When a stallion wishes for his eyesight through a wishing well, his worst nightmare comes true.
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- Member Since 27th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2018
The Lunar Samurai
If you are enjoying my stories, I thank you. Nothing means quite as much to me as someone really appreciating what I put out into the world. So, from the bottom of my heart... Thank You.
The Lunar Samurai
Joined 27th Oct, 2012 ·
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It's too short to be considered good, level alone worth reading.
Good story.
Reminds me of an old Night Gallery episode. "Eyes" is the name of the episode where a wealthy blind woman payed a man an exorbitant amount of money to buy his eyes. Doctors had told her that she would only gain vision for a short period of time (a matter of hours if I remember correctly). After having the operation done she returned home to remove the bandages. It just so happened that the night she did that was also the night of a massive black out leaving the entire city dark. After spending a majority of her allotted vision time in the dark, she felt cheated. At the end of the show you see the sun peaking over the horizon. The wealthy woman was so excited about seeing colors and the city that she became disoriented and crashed through the window of her high rise apartment. That is where the show ends leading you to believe that the lady had died on the concrete below.
The pilot episode is the best by far. It has three stories in it, The Cemetery, Eyes, and Escape Route are all apart of the pilot episode. The Cemetery is probably the best skit that Rod Serling ever did (in my opinion).
Looks like it is on YouTube. It is a good watch, especially this close to Halloween.
3419090
It's meant to be sad... That's why there is Tragedy and Dark tags on it.
3419186
You're not even using correct grammar, and you're complaining about a short story?? It's meant to be short, and to me it's worth reading.
This is interesting. I have to admit I'm not sure the story gave me what I expected, but it wasn't bad either.
This is something I like. Even if ponies are very unlikely to ignore someone who needs help, the concept is interesting. So why not?
This is too much manipulation for me (as a reader). By which I mean you are trying too hard (for my taste) to make the story sad. I can't see why the mare (I guess it's a mare) is suddenly crying when everypony else seems so cold. Her reaction also doesn't match my personal reaction from the short answer (it was touching, but not enough to cry).
So there, I felt like you wanted me to feel sad more than I actually felt sad.
Then I have two major problems with the story:
1) the mare seems pretty special in that she almost reminded me of Pinkie Pie (wishing well - what well - the one that grants wishes - oh that well! => this is her kind of logic, because it's illogical in a childish way), was the only one to pity the blind one (when all the others seemed very cold to it) and is in some way the reason the story starts.
But then, the mare does nothing. She has brought him to the well, but she then becomes very passive and we do not hear about her anymore. This is probably coherent with the meaning of the story, but it was kind of bothering, as if she was nothing more than an excuse to go to the well more as a real character. (the blind pony could have gone to the well on his own, following the voice of other ponies talking about going there or something like that and it would have made no difference at all).
2) the fall of the stallion is kind of weird. Not only have I to accept the idea that he is panicking or something, losing balance in the process (four hooves tend to make them pretty stabil from all I know from physic), but I also have to accept that the wall of the well cannot support his weight (if there was only that, I could do it) and that the mare didn't try to stop him.
Also, on a very narrative point of view, it really feels like the narrator is just saying : "he has to fall now, because otherwise there won't be a story". I really didn't feel it was normal for him to fall at this point. It was more than an accident, it felt like deus ex machina.
...
Still, the concept of getting a wish granted but losing everything else in the process is good. Exodus spoke about a similar story, I personnally make the connection with Madoka Magica where you give your life for one wish.
Also, you made a good foreshadowing for the ending:
However, I do not really understand those last words:
He was afraid to die? I know we all are, but the text never says it. His problem was more that he couldn't speak with anybody. So I have some difficulty to make a connection with those last words.
In fact, I wouldn't think dying is the greatest fear of a blind man (well, it is as for any living being...). I would think his greatest fear would be to lose all hope to ever be able to see again... What I mean is not being able to see and being, at the same time, socially isolated seems like the worst fate I can imagine. So dying doesn't look that much of a problem in comparison...
The name of the stallion makes sense, but is never used. He never "listens" in the story. So he could have been named Mike without it making any difference. Not saying he shouldn't have been named Listener, but that I feel it's weird you point out that much the fact that, being blind, he had to rely on listening and never actually used it in the story.
And you really pointed out that fact:
Finally, the introduction was very good. The repetition of the begging of the blind pony creates a really good impression of melancholy and sadness (and this one doesn't seem forced because it's quite subbtle).
Also, the fact you wrote less words at each repetition shows the desperation of the begging and makes it more oppressing for the reader, which is also very good.
Very good style, but I didn't really like the story...
3419680
Oh, I am deeply sorry, but I seem to fail at spotting grammar mistakes in my comment.
As for that comment of yours, there are two question marks consicutively and an extra comma.
As my comment stated, this is an idea you could have made several chapters of. Maybe even well over 10,000 words. I understand how hard it is to write a story that is equally good and long, but right now I don't even know if the author tried to make this any more than 1,066 words.
3419793
That's the point, my friend. But I believe that 'level' should have been 'let,' and besides, this story was written how it was. There's no changing it ourselves, so don't complain. Take what you can get, and enjoy it.
Dat diabolus ex machina.
Other than that, pretty good story.
3419675 Doesn't make it any less sad
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/051/5/0/cry_liquid_pride_by_potatoevomit-d5vorzg.jpg
3419927
I was just like, "Should I have him claustrophobically drown."
and my friend was all like, "Yes."
3419843
3419186
3419793
It's not like I turn a blind eye to comments either. I do agree, it was rather short, that is to be expected from 2 hours of total work time. I was up against the grill with this one, and not much else was coming to me at the moment. Thank you all for voicing your opinions, they have not fallen on deaf ears. Circumstances permitted almost no freedom for length. This will not be how I write stories after this competition is over.
3420171
Okay, so you simply can't make longer stories, point taken.
3420285
That is not what I was trying to convey. At that juncture I was unable to write a longer story. My apologies at not making that clear. If you would like to read a longer story of mine I can direct you to a novella entitled The Messenger. It was my first fanfiction endeavor and has the length you seem to desire.
3420171
Ok,then...
3420171
Oneshot-tober is crimping your style man. :p
Here is a question for you. Why did he wait so long to go to the wishing well? It seems like the pony who took him there was almost bored at the idea of a wishing well.
Striking story. I thought there was gonna be tension, i read the last line, not knowing that it is the last. I quickly rolled down my mouse wheel, only to find my heart skipping a beat. You sir know how to tell a story, and leave deep emotion with it. Superb. A masterpiece. A short story not only worth reading, but also sharing. This is just. I am at a loss of words.
3421571
And I am as well. That message means more to me than you can know. Thank you for your kind words.
3421573
We did a novel a few years back, in school. Short novel, even, only a part of it. It was written by a French writer who wrote about two French fishermen escaping Paris besieged by the Prussians, so that they could fish. They get caught by squad of Prussian soldiers and executed. It is done to such detail, that, it tells everything that needs to be told, in less than 30 pages. This story reminded me of it. Once again, sir, amazing.