You need an editor, good sir.

I sent you a PM with the chapter because it would be too long to put in here. I tried to fix up the grammar, your paragraphs (although I didn't spend much time on that), and your POV errors. I believe that this story has great potential, but you didn't bring that out as much as you could.

if they attack him for hunting and trapping he has the right to defend himself which sadly isn't much...

Okay, it is a good idea, but I saw more than a few errors; all of which are easily solved.

The first thing I noticed, is you switch perspectives. what you are doing is easily acceptable as this is your first story, and that gives others no right to judge unless they themselves are experienced, so if they give you a bad comment, ignore them unless they are truly trying to help you improve. What you need to do is choose how you want to write. you can do what I do, and write from the characters eye's (basically think if it as you being in the portrayed shoes), so you will use words such as me and I. If you want to do it another way, then you need to use words such as he, she, and they.

Now, for regular mix ups and misspelled words, after you 'save' your word document, go back and fix your errors. After that, save it again, and then close the document, but before you continue to load it up for viewing, open the word document once more, and then wait a few moments (depends on the length really). Once it is reloaded entirely, go through the document slowly, and look for red, blue, or green underlined words. Sometimes the word document will tell you there is an error when there really isn't one, but more often than not, it is an error. If you REALLY want to ensure you get everything done correctly, then have a thesaurus next to you (hard copies are better than what is online), and actually read your chapter. This is how I used to do it, but I used to have lots more spare time back then. If you wish to let others fix those issues for you, then you will need an editor like narlepoax said, but before you ask or get any ideas, I won't be able to do it. pretty soon here, I'm going to be working a lot, and then I have school to... so I will be limiting my own writing pretty much now...

The concept you have is pretty good, but you need to space out the details. For example, you jumped the time frame by 3 days almost immediately, and in my eyes, that is the incorrect way to do so in any story, new or not. However, if you do what you did when you switched to Applejack's P.O.V., then I consider that the correct way of doing it. You made a center point, along with removing it from the actual story frame so that everyone else knew that easily that there was a time switch.

Keep up the good work, and remember, you need detail to emphasis important things you want to be portrayed better than others. for example, if you have him daydream while staring into the fire, describe his feelings, describe how the fire looks as it is flicking, wavering in the breeze, crackling as the wood is consumed by intense heat. Draw a picture with the words you write, and I can guarantee you will not only enjoy writing so much more, but you will find it enjoyable as well instead of just tedious. Capitalization also plays a huge factor, as it gets slightly irritating to see words that should be capitalized constantly not when they should be. It isn't much, but all the little things add up, and as another great author told me, it generally makes you look better when you get the small things right.

Now, this is the end of this review. Don't expect another long review like this, as I rarely leave reviews like this anymore. Hope you have a good night/day whenever you see this, and know that this story has my thumbs up and fav. I will do my best to help you out whenever you ask for it, but don't expect huge boosts of help aside from suggestions and personal tips.

3948054 Thx, ill come back to the first chapter at a later time, but currently i'm working on ch.2. Also, have you read the original story? It has many spinoffs and had an entire group of over 425 people making these and helping on the original.

3948430 I know, I'm waiting for next update! lol...

Anyways, I'm waiting for a reply from max to see what he thinks of my spinoff before I start writing it

holy nutballs why is this fic getting so much flak? it's only one chapter and its pretty dam good.

...thinking about something [note: try to specify what]...

Might want to correct that note there.

Overall, the chapter felt a little rushed. Don't be afraid to slow down and explain what the MC is seeing and feeling. This is especially important for a first-person story. Show me what I see/hear/smell/feel/taste. I'd also recommend against shifting to another first-person point-of-view, as that can disrupt the reader's immersion in the story. It also hard to pull off good POV swaps, so don't feel too bad if it takes a long time to master that technique. I've seen professional authors struggle with it.

I agree with everyone here. There is a good story, but it's partially buried from the various grammar errors. Given that it's your first story, you shouldn't be surprised that you have a lot of errors. See if you can find a solid and/or experienced editor and have him/her walk you through your mistakes. That way, you learn what you're doing wrong so that you don't make them again.

The second chapter is almost done with. With my little brother turning 8 and everything else happening at school I don't find much time to myself. But it will be done soon. By Sunday at least' if not' a week from then.

Jared just doesn't give a fuck about anything, he just wants to camp:
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