My Little Pony: Idiocy Is Magic

by Jaohni

A night at the hospital

Sorry for the late update guys, but i hope you enjoy this nice little chapter I just got up.

A Night In The Hospital

“Twilight! This is a disaster, he can’t live with me!” Said Rainbow Dash, I don’t blame her though, as I’m not exactly the type to sleep in a girl’s house (at least not without knowing her). But my possible objections died when Twilight gave her ‘the look’. I won’t lie, not a lot of things could scare me, realistically, but the new number one on that list was definitely that stare that Twilight gave Dash. I think it scared me as much as it did its intended recipient.

“Rainbow, he needs a place to stay, and I can’t have you two fighting all of the time! You'll need to make up eventually.” I was wondering what kind of place Rainbow had; seeing as I would stay in it for as long as it took me to get back. Eventually Rainbow Dash said something that probably confused me less than it should have

“He has no wings, Twilight, how can he get in!? He’s just gonna hold me back Twi!” Rainbow said to Twilight, in a very concerned voice, and it was rather quiet too. I don’t think she expected me to hear that.

“I can hear you…also, why would wings matter, of course I don’t have wings, no human does, besides I can’t live with…a h-horse!” I was frantic at this point, being sentenced to live with a girl that I didn’t know, who was a horse, and who apparently required all of her roommates to have wings. Twilight gave a sort of sympathetic glance at me and said (in a rather calm tone, might I add)

“Don’t worry about it you‘ll be fine. Anyway, Rainbow Dash lives in a house above the clouds, made of clouds, so you should love it…but the wing thing is a problem. Luckily I have just the right spell; I’ve been wanting to test long term wing spells for a while anyway!” she grinned, slightly maniacally. (Or maybe that was just me) Her horn glowed, expelling an incredible amount of light, making me feel slightly funny. I had just enough time to say

“No, no, no, no, no!” And I would have said it many more times, but then a sudden wave of pain hit me. You know that feeling of a person carving two knives through your back and pouring salt into it? Yeah, well up to that point I hadn’t either; but I also felt my arms, and they hurt like hell too. It felt like someone was pouring acid on them. Of course, me being the stoic guy I am, I managed to hide most of the signs of pain.

“Son of a bitch” I muttered under my breath, writhing on the ground in pain. I don’t know exactly what happened, but after what felt like an eternity I woke up. I seemed to be in a hospital. Thinking it had all been a dream; I opened my eyes, and looked around. I barely had time to think before I saw the markings on my left hand; they looked like a series of apostrophes, commas, and random marks. After a while of looking at it, I noticed that it looks like a butterfly surrounded by a starburst (not the candy). It was really nice and all, but then I was interrupted by what sounded like some familiar voices. They sounded like they were about two and a half decameters away, rapidly closing in.

“Wait, he actually cursed, in pain? He NEVER does that, not even the time he broke his arm!”
I searched for the owner of the voice in my memory, remembering Tom, and smiled. It was nice to know he was safe in…wait, were we in pony land, or was I dreaming? ‘Maybe I was hallucinating or something.’ I thought to myself, only hoping I was back on Earth. My question was answered when a group of 2 people and 5 ponies walked into the room. I quickly noticed George, Tom, and all of the ponies as they entered the room. The ponies (In order from left to right) were Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and a white pony with a purple mane and three diamonds for a tramp stamp. I noticed how they walked in formation but shrugged that thought aside. I had more important things to think about.

“Why do I have a tattoo, and what did you do to me?” I asked this politely enough, but eyes never lie about what a person (or pony) is feeling, and I was feeling an incredible amount of killing intent at the moment. Let’s just say I didn’t exactly filter it too well

“ S-sorry, I thought the spell would give you wings… but uh, I think it gave you a little more than that.” Twilight seemed reluctant to speak as she bit her lip. I thought about that statement…the word ‘more’ implies ‘in addition to’ which means…I looked at my back and remained silent…

“So, you cast a spell on me…designed for ponies… and you gave me a tattoo and wings. Not to mention the massive amount of pain.” I deadpanned at Twilight before I sighed and decided that, since the pain was over, I could forgive her… eventually. Anyway, I tried flapping my wings and, while I didn’t appreciate that I was now a human-chicken hybrid, I didn’t mind being able to create a sudden gust of wind capable of knocking a certain purple pony off her hooves.

