The Chapter for Reading
Tom the Rock is a rock. A rather large rock. Rocks are inanimate objects with no ability to feel, think or do. So, Tom just sat there, being a rock. Still. Stationary. Motionless. Unmoving. Solid as a rock. It was a boring lifestyle choice, but being a rock, Tom hadn’t actually chosen it. To him, it wasn’t boring, because it was nothing. Tom the Rock is still a rock.
Rarity is a Unicorn. She likes fashion. Self-employed as a dressmaker, Rarity would have nothing to do with Tom. She once thought Tom the Rock was actually Tom the Diamond. Rarity had still not forgiven Tom for lying to her. The foolery had embarrassed her. Even after all that, Rarity still looked out at Tom when nopony else was looking. Like now; Rarity stared hard at Tom the Rock.
Tom the Rock is a rock. He cared not for the stares, as he could not see them, or feel them on the back of his neck. Rocks don’t have necks; they’re rocks. As a rock, Tom did not know how to care. He did not know how to know. Rocks don’t know things; they’re rocks. Tom had never lied to Rarity. Tom the Rock is not a diamond.
Rarity is a Unicorn. She can use magic. Her magic helped with making dresses. There were no outstanding orders. Rarity could make whatever she wanted. She looked back out at Tom the Rock. He looked wrong. Rarity didn’t like that. So she began to make a dress. A dress for Tom the Rock. It would be a beautiful dress. It would shine. It would shimmer. It would rock; hard.
Tom the Rock is a rock. It has been established that rocks don’t know anything. They don’t feel anything. They cannot like or dislike anything. Tom would not complain about the dress. Tom would not compliment the dress. Tom would not ignore the dress. Tom would not notice the dress. Dresses are not worn by rocks, and Tom is a rock. Tom the Rock is not a dress wearer.
Rarity is a Unicorn. Her horn lit up with magic. The light of the magic helped Rarity find her way through the dark. The new dress for Tom the Rock also glowed with magic. Rarity was levitating it. Rarity stood in front/beside Tom, and lifted the dress over him. She pulled it down. It fit snugly. Rarity admired her work in the moonlight. The clouds made it hard.
Tom the Rock is a rock. His reaction was perfectly stoic. Yet he was also frozen in awe. The dress made him speechless. Tom could not voice his sheer disappointment. The criticising words Tom want to say escaped him. Tom remained silent. Rocks cannot talk; they have no mouths. Rocks cannot display emotion; they have no faces or limbs. Tom blushed. Tom the Rock is not a normal rock.
Rarity is a Unicorn. Unicorns are smart, like most other ponies. All ponies were taught that rocks were just rocks. Not sentient. Never alive. Rocks should not be able to blush. Rarity gaped at Tom the Rock. The blush faded. Perhaps Rarity had imagined it. Maybe she was so proud of her own work that she imagined Tom blushing. She had not. It was just too hard to believe.
Tom the Rock is a rock. A rock that blushed. He did indeed appreciate the dress. He had felt naked. It was hard to pretend to be a normal rock when everypony could see his little rocks. Tom had felt ashamed. Public indecency was a crime. Tom was expecting the royal guard to arrest him soon. Tom wasn’t ready for prison. Tom the Rock is not a prison rock.
Rarity is a Unicorn. She could sense no magic trickery. Tom the Rock had just shivered in front of her, as if afraid of something; or cold. Since Tom was a rock, Rarity would never know which. She decided to act on the idea of Tom being cold. Rarity galloped back to her boutique and quickly made Tom a coat. It wasn’t hard to match it with the dress.
Tom the Rock is a rock. A rock that now wore a coat over his lovely dress. Tom was confident about his sexuality, so the dress and feminine coat did not bother him. The coat was warming. The additional love and care put into it made a rock feel comfortable. Tom glowed with joy and happiness. Things were now better. Tom the Rock is not cold and alone anymore.
Rarity is a Unicorn. She tried to communicate with Tom the Rock. She knew she would get no reply. Rarity did not need one. Tom would simply listen. Rarity had now forgiven him. He was not responsible for the Diamond Incident. It had been Discord, using Tom against his will. It was a pity Discord was reformed. Rarity would have made Discord suffer hard for his actions against Tom.
Tom the Rock is a rock. He felt guilty. Rarity was a nice mare. She was getting too attached. Tom was dating a cliff face near Appeloosa. Her name was Tiffany. Tiff the Cliff. His old friend Bloomberg had hooked them up when Bloom had moved there for the Apple family. Tom had no way of telling Rarity about Tiff. Tom the Rock is not a cheating scumbag rock.
