- Member Since 23rd Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 16th, 2018
Ghost-111
I like to read, write, and discuss. Fan-fictions and originals. Action-Adventure/Military/Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Ghost-111
Joined 23rd Feb, 2012 ·
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This looks very promising
So, I finally got around to reading this...
And I have to say sir,
this blows my miserable excuse of a fanfiction outta the water in terms of vocabulary and grammar.
This is just... whoa, man.
I'm highly expecting more of this quality, and if you wish, I could attempt to try and advertise ones over here. I'll track this most definitely, as well as leave a good thumbs-up.
Hmmm.. intriguing story, but so very very confusing ('
');
It's like you took chapters from 3 completely different stories and mixed them all together.
>An epic climax between two immortal knights of darkness in a wasteland
>A scence from Luna's childhood
>And a futuristic special force team, which is specialised in space anomalys and can apparently use magic to heal themself
And it certainly doesn't help that you switch betweem different narrative perspectives from paragraph to paragraph.
Please don't take that wrong I see a lot of pontential in your fic, but please try to focus a bit more on one person.
Ah, Gabriel Iglesias.
Funny, I liked that.
You know, the last bit with the "shadowy figure" is just...incredibly cliche and boring. And it's only because the rest of the story feels so real and complex that it stands out and seems so bad...I really think you either need to take some time building up a sense of mystery in that scene to make him feel like a threat, instead of the most laughable, cartoony villain in existence, or maybe just cut it entirely...but that's just me, and all such things are terribly subjective.
Anyway, so far this is pretty much amazing, and deliciously unpredictable...keeps me on the edge of my seat. And I love the characters!
Very much looking forward to more.
Wow. Powerful. I have a feeling, this is gonna be one helluva fight between the guys here, and the 'Van'. Can't wait for more!
Awesome chapter
Dude, your nightmares are fucked up, and freakin' awesome!
GLORIOUS!
next chapter soon?
And I am terrible with names, so I have nothing for the VC ones
715943
I've added more to the ending, or rather mostly scrapped the original and created a new one more suited to the story.
Hopefully this ends the cliche that has been buggin me ever since I first wrote it.
I hope you are satisfied with it, if not then please message me of anything else that I should change for add.
not enough ponies :/
Hello there! Page Flipper here, reporting for duty! Or something along those lines. I don't know much about military terms. Anyway, I'm a reviewer from WRITE. They sent me here to review your work, and review I shall. I'm going to have a lot of fun reading this, I can tell.
--Post Fic Read--
First impressions and opinions (can safely be ignored): Wow. That was one of the best Human stories I've read. Your characters feel so alive. They have personality. A few small errors here and there, but otherwise beautifully crafted and written. Oh, and name that pony's sister Butterwing!
Okay, now that my praise is out of the way, let's get onto the
factsscientific sounding opinions.Title and Description
Ooh. Very intriguing title indeed. No idea what it means, but it certainly grabs the viewers attention, being in a different language. The poem directly underneath it provides a little insight into what it means, but not much. A quick google translate reveals that it reads "Shadow of Light and Darkness" which is very attention grabbing and relevant to the story... somehow. There isn't much fantasy-mystical-magical-goodversusevil-yin-yang stuff going on yet except for that ultra-climatic first half of the first chapter. But perhaps that's just me! Moving on to the actual description!
That's a nice poem you got there. Did you write that yourself? It's very good and helps the reader understand that this ain't no ordinary military mission. THERE IS SOME DEEP PROPHECY SHIT GOING ON. Adventures shall be had and Darkness shall be conquered... or something. But yes, also very eye catching. No disgusting, icky Author's Notes at the start as they are safely reserved for the end of the description. Good. Oh, wait, hold up a minute, what's this?
A missing word. Where did it go? 'tis a mystery! But yeah, nothing too bad, just add in that 'be' and you'll be fine.
(Personal Problem, no relation to review) I wasn't sure what you meant about the whole "converted to anthropomorphic" thing. Did it used to be normal ponies in the story? Just a personal question, not anything major at all.
Let's start the proper review and move on to the story itself!
Chapter 1
Should've kept google translate open. More words in a language I don't know! Oh, wait, translations are already provided! Thank goodness.
