Short Fuse

by Hyfnae

Chapter 4: What has been done, can't be undone

“Green is the color of tranquility. Operating rooms in hospitals are often green to relief the working personal of the accumulated stress since they more of than not are the ones who have the life of their patient in their hooves. Why green has this effect on ponies is unknown. A large number of psychiatrists and psychologists as well as sociologists appear to be green. Again, relation between the two factors remains unknown.” ~Various sociology studies on the subject.

~Chapter 4: What has been done, can't be undone.~

Basher went to an inn he was sure Fuse wasn't welcome. However he did in some twisted way enjoy spending time with the troubled pony he really didn't want him around at this point. Basher sat down at a table and sighed a little. When the barmaid approached Basher's table he ordered some ale and looked around. The collection of ponies that had gathered at the bar were a pathetic bunch at best. One pony looked as if he had spend three days straight at the inn living off nothing but beer and complimentary peanuts, another pony was clinging on to the bar barely keeping his balance and a mare showing her goods slightly too much also presumably in a drunken stupor. And all this even before the day was past noon.

Basher looked around and sighed while he subtly shook his head wondering how he had ended up at a place like this. Ponies dwelling in the taverns at this time of day were usually not the most sophisticated but this defied all. Basher got his drink and actually thank the maiden who served the drink since she obviously didn't expect a thank you from one of the early guests, or the ones who had pulled through the night and still resided in the tavern. He took a sip of his drink and contemplated over what he was going to tell the princess, such a request one should never deny, especially given his circumstances. If he didn't accept the offering Fuse never could have gotten the opportunity to talk to the alicorn, so in some way Basher felt happy with himself. He did however it was a request made from a princess not like it at all. He had to expose his entire persona to the princess in order to explain his motivations of helping Short Fuse, which in turn meant he pretty much had to explain his entire background and course of events during his lifetime.

Basher took another sip of his drink, looking around and reflecting some more on the past few days. It all started with that one punch on Fuse's face. Initially he intended to destroy Fuse's life and make him paranoia to even suspect his own shadow to pop up and slam him in the nose. Boy did Basher hate Fuse. But something that night in the inn where they coincidentally met changed everything. Rather than a punching bag Fuse all of a sudden seemed more of a personal project than anything else. Despite the green pony's muscular exterior he always had a certain affinity with empathic interactions with other ponies, seeing their trouble and finding solutions to them seemed all too easy to him while others have no idea how to solve the complicated issues of life they have to face.

Basher sighed as he finished the glass of his ale and addressed the serving pony in a friendly manner for another glass. The maiden was once again pleasantly surprised and spared a smile for the green pony which he returned when he saw how surprised the serving maiden was. He wasn't there to fraternize with anypony, the only thing he sought was some courage in for form of alcohol to face the failure that was his life when he ha to go to Twilight to explain everything.

Soon enough Basher finished his second glass of ale and he felt a flight buzz going. However tempting it was to continue drinking he didn't and payed the barkeep for the two drinks he had consumed. Once again he spared a friendly word for the serving pony and a small smile as he exited the inn and headed back to Twilight's library. He did spend a good hour and a half at the inn. Most of his time he had spend thinking about what he would say and by now he figured he knew what to say and how to explain everything and how everything was connected.

Upon entering the library the green pony couldn't find Twilight and was welcomed by the small purple dragon instead who was attending to his chores to keep twilight's workplace nice and tidy along with the rest of the library. “Hey there Spike, do you have any idea where Princess Sparkle is?” Basher asked.

“Twilight said she had to go help Fluttershy with something, she'll be back in an hour or two,” the purple dragon replied and continued working. “Feel free to read a book in the meanwhile or you could just go home and do something else.”

“Do you perhaps have any books about anger management? I mean, you of all should know dealing with Fuse isn't quite easy and I really think I could benefit from having some knowledge how I can help that red pony to keep his anger in check,” Basher said only half believing his own words. If conventional methods would works he wouldn't have been here now. Still, he always had an affinity to help other ponies and he figured some extra knowledge wouldn't hurt.

