Yukigo Kurosaki
Joined 3rd Feb, 2012 ·
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Don't have time to read this now but i will when I wake up. 7k+ for the first chapter? I have high hopes for this story.
EDIT
Ok I have now read it and I was correct. This is a fantastic chapter.
Well, that was very well done. Two things though, you used you're instead of your once, and you said soar instead of soared. Those are the only two things I noticed. I would give you the exact positions but my phone isnt that good. Also, that ending was brilliant! Tracking with high hopes.
I could give you suggestions, but I'm afraid I don't do word-by-word proof-reading as I kinda have my own writing to do.
If you'd like to hear my suggestions for this chapter, u can PM me 
Track'd and thumbed up. No errors that I could see though, so that was awesome. Although, I believe that whole "I love you" came up really fast, I know it is preference to the writer on how long it takes for that line to be shot out, but hot damn that was quick. What I am more interested in is the interactions Twilight and Celestia will have with the other Ponies, with Fluttershy and ditsy going at it. What will rainbow dash, Applejack, Rarity and Pinkie Pie do in the mean time? too me, that seems more interesting at the moment as you've essentially finished Fluttershy's and Ditsy's "courtship", unless you get some drama into it. Lets say some "odd" comment from a passer by that sends Fluttershy into a fit of rage and scares Ditsy away? Or what will Dinky do with Ditsy's new friend?
I really am looking forward to reading more.
"a bucking element of harmony"
BAD. ASS.
Intriguing! I shall await more with interest.
PS I do proof-read stories if you're interested, though I don't edit so much as check for errors and make some suggestions for changes.
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3602-1331542518384.png
Hmm the idea is interesting and overall pretty good, but could definitely use some proof reading. My biggest issue would be that you started with celestia and twilight and then trailed off to make it derpy and fluttershy entirely. I would have modified the beginning and make it flow into the rest of the story better or add sections of celestias doings throughout the story. Celestias characterization seemed a bit odd to me, although its a tough one to get right. You also had a few minor mistake such as mentioned above with "your" "you're" kind of stuff. also at "Fluttershy's eyes skipped a few beats, thumping widely" is "eyes" suppose to be "heart"? I liked your use of small bits of comedy throughout such as the "easy as pinkie pie" conversation or the "pirate derpy". I would be more than happy to be one of your proof readers seeing as you're a good writer already but have potential to be much better with some revising. Also it would be a good way for me to get involved in the fimfiction community before trying my hand at writing my own stories. Great work overall, thumb and a track.
Edit: Haha well i just skimmed your previous story. oh lawd... if you do want me to proofread anything just let me know how "cloppy" it gets before hand so im not in too much shock.
tracked as fuck
img.ponibooru.org/_images/6be453742ee60c76195112698965bc3c/134940%20-%20animated%20a_friend_in_deed%20friendgasm%20fuck_yes%20pinkie_pie.gif
Pretty much sums up my opinions on the story.
326175
Thank you! I hope you like sex though.
326254
I'll go through and look, to see where those errors are and fix them.
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Well considering that this is, at its heart, a clopfic (just a really, really long one with a backstory), I had to skip the slightest bit of development. I tried not to make it "I just met you, and I love you" like, at least. Future sequels, if any, may have the group's reactions to the relationship, but for now, the story is focused solely on Fluttershy and Derpy (Celestia was only a cameo).
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Well Derpy would want to brag a little... hehe
326341
It's okay, I got people that can help me now.
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I've got proofreading down I think, thanks for offering though!
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Yup, it's supposed to be heart, see, this is why I need a proofreader. I did the best I could with Celestia, I just tried to see how I think she would act. She seems like the kind who is very compassionate, but can be authoritative when she needs to. Also, this story will end up being cloppy, though I'm certainly not going to abandon the development between them. I expect it to be two chapters, three at the most. I didn't make it one only for the fact that it would end up being over 20000 words, at the pace I was writing! I asked for a proofreader not only for the fact that I need the little errors corrected, but also because I feel as though I'm not being creative enough. My dialogue has always been strong, I just suck with describing without repeating. A second and third pair of eyes would be welcome, and ALL suggestions are taken very seriously.
326516
That poor tracking.
326618
Well Pinkie Pie is certainly enjoying herself...
And a note to everypony... this IS clop, so if you want to just end on a good clean note, abandon ship here, and you will not be harmed. Everyone else, I hope you enjoy yourselves! If you wish to suggest ideas for the future, go right ahead! All suggestions will be taken seriously.
