LoganofBuals
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This has garnered more Dislikes than likes now? It had 2-0 initially...
I don't see why this has so many dislikes. Once you get passed the large clumping of paragraphs, it actually has a decent story and idea. Don't let them get to ya, my Author friend!
This is so much better than the likes hinted at. The only problem I have is that the dialogue is a little too brief and unexpressive. The story is good and you have a good back story that has plenty of discription. Everything other than the dialogue is good. There were a few spelling mistakes like saying 'their' instead of 'there' and spelling sci fi as sci if, but other than that you're good.
well screw there dislikes the story's good so please continue
4239467 Thanks for noting! I'll be sure to add more dialogue today.
So that's why he didn't pull guns out and take potshots at the guards...
4247520 I wanted him to have a sense of hope for redemption. Like, if he was just a good boy, they'd let him out of the time out corner to play with the other kids. I'm currently writing the part where he finds out that that is a load of bullcrap and harnesses his inner badass.
More please.
While I do like this I am abit confused as to why he's still in prison. From what the mare said he was discriminated against and placed there wrongfully, so why isn't he out? If its cause of the killing of the vampires then I kinda understand but even then he was in the right cause he saved that non-vampire pony. Cause if they do eventually look into his memories then they'll see or hear rather that the vampires started it.
4281044
Oh boy. Did not see that one.
I guess I can explain it with petty excuses. I wrote this segment in the middle of an important math lecture, so it must've slipped my mind when i was randomly smashing my head against a google doc on my iPad.
You had it right, the reason is because of the killing of the vampire ponies. He's stuck in there because the nature of his crime (almost kickstarting a war) is much greater than the discrimination. I'll go back and add this tonight if possible.i36.photobucket.com/albums/e22/PrimitiveScrewhead1973/lQNuW.gif
Sidenote: It's been really hard finding these plot holes without a pre-reader, so thanks for pointing this out!
4281864 Hmmm, a unicorns horn isn't all that much more different maybe lacking in the varying style of attack and what not but not to different. As to not trusting him till the suit is off, thats just messed up. I get that they can't see him necessarily but how much more different is it then seeing his skin? Either one being removed would kill him unless a skilled surgeon did it. If anything they have leverage on him with the possibility that they look into removing the suit for him somehow... just my two cents really. enjoying this sofar
4282005 You're my new favorite person on this website. And it looks like I'll be editing some bits and bops pretty soon. Lemme just address the key issues here.
The armor is designed to look intimidating, seeing how they were the answer to The Great Monarchy's superhumans (will be explained in a future chapter). Imagine more Fallout New Vegas Ranger Armor intimidating. However, you bring up a valid point about the suits vs skins. Theres really no difference in intimidation between Iron Man and a well toned man who hasn't shaved in years.I may have to change the deal of "Strip your armor you silly tease" into "Use your armor to help defend our country from weird shit". I didnt want to take that approach yet because I wanted him to be free of his armor eventually. Perhaps I'll make it so he does that on his own time.
Its a complex situation with his armor removal too. While they do have leverage on him, and it is possible to have it removed, I have managed to bullshit an excuse for why he cant have it removed. And it goes as followed: There are trained Spinal Surgeons, and their are skilled Vetrinary Surgeons, but both? Yeah right! It would take several weeks of study to succesfully be able to remove that off of a primates nervous system. Even then, dearest Antonio would rather not. Because then, he's useless. No weapons and no protection. And he doesnt exactly trust the ponies right now, because, so far, they've assaulted him, threatened him, forced him to work in a mine, and had him kill for their amusement (he brought that one himself) Now I know what your saying, "xKryten, quit being a queer and stop covering up this plot hole." Well, its my plot hole and I'll love him just the same as any other air tight well written story.
Final note: Thank you for bringing these issues to my attention, I can now write a story more satisfying than doing the Carlton Dance on Hitlers grave.
4282163 Glad I could help. Also I forgot to mention this earlier but wow did Iron WIll lose his shit. Beating one kid with another. Thats something. I remember one fic that had something like that thought it consisted more of beating Filthy Rich with his daughter in a penny sac and barbed wire..... Good times.
4282255 I'm currently writing iron wills reasons in chapter four. It may or may not be because of Fluttershutter.
Partnership with Iron Will, i cant wait to see whats coming next
First chapter provided adequate and a good amount of description as to what happened and where he went, along with giving us a basic understanding of how everything is happening. good chapter, detail was just as good as it painted an image of his surroundings. only complaint. beginning of chapter felt a bit long, but then again, that is totally acceptable as all first chapters feel off... just gives the reader the flow of the story for later on.
