my first 3rd person story with me entering at the end. a nice romance, would like comments... i came up with this riding my duel runner and it grew... hope you like it
it is about two OCs of mine, who i may ask to help in a later story or stories, black tower is a supposedly "the new vinyl scratch" but, when you part the back lit curtain, she is a stuttering, introvert
stardust is an astrophysicist with a penchant for rage, and bubble wrap fanatic (as most ponies and luna are, i enjoy it too) who has had romantic feelings for her best fiend since foalhood.
there is all of that, but what does a deceased pony have to do with this?
Chapters (1)
*Looks down at you from behind his helmet*
I find your lack of Capitalization......disturbing...
*Holds up his hoof as if strangling you*
>>soft shell
What is wrong with my capitilization? I find this to be quite insincere and honest at the same time... and i thought that nightmare immortal did not accoiate with those who have not hurt her... ah well... lyra, why do you forget to tell me i lef the microphone on?
" because i find the unfiltered responces much more interesting"
fair enough
...I'm sorry, but this is a cluttered, confusing mess. The words are cramped way too tightly together making it look like one long paragraph at times. The characters are bland and the romance forced, not to mention uninteresting since it comes out of absolutely nowhere. Plus in one scene you seem to break the forth wall and explain something to a pony who isn't even there instead of taking a sentence or two to explain it to the audience. I would suggest getting an editor/prereader to look over this so you can fix the mistakes.
I did not like this, and I'm being kind here, "story". thebrownywhosagirl's name was a far more interesting read. Also her comments pretty accurately described what you wrote. The intro I read to get me to actually look at your work was interesting. The actual story itself was so disjointed and unexplained as to make no sense what so ever. Then you made some sort of mistake and felt it necessary to explain it to the reader instead of fixing it, more than once. I too would suggest that a proof reader would be a significant help in your ability to relay a story.
Don't get to mad at us for saying these things to you. Most readers of fan fiction like to see everypony try their hoof at it. If you are serious about being a better story teller then you'll understand that these kind of responses are meant to help encourage you to fix what you did wrong. If you can get a handle on what it is you did wrong in this story, then I bet you will see that you can be a better writer on your next try.
I wish you good luck on your next try.
3412075
tank you for the critique, like i said, i did not have a prereader, nor do i know any, seeing as how i do not know of any sentient that can read my hand writing, while i do suppose the things you mentioned where present, i wish not to change any thing, being 60% feline, it is not my nature to admit mistakes... but i am using my twisted biology as an excuse, if it would not be a bother, would you mind pre-reading any of my work in the future? that would be quite nice, but as i said, this is me only asking for a favour, nothing more, if you do not wish to, i will understand...
from, midnight felinus mare,
old damned soul
Are you a native speaker of English?
3426893
why yes i am, (along with many others because that happens when you're older than the planet your on) why do you ask?
>>MidnightFMare
First off where did you get the "acquired a pony" image from, it's awesome.
Secondly, had you not been a native speaker of English I would have understood a lot of your mistakes.
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mistakes? what doths thou speaketh of? i got the picture from bing when i was looking for pony images, can't remember what i was looking up