• Member Since 6th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 1st, 2014

Jaohni


I hung ae vung ee nungo rung ea sung o nung tungo wung rung i tunge ee a bung i o (note that English IS my first language)

T

shortened description- a brony an anti-brony an equinophiliac and an equinophobiac get transported to a strange land full of friendship, magic, ponies (ponies!), and rainbows *cue barf mode*
told from the prospective from someone with a deathly fear of horses, fun




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this is a story about how (in the order mentioned in the short description) Shay, Tom, George, and the character whose perspective this story is told from, James, these four get transported to Equestria while playing a game of halo: reach, of course, in Equestria only two of these people could even come close to fit in and i can guarantee that the most funny part of this series would have to be the misinterpretation and George's antics. All I can tell you people for sure is that this is going to be a work-in-progress effort for me to improve my writing skills (i haven't written anything for five years) so i hope you enjoy my fail-worthy puns and REFERENCES to super explicit scenes.

also, please vote fairly, as i haven't written a fan fic...well, ever so this is going to be my first attempt, but because of that i appreciate constructive criticism. also note that this is on some level a self insert, but that's because I'm a horrible writer and can't completely separate myself and my tendencies from those of my characters, or characters already made by other people, so i hope you enjoy me stumbling by awkwardly! on a side note, i thought i would warn you, the first person to quote my breaking the fourth wall sentence in bold gets to ask me three questions that I am obligated to answer unless I deem it WAY too personal to answer cheers mates (I'm Canadian, not Australian, if you are wondering)



finally i will not include *clop clop* stuff, i mean really people, i have no writing skills whatsoever, you do not want me to ruin your image of your favorite ponies (though i will likely reference *clop clop* things, but ONLY references, and as little dirty language as possible, it ruins the theme)

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 29 )

This description, my god.
I can barely read it before getting bored shitless, seriously. Tl;dr version pweeeease?

I like title, it represents me cause I consider mysel a freakin idiot beyond comprehension

Huh.... Bit quick on the pacing but has potential. I will watch this, for now.:trixieshiftright:

419773 sure thing, I'll whip one up right now :scootangel:

419786 i kind of thought it was too slow, thanks for the advice, guess I'm just paranoid

Paranoia equals pissing yourself In bed from a scary ass dream OOOORRR an awesome idea that becomes a work of art because of something that bothered or is bothering you

Though I see here THAT IS NOT THE CASE with you stay crazy my good aquaintance

It's... alright.

For the love of god though, spelling and capitalization... My mind hurts from trying to piece that together without having it already done for me. You know, like it should be. Now I understand you haven't wrote anything in awhile, or that you don't have an editor, but at least you shouldn't be making this constant, glaring errors on simple spellings and capitalization.

I... may need to withhold my vote, or a track, until I see more improved chapters, or just a revamp of what you got. All in all, it's not a bad story. Many antics could be had, but...

Seriously, friend-- SPELLING.

You kept changing from Fluttershy to Flutter shy. Decide on the correct one. (Hint: It's Fluttershy) I really think this is interesting though and I look forward to reading more.:pinkiehappy:

420198 sorry, i guess I'll pay more attention to that in the future then...:ajsleepy: but, I am getting back into the swing of things so you will see A LOT less errors than there was in this chapter, i may also go through this again and see if I can find any errors I missed on my first 5 read-through(s) :twilightblush:

420825 agh, sorry about that, i just sort of used microsoft word (and an old version of it too boot) so it kept changing Fluttershy to Flutter shy, I'll try and be more careful in the future, anyway, hope you enjoy this, it's going to be a really fun read later on :raritywink:

Description sounds very interesting. I'll give this a go.

Okay.. after reading the first chapter I have a few comments about the story-line and the writing style.
First off, the story-line: I liked reading this, it was an interesting story and the characters had more realistic reactions to things going on around them. (Unlike the stories where everything is always fine and dandy) The interaction between characters was rather fun to read. Overall, I am liking the plot.

Next, the writing style: There are a lot of places where I got a bit confused. This was mostly because of the choppy dialog. You should work on making it so the reader knows who is talking. Many times when I was reading this story, I was lost and thought a kid was talking when it was actually one of the ponies. Use less commas in your writing, they shouldn't substitute a period. Pretty much just read the story a few times before putting it out to make sure it is an easy read. If there is any part that get hung up on, even if you think it would be fine, try to find ways to change it and make it flow better.

I do like this story and I can't wait to see where their adventure goes. If you need any help with looking for grammatical errors, I will be more than happy to help. :twilightsmile:

422278 thanks for the advice, as a general rule of thumb, i try to say who's speaking before the dialog, but if the mainstream is putting it after in the past tense, well anything to suit my audience:twilightsmile:

422299 I'm not saying to change your writing style, just make it more clear to the reader as to what is happening.

422313 i see, can do, shouldn't be too hard.

on a side note, for all the trackers of this series i will upload chapters on all days that end in an even number, ie: tomorrow, Tuesday, Thursday, etc.

Oh wow... I just realized what happened at the end. George you noob. There is an unconscious pony in the corner yet you have to mess with the sweetest pony there. Shay will not be happy when he finds out what you did to Fluttershy.
Fav part of the story is the dialog between Twilight and the main character. :3

OK I just finished editing the entire thing, mostly fixing a couple of capital letters, in case anyone really bothered to check for capitalized letters in the dialogue boxes, anyway, I'm still writing the next chapter, so uh, hope you don't mind the wait :rainbowderp:

420825
420198
419884
419786
Hey, guys, fans, haters, gals, and everything inbetween, I just finished chapter two with Neogreenyew's help, thanks everyone who is a fan (whether the like to blow wind or follow my stuff) anyway, enjoy

Old medieval movie actors would be jealous? Rarity has a mid Atlantic accent. Not an old English one. Anyway, I look forward to more.:pinkiehappy:

449088 exactly why they would be jealous, mid Atlantic's where it's at! Also note that I said nobles :moustache:

449097 But... they are completely different! Old English, maybe posh whereas mid Atlantic isn't posh or noble at all. It does sound cool though.

It would suck so so much to have equinophobia in a country full of equines. It would be like I suddenly found myself in a country full of spiders. I would not be happy.

465053 *cue spider riders theme music*

Hey guys, enjoy the chapter!

TO MACH CLEESHAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enemy attacks good guys friend. Good guy fights enemy. Enemy turns out to be a relative/close friend. Enemy away.

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