“Well, if you think anything but a coma can restrain Fuse feel free to try it, I've got some books here about anger studies and general behavioral studies, but are you sure you're not beating a dead horse here?” Spike asked while he was gathering the books on the subject requested by the green muscular pony.

“No, I don't and I think you don't either,” Basher boldly stated when he thought about the task spike has given the angry red pony to do in order to get forgiveness. “I think you can see the same as I do, the little good within a troubled soul. I know Fuse has done something to each of Twilight's friends you had send him to. You also want to see him fixed.”

“Nah, I just don't feel like gathering everything myself, I've got plenty of work here at the library. Working for Twilight can be truly grueling you know?” spike stated and gave the books he gathered to Basher.

Basher took the books and sat down at a table. “Whatever you say spike, normally I would believe you but it will take weeks before he can actually get you everything you've asked,” the green pony said and chuckled a little. “If you asked all that because you thought it would save you time, you are mistaking little dragon friend.”

Spike drew a bit of a pouty face as he looked towards Basher and growled a little. “Now I might be young, but that colt used me as a football, why in heaven's name would I see any good in that fanged thing that has to pass for a pony?” Spike asked exasperated.

“Yea, so that is why the princess laughed like that when you whispered in her ear to tell her what your plan was and why, however she initially opposed your plan, agreed with it nearly meekly,” Basher hinted and chuckled confidently as he made his statement.

Spike sighed deeply and rolled his eyed. “Gosh, are you a psychologist or what? Alright, you got me. Honestly I really don't care he kicked me. It did hurt and I was shaken but compared to some of the other stuff Twilight and her friends got me in so far, it was nothing. Still, that pony needs a lesson and what better than to make amends to those he has wronged, the same as he did with me,” Spike said surprisingly wise for a creature of his age.

Basher smiled a little and shook his head. “I'm not a psychologist, somehow I have missed my calling during my lifetime and ended up as a deadbeat pony who has to help the one who basically destroyed me,” he said and looked somewhat bummed and he sighed deeply. “If you want to you can join along when I explain everything to princess Sparkle, perhaps you'll understand the why and how,” Basher offered to the small dragon.

Basher started reading the book about anger management once the conversation died with the small dragon and occasionally hummed a little when he came across something that might prove useful for the red pony, or for himself when he had to deal with him for that matter. Although there were some similarities described in the book more oft than not he found Short Fuse's manifestations of anger way worse than described in the book. There was a brief part in the book that extreme cases of anger could cause deviations in the looks of somepony but didn't explain why this happened or how it happened, just that it sometimes happened.

Two hours flew by when Basher went through the books and visibly enjoyed reading everything about behavioral studies and anger management from the books spike provided him when Twilight as predicted got back from helping Fluttershy. She kindly greeted Basher and asked if he was ready. Somewhat bummed he couldn't continue reading and had to explain everything to the princess he nodded his head and reluctantly followed to a separate room of the library where they wouldn't be disturbed by ponies wandering in.

Spike was told to stay in the library to help ponies who wandered in and Basher could do naught but apologize to the dragon since the green pony had previously offered Spike to listen to his story as well. Twilight sat down, levitated a quill and a piece of parchment in front of her and smiled. “Whenever you're ready mister Green,” she said and smiled a little.

Basher sighed a little and started talking. “Very well, I'll begin with the beginning. When both Fuse and I were foals we attended the same school. Back in the day I loved helping other foals with their problems and always saw the best in each and every pony. We formed a tight group in school and we got along perfectly all together. Even our teacher found it remarkable how well we got along. This of course was with the exception of Short Fuse.”

