Orisian was a juggernaut. He could break through castle walls alone if you gave him the order. He could obliterate enemy ranks if it was required, and he could hold off thousands of enemy forces if it meant protecting his superiors. But even with his experience and strength, no one can save a kingdom that is past its glory days. So what happens when his world falls, and everything he fights for is gone?
Added the Romance tag. Honestly never expected to have that in this story.
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This is a pretty interesting story, but your characters and delivery need a little work. The biggest problem with your non-character writing is ambiguous pronouns. Take the sentence, "Returning her attention to the battle, they both saw how easy their enemies were overwhelmed when their enemies were to close to shoot." There are too many "their"s and it makes it a mess to decipher.
On the character side, Orisian is a bit of a Gary-Stu, seeing as Twilight and Rarity immediately start to faun over him as soon as they see him. As well as that he single handedly massacres armies.
Overall, not horrible.
5620514 Many thanks
I would like some advice on the character and delivery improvement though.
5621312 You ever watched Mulan?
...probably not. But if, then it would be a good reference. I should really start reading before commenting. Yeah, sounds nice.
5693538 I have actually, but I can't say I was thinking of it when I wrote that chapter. To be honest, I was having trouble coming up with a good name for it.
5693568 I was talking about the title of the story... what chapter?
5693576 i saw the chapter "The Past is the Master of the Present" next to your name.
My bad.
5693584 I commented before starting to read anything... should have written it more clearly.
5693611 nah, I'm just still getting used to how this site works. Either way, hope you like the story.
5693619 You should have gotten a notification about it already...
A juggernaut too soft?
Luna, if you wouldn't be 1000 years out of time, I would be disgusted at how the writer wrote you.
COME ON! WHY DID YOU WRITE HER AS DELUSIONARY WRECK???
5701042 your talking about the end of "Settling In" yes? That's not Luna. That's one of her guards.
5701201 Ah, then everything is fine.
"Hey, don't worry about getting your ass kicked. The Princess wanted me to tell you it was a good fight."
"The Princess wanted me to tell you it was a good fight."
"it was a good fight."
"good fight."
Didn't the fight last at most 5 minutes?
But how can you...
That is just...
Forget it.
5701722 if Orisian, a veteran of many wars who has fought his whole life, can only last about five minutes, what kind of normal sparring match does Luna have when the one she so easily beat is so much better then the rest of the common soldiers?
5704338 ...5-30 seconds if she is not playing around, and that is to close the distance...
5704342 still, he lasted longer than most, if not all of her other fights.
Ya know...where the hell are archers and crossbowmen? They still have a higher fire rate then those...flintlock (I think?) type gun...and most definitely more accuracy...since the early guns are terribly inaccurate...plus, they seem to rely too much on guns and doesn't seem all that heavily armored...leather armor at best...if they have a skilled and dedicated ranged fighters like those they could still have won...it's not like they are dealing with level-action, bolt-action, semi-auto and full auto weapons.
5704479 Kingsmen fight with honor, and glory. They choose to fight in hand to hand combat, excelling at it and having no strength with ranged attacks.
And assume the Pirate's weapons are at least semi accurate with good range.
5704504 There is no honor in war (Ever heard of: "Everything is fair in love and war"?). But, I can see how they would view it as dishonor when they have such a long tradition and pride in their melee combat...Though, there is a thing called honor when weilding ranged weapons.
Unless you have impossible skill with melee (Ex: blocking and deflecting things that travel at supersonic to hypersonic speed), shunning ranged weapon is foolish...Modern day military may use ranged weapons most of the time but they still train their soldiers in unarmed melee combat and armed melee combat (usually with short sword, knife, dagger, bayonet) because bullets are not unlimited and guns are rather cumbersome in close quarter...
Also, nice job with making the thoudsand years old princess beating some mere mortal...if he managed to beat her then that would be...sad and weird...
5704631 Kingsmen here are a lot like Spartans when it comes to perfecting melee combat. They can't defend themselves from a speeding bullet, and as you've seen before they don't fare too well against crossbows, but they still dominate when they get close. If they divided their time to train with melee, and ranged combat, they wouldn't have their edge in close quarters. I assume you understand these pirates aren't exactly pushovers when it comes to hand to hand fighting, yes? To best them easily, especially after having been wounded by multiple bullets, is no simple feat.
5704645 I'm guessing that the bullet damage could be considered an instant-kill if it were real people?
5705485 long term? Some infections might occur, but unless the bullets hit vital organs, we're just talking about the pain. Blood loss can be counted too, I guess.
5705581
My mistake, it's just usually the case with weapons from that time period to just kill people outright from the pain. (Yes, pain can kill you.)
i love it but im confused are they ponies or humans?
5860648 Humans
5860691 I really wish they had a Humanized tag (Hz).
I'm sure you story is interesting, from what I read up until the point I found out they were humanized, it seemed well written. I come to Fimfiction to read about ponies, not ponies turned into humans. The only exception I make to this is if the ponies are humanized temporarily for a purpose.
That's just me, though, and I am by no means speaking for everyone.
5860962 Thanks for giving it a try anyway.
I like it! Very cool to see a knight in Equestria instead of the usual 'Marine/Pilot/Crewman'.
5868433 Glad you enjoy it.
5704479 That's what I thought at first too.
I like this.
All I could think about after he was drowning was 'Keelhauled' By Alestorm
God I love that song...
Somehow I was expecting a Rocky style training montage for that wall. XD
It's a trap!
Or maybe not...
5873275 It does resemble that song, doesn't it?
No! Zecora, not rhyming at the beginning of a story. This is not a Dr.Seuss book
The story is really amazing I hope to see more in the future
6273194 Thank you. Haven't updated it much because summer, and I'm much too lazy to do anything besides sit on a chair and watch videos.
6274753 LOL
OK, I will wait patiently for your return
I'm not sure directly addressing the audience like
work in stories like this. It's effective in first person, but here... I don't know.
6402345 well, it's not like I'm a veteran author. I just used what I thought got the point across the best. Thanks for the tip though.
You forgot to add the anthro tag.
6628039 I don't think they would count as anthro, seeing as they only have wings and horns, no horse ears or tails
6629743 There's a simple way to find out: did you anthropomorphise a non-human character? If yes, it's anthro.
6630476 Then I don't believe so. The characters, aside from Orisian, were not ponies to begin with. They have no features that would relate them to animals, except for Pegasus wings, which is a characteristic of one of the pony races. But, again, I'm not sure, and I would gladly add the anthro tag if given a valid argument showing that it is anthro
6631600 Listen, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not reading the story anyway, since I'm of the opinion that not going full pony is just silly even if it does tend to produce similar stories. If you want to pretend that the anthro tag only matters when you put horse ears and a muzzle on things but not when you fully humanise them, then rock on.
NEXT chapter YES!!
I hope for more chapters soon
the fight made him look like a total bitch. got his ass kicked.
5864378 There's a name for them. Not quite anthro but not entirely human either...
6756525 Well, this story relies heavily on fantasy. You don't think Orisian would have survived the first chapter if this story had realism applied to it, do you? Think of it as this: Whereas Orisian is a level 70, Luna is a level 120. He is heavily outclassed.
Took me a while to figure out how to word my response(not to mention forgetting about this story multiple times), but I just decided to use game logic. Probably a bad idea.
And where may I find these forbidden chapters?