Hmm, an interesting choice, first person. Commonly the herald of self-inserts and Mary-Sues. But you've used it well. You've also used in medias res quite well. The reader is engaged with the action and hurried movement, but the scene itself doesn't move so fast. You've included nice environmental description despite the haste of the unknown protagonist. It caught my interest. But the sudden 'Jayeer' caught me off-guard. What is a 'Jayeer'? The reader doesn't know, and a quick description of the animal would help to lessen some of the reader's confusion. I imagined it to be canine-like, but it could be a large cat or bird for all we know.
That looks a little clunky. Maybe something like "He stands there, ever waiting for me."
After some really cool "Darkness and Light" talk, we have a lovely showdown between the obviously evil unknown baddy and the obviously good unknown goody. This fight should be epic!
...Oh. A little anticlimactic. Maybe chuck in a few descriptions of the fight. It doesn't have to be much. Maybe just something like "We both attack each other, receiving and giving wounds to each other as we yadda yadda yadda". Even just a description of the wounds gained in the battle would do fine. It's much less jarring than jumping straight to the end of the fight with the finishing blow.
A bit of a plot problem here as well (Go-go-gadget nitpick!). If the goody focused all of his energy into his right hand, why did the energy suddenly go to his left? The baddy believes that the goody focused his energy into his right hand, and that's fine, but since the part of the story where the goody appears to transfer his energy into his right hand is from the goody's own perspective, he should be aware of his own trick.
So, grammar problems. You have a couple. Not too many, but enough to break up the immersion every once in a while. Now, I'll be clear here: I'll mention each mistake once and provide a few examples. I can't point all of them out or this will drag on for more than it needs to.
You've got a few tense shifts.
There's more, so I recommend going through and picking them out or getting an editor to do it for you.
You've missed a comma or two as well.
There should be one just after 'knees'. There are others later in the story as well.
Then BOOM. Rapid transfer to Woona! Squees shall be had! Oh god, she's bouncing around in excitement! GAAH! Can't handle the D'aww! GHASFHAFHBLASFH-
Sorry, enough silliness. Serious mode activate.
Your lines are a little format-broken. I'd suggest fixing those. Now, the perspective has changed completely from first to third. It's good, it's different from first person as it's much easier to keep track of other characters in the story instead of switching back and forth between different character POVs. I'd recommend using third person for the entire story, since changing POV all the time is a little immersion jarring, but since you've rolled with it for a while, you can keep it if you want. Restrict the different POVs to different chapters, maybe. This is entirely optional, but it helps the reader read the story easier.
Now, I was confused at first when I read RCV. I had no idea what it was. All of a sudden, Luna starts speaking a little too formal for her (supposedly childish) age. Then I realised that RCV was Royal Canterlot Voice. When you have an acronym, you usually explain what it means the first time you use it. Using acronyms that aren't official terms also just look a little lazy, so get rid of RCV and MGS and type it out
LIKE A MANso readers don't get confused.That sentence is a little awkward. Try "He finally said, with a chuckle." or something like that.
You've also got a capital letter where you shouldn't.
That sentences drags on a little more than it should, in my opinion. Something like "Luna had been repeatedly trying to modify the night sky and create here own personal canvas. As ponies often ignored the night, she wanted to make it more desirable." flows better.
You missed a pair of speech marks just after 'moon', and 'we' should have a capital letter.
Well, that's it for the first chapter. I loved reading your story, and I was only able to spot these mistakes due to re-reading for the specific purpose of finding them. But that was because I was so immersed. Despite the little mistakes that everyone makes, you are a very good author, Ghost-111.
I'd recommend getting an editor to find and fix all of those little mistakes. You can find groups here and here or just ask a friend!
I'll do more reviews for your other chapters as well, if you want me to. If you don't, just let me know.
May your days be filled with laughter!
~Page Flipper, WRITE's Wacky Jester
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png
1829354
Well then...looks like I've got editing to do, but not right now, complicated schedules and all that. I'm slowly making corrections as I go along, but I'll try to do the overhauls for chapters 1-3 by the time "First Contact" is out.
Considering the whole first 4 chapters were written on an Ipod touch though? I'm pretty happy.
(30min later)
Went through some of the story, added some more details, and moved in a plot piece that I had forgotten. I'd be very grateful for reviews on the other chapters, but would really rather have them as a PM instead of a comment.
