This tells how I, Sol Shooter, was kicked out of house and home in Canterlot by my father for getting expelled. My mother slipped me a letter that said to go to Ponyville and stay at Rarity's until she is able to get me back home. Rarity, with whom my mother was a friend and customer, allowed me to stay until Mother says it's safe to come home. What will happen here in this small town? How long will I be staying here? Will I want to leave? You will find the answers in this short story.
An entry for SFNW's October contest.
(This is set two years before the end of S3. I have the Alternate Universe tag as it's not set in the universe the show is set in, but a similar universe.)
Thanks to cooljwj for pre-reading.
[The OC Sol Shooter is owned by Isaac Andrew Helget. Any use without his expressed consent is strictly prohibited.]
yay it's up!
3390219
Yeah. I was debating on whether or not to add another few paragraphs in, but I felt it was a bit superfluous.
3390235
well i added this to just about every group i could you crazy editor you
Dammit, better change my fic's character.
Hi. Welcome to the internet. How're you enjoying your stay thus far? Pretty good? That's nice.
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... K? What'd I say to make myself a smartass? I'm just acknowledging your entry to the internet, quoting something that makes it obvious.
3395126
WTF do you mean by "entry to the Internet?"
I'm confused as to who is supposed to be the protagonist here. Apparently it's supposed to be the OC, but I can't really feel bad for him.
-He got kicked out of university for doing something both stupid and illegal.
-His father kicked his university-age kid out of the house for doing stupid and illegal things. Again, not seeing where the father is the bad guy.
-His father even GAVE HIM MONEY, regardless of the stupid, illegal things his son did.
-Your OC, unrepentant and ungrateful, whines to Rarity
-Rarity, who is very OOC, for some reason decides to date this failure of a stallion
-Rarity, again OOC, hides a letter from his mother? That's... yeah, no. She's the element of generosity, she would want to help him make amends with his family since that's what is important.
Overall, there's zero emotional appeal or development, and the whole thing is written fairly poorly-it's nothing but tell, tell, tell. You need to show.
3395126 I am acknowledging your entry to the internet as well, my dear Axel <3
3394874 ikr I was totally going to use this character, NOW I CAN'T, OH NO.
3397186
1. It's called what I dub "applied magic." Sol believes the best way to understand magic is to use it. However, he was trying to find other uses for the illegal spells that can be helpful, not hurtful. And how is it stupid? He anticipated the corrupting power and built up a great immunity to said corruption.
2. The animosity with his father is not too well-represented here as in his bio. (BTW this story is not canon to the bio)
3. Consider it somewhat of a parting gift: a little money to last a few days.
4. I'm sure Rarity would want to know why her friend's son arrived on her doorstep.
5. What constitutes failure is subjective. And being close to someone for several weeks does tend to bring the two together.
6. Considering she's the least like her Element, it's not too surprising for her to wait some time, like she did during "Sweet and Elite." (plus note the ALTERNATE UNIVERSE tag on the story)
This was for SFNW's October contest, and the guideline for the story was 0 dialogue. And my pre-reader said the characters were developed enough. I'm working on his true story, which will include dialogue.
Ok, I'm going to be straight with you. The way you write this fic is borderline clinical, and not in a good way. There's very little personal connection, despite the attempt at sounding like a storyteller, and I personally find it quite difficult to emotionally invest in Sol Shooter (seriously, you called your self insert Sol Shooter?). I'd say that this 'storytelling' style of summarizing actions can work, but doesn't work here because you (and by extension your self-insert) lack the flair needed to pull it off. It just comes across as a rather dull summary of what could've been a better story. Basically, I don't think this contest is really your thing, at least as you are right now. Maybe if Sol had more idiosyncrasies as a storyteller, or was telling a less hackneyed story, this might be more interesting, I don't know.
It's both rushed and incredibly detached, and the character of Sol Shooter does little to ingratiate itself with me. MidnightDancer makes some excellent points along that vein, actually. There's not enough attention given to making Sol a likeable character, presumably because you, the author, are too infatuated with him, er... yourself to actually notice that others might not like him so much with only the material you provide here.
3397186 Much love, my dear
3396339 Exactly that. Your entering of the Internet.
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1. Because it's dangerous and illegal, and his father is WELL within his rights to remove him from his home in that instance.
2. That's you failing as a storyteller again, then.
3. I didn't say anything about WHY his father gave him the money. I'm saying that the kid is such a dick, he can't even appreciate it.
4. Again, I didn't say anything about that. I said that he WHINED to her. When he shouldn't have. He brought all of this on himself.
5. Dude if you throw a random guy and a random girl together for two weeks, that does not guarantee that they're going to end up falling in love. That's... well, stupid. And a guy kicked out of university AND out of his parents home for deliberately breaking important rules and fucking about with things he shouldn't be fucking about with? Constitutes a failure, yeah.
6. I daresay she's not the least like her element. If anyone is, it's Applejack.
3397868 All of this. He's too into himself to see the problems.
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