Cooperdawg
Joined 12th Jan, 2013 ·
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yes, i like! cant wait for more!
October 23rd, the day everything changed. Very nice Cooperdawg
Good so far
So you went ahead and wrote this I see, pretty darn good so far.
Couldn't spot any grammar errors, but I wasn't combing for those anyway. One tiny nitpick I have with the formating is that not having an extra line between paragraphs sort of induces 'wall of text glazed eyes' for me, but that's just a personal issue.
Let's see if the Mane6/Ministry Mares are in their early 20's when the show starts then 47 years later would make them late 60's...that sounds about right time wise. Anyway here's a timeline from the wiki in case you didn't know about it FOE timeline. (Not that it matters after that the bombs have been dropped, because of the lack of events afterwards)
Again a tiny nitpick, but considering that Equestria had Celestia One and presumably other instant cast megaspells, it wouldn't make sense that Equestria would be firing missiles back at the Zebras (unless they're some kind of defense missile). Again it doesn't matter now that the world has ended, just a line that took me out of it for a moment and just because I'm around people who put way too much thought into that sort of thing.
I could nitpick your apocalypse some more, but it doesn't really matter now that the world's ended.
Cirrus seems like a pretty standard everyman/pony, though I have doubts on how long his wife will last...and what his reaction to that might be...
Can't wait to see how the survivors get by in the newly created wasteland!
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Thanks for the feedback, and especially for the nitpicking. Honestly, I realize that some of it will fall short of what the canon says ACTUALLY happened, but I was also going for more of a symbolic gesture with the return fire of missiles, more or less for the realization that the apocalypse was, in fact, actually happening. Also, I don't really put quite THAT much thought into it, and usually just write what feels right.
That link to the timeline is going to prove really useful, and I'll probably using that quite a bit as well.
As for the stylistic nitpick (the so-called 'wall of text'), that formatting is my preferred system, simply because I use the empty white space in order to show a big change in setting, or the passage of time, or something along those lines. It's basically the format most modern novels are written in, which is also the reason I use it.
3294907 FiMfiction does have a 'horizontal rule' option you can add and most authors here use those to separate segments (I think, I've never written a story), but whatever, its your story.
Another great chapter! Cirrus's first kill...poor guy.
When might the Enclave be brought up? Perhaps, when they reach the military base and ask about the cloud cities...
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Something along those lines. At this point in the story, everyone is more concerned with survival, rather than trying to figure out who's still alive and who isn't. I do have some plans in mind for the emergence of the Enclave and where Cirrus fits in with that, but they still need to be fleshed out before I give anything away.
This is really good, I'm glad that they finally found the thief and got more food and water. I think the Army setting up a relief camp there is a trap though. Good chapter
Another great chapter! Love how everything is falling apart, especially the military and the description that everyone is simply 'scared' rings true.
God damn it, the spacing is still bugging me...guess I just got used to all the authors on this site who put an empty line between paragraphs, that going back to the dead tree format is jarring, plus I find it hard to keep track of where I am with close spacing on a back-lit screen. (Also there is the horizontal rule ([ hr] A.K.A.:
to show separation) /rant
3746986 Sorry that the spacing is getting to you! Unfortunately, this is just the format I use for just about all of my writing, and anything else simply looks wrong to me. I like to use the empty line between paragraphs as a break in time or a shift to a different scene, so putting a break between every paragraph would really mess that up.
It's kind of funny how stuck ponies (and people) can get in their ways. They (Swift Foot, Wrench, etc) complain about being abandoned by the pegasi and their lack of connection to what's left of the Equestrian military and yet it's ok for them to abuse other ponies and throw them out of a safe place into what they very well know amounts to a death sentence. So much for the pretense of caring and saving other ponies. I have to wonder what is with Swift Foot and this Wrench dude, since it seems they're thick as thieves...
So far so good.
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Honestly, my intention wasn't meant for them to be viewed as being in on it together. I intended Swift Foot to be the military commander that is totally out of his depth, and so tries to live by social norms that simply don't apply anymore, and Wrench to be an opportunistic asshole.
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Err okay, but it stills seems a bit like they might be in cahoots or at least have a relationship that means he doesn't interfere with Wrench or chastise him nearly enough for his behavior.
It's kind of hard to believe that Equestria really has rules requiring execution of ponies who attack soldier without some kind of pretext for why that would exist. It seems particularly unlikely such would exist in canon Equestria and as Fallout Equestria seems, to me at least, to derive from a certain point in canon I have to wonder. It might be appropriate to make a reference to some laws similar to those in existence in RL (ex. the Patriot Act in the US -- just a suggestion since it's something people might be aware of) in the sense of defining rules that changed due to the war unless your story includes such a law existing in Equestria from antiquity or at the farther past than Twilight and the EoH.
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I see what you mean... I was more or less trying to do this somewhat logically, where it would make sense that the punishment would be incredible serious for a citizen to attack a soldier in uniform and on active duty. To my mind, it would be logical for Equestria to have a law defining something like that as treason, especially considering how long the war had already lasted before the bombs were dropped.
So, it seems like a case where I could have been a little more clear with what I was doing, and what I intended. I'll be sure to take a little more care in the future!