To the Colts that May One Day Date My Sister

by ThePianoMan

Welcome to Hell-oh, right...

Well! The day has come! It always does. That dreadful day when your, inexperienced, little sister wants to start "dating". Princess Twilight Sparkle was ready to be, guh, courted. Needless to say, her mother was happy, but her father and brother were not. No! Not now! Not ever were they going to be "cool" with this.

Her brother, Shining Armor, had a little chat with their father. "Son, she trusts you, so you must do what needs to be done. I do not have the capable speaking voice to address such a crowd." The crowd, oh yes. It was part of their plan. The plan you ask? Their plan was to frighten away every jumpy bachelor for miles around. Shining had sent out an announcement to every city in Equestria. Whoever was interested in "going out" with Twilight was to meet in the Oatison Square Garden in Manehatten.

Sure enough...the little buggers showed up.

Shining stepped onto the stage in the middle of the great stadium. Look at 'em. Makes me sick.

"As you all know," Shining Armor sighed as he walked around the stage, "my sister is searching for the one to call her coltfriend." He glared at the audience full of able bodied colts and stallions. They disgusted him. The very thought of one of them, kissing his sister was just, ah, oh gah! Faust no! "She may choose one of you. You might get lucky." Flash Sentry sat right up front with his stupid little smile. Prick. Further up the row, Shining's eyes summed up the so called stallions that were interested in his sister. He saw Big Mac, at least he was tolerable. Comet Tail was not even worth the attention. Doctor Whooves was an odd fellow, travels a lot, gypsies don't make good coltfriends. Spike still looks as desperate as ever. Mr. Cake? Cheating on his wife? Oh that's low... Discord sat off to the side. Son of a...

"I am sure all of you, think you have a chance, but you're wrong. Only one lucky buck is going to make the cut. And I am telling you right now that it is NOT going to be easy!" Shining's voice echoed across the shaking ears of the stallions that now began to second guess their control over their bladders. "I decided I would give you a fair, warning..." He smiled. "Twilight is my sister." Silence froze the audience.

"Remember that since she was born, since she could walk, I was training myself to make sure that all of you stay in line. I have been training myself, to kill any one of you that so much as even looks at her wrong. If you think I can't kill you, oh yes," he laughed, "I can. There is a reason I was Captain of the Royal Guard. And it wasn't for taking prisoners." The audience's jaws dropped as they realized the meaning if his words. "If you think I can't hide your bodies and get away with it, then you are sorely mistaken..." He smiled, deviously. "Pigs... Pigs eat everything, even the bones." A few weak stomached colts barfed in their seats, but were too afraid to take any action, lest they should be shot by Shining's stinging eyes.

"Oh yes, my sister is one you would call beautiful. And when you daydream as you stare into her beautiful violet eyes, just remember, that in the reflection of those eyes you will see ME standing RIGHT behind YOU with my sword ready to strike if you dare to even think of wronging my sister." A stench filled the air...FEAR, and urine. "There are different punishments for your offences on my sister's behalf. If I know her lips are trembling from the kiss you stole, I will rip your lips from your snout." Shining looked up at Discord who was still smiling. "If your tongue invades her mouth without permission, I will cut out your tongue and feed it to Cerberus!" Discord's smile quickly vanished. Shining brought his full attention back to the audience. "If you break her heart, if I hear it snap, then I will snap your spine." One by one a line if young stallions in wheel chairs rolled out of the stadium muttering to themselves, not again.

"Now tell me! Which of you are interested, just because you think my sister is and I quote 'a damn sexy piece'o work'. Come on! Don't be shy." Nervously, as they should be, a few brave stallions raised their hooves. Big mistake. "Mother of Celestia!!! All of y'all little jackasses better roll your little behinds out of here before I harvest your family jewels and pickle them in a jar! Do I make myself clear!!!" All at once a heard, larger than the group that had raised their hooves, ran for the sake of their testicles.

"Alright, that's better. Now! Who is left?" Shining stared at the half empty stadium, contemplating how to weed out the rest of them. "If you are a changeling, looking for love to steal, get out of here now before a break my hoof up in your ass!" With a few dozen green bursts, about some forty odd insect like horses flew out of the stadium. Shining expected more.

As Shining scanned the audience, he noticed Discord had disappeared. But, a certain group of creatures caught his attention. "Ah yes. You people! You ‘Bronies’ better leave right now. I read the files. I know everything about you and your, CLOPFICS!!!" The bundle of humans quickly started to rush out of the stadium. "That's right! There will be NO cross species breeding ta'day!"

