My Little Pony: Idiocy Is Magic

by Jaohni

The Ballad Of The Socially Awkward Equinophobiac Ch.2

The Ballad Ef The Socially Awkward Equinophobiac
I heard the sound of George yelling, so naturally I ran to the door…extremely fast, probably faster than Twilight, when I noticed that Fluttershy was missing. This wasn’t odd considering she constantly hid away, but still worried me given the context. Anyway, I was running out the door, before Twilight I might add (faster than a horse! No wonder everyone was jealous of my track record) and I was out of the…tree-library-place.

The real reason I was running was not out of concern for my friend, but a scenario flashed through my mind, Fluttershy was up against a tree screaming (quietly) “No more, no more!” but a demonic voice spoke while spraying her with squirts of a white, sticky substance,

“Feel the praise of my love!” as George showered Fluttershy with glue from a glue bottle.

Anyway, back to reality, I ran to my right where I heard the sound, sticking close to the tree so I didn’t get lost, when I saw that non-fine orange equine that tried to attack me earlier. Anyway, the horse was standing over my friend George, who had a large welt on his face, oddly similar to a hoof print (I did of course scoff at him later, what idiot lets himself get hit by a horse?!) anyway, Twilight shouted in a worried tone

“Applejack, what are you doing?” Twilight looked genuinely confused, and somewhat shocked, but before I could explain the situation calmly (and probably at George’s expense) so-named Applejack replied angrily while taking a step towards twilight (making me take a step back, mind you)

“this ‘ere varmint was harrasin’ poor Fluttershy, what’d ya wan’ me ta do?” I almost burst out laughing, this was SO like George, so I naturally thought about how to deal with this…when the perfect plan sprung into mind, and it would have worked, but…then Shay came in and glared at George angrily (George has a habit of randomly hitting on girls, so we sort of know what to expect by this point) and he said

“No. You do NOT hit on random ponies and DEFINITELY not Fluttershy!” he said while pointing a finger accusingly at George who looked down in shame. But as apologetic as he was, Twilight and Applejack were still angry, I remembered to count my lucky stars for knocking out Rainbow Dash earlier, when I finally intervened (heroically) and said

“Look, I know George is a little bit too….George, but he really is a good guy, he just got off on the wrong foot, Er- hoof” Fortunately Twilight took this into consideration and calmed down a bit looking at George apologetically, which was the worst thing she could have done. You see, even if he would only ever date equines, he has a soft spot for girls looking sorry for him, and Twilight was a pony. It was not too hard to identify the new object of his (not so private, as his record amount of visits to the principal testify) warship. Naturally, I did what anyone in my shoes would; I stepped back about a foot while face palming and shaking my head. George promptly went and kneeled before Twilight, holding one of her hooves. (This surprised her, as I don’t think she’s the type to deal with admirers.) He said silkily

“You, are the goddess of my dreams, the one and only one for me, the only one whom I could ever fall in lo-” that last part was cut short because I had hit him with a Nukitae to the stomach. I dragged him (while he was groaning in pain, the wimp!) away from Twilight and said

“Sorry, he has a habit of randomly worshipping girls, and he’s suffering from equinophilia.” ,Twilight was still surprised and unable to mutter anything comprehensible so I dragged George up against a tree and pinched a nerve cluster in his neck; knocking him out. As you can imagine, the ponies were more shocked than before and I was still delighted to have an excuse to not look at the ponies. (At this point, I was beginning to think my equinophobia was based not on the knowledge that an equine is behind me, but that I see what it looks like)

“Now wait a darn tootin’ minute ya’ll. Ya can’t jus’ knock out yer friend there like that.” I thought nothing of this, as I was pretty sure I was physically capable, but I responded

“You wanted to do the same thing a few seconds ago.” Now, thanks to that there was absolutely no sounds for the next few seconds, until the pink horse (Pinkie, was it?) bounced up to the scene and said, rather randomly and inappropriately happily given the context,

“ShayisawesomecanwekeephimTwi?Prettyplease?I know I have Gummy…butiwann’anotherpet, PLEASE TWILIGHT?!??!?” I just realized what she said and assumed Shay was insulted… I was about to chew Pinkie out for human ownership when Shay made the cut across his neck indicating the universal kill-switch, so I remained silent. I had to make sure that George wouldn’t fall and hit his head, at least more than he already had. I mean hey, I guess you fall out of a lot of trees before you get to be like him, but anyway Twilight was surprised by Pinkie. I guess she wasn’t that used to things like this happening. (On the other hand, we just got teleported to an alternate reality of magic, rainbows, and talking ponies. Despite this, I was still calm). Twilight was thankful to be off the topic of beating up friends and said

