The True Actual Story of How Things Were Back Then
Did you know that Luna was a filly diddler?
I think back then it was normal.
The Princesses are Immortal, you know, so no ponies could really relate to them like, at all, so they would raise a filly or a colt up from birth, make them into the ponies they wanted for companionship. It was nice to have a pony that they could use to for sex for their stress, and keep their bed warm, and cuddle at night but that wouldn’t be like whiny or like stressful or anything. But honestly, other than like, one or two slaves or whatever Celestia was too busy running a fucking Kingdom to really bother much with fiddling.
Luna, on the other hoof, slept all day and then dicked around all night. She’d pace though the castle corridors, wondering aloud to herself, “Why is nobody awake geez I want to talk about bug collecting,” and then she’d go to some random pony’s hovel and shout at them "HEY WAKE UP AND TALK TO ME ABOUT BUG COLLECTING,” but they’d always be really mad at her and after a while she realized everybody was trying to fucking sleep.
So she molested children all night.
Secretly, and without really knowing what they were, she wanted nightclubs and trance music, but it was too bad for her. Maybe she should have invented them instead of seeing how young of a filly can fit a Princess hoof in their twat. Once she really gave in to her child lust, though, she spent basically every second swooping around at night kidnapping fillies so she could fiddle them till the sun came up.
I bet it basically went just like this:
The sun would go down and Luna would wake up and have some orange juice and brush her teeth and take a crap, then she would fly out her window after she raised up the moon and scoop up a big basket of fillies, then fly back to her room. She would shout for the guards and make the guards take off their helmets and close the doors and windows and then be like, "Fuck this child for my amusement!" or “Fondle this small animal nipple!” or “Touch my hoof while I molest this child!” and keep going on like that till it was time to make the moon go down, and she would just leave the fillies all whatever for somebody else to take home. She would take some breaks though for snacks and stuff, like if she had to crap again.
For a long time the guards just went along with it, because back so long ago the Princesses both did pederasty and didn't really think about it, and they were the bosses, but still it was gross and she sort of did weirder and weirder stuff, and the fillies mostly didn't really want to do it, and so the guards eventually told on her to Celestia to make sure all the things she was doing were really ok.
Even though back then Celestia sometimes had kinda young bedwarmers, Celestia was appalled by the quantity and quality of Luna’s filly fondling. She decided to take an informal straw poll so she had some guards go around and ask about the child stealing and filly fondling and was kinda surprised that everypony basically said they totally hated it and like, basically everypony was afraid to do anything at night because of Luna stealing children all the dang time.
Celestia went to Luna’s room and took the filly hoof out of her mouth and was like "Seriously doubleyou tee eff I mean I have my lesbian playtoys but I also like, run the fucking country.” She stomped her hoof on the ground and she kept berating her sister. It was about time the Princess of the Night got a reality check! "Fucking Luna you lazy twat nobody likes you, ugh, greater than colon capital letter cee!"
But Luna was like "Nuh uh everybody loves me!"
And Celestia was like "Fuk you Luna nobody gives a crap! They all think you're gross because you keep raping kids and stealing kids all the time go look in their dreams!"
And Luna did go and look in their dreams, and she was so shocked she was like "Holy fuck these people don't like me stealing kids and kids don't like getting raped all the time! Who knew? Oh well I will rule them thru fear and also be awake durin' the day!” But she didn’t really want to be awake during the day, so she changed her plan and whispered an addendum of “or rather make the day the nite so I can be awake although when the fuck am I going to sleep oh well doubleyou backslash ee."
But Celestia was like "Haha! No really pull the other one do you know who I am?"
But Luna was like "We can't use the elements tho bee slash cee I am evil now!"
But Celestia was like "Psssh, like I even need that to kick my baby sister's ass!"
And then Celestia kicked Luna in the uterus and sent her to the moon.
In like, a decade or so Celestia realized that they kids they'd been grooming turned into kind of fucked up adults, and Celestia remembered the informal straw poll too about how nopony really liked the child rape stuff so she was like "Ok the child rape thing me and my sister used to do is over you guys!"
And everybody in Equestria cheered and the ponies invented nightclubs and trance music a little later after that because now Luna wasn't around raping children all night so they weren’t afraid of going out at night.
When Luna camed back Celestia gave her a good raping herself first thing and was like "That's what we'd been doing to those kids. It really sucks."
And Luna was like "Actually, that was kinda hot but like, I can see kids not being into it."
But Celesatia knew she’d still learned her lesson, so then Celestia gave her her powers back and Luna kissed her on the mouth and from then on they only had adult courtesans although Luna's sometimes looked rather slim in the flank and long of limb if you take my meaning ;2
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The True Actual Real Correct Genuine Proper Authentic Story
Of How Things Were Back Then!
Author, you need help. Special help.
3416680
With what specifically, do you think? I know it's not at all the best prose, but I think it's the way the story ought to be told.
