. Damn...
I did take most of your suggestions to heart. and changed accordingly. The end part he didn't actually kill that many zombies. It again shadowed the whole first person perspective. Which was in-turn inspired form other stories like Fallout:Equestria and Diaries of a Madman. I guess this perspective is better for those who better understand writing.
4898574 Alright, so it's a problem for you. I've already asked Blackguard how he'd change it. So how would you? It's a general thing with others, How would you fix that? Make it better. I know it's wrong, but unfortunately I'm not the top notch in the creativity department. So, how would you fix it. I could add some internal dialogue. Which does end up happening I should add. I mean I could make it so that dimensional travel is possible and common, and bypass that trope. That would completely ruin my vision for what i want to happen. Or I could switch the story to a more third person perspective. which, now that I've had some time to think about it is probably the best thing i could do. And further explain whats happen to Mr MC. Coarse I always thought what mental illnesses, or things of that nature were meant for the reader's to decide. which is why i tried to go with a first person oriented story to begin with.
Now, I'm going to have to disagree with you on that only bad fics use that trope. Granted what constitutes "good" or "bad" is a matter of opinion. Stories like Diaries of a Madman, Xenophilia, Griffin the griffon, Headless not heartless, and everything in chess game of the gods and league of humans acting villainous all used that trope to the best of my knowledge. So... Yeah.
I do want to know what you have to think. Like I said before I'm writing this to help improve my poor writing skills.
4900513
I can't say exactly how to fix it, but I can offer advice.
If you see anything in more than one or two HiEs, it pretty much means "don't do it".
This is actually a very good idea. It would certainly set it apart from the masses of 1st person fics that plague this site.
The bolded fics are ones you should avoid emulating at all costs. They're cliched beyond reason and overpopular because of a lack of taste on this site.
If you see anything in DoaMM make sure you don't use it because it will only drag you down, same goes for Man of War.
As I said, if you've seen it before in an HiE or popular fic, don't do it. Be yourself, not a drone following the pack.
Here's a rundown of SR/SNS's method to HiE:
Ask yourself, "has this been done before?", "what would be so off the wall and absurd that no one has done it?" and "what would be the most awesome thing I could get away with without it being a joke?"
And that's pretty much how you be original.
That's how I came up with fics about Equestria being inhabited by Atrociraptors or Soviet cyber/diesel/steampunk air pirates.
All by asking questions like "What haven't I seen HiE protags doing?" and "Where haven't I seen them appear?" and "How haven't I seen them appear?"
4900705 I sort of see your point. I disagree with it, but i do understand why you would think that way. I'm not really sure how to respond to it either. I am curious as to why you think Diaries is overly cliched.
As to making a story concept, I know what I want my story to be like, I'm just not entirely sure how to flesh it out yet. Now, I could probably label every single story on this site as cliched and bad, if I were to draw lines from Diaries. And since other people are doing it, and readers seem to enjoy it because those kinds of stories get features, and those authors get favorites and fowws and all those kinds of things. I could take this knowledge and make a really generic clop-fic that panders to everyone. OR I could use some elements of the stories that were successful, and use those to make something that is unique. I mean with your logic All stories that have any original characters, feature any of the main cast, all HiE's, Stories that focus on one main protagnist surrounded by supporting charcters are all bad.
Take My little Dashie. IT involves earth. Humans. The main charcter being a pseudo parent to a pony, and is sad
now lets look at Diaries It takes place on earth(future earth but earth nontheless) The main character is a human. It involves humans. Navarone adopts an orphan foal. And it can be cripplingly sad at times.
I get the chunky tomato sauce argument. but it still has to be tomato sauce.
4899014
Try the Looking for Editors group.
4903553 Ah yes, that group is where i got my current editor. Anyone specific?
4906624
Try to find somebody who's also a member of Twilight's Library.
4906647 Hmm... well let's see where that takes us
Turns out they don't do editing.
4924838
I'm saying look for somebody in the Editors group who is also part of that group. They should have high standards.
It's official. I have writer's block. I have no idea what i'm going to do next.
Sorry to anyone who was invested in this story. Unfortuneatly I wrote it in a way that made it impossible for me to progress in the fashion that i want it to. But fear not, for i am completely rewriting it so it can be better. I may come back to this version of a story sometime in the distant future but as it stands i will not be adding any new chapters to this particular version of the story. I apologize to anyone who decided to put effort into editing, and investing their time in reading this.
On a happier note, My re-done version of this story is now posted, it even has a new title The Equalizer