“Uh, Pinkie Pie, I don’t think humans make good pets…” which I realized was a jab at me and George so I was tempted to get into a fisticuff with twilight when I remembered the key word in fisticuff, anyway I chuckled at my own joke and said

“ We have no problem letting Shay be a house pet, but the thing is, he isn’t housebroken.” That was a total lie of course, and an obvious joke, but Twilight looked at Shay with a look of…condescending origins. Needless to say Shay was mad at me, and If it hadn’t been me (the guy who broke one arm and five ribs of a guy who threw a single punch at me), he would have probably throttled me right then and there, so I decided to remedy the situation before Twilight asked inquisitively as ever

“Are the rest of you humans non-house broken?” I wasn’t a dummy, that was a jab aimed at me, or my raving paranoia and equinophobia dictate at the very least; so before the situation got even worse, I decided to speak up

“No, That was our version of a joke. But seriously though, we really don’t make good pets, mostly because we actually use sarcasm…and sadism.” As soon as I finished a the sentence, another one popped up in my head, and I thought out loud, “Wait, where’s Tom? He had the Twizzlers when we teleported… Also, what will we eat and where will we sleep?” Twilight, obviously being the prepared one, said with an energetic tone in her voice (for some unknown reason, but I don’t understand girls as is, I think I understand horse women less)

“Okay, I’ll look for some houses to get you people in. You can wait in the library, talk to Spike if you need anything.” After that sentence, I had the image of a ton of spikes shooting through the floor and impaling me running through my mind; but I assumed Twilight wasn’t the type of person, or pony, to not like her meals tenderized so I assumed she meant a pony named spike. ‘I just hope they aren’t the type to eat meat…’ I thought as I went back into the library with Twilight. (Even though she said she would look for houses for us) Shay came with us too, for whatever reason

‘…I believe I owe myself five bucks for the bet I made with myself back before I went back into the library.’ I thought as a little purple and green ball was chewing on my leg, causing more saliva than pain. By this point, Twilight was shocked while I debated how far I could football punt that little runt. I was about to try when Twilight intervened

“Spike, get off him!” something in Twilight’s voice must have frightened him, but I wouldn’t know, I have mostly only heard her angry, or in shock, or while she was in some way glaring at one of us apparently tasty humans.

“Okay, am I just super tasty or something?” I said, half cynically.

“I am SO sorry I really didn’t think he would do that. Anyways, Spike this is…” she seemed lost for words.

“James Orion” I quickly said, realizing she didn’t know my name. (It was actually pronounced or-ee-on not or-eye-on) Twilight looked at me skeptically; I think she thought my name was odd, given how they name themselves.

“Hi Fight-man” said the little runt; he had left slobber all over my pants…which meant he was paying for dry cleaning if I ever found any other clothes that were my size. Anyway, I responded by miming a football kick, which Spike and Twilight didn’t understand but caused Shay to look at me in horror, with a possible twinkle of humor.

“Anyway, in terms of housing, I will only accept somewhere at least 50 feet off the ground.” (I said this because, I had the opposite of a fear of heights, I actually loved them) so Twilight looked at me a little uncomprehendingly, but then a sudden light appeared in her eyes.

“I know the perfect place! This works out perfectly anyway, I needed you two to get to know each other better either way, it’ll be a good chance to work out your differences.” This made me a bit concerned, as I had only actually ever hit one pony…she didn’t mean…this is a dream…a horribly realistic bad dream that I will wake up from and laugh at later…except you don’t wake up from a dream into a dream unless you’re in inception…ah crap “You can stay with Rainbow Dash” I know she said can, but somehow I knew she meant WILL as in both, I will live with Rainbow Dash, and I had no free will, I thought how I would break the news to her, when I heard a familiar tomboyish voice that I had come to despise.

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This is just a quicky I wrote up with Neogreenyew editing for me, I didn't have much time to write it (the first draft was one hour, but i scrapped it and made this one instead, over about an hour and thirty minutes) also, this rest of the story should start getting really good really soon, but i hope you enjoy this!

Comments

[Jaohni]

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Hey, guys, fans, haters, gals, and everything inbetween, I just finished chapter two with Neogreenyew's help, thanks everyone who is a fan (whether the like to blow wind or follow my stuff) anyway, enjoy

[Chill Mists(Chilly)]

I look forward to more.

[Ambassador_Derpius]

I have a weird feeling about his anti-brony freind.

[Jaohni]

436611 with good cause, I'm sure