Moluna?
3416607
That would have been a better title, but I wasn't at all clever enough to think of it!
3416749
I know people accuse Celestia of this sort of thing sometimes, but really they should be focusing on her sister!
3416758
You have still earned my vote down on this.
3416767
Thank you very much!
I tried Googling uu\ee and it was mostly dealing with Spanish stuff, what's it supposed to mean?
Anyway, I would've liked this story more if it wasn't dealing with pedophilia, but the lack of description on, well, the pedophile end of things kept most of the disturbia at bay.
3462474
It's "w/e" which translates from horrible as "whatever." That was the only one I was concerned would be somewhat impenetrable, because it's hard to type "e" out in letters.
Thumbs up after the first few paragraphs. I'm not going to regret this.
3416758 Agreed.
This story RAWX!
I should adopt a similar writing style maybe.
3935265
Completely ridiculous?
Anyway, thanks to you, I've broken even on likes and dislikes with this story! Woah!
Thanks for actually reading it. It is probably the worst in the bunch though.
3935594 "Completely ridiculous" is only like 14 letters away from "satirical genuis," or something like that.
It doesn't really feel so much like a story as a pervy (and magical) premise for one maybe, but that's not so uncommon for satire. I couldn't stop laughing at the bug collecting bit.
It's just hard to find a joke story that's actually funny and doesn't waste my time by not appealing to my fetish.
Sounds goofy, but eh, one of the few people on this site whose opinion I actually respect gave it a pass... I guess I can spare ten minutes or so.
3936555
This is an awesome line. I feel like our spirits are gently sniffing each other in a totally platonic way.
A lot of the humor stories I've seen have sort of not just played a ridiculous premise straight and tried too hard to "write funny," although I think this story is probably the funniest thing I've read on the site.
Anyway, thanks again for liking my dumb story.
3936645 Oh? I hope I'm not the one you respected. But secretly I hope I am.
I'm generally a huge pervert with a goofy sense of humor. Yes, goofy would be a good word, and, maybe more so, just plain odd.
3940238
@sniffing)
You're definitely welcome! (
I remember reading that one and laughing a lot. I need to re-read it because I don't know if it was complete when I last read it and don't recall the ending. It'll be on my queue.
3936645 It is goofy.
3940290 I think there was like, a year or something between when I'd read it and when it was completed. I know there was a huge break in reading it for me too, like, before the end was posted. I had to reread the whole thing again because it had been so long.
Not to like, self-promote, but you might like my "Rainbow Dash's Lesbian Secret" story, because it's very similar to this one, or the Twilight one, which is more like, verbose than these but the same sort of thing. The Fluttershy one is my only "serious" story, and it's kinda not really.
3940547 I've already planned to read your other fics. Way ahead of you there.
3940592
sweeeeet! 
And thus a valuable lesson was learned. All it took was the power of incestual rape lol.
4586148 Sometimes, that's the only way you can really teach somebody something.
3416749
Lunaughty!
And I'm downvoting this for a completely different reason: It hurts my brain to read. I've seen fics like this before, and I guess it's an acquired taste, because I've never liked them.
5802981 my precious L:D ratio!
5806943
Don't worry; it having more dislikes than likes and being rated mature was the entire reason I clicked it: curiosity. Most mature-rated fics, whether for gore or for clop usually go the opposite way.
5809805 I think I only have one story with positive likes, to be honest.
is a good concept of story
Love the writing, hate the subject. I'll have to try one of your other stories sometime >.>
6795375
Well, glad you liked some portion of it anyway!
3940238
MLP Time Loops by Saphroneth are funny. Not enough clop? That's what our heads are for, 'cuz we all know they've done it.
Well, that's certainly... a take on it.
Now I kind of want to see what would happen if it was released in canon - either if it was the truth, or a total fabrication.
9983787
Do keep in mind that this was written in 2013, before we got the actual flashback and learned that Celestia used the Elements to send NMM to the moon. I know it's a real problem with the canonicity of the story, but I've left it the way it was written for historical and archival purposes.
9983849
Given it's basically a crackfic, I don't think the show saying otherwise is much of a problem.
9983866
I take the continuity of my crackfics very seriously.
9984034
Then it's probably best to go with the "it was a bunch of bullshit someone wrote while drunk and possibly high" approach.
(The in-universe author, I mean, not you. Unless you were, which is okay too.
9984262
Oh because it's presented as if a narrator is speaking directly to the reader?
The narrator even says "I bet it basically went just like this:" so everything after that point is obviously speculation, but everything before then? It might just be true ...
9984342
Could be, I suppose.
I have speculated on the idea before, actually, though from a Molestia-centered perspective. My conclusion was that rather then changing herself, the Princess would change society to suit her urges. An Equestria where all (or at least many of) the prettiest young fillies compete for the title of Royal Concubine in grand pageants.