A somewhat deranged author who likes science and writing stories with way too much dialogue. Recently got it through her thick skull that she was a girl.
Hey all, I'll be posting this as a compilation of the short fiction I do for EQD's writer's training grounds. I hope you guys like them!
Chapter 1: The incredible difficulties (or lack there-of) that the Main 6 experience while trying to escape the breezy homeland.
Chapter 2: Big Macintosh never wanted to be Frodo...
Chapter 3: Maud becomes a better mare.
Chapter 4: In this First Prince side story Blueblood the First has to come to terms with his sister Luna's new power.
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In our opinion, we think you killed it with this first story. It was funny, and had some great quotes.
Such as
loved it.
Liked and faved. Keep up the good work.
Can I take a look at this book please? I know to many asses so I really need this book. XD
This paragraph just made me laugh! XD
Great story!
Alright, fine story, not much wrong with the writing style. But if you want to improve it, read books. Not much else to say about that.
Now, on to the only massive problem that kills the story a bit. *ahem*
I have no idea who these characters are!
Luna, I know. She's the Princess of the night. Or is she not the princess here? When you introduced her into the story, I thought she was full grown. Nope, couple paragraphs in, she's a filly. Don't do that. You can have her any age you want her to be, and you can have any character you want be what you want. That's one of the joys of writing. But you need to describe the changes you've made to an established character when introducing that character for the first time and you have to do it on the spot, or else you get people coming in thinking "Haha, Luna doesn't know about privacy. All those years on the moon must have done that to her- oh wait, she's a filly".
Also, who's Blueblood in this story? At first I thought it was from a girl's point of view, then it turned out to be a guy, then it turned out to be Blueblood, then it turned out to be his ancestor, and then it shifted to another Blueblood, who may be the one from the show or a different one. No clue there.
That's why you should establish who you're characters are before you leave your readers confused. In this case, you can have the Captain say something brief that will indicate that the current Blueblood is not the one from the show and is, in fact, a guy. Then you can introduce Luna as a filly to cement the fact that this is an ancestor of Blueblood.
And one last thing, keep in mind that Author's notes can be intrusive to the reader if put at the front. just saying.
4153227
Generally I would agree with both of your secondary comments about character establishment and the author's note, and I know that responding directly to critiques is always a little dicey, but I feel like a very important bit of information was overlooked here:
I put the author's note in there at the beginning to point out that this piece is in fact a side story to a larger work which can be found here:
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/07/story-first-prince_31.html
Now, saying that doing a side story using characters established elsewhere for something like the Writer's Training Grounds is pretty legitimate, but I feel as though it is undercut somewhat by the fact that you are working on a multi-part story for the training grounds (which I am working on the critique for, I'm quite sorry for the delay on that, but I've been entertaining for the past day).
Note, your criticisms are completely fair and correct, it's just that I feel like this story works much better when it is viewed as part of a whole as I intended. Still, it is my fault as a writer for not making that intent clear to you. Do you have any suggestions for how I could make it more obvious that this is a side story?
4155928 Best place to mention that this is a side story would be the end of a description or at the bottom of the author's note. But within the chapter (if there are no previous chapters in the current story that explains things, keep that in mind), assume the reader knows nothing of the universe. Assume that what the reader is reading right now isn't a side story, but a new world that he/she is being introduced to.
It's not going to be viewed as part of a whole if someone's looking at it for the first time. It's going to be viewed as a stand alone thing.
As for my multiparter, I do have something to say about that, but talking about that here will undermine your story, so if you want to bring that up in your review of mine, go ahead.