- Member Since 27th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 30th, 2017
Qwerty_Onice
why do you wanna know me? maybe i don't wanna tell you! ever think of that?
Qwerty_Onice
Joined 27th Oct, 2013 ·
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You need an editor, good sir.
I sent you a PM with the chapter because it would be too long to put in here. I tried to fix up the grammar, your paragraphs (although I didn't spend much time on that), and your POV errors. I believe that this story has great potential, but you didn't bring that out as much as you could.
if they attack him for hunting and trapping he has the right to defend himself which sadly isn't much...
Okay, it is a good idea, but I saw more than a few errors; all of which are easily solved.
The first thing I noticed, is you switch perspectives. what you are doing is easily acceptable as this is your first story, and that gives others no right to judge unless they themselves are experienced, so if they give you a bad comment, ignore them unless they are truly trying to help you improve. What you need to do is choose how you want to write. you can do what I do, and write from the characters eye's (basically think if it as you being in the portrayed shoes), so you will use words such as me and I. If you want to do it another way, then you need to use words such as he, she, and they.
Now, for regular mix ups and misspelled words, after you 'save' your word document, go back and fix your errors. After that, save it again, and then close the document, but before you continue to load it up for viewing, open the word document once more, and then wait a few moments (depends on the length really). Once it is reloaded entirely, go through the document slowly, and look for red, blue, or green underlined words. Sometimes the word document will tell you there is an error when there really isn't one, but more often than not, it is an error. If you REALLY want to ensure you get everything done correctly, then have a thesaurus next to you (hard copies are better than what is online), and actually read your chapter. This is how I used to do it, but I used to have lots more spare time back then. If you wish to let others fix those issues for you, then you will need an editor like narlepoax said, but before you ask or get any ideas, I won't be able to do it. pretty soon here, I'm going to be working a lot, and then I have school to... so I will be limiting my own writing pretty much now...
The concept you have is pretty good, but you need to space out the details. For example, you jumped the time frame by 3 days almost immediately, and in my eyes, that is the incorrect way to do so in any story, new or not. However, if you do what you did when you switched to Applejack's P.O.V., then I consider that the correct way of doing it. You made a center point, along with removing it from the actual story frame so that everyone else knew that easily that there was a time switch.
Keep up the good work, and remember, you need detail to emphasis important things you want to be portrayed better than others. for example, if you have him daydream while staring into the fire, describe his feelings, describe how the fire looks as it is flicking, wavering in the breeze, crackling as the wood is consumed by intense heat. Draw a picture with the words you write, and I can guarantee you will not only enjoy writing so much more, but you will find it enjoyable as well instead of just tedious. Capitalization also plays a huge factor, as it gets slightly irritating to see words that should be capitalized constantly not when they should be. It isn't much, but all the little things add up, and as another great author told me, it generally makes you look better when you get the small things right.
Now, this is the end of this review. Don't expect another long review like this, as I rarely leave reviews like this anymore. Hope you have a good night/day whenever you see this, and know that this story has my thumbs up and fav. I will do my best to help you out whenever you ask for it, but don't expect huge boosts of help aside from suggestions and personal tips.
3948054 Thx, ill come back to the first chapter at a later time, but currently i'm working on ch.2. Also, have you read the original story? It has many spinoffs and had an entire group of over 425 people making these and helping on the original.
3948430 I know, I'm waiting for next update! lol...
Anyways, I'm waiting for a reply from max to see what he thinks of my spinoff before I start writing it
holy nutballs why is this fic getting so much flak? it's only one chapter and its pretty dam good.
Might want to correct that note there.
Overall, the chapter felt a little rushed. Don't be afraid to slow down and explain what the MC is seeing and feeling. This is especially important for a first-person story. Show me what I see/hear/smell/feel/taste. I'd also recommend against shifting to another first-person point-of-view, as that can disrupt the reader's immersion in the story. It also hard to pull off good POV swaps, so don't feel too bad if it takes a long time to master that technique. I've seen professional authors struggle with it.
I agree with everyone here. There is a good story, but it's partially buried from the various grammar errors. Given that it's your first story, you shouldn't be surprised that you have a lot of errors. See if you can find a solid and/or experienced editor and have him/her walk you through your mistakes. That way, you learn what you're doing wrong so that you don't make them again.
The second chapter is almost done with. With my little brother turning 8 and everything else happening at school I don't find much time to myself. But it will be done soon. By Sunday at least' if not' a week from then.
You've got a lot of the same errors as the previous chapter. There are a few groups that focus on providing proofreading and editing for authors. Just search for them in the groups tab.
You also have a problem with switching between third- and first-person perspective. While primarily in first-person, you also jump around to different people. That's extremely hard to pull off correctly, and I'm not too surprised that it's doing more harm than good right now. From now on, I'd recommend sticking with either just a single, first-person limited perspective (as in, we don't know about what's going on beyond what the character would know) or going with a first-person limited with some (read: rare) jumps to third-person omniscient when we need to know about what's going on. Those two options I find to be the best and easiest to use to tell a story.
first chapter: wow man this looks like it has potential.
second chapter: guy goes full retard, loses a fight with a machete against a naked guy? well shit.
seriously this guy has been surviving in the Everfree, was boasting about his intelligence and then immediately stumbles over his feet trying to take off a guys head and then chucks his one weapon at him. *sigh* Sorry I just thought we had someone competent for a protagonist and wouldn't get K.O'd in the first few chapters. Cuz seriously, unconsciousness is not a plot device. It's a concussion.
Also max is kind of a scrub in a fight so this guy losing is just absolutely terrible.
4160747 i know, but like you said, usually.
4160199 who says it is a conclusion? all will be revealed in due time.
4160074 Thx for the tip.
Love the story although there is some issues with it.
4161436
I believe that one was directed towards fedora gamer.
Can't wait for the next chapter
so did he pass out because of the absurdity of the situation or because someone silently knocked him out?
also... 3 month wait for 300 words? *sigh*
4637628 absurdity and my family goes camping way too often, and add that with school and parties and I have not much free time. HOWEVER! There will be a chapter either tommorow or Saturday, because I have another boy scout summer camp to attend
Least they're only a week.
4638686 Camping trips and boy scouts? say no more. that shit sucks up time time like jersey shore sucks up I.Q.
This guy takes out MULTIPLE manticores with ease but lose to a guy who barely avoided Death in a pitfight against non intelligent humans
. Ok I admit that Max probably is in good chape after living in equestria til now but come on: someone who survived the everfree for two weeks by utilize his superior intelligence loses to a guy who hangs around in a libary all day long (exept when he "plays" with Rainbow or something happens). I realise that this was a plot devise but you better give us a damn good reason why he slung his primary weapon and lost like a casual 
. On a different note I hope to see more soon and I will keep Reading this as long as you keep some sort of realism in this story, good luck and have a good day 
.
Jared just doesn't give a fuck about anything, he just wants to camp:
arrogantass.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/d7a3dcc83bf07a49be9c258285ca190335.png
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