“…Fine, but what about the markings?” I knew the ponies got tramp-stamped at birth or something, but why include me in their occult rituals? I wasn’t even a pony!

“I think that those marks let you use magic. I mean, hey, since you weren’t a pony to begin with, maybe that magic gave you all the powers of all the ponies?” this was a bit unsettling, but I briefly considered the ability to force choke people. I may have been a martial artist, but being irresponsible was still the job of a teen; so I aimed my hand at the glass of water beside my bed and sure enough, it levitated! I was in shock at this point so I let the glass go, still very much in awe of myself.

“Ahem” said the white pony (rather snobbishly, and with an accent that most nobles from the old medieval movies I saw would be jealous). “We are still here.” I nodded timidly, feeling rather foolish for forgetting about my visitors.

“So uh, not to be rude but, why are you all here?” This part mystified me, as I was still nearly cringing at the thought of FIVE ponies in a confined room with me.

“Well I sort of felt guilty for… well, you know. So I thought I would come by to see if you’re okay…but it looks like you are so I guess we’ll be leaving now” Twilight said as she caught my glance. She was probably containing a bit of manic fear, so she and her equine friends left George and Tom with me.

“So I heard you actually swore in pain” said Tom, who quickly received an elbow from George.

“Sorry, it’s just sort of…surprising for us is all… I mean even when you broke your arm you never even cried out in pain, not once!” I thought about this for a second and they were right; I hadn’t said anything when I broke my arm, but to be fair it didn’t hurt that bad.

“Anyway, apparently I have to live with Rainbow Dash, who do you guys get to live with?” I said this mostly just for the sake of conversation

“Well, I get to live with Applejack, and what a fine flank she has” said George, ever the equinophiliac.

“I have to stay with Twilight, pfft, I’d rather live in a forest!” said Tom, though I suspected he didn’t hate it as much as he said. I also considered something

“What about Shay?” I asked.

“With Pinkie” replied George. His voice showed a bit of resent and maybe a bit of jealousy. I almost smiled, but seeing as I was about to do something crazy, I decided it wouldn’t fit the situation.

“Well, since I don’t think these fine equines eat meat, I guess I’ll go hunt for something that tastes better than hospital food…horse hospital food.” I shuddered as I said it, while getting up off my bed.

“I don’t think you sho-” that sentence was cut off by me appearing behind Tom, the perpetrator, and I said

“I’m good, these ponies can’t take care of me anyway. Besides, I’m an equinophobiac, remember?” I said the last part a little testily, but still elated at my new wings. I decided that I would look for a forest or some rivers to hunt for food. But first…

“OW!” screamed the cyan Pegasus that I had just slammed the hospital door into. Grinning, I said

“This should be fun.” I sped out of the hospital, all the while remembering that this was remarkably similar to my first hospital escape. I imagined that the mission impossible theme was playing. I was going along at a fast pace, when I found a corner, and I leaned over slightly to see Twilight conversing with the nurse-pony who said “I really don’t know how to treat him; I mean he doesn’t have any wounds!” I stole away and sped past them down the corridor. I probably looked like a blur to them. I looked back, smiled, and offered a two fingered wave (NOT the up yours sign, for the record) and I continued running without looking back. I realized I was still wearing my white T-shirt and blue jeans, which I was happy about. I don’t think that running around naked while smiling would go over too well with my friends. Anyway I was about to get out of the hospital when I remembered an important detail, Twilight levitated me, (and probably enjoyed inciting fear due to my phobia)

“What are you doing out of bed?” asked the nurse innocently, with an underlying tone of ‘this is our hospital, deal with it’. I might not have mentioned it but I hate doing what other people tell me to, so I may have seen her tone as a challenge, so I reached for that spare mini-knife from my shoe…the mini-knife that my parents had confiscated from me.

