MLP Love Chronicles: The Farmer and the Fashionista, Part 1

Rarity has just finished her newest fashion line and is simply looking for something to do the rest do the day. However she'll get more than she bargained for when a close friends finally admits something.
P.S. Please comment and tell me how to improve guys, I'm new to writing in FimFiction and I'm just seeing if you guys would be interested in seeing this expanded upon. Thank you!

Chapters (2)

Chapter 1 (Slightly Edited) · 1st Apr 2014 · 2,599 words
2,599
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Chapter 2 · 1st Apr 2014 · 1,671 words
1,671
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Comments ( 10 )

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Mattricole

Mattricole #1 · Apr 1st, 2014 · 2 · · Chapter 1 (Slightly Edited) ·

For a first attempt, it's not bad. It does need work though. Let's walk through it.

It was a bright and sunny day in Ponyville, the birds were chirping and the wind was blowing peacefully. Rarity, a purple maned, white unicorn, was just finishing her newest fashion line when all of a sudden, like a raging bull, the wind picked up speed and one gust changed everything.
(20 min. ago on Sweet Apple Acres)

Not much happened here. In fact...nothing happened. And right after this it cuts to Applejack on the farm. I think it's better if you just removed this part from the story. Serves no point.

"Eeyep," Big Mac casually responded.
After hours of hard work they had finally bucked all the apples in the south field.

Here's another problem. These...odd paragraph thingy's. Not even sure what to call 'em. The "After hours of hard work" part could easily be in the same paragraph as Big Mac's response, like this:

"Eeyep," Big Mac casually responded. After hours of hard work they had finally bucked all the apples in the south field.

Also, editing fix.

"Really now, ah thought Cheerilee might stop by, ya know your schmoope poo,"

should be:

"Really now? Ah thought Cheerilee might stop by. Ya know, your schmoope poo,"

You also tend to miss quotations, like for example:

Hmm... Might as well get something to eat? AJ thought to herself. I'll just get a daffodil sandwich, ah guess

Make sure to give some sign she's talking/thinking. It takes the reader out of the story when they see something like this.

Hmm... Might as well get something to eat? AJ thought to herself. I'll just get a daffodil sandwich, ah guess
As she walked off to the sandwich stand however the wind picked up suddenly and before she even had a chance to react, her beloved hat was swept up in the breeze and carried off.

Also be careful of this. If making a new paragraph make sure you space them apart (though you already know this, I'm sure this was just a simple error you didn't catch).

"Really now, ah thought Cheerilee might stop by, ya know your schmoope poo," AJ teased.

AJ thought to herself. I'll just get a daffodil sandwich, ah guess

Also, be careful with this. If the reader catches AJ being inconsistent with her speech mannerisms they'll get taken out of it (at least I do).

1 cup later...

Don't do that. This isn't Sponge Bob, this is fanfiction. Just tell us they had a drink, like:

"Cheers!" Applejack responded as she downed her drink in one go, causing Rarity to giggle.
"Rarity says something," Rarity scolded playfully. She then began drinking her own glass, albeit at a slower pace.

And finally....

"But Applejack... I feel the same."

To me, that came out of nowhere. Maybe you could have gave some more hints towards this? Like, when drinking Rarity subtly flirts with AJ? I mean, you did put in that bit about her wanting somepony "kind, that's important. But they must also be hard working, caring, and honest;" but I feel you could have made a couple more subtle hints.

All in all, this story is alright. Could use some fixing up here and there, but for a first attempt you did pretty good.

Winston

Winston #2 · Apr 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 (Slightly Edited) ·

Right out of the gate, there's a big problem in seeing this used as a transition:

(20 min. ago on Sweet Apple Acres)

Nope. All my nope. Never do this. By using parenthesis, it's like you're taking the reader out of the story to explain on the side that the scene is changing, then trying to put the reader back in. Nothing destroys immersion so completely. Scene transitions need to occur organically within the narrative of the story, not as separate asides.

Similar transition issues, whether they be transitions of scenes or of events, came up in the rest of the story as well.

Misty Horse

Misty Horse #3 · Apr 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Few things i can get over. Keep writing.

DRTaylor

DRTaylor #4 · Apr 1st, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Thank you all, so much! I will get to work on shaping up this story and then I'm off to writing the full thing. But your suggestions are great and I sincerely thank you for helping me. :-)

Twilight-the-Pony

Twilight-the-Pony #5 · Apr 2nd, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

This is... Oh, my...
~Twi

twilunashimmer

twilunashimmer #6 · Apr 4th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

Loved it!

Leafall

Leafall #7 · Apr 4th, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 (Slightly Edited) ·

You know what? I never understood Rarijack. It seems so ridiculous...
And yet I'm such a sucker for it...

Anyway, I'll get to the part that you might actually care for.
I can see you're a new author to this site. Well, welcome to the club!
Because we share a similar fate, I'll try to be extra nice. Just kidding, I would try to be nice, even if you were very experienced.

OK, so the first problem that I'd like to address to your story (or to you, really) is grammar, wording, format, etc..
Let's just get this out of the way...
(PS I'm not too good at this myself, but as a reader, I notice it. Let's just hope it will be helpful.)
First, I don't know about anyone else here, but what really bothers me in a lot of peoples work is when in AJ's speech, people write 'Ah' instead of 'I'. It's really unnecessary, distracting, just...ugh! And then people forget to capitalize it, or they change it back into an 'I'... It's really frustrating!

"Oh come on, Mac! Ya were distracted the entire time we were working today and ah know it was her, ya were thinking of. In all seriousness why don't ya go see her Mac. You two obviously hit it off, and ya need to learn to relax more. What do ya say?" Applejack sincerely asked.

That...thing...

"Oh come on, Mac! Ya were distracted the entire time we were working today, and I know it was her ya were thinking of. In all seriousness, why don't ya go see her, Mac? You two obviously hit it off, and ya need to learn to relax more. What do ya say?" Applejack asked.

Much better.
And yes, I know a lot of those popular authors do this thing too, but this is just the way I feel about it.

Next, the dialogue has a lot of punctuation mistakes... There are a lot of rules to dialogue, too many for me to write down here. I suggest you just look for that on the Internet. A very important one is to remember that before any '___said' tag, you put a comma, instead of a period.
Sometimes you do that right, sometimes you don't.

I'm not going to write down and fix all of the mistakes I saw, but maybe I could send you a PM with the fixes? On a gdoc?
Please reply, and tell me what you think.

Now, let's get to the actual story.

So, like I said in the beginning of the comment, I really enjoy Rarijack, or whatever you want to call that ship. So obviously, I like this part of the story.
I guess this is the usual "confess" fic... But maybe you'll surprise me in the next chapters!
You knew when to end the chapter. The so called 'cliffhangers' are a great way to end one. And you pulled it off. The readers get eager to read more and dig inside. Congrats on that!
The story seems fine, so far, but it could definitely use some polishing to make it really shine. It could use more description, more of the characters feelings, slower pacing... Things like that.
If you need help, I can send you a PM with some thoughts, like I mentioned earlier. I'm still learning those things as well, but reading another person's story is much different than writing your own.

OK, maybe I wasn't extra nice. But I tried!
At least the comment is colorful and, hopefully, helpful.

DRTaylor

DRTaylor #8 · Apr 5th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

To Leafall: Thanks so much for the support and help, it truly means a lot. I appreciate what you've done and would love for you to send those corrections. Just send me a private message!

LoneW01fDusko