Hendrix Leonidas goes camping with a few friends only to roll into a fire and end up in Equestria. He winds up there with not only his friends, but his enemies too. They must all work together along with the mane six to rid Equestria of the magical, stone golems and the invading humans, but will they succeed? Or will they end up giving in to their fears? Will they fight their own species for what is right? Or will it all go down the drain? Find out in: Skyborn.
-SamMaherGamer
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I'll apologize right now if this seems overly harsh or mean but I've been through a lot this morning and I don't feel like pulling my punches.
You seem to like descriptions. Overblown and overly dramatic descriptions. And it once again seems to involve some guy called Hendrix like in "The Hidden Elements". Same guy? Parkour master and everything?
So this guy in on fire, which somehow brings him to Equestria yet it brings him hundreds of feet in the air so he's falling. The speed at which he's traveling makes a nice hole in the ground, some 60 feet deep which he's now able to pull his "overly muscled body" out of. But no, he can't. Even though he's obviously going to be super strong because of this, he's still getting cut by the rocks even though he was able to create a 60 foot deep impact crater.... sorry hole in the ground and not die from the impact. That's some amazingly specific ability he has not to mention some physics defying impact.
Only now that he's out of the hole is he unable to breathe somehow. While falling and climbing out of the hole he's fine, yet the moment he steps on the ground he's now unable to breathe. Yeah, breathing doesn't work that way. If he was able to breathe while falling, hitting the ground, making the crater... I mean hole, falling unconscious, waking up and trying to climb out before being rescued by Twilight Sparkle he'd be able to breathe once he was on the surface. Otherwise he'd have passed out and suffocated before then.
They take him to the Everfree where suddenly he's able to breathe for... reasons. And the Mane Six are also able to breathe without issue. That's amazing. He gets the magical MacGuffin with a Japanese symbol in it that now allows him to breathe. Do I smell the distinctive odor of Chekhov's Gun? I better because otherwise you're not doing it right.
So from the description there are going to be others like Gary Stu here who are superhuman and will use those newfound powers to help Equestria. Sorry, but Gary Stu stories are rarely well received here. I would say that normally this would require a lot of work to fix all these little plot holes but since these eleven humans will be the protectors of Equestria I'd say the best thing to do is to drag this behind the barn and shoot it in the head.
l.wigflip.com/35pBNQda/roflbot.jpg
Not bad. I'll be looking forward to this story.
Well technically it's not bad.
The story and characters are, though. If you wrote a simple slice-of-life with a cute premise, you might go somewhere. But continually churning out below-average wish-fulfillment HiE fics won't get you anywhere.
3214068this...
3213484 <you bring up a lot of valid points..over all the story is "ok" but at this rate its going to be a= humans are god but they cant go everywhere and conquer and need help..
TLDR: op..fix your shit....
3213484 Sorry for a shorter reply, but my first one got wiped in a crash: Thx. I will revise the current chapter and add some most-needed info. Next chapter will also contain some explanations and info in relation to the last. Hendrix is a name i just couldnt abandon and im not thinking of working any more on 'The Hidden Elements' so, Thanks again!
3213752 I take it that you like the story? Thanks!
3213780 Thanks; I honestly don't know why you have dislikes on your comment just for saying that my story's not bad. :/
3214068 Thanks. I am going to update the characters to all have less power overall. I honestly suck at doing Slice-of-Life stories. I've tried. :/
3214156 I'm fixing it, I'm fixing it.
ME: New chapter and revised chapter soon
3214843
Funny how my comment is the one downvoted while wholewheat's comment goes by.
3214156 3213484
You are right on the OP unless you pull off a firewood-like weakness like in Greek mythology to balance things out
3214068
Keep in mind the he just started this story, cut him some slack, he can literally take this story anywhere, thus improving the story with each chapter.
3215106
No duh.
As I said before: it's technically good, but the plot and characters are thus far bad. There is a chance he can pull it out of the gutter. A slim chance, but a chance nonetheless.
3214843
Not a problem. I for one don't mind HiE stories if they're well written although I do have a certain dislike of the self-insert Gary Stu variety especially when they're a Glass Cannon. You know the type, super powerful but an extremely convenient or common weakness. Think Captain Planet. He's super powerful but any type of pollution at all weakens him to the point of taking him out.
The setup for this isn't bad in that you've got friends and enemies fighting for a common cause. It's just you need to reign in the language a bit, make it sound less dramatic and sorry to put it this way but less stupid.
3215106
My comment got a thumbs down as well. That's just the way these things work.
