At Time Turner's home/the TARDIS
"May I ask how you got a camera into Derpy's home?" Octavia asked Time Turner as he pressed a few buttons on the control board that lay in front of them.
"Well its hard to explain, I had to mess with some of Ponyvile's wiring pretty much" Time Turner answered
"I keep forgetting how big this place is compared to the outside" Bon Bon said, looking around "How did we even manage to push it behind your shop, Turner?"
"We used a lot of muscle and unicorn magic" Lyra answered instead "My horn was sore for a few days"
Crunch
Everypony in the room turned and saw Vinyl taking a bite out of an apple.
"What? I'm hungry, I haven't eaten that much today" She said as she swallowed part of the red fruit.
Time Turner pressed two more buttons and then pulled a lever that lay on the far right corner of the control board. A big TV that stood in front of everyone that was mounted on the wall soon showed Derpy's Kitchen and Living Room.
"Wow, Derpy has gotten some nice furniture since we were there" Lyra said, standing next to Octavia. They were soon joined by Bon Bon and Vinyl.
Derpy soon appeared on the screen in the kitchen, she was wearing a simple red dress with artificial silver earrings and artificial gold bracelets around her arms.
"She looks very nice in the dress, I'll tell you that" Octavia said.
"She's very pretty, look at those earrings, I wonder where she got them" Bon Bon said
"Ok Everypony" Time Turner said "Her date starts any minute now, so we now might as well watch and see what happens"
Everybody watched the screen as their friend's date started
Derpy's Home
Derpy finished placing the silverware on the table and placed two glasses and plates and a wine bottle and soy sauce bottle. She filled the plates up with eggrolls and rice and the glasses with wine. She then placed a few rose petals around the table and started some music from the radio in the living room. She then hurried in the hallway to the bathroom mirror to finish up her make up. Adding some lipstick, mascara, powder and perfume (Nice rosy scented). She quickly brushed her mane and hurried for the door.
Ding Dong
She opened the door and there stood a red earth stallion with a spiky black mane and tail and had a pair of boxing gloves as a cutie mark. He wore a white t-shirt with a grey blazer covering it.
He smiled "Hey honey"
Derpy returned the complement by a peck on the cheek "Dinner is ready"
She led Strong Steed to the kitchen table and they both sat down. They began eating the rice and drank the wine for a few minutes. That was until Derpy reached for the soy sauce.
"What's that?" her boyfriend asked her
"It's soy sauce" Derpy answered
"Oh yea, Soy sauce my flank! I didn't ask for soy sauce! Are you trying to poison me?"
"No No! It's just that Time Turner said it would be good"
"Yea, sure he did. I bet he's the one your cheating on me with"
"No. I'm not cheating on you!"
"He and those other mares, you always talk about them" Strong Steed said in a mocking tone
"Their my friends, I love them and you always talk about your friends from the club"
"Well, my friends are all colts, all you mares are good for is cooking, cleaning and taking care of their man AND look at me when I'm talking to you!" He roared as he reached over and grabbed Derpy's left arm, Who just quickly pulled her arm free from him.
Strong Steed gave Derpy and mean stare before going back to eating. It went quite again as they started eating again.Strong Steed took a bite from one of the eggrolls, but he all of the sudden quickly coughed it back up.
"What's wrong?" Derpy asked as she rushed to his side
"This food tastes awful" Strong Steed answered "Awful like your dress, you ARE trying to poison me"
"No Babe! I'm not trying to poi-" she got cut after her face met Strong Steed's hoof, which caused her to fall.
Strong Steed picked up his plate of food, throw it on the ground and grabbed Derpy by the back of her hair "EAT IT! YOU TRYING TO POSION ME!! YOU EAT IT!!" he hollered in her ear as he forced her head down in the food. When he pulled her face back up, it was cover it rice, smashed eggroll, soy sauce. He then picked up his glass of wine and splashed it on her, staining her dress and mane. Tears rolled down her face as he started kicking her.
