When anger is all that drives somepony strange things can happen around him. this story featuring two OC ponies as main characters follows the course of events when they both try to resolve major personal issues that keep them from having a normal and happy life in Ponyville where an abundance of peace, love and friendship is ever present yet out of reach for these misfits.
Some of the mane 6 ponies will appear in the story but I will not put them in the main character list since they, for a change (love it or hate it) are side characters in the journey of the two tormented souls.
Meta information
-Contains slightly harsh language.
-Contains some violence.
The artist who provided me with the picture
All hail Avui! here have her DA link for more awesome artwork! http://avui.deviantart.com/
I haven't read this story yet, but it seems interesting. I'm also wondering why I'm the only one commenting on this...
I don't know Cloudy, perhaps it is for the very low amount of views I am getting for my story unfortunatly.
4048565 That's strange though, this story is a lot better than most the trash that gets featured... In fact, I'll favorite it and like it.
Thank you Cloudy, I feel flattered!
Hi there, Hyfnae, Andy speaking ^_^.
I saw your request for critique in the editors-r-us group. Figured I would offer some advice if I could.
Because of the enormus length of your story, I decided that I would only read and comment upon the last chapter. I'll be talking first about the stuff that I liked:
You have a very long story going here, with what seems like a realized storyline. Obviously, it must have taken a lot of time and dedication to write out these 20k thousand words, and to make a coherent storyline out of it. You have a fair grasp of scene transition and language usage to convey character dialogue.
So what I am basically saying is, your story is pretty alright. There is nothing inherently bad about it. There are, however, a lot of things that you could do a lot better. One of the these things being grammar. Now, you may not think that it is important, but readers care about punctuation, spelling, and tense very much. I think if you took the time (and I mean really took a lot of time) to properly proofread your story for grammar and tense mistakes, it would go a very long way towards improving your story.
My second suggestion comes in the form of an example:
Do you see how absolutely enormous this paragraph is? It's ridiculous. I think readers would appreciate it if your paragraphing was more frequent. Try and follow the rule of thumb that states: "Every time I am changing subjects, I should also change paragraph."
A better way to handle that chunk of text could be something like this:
Alright, so done with grammar and paragraphing. Lets talk about language. I'm not going to sugar coat it, your language is sort of weird. I have a hard time understanding what you mean sometimes. Are you perhaps foreign? EIther way, I can't offer suggestions, other than that you should try and be clearer in your speech.
There were some problems with show over tell in the story, but I think this comment has gone on long enough.
If you really want to fix the mistakes I mentioned above, I think that the best way to do it would be to slow down your pace a little bit. Try to write a little bit less every chapter, and instead focus on really getting the grammar and language down, you know? Just a suggestion, you can do whatever you want.
I hope my little critique helped you, or was enlightening in some other way. I think it's fantastic that you came to our group for help, and I hope your story turns out well in the future.
Peace! Andy out
.
4063141 Thank you for your critique. First things, I am not native in the English language so your deduction that I am foreign is correct.(I am Dutch).
I'll try to make sure to use some clearer language and watch my grammar a bit more for the ongoing of this story since it isn't done yet. I don't really know someone who can proofread my story to filter out all the mistakes, the best would be someone who would be native in English. My contacts however are limited since most people I know are Dutch like I am and fail to see constructions faulty in the English language but would make perfect sense in the Dutch language.
anyways, I'll work with the advice you've given me for the next paragraphs following, although some paragraphs simply can't be shorter, for example when a character explains a situation and basically has a long monologue. any advice on that behalf?
4063234
>some paragraphs simply can't be shorter, for example when a character explains a situation and basically has a long monologue. any advice on that behalf?
It is rather unusual for characters to keep speaking for too long at a time. Like, if I am talking to a friend, I usually won't say more than a couple of sentences before I expect them to come with some sort of answer.
If you are for some reason doing a monologue, it is perfectly alright to paragraph even though you haven't changed speaker.
Other than monologues, though, I think you'll find situations that require very long paragraphs rare, so as long as you actively try to keep your paragraphs around 4 or 5 lines, you shouldn't run into to many situations that require long paragraphs when you are writing..
(the rule is not absolute. You do not /need/ to make every paragraph short. But you /do need/ to not make every paragraph a long one),
Ah, I'll put it in my read later and look into it sometime soonish.