My name is Brandon Lee DuBois (Doo-bwah)
Claude L. ManYargo is a young lad, who lives in a neiborhood right along the rocky mountians. He gets pushed into a suicidal fit, where he accidently finds a rift in the fabric seporating dementions. Now he's got to learn the ways of Equestria, and find a way to forgive his wrong doers, or let it tear him apart. It's forgive, or face the ultimate consiquence: Death...
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cool
Two things to start with.
One. Fix the spelling errors in the summary.
Two. Do something about the wall of text
good luck.
First of all, calm down. I'll get better at the storyline. Second, I use drive, and if there are any spelling errors, its because either I wanted them there, or drive didn't pick it up for me. Srry, forgive me.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
To begin, you've got WAY too many tags. Three is good, four is pushing it, and anything above that is too much.
Despite the suicide part (something many consider unoriginal as hell in the HiE genre) and a spelling error, the description is good and does sound rather interesting. The chapter length as well is good.
Now, onto the story!
Wow, that was actually rather good, something that (nothing personal) surprised me for a story with such a poor rating. Though I will admit the character is starting off as the cliched: hates life (and, I assume, family) because it sucks for them in this world character. It's been done a million times and only rarely ever well.
I don't know if you're personally a hunter, but if you are then there's a group for that. In any case, I'm again surprised because this is getting interesting (because hunting is best sport). However, if all he's doing is running off to go kill himself then I don't see the reason for grabbing gear other than to be a cheap way to give him everything he needs to survive in Equestria.
This is a little on the long side. Try to separate it (and other chunks of text this long) up into a few smaller paragraphs. Otherwise it is a little on the long side and that can be annoying to some readers.
Unless you actually show us these other characters being assholes I doubt that many readers will truly click with your character on a personal level (something that you want to happen lest they decide not to care about him). In any case, I find myself rather enjoying the story so far.
In spite of my previous gripe, I think I like this guy. The review might not be over, but you get a like from me already.
For the record, the Mosin is a better Russian rifle. On a more serious note, why use: AR-15 rounds instead of 5.56 NATO/.223 Remington? Even if it's for those who aren't firearm savvy, you might as well use that instead of what you've got here. In any case, a minor gripe I still like the story so far.
Speaking of things that I like, I like the fact that he doesn't just run off and shoot himself. After the quick 'run in the park' he realizes that suicide solves nothing. I like this because it means that this character isn't looking so cliched after all. A cliched character would just shoot himself like an asshole and be done with it.
This, therefore, leads me to two other possible conclusions (so far) of what might earn a story like this such a poor rating. Granted, the description and tag abuse are gonna turn people off as well so it could very well be these instead.
One: it's taking too long to get to the ponies. This will be the third or fourth story I've seen that has suffered from this sort of reader abuse. We're about halfway through the first chapter and still no ponies. That will put off many readers and there is no sure way to fix this because there is, in reality, no freakin' problem. People just get impatient and without powerful crossover names like Skyrim or Fallout.
Two: the large paragraphs. The paragraphs are very large and this could theoretically be considered a wall of text (though it really isn't as stuff is indented). This can be helped by breaking up large chunks of text into smaller paragraphs and should be done. Anyways, back to the story.
This felt really weak to me for a lightning strike. In any case it's pointless so I'd remove the whole lightning scene as it adds nothing to the story.
Oh yeah, the anthro tag. While I understand that some people like this universe-altering sub-genre, some others (myself included) are not fans of anthropomorphic ponies. This is another way one can earn dislikes, though all things considered I won't tell you not to write anthro because in all fairness there's nothing really wrong with it.
I felt it was pretty weak and wasn't indented at the end. Whereas almost everything prior was great, this ending wasn't so good. Claude seems rather calm in the face of an alien creature after falling into freezing water and getting tossed down a stream. As well, why the heck does he run when the guards charge him? Why not just shoot them. If you're trying to play it safe by not killing them, don't. Light the bastards up, otherwise it feels like you're just forcing the character to be the haloed good guy (something that you shouldn't necessarily do). If you must, go for non-lethal shots, but don't turn and run when they've brought proverbial knives to a gunfight.
In conclusion, I liked everything up until the ponies. As a novice hunter myself, you've got my interest with this character so in spite of the anthro I'll fave for now. The pony stuff, however, needs to be worked on, so consider either an editor or proofreader for that.
There were some minor grammar mistakes as mentioned by another user and if Drive doesn't work for you, copy-paste stuff into an MS Word document and kill all the red and blue underlines.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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EH?