Still trying to get the hang of Points of View, as I've found that the Main stories cannot be told without going into first person (in my opinion).
the broader concepts will be in 3rd rest assured.
"Butterwing" has been accepted.
trying to go for the longer chapters, but for some parts longer would just mean boring filler, so I'll stick to varying chapter sizes for now.
That's all I can really think of for now. I've got a proj. due in the morning, so will go over the chapters with a fine toothed comb later on, unless you'd to be an editor?
Tha's all for now...
Ghost signing off.
P.S. in regards to the right hand left hand part? If you'd be so kind as to notice that I do not specifically mention his right hand as the target for his energy. i mention that he tenses the right, but focuses the energy into a last resort. It may be a little vague of course, but why should I reveal the trick so early on? Don't mean to sound snobbish or anything by that.
1829566 Sorry mate, I'm no editor. I've got to handle other reviewing assignments given to me as well as writing my own stuff. I think you've got this one by yourself as long as you look over it properly. If you're still in doubt, though, check out one of those groups I linked earlier.
Now, writ- Wait, what?
...You wrote the first 4 chapters on an iPod touch? Holy crap. That is an achievement, considering that there weren't that many mistakes. You've got a keen eye for your own errors. I can tell because writing on an iPod touch leaves work riddled with mistakes. I write on a laptop and my editor found more mistakes in my work than I did in yours. Damn, my respect for you just rose very high indeed.
Your opinion is fine. Write in first person if you want to. You certainly use it well, and if you're comfortable using it over third person, then full speed ahead on the first person train.
And dear goodness, you Snobby McSnobberson! I am heavily offended by your blatant superiority. Of course, my opinion is fact and your opinion is wrong, so it shouldn't really matter, but really, how dare you question me, peasant! Go shine a shoe or something else peasant-like! Goodness, you common people are so... uncouth!
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/364/763/f61.gif
Sarcasm aside, I did seem to miss that. Apologies. You tricky writer you! Confusing me and all that shnizzle with your mastery of words!
I'll review each chapter and send it to you as I complete each one so you aren't swamped with a massive novel. Instead, it will be sent delightfully broken into separate little pieces of constructive joy. If I have breaks in between chapter reviews, I'm less likely to lose focus from boredom and I'll provide higher quality criticism.
Translation: I'm lazy.
But I will get my criticism to you, despite my petty nonsensical interests. PM it is. I understand not wanting your comment section flooded with reviews. Makes for the wrong impression to a new reader.
And I heavily look forward to any updates you make, be they filler or main plot. Keeping the chapter sizes consistent isn't really that important, as long as they are still well written. A few people might nitpick about it, but it isn't a real issue. People don't judge a story on whether or not its chapters have the same amount of words.
Good luck with your project!
.... That ending didn't sound spectacular! I sure hope they aren't in danger of being found out... Because that definitely wouldn't make an epic fighting scene or anything.
Is this a declaration or a narration?
I'm seeing both present and past being used at the same time. It could potentially get confusing for some.
Just some small things to take note of if it's a narration:
Everything's in the past tense.
The only exception is when dialogue or inner monologue use other forms than narration.
"Dude, I'm starved!", said Willy while his team mate ate pork-chops in front of him.
It was quite an unfortunate demise, to say the least, since Willy was stuck to a tree.
'Once I'm outta here, he's gonna be fuckin' sorry...!', he then thought, planning over various torture scenarios.
Declaration:
What I like to call present narration.
Can't really help with that since I still don't understand it.
Nooooo! Cliffhanger to the first contact! Damn. I was so ready for them to meet.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I HATE STORIES WHERE CELESTIA AND LUNA ARE GODDESSES THAT ARE PROBABLY GOING TO BE UNBEATABLE AND ACTUALLY CONTROL THE SOLAR SYSTEM!
(Obvious sarcasm is intended)
So far its my understanding that in your version of events, something happened that made Celestia and Luna face off against each other, but Ponyville and the Elements of Harmony pretty much said to both to hell with it all and told them that their home is off-limits to everyone within reason. So now all I have to determine is WTH happened in that last battle they all had and see what goes from there.
Unless I happened to have missed something along the way...correct?