“That foal did absolutely nothing but stand around and mope all the time. Each time we tried to include him we were rewarded with nothing but insults and him walking away grinding his teeth to nubs. I wasn't quite planning to give up on him, you know, as I've said I really saw the good in each and every pony and I once again tried to include him while we were in the mids of a game of tag. The instance I tagged the tempered pony everything went wrong. He attacked me and gave me the punishment of a lifetime, I didn't know what happened exactly then and there but I know it took no less than three teachers to get the red fury off of me.” Basher told and paused here for a brief moment to see if miss Twilight was still managing to keep track of everything he was saying.

“So Short Fuse attacked you when you tried to include him in a game of tag?” Twilight asked somewhat wondering and shook her head slightly as she didn't really manage to understand what could be causing such distress. “I myself wasn't the most social pony when I was a foal, hence princess Celestia sending me here to learn all about friendship. I guess that is in some way comparable to what you are doing mister Green,” Twilight said and gestured Basher to continue his story.

“Now it wasn't unknown for Fuse to throw a temper tantrum every now and again which usually meant the teacher getting a full scale cannonade of insults, screeches and other things that should never be said out loud but up until that day the red pony never attacked somepony. Anyways, at that point I also first noticed the changes to Fuse's appearance. When we were in kindergarten his mane was brown with light green, his bright red coat which nearly hurts the eyes at this point wasn't as bright back then, his pupils narrowed nearly matching those of an angry dragon and lastly, which was only after he attacked me he started to grow fangs. But he already explained this to you. For me a lot changed that day as well. I don't really know what changed but something changed. All of a sudden I failed to see the good in everypony. Every sports competition I was in I completely dropped in ranking as if my confidence had evaporated and soon enough I dropped from the top junior tiers.

At school everything changed as well. Fuse stopped talking completely and the only thing he did occasionally say were nothing but insults or things like 'piss off,' or similar things. The tight group we once were seemed to fall apart since that day since I pretty much closed up as well, and as if you pull the lynch pin from a construction everything fell apart around me. At the end of the month where Fuse attacked me our class was nothing but a group of ponies who happened to be required to be at the same location at the same time. Nopony dared to talk to Fuse anymore and I failed to see the good in everypony for a very long time.” he said and sighed deeply.

Twilight scribbled for some more and looked up once Basher stopped talking. “I still really don't get why you are trying to help him. All I know now is that from a very young age mister Fuse managed to wreak havoc to his entire surroundings. Something must have happened mister Green, please continue your story,” Twilight said and held her quill ready again.

“Right, after we finished school and all graduated, somehow even Fuse managed to get his hooves on a diploma we all went our separate ways. Everypony followed their hopes and dreams, their destiny or what their cutie mark told them, all following their one special talent. But ever since Fuse attacked me I seemed good for nothing. My cutie mark isn't even making any sense either. It is this strange letter called 'psi' and I haven't got the slightest what it means. If you know anything about it I would be glad to know miss Sparkle.” he said and looked at her hoping she would have an answer for him.

“Well mister Green, I have come across this symbol in some complex magical equations but seeing you're an earth pony I hardly think that could be it. Although, and now I am guessing, often that symbol is seen on the covers of books about psychology, seeing how you told me you loved helping other ponies and how you always tried to see the good in everypony you might have you special talent somewhere along those lines. But like I've said, your guess here is just as good as mine,” Twilight said as it took her visible effort to think since this was stretching the limits of her general knowledge despite her being extremely well read compared to most ponies.

“Thanks Princess, perhaps you're right. I've always liked helping ponies with their problems and as I recall I've got this cutie mark when I helped this foal who had a really tough time at home. She was really sad at first but when I talked to her for an hour and gave her some advice how she could tackle the problems she was facing she seemed to bloom up as a whithered plant after a rain shower. Anyways, I digress. As I was telling, after we graduated from school I really didn't continue my studies. Instead I felt horrible and depressed to be honest. Since the attack of Fuse I felt physically inferior to everything and everypony so I started working out until I got buffed and occasionally found work as a bouncer every now and again. So basically I was all over Equestria working as a bouncer for clubs, events and basically everything you can imagine where a pony like me is needed. But I hated it. Days changed into weeks, weeks changed into months and now we're years away from what happened. All I have ever done is trying to flee from the demons haunting me, or I tried to drown my demons in large amounts of liquid but it wasn't long since they learned how to swim.