Spike is a dragon. He liked Rarity a lot. He had coincidentally been unable to sleep that night. He had felt a disturbance in the force. He was now watching Rarity speak sweet nothings to Tom the Rock. Spike was most displeased. He waited them out, until Rarity returned to her boutique to sleep. Spike ran up to Tom and spat the most hateful words. Then he pushed hard.
Tom the Rock is a rock. Rocks are heavy. If pushed down hills, they will roll fast and far. Tom did just that. He rolled through into the dawning day. Eventually, Tom bumped into Tiff the Cliff. They hadn’t met in the stone flesh until now. It was a happy surprise for both Tom and Tiff. Spike was best man at the wedding. Tom the Rock is not ungrateful.
This story was short, as were the sentences. The end was happy. Rarity did not take long to get over her loss, and Spike went back to his pining. The wedding was magnificent, and Bloomberg got off with the bridesmaids. Yes, all three of them. Oh, and have you noticed yet? The little thing about all these paragraphs? The word total for each is that funny number: Sixty Nine.
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This is the best fanfiction on this site. I'm not even joking.
3487070 why thank you
my sides are moving on their own
This is simply the greatest piece of writing i have ever laid eyes upon. I salute you good sir.
...really? this is the best fic they've ever read!?
Well, that was...interesting. I lol'd.
This is a comment. A sixty nine implies that dirty thing the princesses were doing. The thing in that picture book Twilight was reading. A sixty nine requires a spinal column. Tom does not have a spine. Tom is a rock. Tiff the Cliff does not have a spine either. They cannot have a sixty nine. Spike and Rarity are vertebrates with faces. They can enjoy and sixty nine.
Okay, this is very well done. The figures of style are mastered and you obtain the effect you were probably aiming for.
Now I do admit that those:
did not really correspond to my tastes, but it is, after all, only a matter of taste.
It was fun to read (really fun actually
), but kind of lacked a moral or a stake of some kind. Still, even a simple story like the one told there is hard to put in the format you decided to follow and that I must salute.
So, like I said, very well done.
fun fact:
Beside the fact I'm not really into that kind of humor (but I do understand why it's funny and have nothing against it objectively), I have to admit I was not sure to like those two sentences at first. I thought "well, isn't the writer kind of telling me how awesome he is, which is totally lacking in humility?".
. Had you not made me notice it, I wouldn't have had on my own.
But I realized I was just jealous
3487822 thank you very much. The first paragraph was 69 by accident and I went from there really. as you said, most would not have noticed
3487747 oooo, well done sir.
3487644>>3487413>>3487313>>3487070 You four made my day, thank you
3487631 you heard the people. And you wanted me to write something else
I can't finish this, it's so silly. Sorry, but I did enjoy it while I was reading it. Something I've always wondered, Rarity makes beautiful dresses, so does she also make swaggalicious tuxedos?
3487834
:)
You wrote a fanfiction. I usually read fanfictions very quickly. I sometimes skip words. I sometimes skip paragraphs. This fanfiction has something magic in it. I did not skip a single word. I've read every word of every paragraph of this fanfiction. It describes simple things with emotion. It deserves so much to be featured. It makes me try very hard to make my word count reach sixty nine.
(I was going to make a normal comment at first but doing this was so tempting, I just couldn't resist
)
3488027 so, can't finish it because distracted laughing?
3488392 I'm glad I had that effect on you
3487070>>3487313>>3487413>>3487631>>3487644>>3487747>>3487822>>3488027>>3488392
Would you guys like an audio reading? currently on phone in Ireland, but i get back on Tuesday. Course, if you beat me to it, I'll give you a mention
3488886 It'd be nice.
3488886
Plus I still have to make that music for the zombie party dance in MythrilMoth's Let's be evil, and a ton of other things to do. #ilike2complain
I never listen to audio readings so my opinion sure doesn't matter much, but I guess it'd be stupid to refuse such a proposition. Please go on
And I'm not doing it, my voice is terribad
3488027 yes. thought of a sequel?
3488392 how would i go about applying for feature? lord knows it's difficult. perhaps more publicising?
That was beautiful...
3515018 ~holds out handkerchief~ there there
3546267 definitely light hearted though, right? at least in comparison?
3546287 Indeed.
Pure genius, my friend.
WAIT
YOU DIDNT PUT HARD INTO EVERY LAST SENTENCE OF EVERY PARAGRAPH NOT STARTING WITH TOM THE ROCK
The last paragraph does not have it.
3801349 fair enough, you clearly have a different sense of humour to myself. I shall point out that Tom the Rock was outside, where Rarity had ditched him after the events of Discord. And that the fic is meant to be kind of nonsensical.
3801362 that is because reasons were given, dear friend
well that was... interesting... have a 'stache
It's so beautiful.