3215106 Um, uh... No. Er... N-no weakness here... (().(()
3215171 Slim chances are my speciality. :D (I mean it!)
3215454 Yeah, I'm a sucker for writing dramatic stories, honestly. However, don't think of the characters as Glass Cannons, but more Rusty Iron Cannons. {:)
Hendrix Leonidas... really?
3218278 Yeah, really. I hate plain names. :/
3213484
Now, while I agree with some of the points that you made, you could very have gone about being much more kind about it.
Speaking of, dear author, I would like to see this story persist. If not only for the pure reason of showing people your passion for writing, then giving the haters a chance to reconsider by explaining more of the story, how your characters were given the powers, etc etc. Honestly, thinking about it more, that breathing issue was pretty confusing, and the pendant was a little... Unnecessary.
I'm curious to see where the story goes, and more of an explanation of your characters, and how the Golems came to be.
3225577 I only have one thing to say to you; Yes...
3225577
Yes I could have, but did I not say that I was in no mood to pull my punches? Things like that, especially when they come at the beginning of a message are there as a warning that what follows might not be pleasant and might be considered harsh. In fact I think I used that actual term. But thank you for point this out to everybody. It's not like I was obvious about it. No, when I said specifically, "I'll apologize right now if this seems overly harsh or mean..." I realize now that I might have been speaking in code at that point and we needed you to point out the true meaning of my words.
Haters? Seriously? That is the most non-insulting "insult" in existence. It's a waste of breath to say it and a waste of energy to type it. This term is often used by pre-teen girls whenever someone insults their favorite teeny bopper singers. If you ever call someone a hater, find the nearest knife and use it pierce your lungs for polluting our air with that f*cking stupid word.
Being critical is not being a "hater" especially when you're actually providing constructive criticism of said story. I even said that he had a good setup for this but the execution of it was lacking.
And, believe it or not, the people that voted this down will not come back and a story with this many dislikes to likes will rarely climb back up and redeem itself which is why I suggested he kill it. The author is now fighting an uphill battle that he will probably never win no matter how good the story is. The best thing to do is to take it down, rework it and then release it as a new and fresh story when he's done.
Trying to fix it once it's already out almost never works. I'm not saying that he might not be one of the lucky ones but the odds are not on his side. In the end it needs to be his decision, not yours, mine or the legions of "haters" that you think seem to be doing their best to keep this story down.
3227889 I gotta agree with you here; I've had a lot of criticism in my past, and I was never affected by any 'harsh' or 'mean' words. Honestly, I don't care what people say, I decode the message to the point and get it done with. Now, if you'll excuse me, Imma start a new story. I'll post the link here later... :/
*ratta* *tat* *tat*
Wassup? New story FYI!
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/134038/my-little-outsider/
3255747 I like your story. Why does it have down votes?
4242877 I'd believe that it's because of how B0SS I made everything. Honestly, that sort of thing is good in a fantasy, but not a book. A book needs some conflict and drama, you know what I'm saying?
4243009 I feel the same way. My story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings also have down votes. Want to check out my story?
4243055 Nah, don't usually read much here anymore...
You know what you've gotta do tho?
Practice and practice.
I know how repetitive this can get, and I know that you've probably heard it so many times before. You may be thinking that I'm just like the others who've told you that. And you know what?
I am.
I am like the others. And I am telling you with all of my heart that you must keep practicing. This? This is one of my old stories. If you ckeck out my newer story, in which of course is up for adoption, it has 1:6 down ores to votes.
Do you know how I achieved that? I practiced. I continued to write, and when people hated my work, I ignored them. I continued until I had enough skill to become a professional. How?
Again, practice...
So. Even though your stories may seem lowly to others, to you, they are the mistakes that you learn from...
You can. You can become a writer.
Pour all of your heart and soul into your work, and continue to do so onwards, even if your closer friends start to tease you or bully you.
Believe in yourself, because once done, you may pass such knowledge as this onto many loving fans...
Your future is up to you, but if I were you, I would continue what I love to do. Which in your case, is probably...
To write.
Believe in yourself, and only good will come of it,
-SamMaherGamer
4243055 Plus, if you ever need help, or ever need someone to think of ideas, etc.
I'll be here.
(Or at least until I leave the site, in which just might be never)
-SamMaherGamer
Please un-cancel this...
5680074 Lol it's old and I don't write anymore. Sorry man. :P
5680611 My entire day has been ruined...
5685060 lol noooo
5688778 Make that week...