So I returned to ponyville after seven long years of being away. That didn't help an awful lot though. Don't get me wrong, it was good to be back in the town where I grew up but I still had to face a lot of things. At first all I wanted was revenge on the red pony who had clubbed me into the failure I had become, until I noticed how bad of a wreck he was himself. I noticed how he would explode for the dumbest of reasons, throw tantrums all over town and getting banned from many places. I felt pity but that was diminutive compared to my hatred against him. So after finding out Fuse tied his ends together being a night's watchpony I decided to visit him each night he would stand guard and slap him,” basher said and sighed deeply while shaking his head.

“So you wanted to return the favor Fuse did you all this time ago? An eye for an eye isn't always the way to go mister Basher, though I understand completely how this came to be.” Twilight said and she tilted her head. “However I now do understand some of the background and how you became who you are mister Green, I still don't understand why you're helping this pony.”

“Right, so as I was saying I first wanted to spill his blood where he had spilled mine, make him go through the same misery as I did. So a few nights back when I knew he would be guarding the cake's shop I sought him out. I approached him, hit him and took off without saying a lot, only I promised him each night he would be out guarding something, I would be there to serve another punch. Before Fuse even could get mad once he would overcome the shock I was gone. Anyways, the night after that had happened I figured I would have a nice night at the shabby inn just outside of the town's center and I think you don't need to be a good guesser to figure who I found there sitting alone at a table giving everypony the flat stare he masters.

At first I wanted to turn around and bail the place before he would see me, but for some reason of which I am not completely sure yet I sat down at the table where he sat. I never saw true fear in a pony's eyes, but even though Fuse tried not to show it I saw the complete and utter shock in his eyes. So I started talking to him but it soon turned out into nothing but insults between me and the red pony. He was the most spiteful creature I ever had the displeasure of meeting. Insults changed into a standoff and the standoff resulted into a fight and that fight made sure we got thrown out of the inn with the 'friendly' request to never show our muzzle in there again.” he said and paused for a bit to rub over some of the deeper bruises that still ached.

“So, you got in a fight again? I am still puzzled how on earth you have come to help this pony, I mean, you have explained about everything except that, which is what I've asked you to explain mister Green,” Twilight said growing slightly impatient but she was genuinely interested in the course of events despite the fact that the explanation was rather lengthly.

“Yea, I am coming to that right now. We were tossed out of the inn, right? Well, Fuse's fuse and his fury were completely burned up and he was exhausted. Fatigue is up until now the only thing that calms him down when he erupts completely so that gave me the idea to try to reason with the angry red pony. So we talked some more and in that post fight clarity when all my anger towards the red pony was vented I saw it again, the one thing I haven't seen in anypony for so long. I saw Fuse wasn't all bile and rage, I saw a pony hugely misunderstood in the world, I saw his perspectives were wrong and him being blindsided by his own anger. Once again I felt the spark I didn't feel since the first time fuse smacked me, the need to help other ponies. Since I failed to help Fuse back then, I figured I might give it another shot because still, Fuse is the one who got away. Fuse took a part of me and now he can make me whole again while I help him to become a better and more happy pony who for a change won't be thrown out of each and every place he goes to. Make him feel friendship and open him up to the other nice things in this world so he might experience that for once rather then the eternal anger that holds him and everyone around him in its vice.” Basher said and smiled when he inspired himself with that small speech. It was the first time he had ever talked about what exactly went down between him and Fuse and how it had impacted his life, but somehow it felt good to have it off his chest.

