An alicorn who was left alone as a foal with no name quests to find out who he is. His epic adventure finally leads him to Equestria.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 16th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Oct 7th, 2014
Midnight Galaxy
I am a writer, I write things other than mlp fanfiction, but this is what I am currently focusing on.
Midnight Galaxy
Joined 16th Feb, 2014 ·
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Probably the worst thing ever.
Heads up dude, this will probably earn a lot of downvotes because alicorn OC's are not really tolerated well on here.
3957191
3957115 Thank you for the warning. As long as people read it and give constructive feed back, the negative comments are alright. A little negative feedback very now and again is good for a writer.
3957103 What do you mean?
3957412
You know what it means, kid. Go home.
3957407 No problem
It's very true that negative feedback motivates a writer to become better because I've had the same experience--matter of fact I think mostly everyone has.
At least you have respectable word count for each chapter
. Sure the required amount is 1k, but beating it by 2k or more words is quite impressive. The OC seems to be your main problem. If characterization or plot is bad, your likely to get slammed for that to.
Well... Okay, I guess? Aside from one or two errors, your grammar is pretty solid, but regarding the rest of what I just read, it could use a lot of improvement. Since I've only read the first chapter, I may be missing some stuff ahead, but from what I've read so far, it kind of left me with a few questions in regards to plot. I hope you don't mind if I ask a few.
Firstly, and probably the biggest; why is nopony reacting to the (according to you) big blue alicorn walking into the middle of town? Is it that all the townsponies are used to weird things happening in Ponyville, so they've just learned to block out anything bizarre going on, or something like that?
Next, this one came to me while I was reading this part:
If the main character has traveled for so long, as he later tells Twilight, then why is that his only memory? Does he suffer some chronic form of amnesia that makes him forget the specifics of his life, all except for that first moment?
I know, I know. Really nitpicky stuff and all, but what I just read really left me out in the dark. Hopefully the way I've phrased my questions hasn't offended you, but if so, my apologies.
You are in fact a pretty damn good writer. For real. If you didn't write an alicorn oc story I would absolutely read what you write.
I don't know if you know this but it's pretty much a dead horse trope. Male alicorn self projected author OC with Final Fantasy amnesia enters Ponyville. I'm shocked that it's not like, universal knowledge.
My advice? Keep on writing, but don't do this story. I understand wish furfillment, but this isn't it. People want to read new adventures of uniqueness, not self projected fantasies of one person. They want to read new worlds, or characters that aren't author inserts nor steal the limelight from the characters of the show.
You have a writer's soul inside of you. You just need to sit down and find it. Cause it's there.
The words count is really good, and the formatting of the story is correct.
But the main idea ? An amnesiac Alicorn OC coming into Ponyville ?
Especially because you describe him as a self-taugh pony ( amnesiac, orphan, no contact with anyone for a long time ), he should not be able to interract with anyone. The fact he survived alone, without memory for so many years is not really plausible at all, but the fact that he learned alone to talk perfectly, to interract with peoples flawlessly just doesn't make any sense, and just reinforce the wish-fulfillment aspect of the story ( because badass amnesiac OC are cool ).
Make the OC a simple pegasus or unicorn or earth pony ( they're not so lame, and it could explain how he survived for so long in the wild ), and the story is going to have a way better reception.
But an Alicorn OC ? Not a chance.
3957753 Thank you for pointing that out. The stories I post here a similar to rough drafts. I post them so I can get a feel for what people what and then I can change the story accordingly. I do have to say, now that you point it out. It is a little strange that the ponies in Ponyville don't react much.
On to your second question. I know that I didn't explain it well about his memory. That memory is the only one he has pertaining anything to who he is. He actually has a really good long term memory, as is written in the next book. I am glad you took the time to comment and give me feedback.
3957775 Thank you for the complement. I am just curious, what does everyone have against an alicorn oc? This is the only site that people have complained about it? I'm not trying to be rude, but I'm just wondering. And thank you again for the complement.