"You better stop the fake tears! All mares are good for are cooking and your not even good at that! I have no reason to stay with you"
Derpy looked up at her coltfriend "I'm sorry, I tried my best to cook, I'm not the best at it, but my friends say I have a talent for it, almost like Bon Bon"
Strong Steed's only response was picking up the plate and throwing it on the ground, causing it break in a few pieces. He then gave the mare on the floor before him give her a few more kicks to the back and stomach. When done, Derpy lay there, here arms protecting her face while she kept crying.
Strong Steed raised his voice "Will you do better next time?!"
Derpy nodded her head
He continued "You respect me, you know that?"
She nodded again
He cleared his throat "Good. But now you have once again ruined another date by your bad cooking. I work hard for us and give you so much and you can't even me a good meal. I'm outta here, I'll call you later"
And with that, he slammed the front door behind him, leaving Derpy crying on the floor
At Time Turner's home/The TARDIS
Time Turner and the other stared at the TV screen in horror. Lyra and Vinyl's eyes were wide in shock. Bon Bon had looked away, tears rolling down her cheeks. Octavia and Turner looked at each other, they were horrified, upset and angry. Their eyes said it all.
Vinyl broke the silence by slamming her hoof down on the control board in anger and made her way to the door.
"Vinyl, where are you going?" Octavia said
The white unicorn turned at her with a furious look "That dude thinks he has the right to beat up one of our friends. Now that we know he's the scumbag, I say we go and give HIM a beating"
"What good is that going to do?" Bon Bon asked, wiping her tears away "Also, why did Derpy lie to us?"
"She's scared" Time Turner answered "She's so scared, we saw how she was. She's terrified of him"
"I agree" Octavia said "That's not how you treat a lady and we mares have more talent then just cooking a cleaning, how dare he say that!"
"Guys" Lyra said "I've done thinking, now that we know, I think we should get together and let her know we know about the abuse and that we are worried about her. She's always been there for us and made us laugh and now it's our turn to help her"
"I agree with Heartstrings" Vinyl said, cooling off from her anger "Derpy's our friend, we need to give her 'the talk'
Everyone was quite for a moment until Turner spoke "I say we do it, Derpy needs us"
Everypony nodded in agreement and made their way out of the TARDIS and to their Friend's home.
My biggest issue with this is that it doesn't read like an mlp fic, derpy isn't really incharacter, there's very little about the narrative to suggest that these are ponies, the whole thing seems like a generic dr. Who fic.
4563739 I don't quite understand what you mean
4567720 You've chosen to do a fic without any oof the mane 6, the cmc or the alicorns, which is fine but then you need to make sure there is something else that grounds us in Equestria. Derpy, lyra, bon bon, time turner and Vinyl, don't have personalities in the show, but they also don't really have personalities here either. In addition there is little mention of flight or magic, two things that separate out world from Equestria. In the absence of characters we know you can sometimes use locations to ground your reader but the only one you use that we might recongize is the TARDIS, which is Dr. Who not mlp. So we have characters who don't seem like the ponies and locations that could be anywhere.
There is mention of things like soy sauce, egg rolls and TV, which all feel decidedly human.
You also use the terms arms instead of forlegs, which wouldn't be that bad expect for the stuff I mentioned earlier.
If I changed the characters names to human ones I would think I am reading a generic fic about a group of friends dealing with one of them in an absusive relationship.
4568640 So you don't like it?
4568710 short answer no. (though I am not one of your 7 down votes)
Long answer no, but I'm trying to point out what you could do better, so sorry if I come of as harsh.
ok then... interesting chapter. reveals a lot about this Steel Hoof figure, and i've noticed that each pony runs a name for their talent, which brought up a theory for why he has that specific name. care to tell?
4581357 I don't quite understand the question
4582496( Did you give Steel Hoof his name for boxing or for rough treatment?) for instance, Rarity, or rareness among things, like stone and gems, or bon bon, another name for a certain candy.
4587319 oh yea that makes sense
4570173 maybe he likes using background characters, instead of running mainstream.