“Wow, that is quite the story mister Green, but I guess I do understand why you're trying and actually somewhat succeeding to help mister Fuse to get his temper in check. But there is one things I don't quite understand, how did Fuse cause you to not see the good in other ponies anymore?” Twilight asked. By now she was at her third piece of paper already since she was quite intrigued by Basher's story.

“I think it was a confidence issue. Fuse caused me to lose my confidence, I was convinced everypony had something good in them but once Fuse lashed out to me like he did I started to doubt myself, I started to think I was incompetent and had no affinity to help other ponies. When my athletic skills also seemed to vanish my confidence sank even lower. Everpony in my class seemed shaken by what Fuse had done and I failed to help my classmates so the once tight group fell apart. That I think was the final blow to my confidence that completely diminished me to a shim of what I used to be, all because of that one pony I failed to help,” Basher explained and sighed a little as he hung his head expressing slight disappointment.

“I see, it is like a story I have once read, a captain of a whale hunting ship and a white whale who eluded every attempt of capture leading to a near obsession. Are you sure Fuse isn't your white wale mister Green?” Twilight asked feeling rather empathic with the green stallion which caused some anxiety as well.

Basher shook his head and laughed a little. “Princess, I mean no disrespect but for a deadbeat pony like me who serves no other purpose nothing can be considered my white whale. I am just trying to get my life back on track, and however I'll never be able to become a psychologist since I am too old to study I might end up providing some counsellings for ponies anyways. But if I just manage to help Fuse get his life on track, mine will follow inevitably,” he said and smiled optimistically.

“Please mister Green, stop calling me princess over and over again, I know princess Celestia has risen my status to princess but I am just a regular pony like you, I have my flaws and just because I am an alicorn doesn't mean I am more than you, so just call me Twilight, or miss Twilight if you insist. Anyways, it is never too late to study mister Green, if you study yourself I could arrange for you to take an exam in psychology if you would like that.” Twilight offered and smiled warmly towards the green pony opposed to her.

“That's possible? I didn't even know, I always figured I had to go back to school in order to do something like that. Would you mind if I were to take Fuse as my thesis project, then you don't have to get the grad student over here,” Basher said and grinned a little seeing now for the first time a realistic opportunity how fuse could actually get his life back on track.

“I am calling the grad student in purely for the magical influences for his deviant looks, Fuse can still be your project by lack of a better word mister Green. You are in charge for his psychological treatment while the grad student focuses on his physiological manifestations. However you are ambitious to help mister Fuse, I think some help would come very much in handy for you, you can't do everything on your own,” Twilight stated while she smiled a little.

The green pony smiled brightly and nodded. “I completely agree pri(...) miss Sparkle, all the help I can get is help dearly welcome to help him. Because it is all but easy to let him see clearly,” basher stated and sighed a little. His smile had vanished as he thought about the many challenges that laid ahead of him and Fuse alike before anything would be close to normal. “By the way, don't I need to be a unicorn to study psychology and whatnot, I thought that was a study at the school for gifted unicorns?” Basher wondered.

“True, the school for gifted unicorns was originally designated as a specialized school for magical studies it has evolved over time to serve a large multitude of academic purposes. Psychology has nothing to do with magic and can be studied by Earth ponies and Pegasi as well. Even though the school kept its name now academics of all three factions study there, although unicorns still form a large majority,” Twilight explained and hoped to give the green pony some much needed morale and motivation.

“I didn't know that, thanks Twilight,” he replied and smiled optimistically since indeed as Twilight intended it has boosted his morale somewhat. “It's a good thing the world of academics is open for all the factions, I really appreciate the time you have taken to hear my story and the effort you put in helping me. I really figured you just wanted to hear me out for your own research into the magic of friendship,” he said and hesitated a bit hoping Twilight wouldn't take offense.