Shining rolled his eyes as he gritted his teeth. "If you don't even know my sister, just, just, get out now..." A majority of what was left of the crowd left, But...

"Oh GOODY!!! I am not done yet." Shining just noticed then, there were a few mares in the back of the stadium seats.

"And to you mares that think you may one day date my sister!" Shining turned and straightened his hoof directly at Celestia. "This includes you too SUN BUTT!" Shining breathed deep. "My father, can hide your body better than I can!"

With that all the mares vanished. All was quiet. "All in a good days work." Shining smiled.

The stadium was empty.

*cough*

Almost empty...

Flash Sentry was sitting alone, his dopey little smile still stretched across his face. Shining growled inside. Damn this guy was persistent! "What are you still doing here?!" Shining jumped off of the stage and stood face to face with Flash. This one was different, no fear...

"I wanted to ask for you permission to date your sister." Flash, oh the audacity of him! He was good...

"What makes you think you can stand up to the challenge of dating MY sister?" Shining narrowed his eyes as he awaited Flashes answer. "Well?!"

"Twilight is a beautiful person. She is smart, funny, and adorable. She is the light that has shed warmth on my world, and I would like to do the same. I will befriend her, protect her, and love her. I will do everything and anything to make her happy." Flash sighed. "And if I ever break her heart I will give you the gun to shoot me wherever you like..."

Shining cocked his brow. "I'm not convinced."

"Fine! Let's cut the crap... I love your sister, you can't change that. But I'll tell you what. I will buy you free drinks at Berry Punch's bar any time you like for the rest if my life." Blunt, and to the point.

Shining smiled. "Deal."

Author's Note:

Here is the audio version by CrazedRambling:

Comments

[Twilight Best Pony]

crappy ending.....

[GivingSpider]

4442018
Shining's going to get Flash nice and drunk (on Flash's tab) and 'misplace' him

[johnny115]

4442018 you're just jelly that Twilight will never be your waifu

[Twilight Best Pony]

4442271

\

[Georg]

I really liked this. Keep it up. Having written a Twilight shipfic (Traveling Tutor and the Librarian), I can tell you that Shining Armor is not first in line of the obstacles that any stallion will have to cross to reach that magic "I do." He's about sixth in line behind Celestia, Luna, Twilight Velvet (she counts twice), Night Light, and his wife, Cadence. My favorite line I wrote on it is:
Princess Celestia’s warm violet eyes looked up from her correspondence and locked onto Shining Armor’s hapless gaze. “Your sister respects you enough not to pry into your own personal relationships, do you think you can respect her enough not to go physically abuse her young paramour? If her relationship with this young stallion is beneficial, it deserves to be left alone to blossom in the manner they wish. If not—“ Princess Celestia returned to her reports with a tiny frown “—you may deal with the leftovers, if any.”

[ultra1437]

There's a lesson in this. Bribery will get you (almost) anywhere.

Loved the read, Draco. Have a fave.

[MittenPatty]

This was so friggen hilarious.
Oh, Tia, you dirty little slut, you.

[MythrilMoth]

This needs some serious editing.

[ThePianoMan]

4448407 I know

[ThePianoMan]

4448407 Just point, and I'll click...

[GameQubb]

seeing Shining Armor being overprotective is so hilarious

[Watt2015]

That was a great fic XD, Amazing overall

[xv22shasokais]

And I just read Shining's dialogue with the Drill Sergeant voice from Medal of Honor: Pacific Assault.

[NobleValor]

I realize that this piece of work shouldn't be taken too seriously...but, still.

[Thetntm]

My alternate ending:

And then it was empty.

Almost empty.

There were only two beings left in the building.

Flash sentry...

and discord.

[eles74]

Im here because Rambles is back

[ThePianoMan]

4488595 Wow!!!

Well, this, this is...

AMAZING!!!!!

[Hyzaku]

Absurd and hilarious.

[ThePianoMan]

4488841 Thank you

[ParadoxPony]

LOL! Nice!...But.......Would you please put the authors note AT THE TOP of the story so I don't have to read it and just listen?!
Thanks!

[Hillbe]

Free drinks for life? I'll have to remember that.

[Lancerlot]

An imaginary moment that never happened:

Putting down the scroll she'd been reading to her three children, Twilight Sparkle-Cake sighed and shook her head. "And that is why I had to wait until my brother was too old to threaten anypony ever again, before your father and I secretly eloped in Las Pegasus."
Pound Cake smiled at the rare scene of domestic tranquility, and all was hugs and giggles for the next few minutes. "Thanks for waiting for me" he whispered to his immortal alicorn wife.

[ThePianoMan]

8588304
(Slow clap...)