There are a few spots where the errors are visible with misspelled words or sentences not making sense, but now you solidified the point where he is truly trapped in the mines, and without a real backbone, it seems he wont ever escape. those metal backbones he was given... they may be stronger, but in reality... damn, he is shaming the human race. good chapter overall, minor mistakes, but still good.
Oh god, I laughed when I saw he beat a pony... with another pony. Hulk reference? I think so! LOL...
Iron will and a super shoulder, what wilt happen two those too now?
^---That is what you did with a few sentences for example. you put the wrong words or you misspell them to a point where they have a new meaning. im not trying to be rude, but when your typing, look at what you write. Im not saying go back and reread it (though that helps), but it is better when the reader knows what you are trying to convey right away rather than having to guess what you are saying.
I look forward to the next chapter, and despite the errors, I doubt I will be disappointed unless you don't update this story for 2 months...
good chapter by the way.
Might I suggest puting a line break in between paragraphs?
Wall of text syndrome tends to be unpleasant
This is one of the best stories I have read.
4330964 I always put in a break...when I write these in google docs. But when I transfer them, they get rid of the wall breaks. I'll go back and fix em
4330862 I can explain the word thingy. I write on an iPad. It has the bitchiest autocorrect I have ever used in my life. If I had a pre reader, this issue would be fixed.
Nice
Sweet
is nobody going to ask how he's making guns out of thin air? If I was the warden I'd be piss scared of a guy that can make guns 4 centuries ahead of mine outta thin ass air.
also how are the guards so cocky?
Guard 1: hey i hear theres this troll guy who can make weapons that kill like flintlocks but shoot more than once.
Guard 2: meh! S'all g bro. I gots this 7 second charge up spell that hits him like a cannon but otherwise leaves no discernable marks or even has any lasting effects.
Guard 1: that sounds minimally useful.
Guard 2: Yeah well its better than the no weaponed guards in the prison.
Guard 1: yeah why are we unarmed when we have to keep the scum of this planet in place?
A VERY GOOD QUESTION!
4366726 http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=7310127
The unicorns are trained to stop bullets, so they have nothing to fear from his guns.
The guards all have spears. They aren't unarmed. Even then, they are still trained in a horsepun martial art. The unicorns also have learned artillery style spells to boot. But you did open up a rather large plot hole that I was to over look in the next couple of chapters, so thanks for that one.
Guards are cocky because they don't want to seem weak in the eyes of the prisoners. Seeing as how, in real life, prisoners like to poke fun at the guard who is imperfect. It makes for some mild entertainment.
That spell didn't take seven seconds, more like three. The thought process is much quicker than one would imagine. Either that, or I just suck at conveying the passage of time.
That spell was a warning shot. If he wanted to kill Anthony, he would've done it.
Your mother has aged.
4368057 ah my bad about the unarmed thing. Though in all seriousness i'd put my money on dexterous hands rather than hooves when it came down to a scrap.
As for the guards, yeah I can see that.
The passage of time wasn't really clearly conveyed.
everybody ages bro.
also what happened to that other comment? Y'know you could just edit it right?
4369255 It's all good. I need people like you. I don't have editors, so when this happens I need the readers to point my stupid mistakes out. I dont like it, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Incidently, I'm bad at mom jokes. But your mom is too!
http://www.internet-d.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/38/2010/04/sick_burn.jpg
Can't wait to see the fight...
Although if Whisper can only catch three shots at once, then wouldn't a point blank shotgun blast hurt her? Maybe dual wielding automatics which at least fire at 800 RPM, although that's not all at once?
4424215 (suspiciously looks left and right) I'm totally not gonna use that.
let him pull out two lmgs and turn that chick into a fine bloody mist.
4443400 (suspicially looks left and right) I'm totally not going to use that too
Man, i can't wait to see hell break loose, every chapter is like a tease, a excruciating yet wonderful tease
Im still curious as to when this 'Memory Spill' is going to take place, and if not, when will he just blow his way out of the prison? I know he has this... 'strategy', but with the weapons at his disposal, it shouldn't be that hard to simply blow a hole in the earth, then escape...
4511112 The prison is only a fourth of the story. The memory spill happens around half way. He doesn't shoot his way out because magic is still more powerful than him. It's easier to watch your ass if an army does it for you
4513322 lol. I would be too impatient if I had his tools at my hands, but yes, I see why your having him make an army of his reputation before he escapes. Now, is it too much to ask how far along the prison chapters we are? If it is, please disregard that question. xD
4513917 Closer to the end. The next chapter will include of some short scene of him getting familiar with power, then it will start to kick into hyper-drive and go through a passage of time to when he gets his army.
the Davy Crocket.
He has a nuke in his pocket?
4530069 Err...That does sound a bit weird. Off to editing!
Wow... So that's how it goes.
can't wait to see where this goes.