“To be perfectly honest with you mister Green, initially that was what I intended, but then I noticed you are actually using the magic of friendship to help Fuse out, to help him fit in here in town and to give yourself a purpose and find your own path again, you want to redefine yourself and not be the pony Fuse slapped you to be. I can't do anything but respect that and help you where I can since not three years ago I was in pretty much the same situation,” Twilight said and for a brief moment she thought back to her time in Canterlot. Never just hanging out with her friends and only a slave to her books and studies. If it wasn't for princess Celestia's timely intervention she might have ended up about the same as Fuse or Basher, completely out of place.

“Thanks again miss Sparkle. If there is anything I can do for you in return, please just tell me. I'll be going if there is nothing left for me to do so I can attend to my business. Just one more request on my behalf though, could I borrow some psychology books from you so I can start studying for the exam?” He asked and smiled broadly feeling truly reinvigorated by talking to somepony else than Fuse, somepony who didn't insult him every third or so sentence.

“Of course you can mister Green, feel free to ask me any questions if you have difficulties, although I might not always be able to help you, I think Fuse will prove a great asset in your studies and if you are truly motivated and as smart as you let me believe you are, all will be just fine,” Twilight said and headed back into the main library room where all the books were stalled. She hovered some books over to Basher and when the big muscular pony took them from the air he sighed a little as even to him those books were pretty heavy.

One final time Basher thanked the alicorn and he said his goodbye to both Spike and Twilight before taking off from the library with a small smile on his face and new morale to tackle the many obstacles on his own way and Fuse's way. However the first steps had been set, there would still be a very long road ahead of them. The first major thing on their agenda being the meeting with the grad student from the school for gifted unicorns a few days from now. Still despite Basher and Fuse had nothing concrete planned for the next they, they had still arranged to meet if only to talk and set out a possibly course of action for the hard task given to them by Spike, the little dragon the red pony kicked. He could figure out how Fuse managed to get a beef with Rarity, that wasn't at all too hard. He knew what happened during what has become known as the 'Zap apple festival debacle' but what eluded him was what in Equestia's name Fuse had done that managed him to get a restraining order from nopony other than Pinkie Pie.

“Magical manifestations around non magical ponies can be very confusing for one who doesn't know what is going on. However alteration of ones looks is extremely rare. it has been reported more than once that Earth ponies and Pegasi have manifested what could be considered to be magic. Mostly the manifestations of magic are small or unnoticeable although sometimes their effects can be stronger.” ~Quotation from a magics student's thesis at the school from gifted unicorns.

Comments

[Cloudy Day]

I haven't read this story yet, but it seems interesting. I'm also wondering why I'm the only one commenting on this...

[Hyfnae]

I don't know Cloudy, perhaps it is for the very low amount of views I am getting for my story unfortunatly.

[Cloudy Day]

4048565 That's strange though, this story is a lot better than most the trash that gets featured... In fact, I'll favorite it and like it.

[Hyfnae]

Thank you Cloudy, I feel flattered!

[Andy Grey]

Hi there, Hyfnae, Andy speaking ^_^.

I saw your request for critique in the editors-r-us group. Figured I would offer some advice if I could.

Because of the enormus length of your story, I decided that I would only read and comment upon the last chapter. I'll be talking first about the stuff that I liked:

You have a very long story going here, with what seems like a realized storyline. Obviously, it must have taken a lot of time and dedication to write out these 20k thousand words, and to make a coherent storyline out of it. You have a fair grasp of scene transition and language usage to convey character dialogue.

So what I am basically saying is, your story is pretty alright. There is nothing inherently bad about it. There are, however, a lot of things that you could do a lot better. One of the these things being grammar. Now, you may not think that it is important, but readers care about punctuation, spelling, and tense very much. I think if you took the time (and I mean really took a lot of time) to properly proofread your story for grammar and tense mistakes, it would go a very long way towards improving your story.

