Derpy is happy to announce to her friends that she has a boyfriend named Strong Steed. Her friends are happy for her,but when bruises show up on the gray Pegasus,her friends suspect that not all is well in Derpy's love life
Extra tag:Octavia
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This looks good so far, with only a few grammar mistakes and... meatballs? Herbivores? No? Okay.
I love this story, it looks very interesting and I would love to see more of your stories!
yea thats what happened...
bigmac: nope!
Meatballs? the balls of meat? * Laugh*
Moral: saying excuses quickly make them sound like a lie, and lies get you no where.
My biggest issue with this is that it doesn't read like an mlp fic, derpy isn't really incharacter, there's very little about the narrative to suggest that these are ponies, the whole thing seems like a generic dr. Who fic.
4563739 I don't quite understand what you mean
4567720 You've chosen to do a fic without any oof the mane 6, the cmc or the alicorns, which is fine but then you need to make sure there is something else that grounds us in Equestria. Derpy, lyra, bon bon, time turner and Vinyl, don't have personalities in the show, but they also don't really have personalities here either. In addition there is little mention of flight or magic, two things that separate out world from Equestria. In the absence of characters we know you can sometimes use locations to ground your reader but the only one you use that we might recongize is the TARDIS, which is Dr. Who not mlp. So we have characters who don't seem like the ponies and locations that could be anywhere.
There is mention of things like soy sauce, egg rolls and TV, which all feel decidedly human.
You also use the terms arms instead of forlegs, which wouldn't be that bad expect for the stuff I mentioned earlier.
If I changed the characters names to human ones I would think I am reading a generic fic about a group of friends dealing with one of them in an absusive relationship.
4568640 So you don't like it?
4568710 short answer no. (though I am not one of your 7 down votes)
Long answer no, but I'm trying to point out what you could do better, so sorry if I come of as harsh.
ok then... interesting chapter. reveals a lot about this Steel Hoof figure, and i've noticed that each pony runs a name for their talent, which brought up a theory for why he has that specific name. care to tell?
4581357 I don't quite understand the question
4582496( Did you give Steel Hoof his name for boxing or for rough treatment?) for instance, Rarity, or rareness among things, like stone and gems, or bon bon, another name for a certain candy.
4587319 oh yea that makes sense
4570173 maybe he likes using background characters, instead of running mainstream.
4590935
Awesome, background Ponies need love too, but that means he has to do the heavy lifting of telling us what these characters are like. Good news: 4568710 I thought this last chapter did a much better job of giving the reader insight into the personalities of these ponies beyond just "They are against their friend being abused" so keep at it.
aww hoow sad..
4665524 Don't worry. You'll see her in the next chapter
This can only get worse and worse. Kind of reminds me of the old days of bullying, where children would get picked on at school and no one would notice, and if they did the child would make some odd excuse to protect them. never makes sense to me.
4689128 I agree
4690231 only this time people actually do something.
What happens next?
4797770 I really don't know how to explain it
I remember I had a plan for a story I was writing where the most random and improbable things happen, but then again, im drifting from any topic relevant to anything at the moment, and im sure I've taken up most of your time to say that the one person that reads to the end of this is either the most patient person I ever met or heard of, or they are that gullible. Have fun :D
Its alright, but you could work on being more descriptive with your scenes and fix the dialogue up a bit. Just some friendly advice.
Wait, wait. Meatballs? Dare I ask what type of meat they are? Never mind, they probably convinced Pinkie to sell them some.
Ponies don't have arms, they have forelegs and hind legs.