327164 Ewwwww Sex is icky and gross. You can get cooties! Seriously though I have enjoyed the story. And besides I had a feeling there would be sex in it with a Romance and Mature tag on it
"How do you like them muffins?"
img.ponibooru.org/_images/8e8b56f873526fdf52b3976ac029e139/47824%20-%20caption%20derpy_hooves%20i_see_what_u_did_there%20i_see_what_you_did_there%20macro%20reaction_face%20reaction_image.jpg
...perfect!
That was adorable!
I love this and I hope you update very soon! I saw that you used "fillies" instead of "mares" in the beginning and during Fluttershy's conversation with Celestia, Celestia arched a brow bemusedly. “Wait... do you like fillies, Fluttershy?” I would edit that as I would have gotten the wrong idea if it didn't show and mention Derpy in the description. Great love story and definitely something I will enjoy reading!
331752
I used fillies in the same sense that we use "girls". We're more likely to say we like girls than we are to say we like "women", it's synonymous to the use of fillies and mares. I don't know, what are some other people's thoughts on this?
331767 It's just, when I think of "fillies", I think of characters like the CMC or the other school children, how I've seen the different aged ponies named is like this: Fillies= young girl ponies, Colts= young boy ponies, Mares= Older female ponies, Stallions= Older Male Ponies
I eagerly await more chapters of this story. It's so adorable
I have a new favorite paring now.
images.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1926-104288_-_cute_derpy_hooves_Ditzy_Doo_fluttershy_tea_tea_time.jpg
I'm going to keep my eye
on this
This is good, but has the potential to break my heart... DONT YOU DO IT!
An excellent story!
It feels a bit awkward in places since neither has any experience, but it reads well and it well written.
On a side note: Dat clop!
most excellent 3 mig bacs to you.
that story was very sweet.
never really knew what to expect out of a fluttershy-derpy ship, it seemed sort of out o the blue. but now i have a pretty good idea on how i feel about it; it's just so buckin cute! i didn't really see it before but it really does sort of fit and a applaud you for seeing that potential. Either that or your just a very talented writer which is true either way. Both parts of the story were put together very well in my opinion. i loved the previous chapter because of the progression of the relationship and derpy's reaction to the letter. Getting a good feel for who each of the pair was defiantly helped chapter two shine more than it would have. i enjoyed this chapter as well because it shows how much fluttershy comes out of her shell for derpy, and i personally enjoyed the little awkward moments during the clop section, again, buckin cute. Not being a really big fan of clop myself, i still enjoyed this story quite a bit and was surprised to find that i didn't really mind the clop part all that much. Good story mate, gave a new appreciation to unexpected ships.
I love this story! Its so sweet and romantic.
Yeah Ditzy! Alright, you TELL her! Ditzy Doo, comeback queen! Show 'er who's the mare!!
One of the sweetest, most heart warming Derpy Hooves / Ditzy Doo fics I have ever read.
Liked and favorited. Good job, this was a well done story.
"How do you like them muffins?" best.response.ever
you just earned a favorite
Wait, I never commented on this?
Well better late than never, I love this fic, it's one of the cutest Derpy stories I have ever read.
The ending of the first chapter was bucking priceless. Faved a long time ago.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW!
You made me love this pairing evern more ^_^ It fits so very well. And I like your characterization of Derpy.
It´s so very cute X3
"How do you like them muffins?" Even if I didn't like this story, which I loved by the way, I would have favorited it anyway for that one line. Go Derpy!!!!!!
That story was so sweet I'm pretty sure it gave me diabetes.
this is a grate story and i am looking forward to more of your writings althoe there was a few misstakes such as gender mix ups but there were so few that i cant remeber where thay were.
Reading someone else's mail is capital offense. What kind of a world is this?
A pile of romance novels was kept
neatly in the corner
I don't mean to be a grammar Nazi, but that was should be were
Just trying to to help with the grammar
Adorble level INFINTE
“Shut up, you’re just jealous because I have somepony, instead of being married to my dead-end job at a post office. Maybe if you laid off the cupcakes, you’d have a more flattering figure.” THAT'S RIGHT BITCH COWORKER OF DERPY'S
“My date’s a bucking Element of Harmony. How do you like them muffins?
ha muffins
wingboner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zSHz7Thvbc
You'll certainly get an upvote from me, but since you wanted to get criticism, I'll give you criticism. Let's start, shall we?
Why Celestia? First question that came to my mind. She was there as a tool, to give Fluttershy the idea of writing a letter instead. That could've been Rainbow instead, or Twilight, or... Rarity. She could've even reached that conclusion to her problems herself. With the introduction of that little Celly-subplot, I sort of expected a conclusion to that one as well, even if it were only for one or two sentences at the end. Something along the line 'and a few weeks later, they met for a double-date'. Something. Anything, you know? But that whole subplot just went down the drain, never to be seen again. Sadly.
