Xaigatomon
Joined 29th Aug, 2013 ·
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I don't normaly like the mind control thing but you did really good on this you have earned a fav from me
3727502
Hehe glad you liked it! ^-^
3727714
if you could point out any mistakes you saw i'd be happy to make corrections
Sequel?
hmm... very cute n' innocent even with t hypnosis; all together not a bad twishy
. maybe i'll keep a eye out for ya n' try ur next work out whenever it arrives 
I like most of it... but I really wish that you wouldn't put the chat-icons in the story.
haha i see the icons now!
You cannot read this - or at least i couldn't - without throwing logic out the door into an alley way only for it to get raped.
Other than that i enjoyed your story it did have a couple or more grammar mistakes and next time avoid using the chat-icons like 0///0 in there.
Typos, poor punctuation, severe LUS, bland description, and a bad case of IKEA erotica.
Didn't enjoy it in the least.
3728878
There might be :3
i had some vague ideas and i kindof always wanted to make one while i was writing this.
3728894
Haha, I hope so~ there will be both clop and SFW varients X3
3728930
Huh? chat icons in the story? I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean. maybe there was a problem with me pasting the text in? I didn't see anything when I glanced over
3731501
Ah, are those appearing as smileys? I often tend to use emoticons in some of my more casual stories to enphasise expressions in a lighthearted manner, only when appropriate. it can sometimes do what words cannot.
they don't appear as smileys for me though.
3732326
It's just something I've seen in stories a fair amount. perhaps I used to much discretion.
i thought i fixed that pesky 2. and don't know how i missed that "your". thank you so much for these small corrections. i'll take a note of all of them and fix them sometime really soon. (and the colour marking is helpful)
Ah i was a slight bit shaky on my understanding of that particular symbol's proper function. it's not too far off of how i use it except that i tend to overuse it as a way of showing a cheerful, chipper tone of voice. (also, i could not help reading that "Darling~." in rarity's voice :3)
Also, what can you point out specifically about the spacing?
I should have elaborated that more clearly. her irises are still present, but blank and void of the usual colour and shine (hence what i mean by 'blank'), the spirals are outside of her irises.
thank you for the punctuation corrections, i'll take them in mind for similar sentences too.
The more vulgar words tend to go later in a story if and when it starts getting really hot :3
I tend to write it so it won't immediately put anyone off who isn't "feeling it", getting them into it slowly and then using more sensual words when the situation becomes appropriate for it.
By shot forward i mean her vision again centred to infront of her, rather than her head literally moved forward. again, i should elaborate more clearly.
and in this i made it out that she definitely isn't used to this sort of thing nor was she expecting it to happen so, when she realised what was about to go down it might be a little... shocking, perhaps even making her a little scared.
i just figured that would be an appropriate expression.
Yeah there may have been a tad too much there. i try to add detail where detail is due but i did feel that paragraph wasn't worded very neatly. some parts of it are more important than others, like how it is connected to her private end.
Don't worry, I see them. I'll be writing things either on here or sta.sh writer from now on. mostly here. this story however was written prior to putting it on here and since i don't have MS word, i have sub-par word processing programs and the spell-checker doesn't work very well. i had to move fro Microsoft works to "libreOffice Writer" recently because Works for some reason started to continuously scroll up periodically, making it impossible to use. LibreOffice Writer seems to not have a very good spellcheck. today it didn't recognise "Vicker" and yesterday it didn't recognise "Tuxedo". so yes writing online will be helpful.do you know if this site auto-saves drafts?
anyway my biggest weakness is my habit to type the pronoun I as i, uncapitalized. I have to either fix every instance by hand or "find&replace" them. but apparently with LibreOffice it didn't pick up the "i parts. even though i tried setting it to replace "i with "I, I think it had some problems and wasn't working -_-
Fluttershy speaks first as indicated by it immediately referencing her. i have actually seen points in stories where one character speaks and then it immediately references a seperate character before going back to the original character speaking. i try to avoid that kind of confusion xD
I would move the part with twilight to the line below it, but that's fluttershy speaking again, which is why i had it separated. i believe that since i just referenced twilight i should follow the rule of "new line for new character speaking"? was i wrong in doing that?
No problem, i took no offence, i am happy to have errors pointed out so i can fix them. as i mentioned in the segment on my account page, i have only recently considered myself good enough to actually consider myself a fledgling writer, but although actually reading stories is helpful, i do need to have mistakes pointed out so i can learn from them.
i had a friend of mine proof read it but i don't consider the job completely done because he has mild dyslexia xD
(And also english isn't his first language but that barely shows)
I did however briefly proof read it but i obviously missed some things and a lot of the grammatical errors were simply knowledge i didn't have until now, so thanks for correcting me.
3734795
Well sequel or not I'm looking forward to any new storys you come up with
3734795
I was referring to the 0///0 stuff - not really smileys or icons, but damned if I know what else to call them.
They took the story from "pretty good" to "ah fuckin' Hell, why did he do this?!?" in a flash, for me. Maybe it's a pet peeve, but stuff like that does not belong in prose unless you're citing a chat.
Acceptable:
Acceptable:
Unacceptable:
Cheese! Cheese for everypony xD
It was really sweet
a bit rapey, but sweet.
3737422
It was initially going to be a pretty creepy theme but i somehow made it sweet anyway xD cus i decided i'd much rather write something adorable and romantic
3737756
That's actually why I submitted it to the "eventual consensual rape" group. ^^() The mind control makes it rapey, but Twi's okay with it in the end, so.....
3735065
Glad to hear it!
3737789
Is that so? well i won't argue with that, it sounds pretty accurate.
i'm just naturally into hypnosis, always have been, never once considered the relations to rape xD
Mostly because way before the idea of a character using hypnosis for sexual purposes i was always into snake vore stuff so, of course not rape there (though worse XD)
i do hope people don't read it and think that i've done anything cruel :/
3738148
Oh, it's okay - I like the hypno idea too, to some degree. I just slate it as "rape" unless the hypnotist has discussed things with the hypnotee prior to putting them into trance. The whole "won't do anything they don't really want to do" line is too fuzzy for use as a defense.
Rainbow Dash Discovers Erotic Mind Control is an excellent exploration of the line between the two, with Twi straying dangerously close... but does she go over it?
Have to read to find out!
3734795
oh yah, is it this suppose sequel u might do or nother lil project?
3738604
Probably something similar to this at some point. definately wanna use the crown again, but maybe have more fun with it~ >:3
and probably more of twilight's spell hehe. i may even include ocs haha.
and of course then there's the big one
3743261
. so how is t "big one" or whatever goin for ya? 
That's cool
3750649
Going well, i just need to continue it at the mo. been on 3 chapters for a while now. I'm also trying to come up with a name for it with some friends
3750678
cool, i'll probally giv it a read when u find a name n' get it posted but, not promises thou
I really enjoyed this story
5323986
Haha great to know! I'm glad
5563880 you're very welcome, keep up the good work
Oh my god, people linked me to this because they thought my latest story was similar to it, and they're right! It even starts off with them drinking tea at Fluttershy's! XD
+1 for gentle dominants. ^_^
Normally I'm not one for mind control or other consent-altering/denying shenanigans, but I really like how this was handled. Gold star!
Wasn't bad, but emoticons have no place in a story, ruined to me what could've been a pretty good fic.
6253671 eh, noted. I didn't remember leaving that in there anyway. would have thought my proof reader would have mentioned it to me, hmm...
5778349 Haha that's cool, I will definitely give that a read lol
/)*(\
6232959 Hehe, thanks. I'm glad you liked it!
I do try to use hypnotism and stuff in a... kind way, even in the worst situations.