3958080 A lot of his learning came from the interaction for other pony/equine creatures throughout his life. Most of which is explained in the second book. The who story is a work in progress, but I do see where you are coming from.
3959162 No problem, my friend. I just want to keep you writing before other people tell you to hang up your pen.
Because there are five alicorns - if one counts chrysalis - in the show, and they all have large backstories about them. To be an alicorn is a massive undertaking, and you can't treat it likely.
Ninety nine percent of alicorn OC's are awful. They are the awful projecting themselves, poorly thought out, and just feel weird. More so a male one, more so of your character's color, more so that he has absolutely no idea why he is one, nor why everyone treats it so casually.
They can only be done well if they are extremely well thought out, deities in another form - Discord alicorn is one hundred percent acceptable if not badass - or some metaphysical force. Upheaval: Reckoning's Terrato is an excellence if not the best alicorn OC ever written. Nyx is nothing on him.
It just shows indecision. I wish I could cast magic and fly too, and while I genetically would most likely be a unicorn, I'd wish I was a pegasus. If... I made an OC. Having both just comes out as... fake.
And the color patterns on your OC don't match an alicorn, unless he was like, some Norse war god of the night. Then yes, yes he would.
As for what the person underneath me said, you don't want to wait 'until the next book'. The first chapter is the most important chapter of a story. Period. Not the climax. Not the ending. The very first chapter, and even more so the very first couple of paragraphs. This is what hooks people in. Make it count.
3959219 Thank you very much for the information. I have planned on making a new story with a different OC. Thank you for taking the time to explain it to me.
3959293 Wow. My spelling was awful that last post. Blame my ADHD medication not kicking in.
The point is is that the world has alicorns for a reason, and if you are adding one, it better be a damn good reason too. Terrato in Upheaval is Luna's and Celestia's middle brother that nopony knows about. Why? He's a war god. He's the god of the earth and war. He protects the outsides of Equestria from the deities and forces that wish to kill ponies. He's Thor with the power of earthquakes. There is a reason he is hidden. He has been fighting evil for thousands of years. He's cold, calculating, a general and fighter. He is not fluffy. He does not know mercy. His heart is in the right place, but he knows mercy is for the 'weak'. He's not all powerful, but his voice can literally shake castles if he is angered. He has an extremely deep personality, back story, and reason for why he exists, why he's not talked about, and why he's alive.
If you make alicorn OC's, make them forces of something. Nyx from Past Sin's is the left over of Nightmare Moon. In my own stories Sliepnir, the norse horse of Odin, is the middle brother of Luna and Celestia. He's the god of the skies, and is an alicorn. But I also write comedies too.
If you make alicorn's, you can make them projections of demons. Corruptions. Deal with dragons. Dragon magic turns a pony into an alicorn. It's not something you tread on lightly.
My advice is also if you are making an OC focused story don't have him dominate the mane cast. Always a bad idea, and people feel it's the author injecting themselves into the show. They are the mane cast for a reason.
It doesn't mean you can't make incredible OC's that aren't equals or equally as interesting. They just have to be superbly thought out. LoyalLiar and Upheaval: Reckoning is a great place to read OC's as beautifully done as the mane cast.
Headlining OC's do best with other OC's and background ponies all in one group. You don't want to steal the shine from a main character. Think of it as making a character more powerful than Harry Potter.
3959332 Thank you for the information. I have been working on the back story of Midnight for a while now. It is far from finished, but it is progressing. what I have so far is that he is related to Princess Celestia and Luna, somehow. I haven't worked on the details yet. Thank you again for your help.
4008921 Thank you for the comment, and I know. It's hard to find works to replace those when writing dialog, but I'll try to work on it.
First off lets talk about that alicorn OC. Most of the time this ends in a complete mess but in this case you actual pulled it off and made an interesting character here. The story line was good and I didn't see many grammar errors. Well worth the read. Have and upvote.
4093948 Thank you, not very many like it. So thank you for your comment and upvote
3957474
Wow man, not cool.
4600167
Love you, too, babe <3