“M-mind l-let-ting m-me d-down?” I mumbled, semi-incoherently as I realized Twilight was moving me back to my room. But she made a mistake, she put me a little too close to the wall and I stepped off it, surprising Twilight and breaking the telekinesis. As I was moving sideways, extremely close to Twilight, I hit the wall and used my newfound wings to propel myself closer to the floor, so I could run again. This time something pinned me down in the corner of the long hallway, and it hurt. By this time I thought ‘who knew ponies dedicated to peace and friendship could hurt so much’ “whoever’s on me, get off. Now.” I made sure to put an ominous tone in that when the last voice I wanted to hear spoke up.

“Yeah right!” said a certain blue Pegasus whom I may or may not have smashed with a 3 inch thick metal door.

“WHAT DO YOU PONIES WANT WITH ME!?!?!?” I said, mostly in fear

“By the way, you’re free to go, the hospital’s releasing you.” said Twilight in a smug voice. Free. The entire time I was running from ponies, and getting pinned down to walls I was free to go?

“R-right uh, m-mind g-get-tting o-off me?” I stuttered, barely.

“But Twilight, does he still have to live with me?”

“Yes, he does, now go, it’s getting late and I need sleep.”

“FINE!” finalized Rainbow Dash who got off me and started grumbling something about un-coolness. She did lead me out of the hospital though, nicely enough. She took me through town, pulling out all the stops, and when I say pulling out all the stops, I mean she did everything possible to taunt me, including buying herself food when my stomach growled. I vowed then and there that if she had a pet I would eat it and see how she liked it, anyway before I could finish that silent vow she said

“Dandelion burger for you?” this surprised me but I thought and said

“Don’t suppose you ponies have cheeseburgers, hamburgers, or even fish?”

“Huh? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” replied Dash in a confused voice

“I’ll take the dandelion burger” Hey, I’d had worse things than that before, you REALLY don’t wanna know. Anyway I munched happily, the burger tasted quite a bit like dandelion stem, with bread and that greasy taste of being deep-fried, just like the name implied. Anyway dandelion isn’t too bad once you get used to it and eventually I managed to eat the burger without vomiting and asked Dash a question

“So here in Equestria you only have herbivorous animals, correct?” I had to say this while averting my eyes, equinophobia and everything; anyway Dash replied

“What’s an herbivore?” At this point I had a sinking realization sink in… I had traded one human dream for another, I traded the flight, the freedom of the sky, for the glorious palace that was burger king, in the land of Steakania, but I had to trudge forward bravely, for al-

“you okay?” said Dash as I realized I had kind of let my mind wander

“Right, uh anyway where’s your house?” she was glad to be out of weird topics that made no sense, and she said bravely, and a little overconfidently (if you ask me)

“This way” She took off at what I figured was her max speed, judging by the way her muscles moved, so I figured she was trying to ditch me ‘fat chance, let’s see just what these wings can do’ I thought as I flapped a single flap of my wings catching up to and surpassing the confounded Pegasus. With great glee I looked back and flew backwards, taunting her, flapping my wings every couple of seconds, to stay ahead.

“Oh no you don’t!” she tried everything she could to get ahead, streamlining herself, but there was a problem, she had her hooves flat, instead of at an angle, so there was no way she would catch up, I decided that I should at least try to get on her good side so I pointed out her flaw, in (what I hoped) was a helpful demeanor

“your hooves are facing forward flatly, you should angle them” I said that as I turned around speeding towards what looked like a flying cloud house, and I was about to win, when Dash pulled in front of me, hooves angled.

Comments

[Chill Mists(Chilly)]

Old medieval movie actors would be jealous? Rarity has a mid Atlantic accent. Not an old English one. Anyway, I look forward to more.

[Jaohni]

449088 exactly why they would be jealous, mid Atlantic's where it's at! Also note that I said nobles

[Chill Mists(Chilly)]

449097 But... they are completely different! Old English, maybe posh whereas mid Atlantic isn't posh or noble at all. It does sound cool though.