This is my first attempt at writing anything longer then 5 paragraphs. I'd appreciate it if you could point out any problems I made in writing it or any ideas for the story. Please, don't be rude about it and say that it is terrible, just say what I need to fix, thanks. Thanks to Time Centurion for helping me out with the corrections and stuffs. Check out some of his stories :D http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Time+Centurion
This is about a pony, nicknamed teal, who comes to Ponyville a few months after his nineteenth birthday, hoping to make some new friends and explore the new town. I'm pretty much making the story up as I go, if people actually enjoy the story I'll plan a bit more. By making it up as I go, I just mean I don't have a rough draft, I write it and fix the errors as I go. Planning would just make it a bit longer. I will now think through most of where the chapters will go. Not going to think out every word, nor will I stay with what I said. I'll still be making it up as go for some of it, 'cause I write best like that, but I will think about what its going to end at. I'll also try to write the chapters with 1,000 words +, but that might take a bit longer :3, But I got all the time I need. I hope you will enjoy and I may change the title and/or chapter titles. No cover art as of yet. Pm me if you find something good :D
One last thing, right now it is rated teen because it will a little bit more dark in the future chapters, may even turn mature. Just some gore The ponies are human with the wings and horns and still all in Ponyville, just the appearance has changed. Also cutie marks are noticeable, either on pants or some other piece of clothing, and everyone knows what it is. Tags will change later on, when I get the darker chapters it will be added in the tags. :3
I'm currently working on a better story, as a collab with Time Centurion. I'll finish the dark part two tomorrow, and I won't be able to write a good ending. Its boring anyways. Use the elements to go inside his head and get rid of his madness. Wouldn't be two parts. If the 4 people reading this story actually want me to write it, comment it and I will. If not, I'll finish the dark and that'll be the only ending. That's the real ending regardless though.
That's what I do.
I advise against this writing strategy. Most good stories are thought out in advance.
It's been done. Hundreds of times. You should find a way to set your fic apart.
The title isn't very descriptive. I understand that you don't currently have a plot in mind, but this title needs improvement.
By itself, this tag doesn't tell readers what your story is about. Consider adding the Slice of Life tag.
Capitalize names. Also, consider making this your OC's actual first name. He'll fit in with canon ponies like Rainbow (Dash) and Silver (Spoon).
3600536 Thanks for the advice, Ill add that tag, I guess I should try to think more about it, so ill give it some more thought. I'm terrible at making names or titles, and the reason that isn't his real name is because of reasons that will be added to the story later in it, (He aint even teal)saying it would ruin the entire story, but I will come up with a name like ya said. Just go to think for a few hours and eventually ill come up with a somewhat decent name, if you get any ideas I'd appreciate it, and I also appreciate your advice for the story. I got the entire month off so it'd be cool if you could check on it like every few days if ya get the chance :D Thanks again.
Just now realized how many new pony in town things there are, I'll try to make it memorable....
Hmm...
I've not read many of these types of stories, though I've heard that they're abundant, but I still find this quite interesting.
As all stories have, though, I found a few errors.
I'm not sure if that counts as an error, but I feel it would look better like this;
"Its chocolate rain. Who doesn't want that?!"
Things like this occurred a few more times throughout the chapters.
There were also a few tense jumps, from past to present. That can really throw a reader off.
Also, the speed of the story jumps around, and it can be very fast paced at times. Try slowing down a little, describing things a bit more.
Readers love to know every little detail, no matter how pointless. Trust me. They wanna know what color bed sheets the main character has.
I would recommend a quick proofread to check for little errors, like misplaced commas, missing spaces, and very few misspelled words.
The storyline is quite promising, on the other hand. I'd like to see where this goes.
You've got my interests.
3604838 Thanks for the advice, I'll add more details. I agree with the chocolate rain thing, I just didn't now what to put at the time, I'll do the font thing :3 . I feel accomplished that people actually like it. Its going to have a good plot twist in my opinion. Aint going to be that the pony gets there, meets someone, becomes friends then date and happily ever after. :3 I'll try to do a chapter or two a day depending if I got to do something or no :D
3604838 Also, Would you mind pointing out one of the jumps? I'm not trying to say that you are wrong, just don't know what you mean. The thinking then something happens?
3605145
When you're telling the story in the present tense, and suddenly jump to past, or vice versa.
An example:
See, the first bold word is in the past tense, but the remaining bold words are in the present tense. That really threw me off when I first read the story.
It's like it's jumping from the main character remembering his experiences, to him living them at that moment in real time.
3608793 I forget what I'm righting somethings, I probably took a break :3 I'll try to watch out for em.
One emote:
and another: 