When Jared, a backpacker gets himself into the everfree, he tries his best to survive. but how did he get here? take place in the Your human and youverse by madmaxtheblack. http://www.fimfiction.net/user/MadMaxtheBlack
You've got a lot of the same errors as the previous chapter. There are a few groups that focus on providing proofreading and editing for authors. Just search for them in the groups tab.
You also have a problem with switching between third- and first-person perspective. While primarily in first-person, you also jump around to different people. That's extremely hard to pull off correctly, and I'm not too surprised that it's doing more harm than good right now. From now on, I'd recommend sticking with either just a single, first-person limited perspective (as in, we don't know about what's going on beyond what the character would know) or going with a first-person limited with some (read: rare) jumps to third-person omniscient when we need to know about what's going on. Those two options I find to be the best and easiest to use to tell a story.
first chapter: wow man this looks like it has potential. second chapter: guy goes full retard, loses a fight with a machete against a naked guy? well shit. seriously this guy has been surviving in the Everfree, was boasting about his intelligence and then immediately stumbles over his feet trying to take off a guys head and then chucks his one weapon at him. *sigh* Sorry I just thought we had someone competent for a protagonist and wouldn't get K.O'd in the first few chapters. Cuz seriously, unconsciousness is not a plot device. It's a concussion. Also max is kind of a scrub in a fight so this guy losing is just absolutely terrible.
You've got a lot of the same errors as the previous chapter. There are a few groups that focus on providing proofreading and editing for authors. Just search for them in the groups tab.
You also have a problem with switching between third- and first-person perspective. While primarily in first-person, you also jump around to different people. That's extremely hard to pull off correctly, and I'm not too surprised that it's doing more harm than good right now. From now on, I'd recommend sticking with either just a single, first-person limited perspective (as in, we don't know about what's going on beyond what the character would know) or going with a first-person limited with some (read: rare) jumps to third-person omniscient when we need to know about what's going on. Those two options I find to be the best and easiest to use to tell a story.
first chapter: wow man this looks like it has potential.
second chapter: guy goes full retard, loses a fight with a machete against a naked guy? well shit.
seriously this guy has been surviving in the Everfree, was boasting about his intelligence and then immediately stumbles over his feet trying to take off a guys head and then chucks his one weapon at him. *sigh* Sorry I just thought we had someone competent for a protagonist and wouldn't get K.O'd in the first few chapters. Cuz seriously, unconsciousness is not a plot device. It's a concussion.
Also max is kind of a scrub in a fight so this guy losing is just absolutely terrible.
4160747 i know, but like you said, usually.
4160199 who says it is a conclusion? all will be revealed in due time.
4160074 Thx for the tip.
Love the story although there is some issues with it.
4161436
I believe that one was directed towards fedora gamer.
Can't wait for the next chapter