Rainbow Dash Bakes a Cupcake and Nothing Terrible Happens

by FireEsper

Where Nothing Terrible Happens

It was a quiet, serene day in Ponyville, only occasionally punctuated by booming explosions and thunderous guffaw. Warm summer wind breezed through the empty streets of the pony village, carrying in carefree songs of the migrating birds.

Lazy licks of flame danced in the glass windows of Sugarcube corner. The Ponyville's #1 sweets shop was a little more... Destroyed today than usual. Even more oddly, the usual racket and cheering laughter coming from inside of it were no more - but in their place, one loud explosion after another raced to fill the spot.

"No, please! Heavens no, don't!"

Oh, and occasional screams of some poor pony.

"Oh, um- If you don't- Aaaaah! I mean, that would be very nice of you, if, if..."

A violent flash of light emanated from the shop's bakery - another deafening explosion shook the ground - followed by all of its walls exploding outwards into the terrified village in a shower of wooden planks and overcooked muffins.

A sound of maniacal laughter slowly rose in the air from under the dust and rubble.

Deep within the torn walls and scattered furniture of what used to be Sugarcube Corner, from under a blinding wall of settling flour and sugar powder, rose a single dark figure, its mouth flapping open in a what it probably sincerely imagined to be diabolic laughter.

"They told me I can't do it!" shrieked the figure in a boyish voice.

"You can't, darling!" stuck in a well-posed interruption. "Oh - no, no, no. You positi-"

"Shut up!" Rainbow Dash sneezed, clearing the cloud of flour around her. "Ahahaha-ach-GAH!"

Rainbow's attempt to resume her tomboyish laughter wasn't too successful.

Rarity - who could now easily be mistaken for a ghost for all the flour and spice that landed on her already powder-white coat - glared at the dough-splattered pegasus with all the expression of a bored Cheshire cat.

"Behold!" continued Rainbow Dash. "Most awesomest! Bestest flier! No, no, no need to applaud just yet!.. And now - THE - bestest ever cook in all of Equestria!"

Whitie Pie mumbled something from underneath her flour-covered mane.

"Beh-" Rainbow Dash slipped on the floor's surface. Still she continued from down below, painfully rubbing her sides. "Behold!"

Rainbow Dash took a deep breath and inhaled a good amount of sugar powder, making her break into a delicate mix of snore and a sneeze.

"This is probably the worst cooking I have ever seen in my entire life," categorically announced Twilight Sparkle from inside of one of the few surviving cupboards. "And I haven't even seen that much of it, to be honest."

The cupboard paused, mockingly flapping its doors at Rainbow Dash's attempts to stand up on the slippery floor.

"I'll have to check to be certain, but I think it may, in fact, be the worst meal anyone has ever made!" the cupboard angrily shut its door. "In fact, I don't know if I want a taste, or if it wants a taste of me-"

"Coward!" Rainbow Dash regained her composure, but not her ability to stand up.

"Fillies! Gentle-ah, whatever, behold!" Rainbow Dash threw one dough-splattered hoof in the air. "Cupcakes! Rainbow special recipe!"

A thundering roar rocked the ruins of the bakery. The sharp-toothed cupcake bent down in its giant frame and pointed all its twelve eyes right at widely smiling Rainbow Dash.

"Cupcakes!" squealed Rainbow Dash with childish glee.

...

It was a quiet, serene day in Canterlot's royal dungeon.

Unlike any other day, the chamber was quite crowded that day. It was occupied by five frowning, scowling ponies and one cheerily humming pegasus.

"So," started Pinkie Pie, in an unusually threatening tone. "Dashy? Tell us. What did you do."

Rainbow Dash clicked her hooves together, a wide grin spreading on her face, illuminated by the scarce light of the dungeon.

"Simple!" she said. "Just a little imagination!"

"You, why you- ya'll," screeched Applejack. "You didn' follow th' recipe, did ya!"

"I... Well," shrugged Rainbow Dash. "I may have taken a few liberties. That, my little ponies! - Is what makes an, an - artist!"

"What did you do," asked Pinkie Pie in a voice of a cat being sat on.

"Well, well..." Rainbow Dash made a circling motion in the air with her hoof, clearly unwilling to share her professional secrets.

"Well... I guess I used 20% more flour."

Comments

[Rezo]

Short and hilarious. I likes. Although I've no idea what "A thundering roar rocked the ruins of the bakery. The sharp-toothed cupcake bent down in its giant frame and pointed all its twelve eyes right at widely smiling Rainbow Dash." implies.

Misleading title, Still love it

but.. i don't like cupkakes.

you sure about that, dashie?

HAHAHAHA!!

[Foasedf]

What is this? I don't even...

[Super_Big_Mac]

Wa... wazza..? What?!?
Brain... refusing to function...
Oh, Sweet Cellestia stroking Luna's Mane! What did you do, Dashy?!
Taste my Rainbow - cupcakes!

[Zooty]

Dash knew better than to follow the cookbook, 'cause that's how they control you!

Probably better than my cooking.

I heard Dr. Weird from ATHF for every one of Rainbow's lines. Gentlemen!

Very misleading title, and yet somehow I believed it.

[Author Tempus]

18011
Now we must make laps across the border. Yes.

[Chip Unicorn]

The important question is...

Did cupcake-beast ever find love?

[AspergerGoodness]

Loved it. However, I think you should change the title of the story. It's very misleading.
I didn't actually laugh out loud, but the way you describe everything is just wonderful. Thanks for a nice cheer-up. 4 stars, for no exact reason.

[RainbowDash22222]

SOOO AWESUM

18011 YOU... BEST REFERRENCE EVER...

[NoponyNoir]

25657 no but giant wrecking ball of pain that tortures the dungeon prisoners sure did

[Belgian Waffle]

Well, there's the story of the century. Funny and short, love it!

[tongen]

[Ponaygurl]

percent more dash.

[Gabriel Smith]

Here, have an upvote. I'd fave as well if I could.

[The Iron Brony]

150051
no one will tell me how to fave? halp? and yes, I am sending this to random people in the hopes someone will respond

[UseFistNotMouth]

Heh. Absurdly hilarious. Could be a deleted scene from "The Worst Bakers in Equestria".

[Fox]

I just don't know what went wrong!

[NuclearRainboom]

Cool story bro.

[Red Glare]

"I don't know if I want a taste, or if it wants a taste of me-"
"COWARD!"
I lol'd hardest at that part.
The muffin beast comes to kill us all! Repent! Repent!

[Silver Centurion]

[Red Rune]

Dashie, Dashie, Dashie, what have you done. PRINCESS! HELP!

[The Lich King]

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0d2c07iRw1qcqm5r.jpg

[High Moon]

fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2011/234/9/3/i__m_a_filly_and_what_is_this_by_lootascoo-d47j5mp.png

[YukoAsho]

RD isn't being completely honest. Flour doesn't have teeth or eyes.

Looks like she got in the SPECIAL cupboard.

[Wolffress]

WUT

[Perry Pinkie Potter]

Oh my gosh. That was the most hilarious thing I've ever read in my life! Lol!

[PresentPerfect]

>tfw reading this on its fifth anniversary

[Angel Woodsworth]

That's pretty funny. :-)

[TheOneAJ]