The next thing just rubbed me the wrong way: Pinkie. Especially those two instances she's mentioned. Let's start with the later one - why would Fluttershy fear Pinkie? Yeah yeah yeah, Flutters fears just about everything. But Pinkie is one of her dear friends. One of her best friends. Which brings me to the first instance where she appears: 4%. I still don't know what to think about that. How to feel about that. Was that meant to be funny? Some sort of quick, cheap little laugh at Pinkies expanse?
So she 'only' slept with 4% of the ponies she knows? Well, Pinkie knows an awful lot of ponies, so that's still quite a high number. To be honest - that just seems... wrong to me. Pinkie is the element of laughter. At times, she seems to be random or suspiciously convenient, but she's always pure-hearted. She's probably the most innocent of the whole bunch. Why? Think about it: Twilight studies. Everything that's happening under the sun. She probably never had sex, but Tartarus may freeze over if she doesn't know about it and it's mechanics. Plus: Brother and hot foalsitter. Curiosity, in the end, always spoils. Rarity - yeah... I don't have to say anything, do I? Rainbow Dash. She's awesome, 'cause she is. She's also rather confident or at least tries to convey this image. She probably knows some things about what the 'cool' colts and fillies are up to - and I don't think that's about snuggling and teasing. Applejack, well, she's got her family. She's down-to-earth, she knows how the world ticks, she's an earth pony - you bet she knows about sex, probably dismissing bees and birds as rather stupid nonsense and putting it in the open rather bluntly. And Fluttershy? She seems so cute and adorable and innocent, doesn't she? Well, she certainly is cute and adorable. But innocent? She's shy, okay. So she has no experience. But as you already portrayed: She probably cares. And reads a lot. And if she doesn't read about it, she's still an animal caretaker, isn't she? She lives with quite a big bunch of them. What do you think - if her animals get in the mood, they just politely ask if she could leave the room? The biggest point of contact Pinkie ever had with sexuality, though, would probably be the Cakes.
Portraying her as some kind of floozy just seems horribly wrong.
So. Enough rambling about Pinkie. While I read the clop-part and thought it was good, I was still surprised just how fast they plunged themselves into this relationship. I expected some sort of 'and months after they got together...', but no, they're getting down to it right away. Wow.
Next thing would be Fluttershy's letter. My issue with that one is... obvious, I thought. Read it again and then tell me why Derpy never asked herself: How the heck did she know about Dinkies origin? Because Celestia told her about it. The oh so great ruler of Equestria betrayed the trust of one of her subjects by sharing most sensitive information about an awful crime and it's victim. Welp... way to go, Celly! But then again, Derpy didn't seem to mind, did she now? Although Tia said she would rather keep that a secret as long as possible. Hm...
While the clop-scene - and certain fluids - were running about, Fluttershy mentioned that she never felt comfortable giving herself pleasure while being surrounded by animals. They just... went away when she and Derpy were about to get things started? Or did Angel sat down with some popcorn and watched the show for free? Come to think of it, that would fit Angels rather semi-diabolical nature, wouldn't it?
Talking about abuse and rape is always... a risky thing to do. There's an awful lot you can do wrong and hurt people reading about it. While I'm not concerned directly myself, I still feel strongly about those topics and here it just seemed so... pointless. Why couldn't her dream-stallion just be a dick and after knowing she got pregnant run and left forever? Why did it had to be rape?
Derpy bragging about how her date was an Element of Harmony was... something that caught me off-guard, too. Never thought of her as attention-seeking as that. Doesn't seem to fit her personality, too.
And last point of my wall of nitpicking - that line: "at least the first that really meant anything to her". It isn't even a complete line, just a tiny part of a sentence, actually. You state there that this is Fluttershys first relationship - or at least the first that really meant anything to her. So... there were others? But they were meaningless? Can't really imagine Fluttershy being part of a meaningless relationship...
Wow. That... was waaay more than I expected to write. Sorry 'bout that. Buuut, you wanted nitpicks and issues vocalized - here you go.
Are we not going to talk about Pinkie having been with 4% of the ponies she knows? I mean jeez, that's a LOT of ponies.
Derpy bucked a muffin.
And I really do not like one off stories! Please make a sequel or something? It was adorable and there's so many unanswered questions. Why did you decide to leave some loose ends? Especially with Celestia and Twilight! And the post office too-
That's such an open ending and I read many stories where it expects me to imagine the main characters living their lives after the story ends!
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edit, you do you! I've grown up lmao