My second suggestion comes in the form of an example:

One final time Basher thanked the alicorn and he said his goodbye to both Spike and Twilight before taking off from the library with a small smile on his face and new morale to tackle the many obstacles on his own way and Fuse's way. However the first steps had been set, there would still be a very long road ahead of them. The first major thing on their agenda being the meeting with the grad student from the school for gifted unicorns a few days from now. Still despite Basher and Fuse had nothing concrete planned for the next they, they had still arranged to meet if only to talk and set out a possibly course of action for the hard task given to them by Spike, the little dragon the red pony kicked. He could figure out how Fuse managed to get a beef with Rarity, that wasn't at all too hard. He knew what happened during what has become known as the 'Zap apple festival debacle' but what eluded him was what in Equestia's name Fuse had done that managed him to get a restraining order from nopony other than Pinkie Pie.

Do you see how absolutely enormous this paragraph is? It's ridiculous. I think readers would appreciate it if your paragraphing was more frequent. Try and follow the rule of thumb that states: "Every time I am changing subjects, I should also change paragraph."

A better way to handle that chunk of text could be something like this:

One final time Basher thanked the alicorn and he said his goodbye to both Spike and Twilight before taking off from the library with a small smile on his face and new morale to tackle the many obstacles on his own way and Fuse's way. However the first steps had been set, there would still be a very long road ahead of them. (here you are done talking about the library, and starting to tallk about the agenda. Change paragraph)

The first major thing on their agenda being the meeting with the grad student from the school for gifted unicorns a few days from now. Still despite Basher and Fuse had nothing concrete planned for the next they, they had still arranged to meet if only to talk and set out a possibly course of action for the hard task given to them by Spike, the little dragon the red pony kicked. (done talking about spike, beginning to talk about festival. Change paragraph)

He could figure out how Fuse managed to get a beef with Rarity, that wasn't at all too hard. He knew what happened during what has become known as the 'Zap apple festival debacle' but what eluded him was what in Equestia's name Fuse had done that managed him to get a restraining order from nopony other than Pinkie Pie.

Alright, so done with grammar and paragraphing. Lets talk about language. I'm not going to sugar coat it, your language is sort of weird. I have a hard time understanding what you mean sometimes. Are you perhaps foreign? EIther way, I can't offer suggestions, other than that you should try and be clearer in your speech.

There were some problems with show over tell in the story, but I think this comment has gone on long enough.

If you really want to fix the mistakes I mentioned above, I think that the best way to do it would be to slow down your pace a little bit. Try to write a little bit less every chapter, and instead focus on really getting the grammar and language down, you know? Just a suggestion, you can do whatever you want.

I hope my little critique helped you, or was enlightening in some other way. I think it's fantastic that you came to our group for help, and I hope your story turns out well in the future.

Peace! Andy out .

[Hyfnae]

4063141 Thank you for your critique. First things, I am not native in the English language so your deduction that I am foreign is correct.(I am Dutch).

I'll try to make sure to use some clearer language and watch my grammar a bit more for the ongoing of this story since it isn't done yet. I don't really know someone who can proofread my story to filter out all the mistakes, the best would be someone who would be native in English. My contacts however are limited since most people I know are Dutch like I am and fail to see constructions faulty in the English language but would make perfect sense in the Dutch language.

anyways, I'll work with the advice you've given me for the next paragraphs following, although some paragraphs simply can't be shorter, for example when a character explains a situation and basically has a long monologue. any advice on that behalf?

[Andy Grey]

4063234
>some paragraphs simply can't be shorter, for example when a character explains a situation and basically has a long monologue. any advice on that behalf?

It is rather unusual for characters to keep speaking for too long at a time. Like, if I am talking to a friend, I usually won't say more than a couple of sentences before I expect them to come with some sort of answer.

If you are for some reason doing a monologue, it is perfectly alright to paragraph even though you haven't changed speaker.

Other than monologues, though, I think you'll find situations that require very long paragraphs rare, so as long as you actively try to keep your paragraphs around 4 or 5 lines, you shouldn't run into to many situations that require long paragraphs when you are writing..

(the rule is not absolute. You do not /need/ to make every paragraph short. But you /do need/ to not make every paragraph a long one),