Chapter I - First Discoveries
Burning. It's the best way to describe what was happening to me. It felt like flames were spread all over my entire body. Whatever was happening to me, my smoky flesh was on fire and I could feel a sharp stinging of wind. Most likely fact would be that I was falling, but I couldn't tell; not quite yet. I could notice the sound of a bellowing scream emanating from my lungs as I fell. The howl of the wind was cut off and I could feel an impact that felt like being thrown against a wall of stone by catapult, then sliding down that very wall like a glob of slime. The only thing that mattered, however, was that I was still alive. My thoughts were starting to become more blurred as I was wondering as to how I had ended up falling, but I was dismissed by a lurking mist of darkness that concealed my visions and thoughts. My vision went black and I was thrusted into unconsciousness.
My vision started to return to me, only show me that I was buried alive under a muddy mound of dirt. My short, chestnut-brown hair was turned clammy due to my stated surroundings. I tried to lift my over-muscled body out of the mud, but I only found that the density of it was too great, my cream-coloured skin turning a blazing red in which would have matched my clothing had it not burned off. I suddenly realised what had previously happened as if it were a raging tsunami. Breaking out of the earth, I tried to reflect on the past events that had reoccurred to my mind; My usually 'playful puppy' attitude having left my mind as soon as I had started falling. Having gazed up, I felt yet another ghastly fear. I was stuck in a deep hole at least twenty metres deep, and the apparent stormy weather didn't help the problem. I grabbed a jutted rock hanging out from the side of the pit, and with a large, muscly arm, I pulled myself up. Whatever sick joke this was, there was a lot of explanations to be given.
Having pulled myself up to grab yet another rugged rock, I saw that a number of injuries had been afflicted to my body, accompanied by a sharp pang of pain. My consciousness coming back, I looked down. In addition to the view of dark, reddish mud, I could see that I was almost halfway up. For a second, I pondered if the dirt had completely turned to mud because of my own blood, but then it dawned on me that it was raining.
Soon, I found that I was almost all the way to the top. I had cut my legs and arms on some impossibly sharp stones, but it was worth it, as I had almost made my way to the top. There being no more ledges of grips to use, I decided to make a faithful leap and hopefully find myself outside of the hole and into the brighter ambience of the outside world. My jump quickly faded into a deadly fall, and I began to topple back down to the dark abyss of the now muddier hole. I stopped falling, only to think that time had slowed before it showcased my gruesomely horrific death; drowning in blood and mud. However, time hadn't slowed down; the rain was still falling at the same speed it always had: I had stopped. I looked around confused to find a small figure over the opening. A purple glow could be seen just above its head. That wasn't the relieving part though. The relieving part was the fact that I was floating and glowing the exact same colour of purple that I saw above the figure's head. I felt a warm rising feeling as I was lifted from the hellhole and out into the bright, cloud-scarred sky.
If I had thought this was a joke before, then I was clearly mistaken. There were a couple of dozen quadruped silhouettes in the distance, joined by the view of a reddish-orange sunset. It wasn't like that before I fell...
It had been a cold chilly morning and I was out camping with some friends at a caravan park. Our parents negated to us going out to an unpopulated area. The sky was a grim grey and was blurred with sleek clouds. The area was sprayed with a bright morning dew and almost completely speckled with frost. A blazing fire crackled away in front of me and I embraced the warmth it spread, my friends by my side; Peter and Aaron. They were the type of people I could live with, them having a certain vibe about them. I was just playing around with them, but it went too far. Peter and I were wrestling on an old, rotten log by the fire when Aaron decided it would be a good idea to jump on top of us. I felt impact, and pulled Peter and Aaron with me, and we rolled into the blaze of the fire. Normally you'd think we'd have just burned to death, but it was almost the complete opposite. I felt a tingling sensation around my body, and my vision started to invert the very colours before me. That very moment, I felt myself start to fall. seconds after that, I felt a burning pain...
Coming to my senses again, I noticed that the rain had stopped. I tried to make more sense of my surroundings, and yes, the rain had ceased its pattering. Strangely though, it was only the patch of clouds above me that were missing. It was as if someone had torn a gap in the clouds just for me. Although, now that I had looked a bit more closely, there were about a dozen holes in the cloudy sky. The unnoticed-until-now tingling sensation around my body increased and caused me to spasm around in midair. I saw a couple more silhouettes of floating bipeds surrounded by a coloured 'cloud' in the corner of my eye. Almost suddenly, my lungs tensed. I tried to breath, but the air seemed unbreathable to myself. I started to wheeze, causing a lavender coated pony with a horn and violet and pink mane to step into my field of vision. Ponies? The lack of air must have been causing me to hallucinate. Either that or was dreaming. Probably the former though, because the stinging pain in my thigh was killing me. It was starting to dawn on me though, that I was going to die of suffocation.
The strange purple pony noticed this and laid me on the ground. I tried to speak, but I could only produce half-accurate, croaking sounds. She started to speak to me, in which produced a sweet, young voice.
"Are you ok? Can you breathe?" She asked.
I could only reply with a shake of my head, causing a few other coloured quadrupeds to walk towards me.
"What do you breathe? How do we find it?" She questions, obviously panicking.
I shook my head. "Oxygen," I slurred, "plants."
"Girls," I heard her say, her back turned to me, "I have an idea. Bring him and the others to the Everfree."
What was the Everfree? Why there? My thinking was interupted as I was 'floated' onto an orange-coated and yellow-maned pony's back and brought to a gloomy, dark looking forest by the edge of the drenched fields. Is this what the Everfree looked like? I was once again snapped out of thought as I was lifted off the pony's back, and into the fearful forest beyond...
As soon as I was thrown into the forest, my lungs took a pang of pain and I started to pant, taking in precious oxygen as I did. I looked around, my mind having cleared and my vision sharpened. The trees looked nothing like they did outside of the forest. Outside, the trees looked as if they were constructed from a cartoon, and were so bright that they hurt my eyes. Whereas the trees inside the 'Everfree' looked exactly like they did back home. Hang on... Home? Did this mean I wasn't going home? I hunched down and started to silently sulk. I didn't quite like my parents, but I never even got to say goodbye. They'd soon probably be sending out search parties to look for me... Couldn't do much now though, I guessed.
Snapping into reality and eliminating the thought, I remembered that there were others with me. I looked around to see exactly ten others hunched by me. There was a line of ponies along the edge of the forest, looking at us as if we were animals inside of a cage in the zoo. I started to feel a mix of anger and fear creep into my mind. I should have stopped seeing things, but the ponies were still there. I stepped forwards and decided to start questioning.
"What are you?" Was the only thing I could push out of my mouth.
"We're ponies. Duh." Says a cocky, blue one with a rainbow mane and tail.
"I could tell you that," I claimed, "but I mean why are you? I mean, how are you?"
"I'm good thank you! What's your name? If it's 'Starstriker,' then I could call you 'Stars!' Oh, but if you were a 'Seatree,' then I could call you 'Tree!' No wait. It would be weird to call a pony 'Tree,' don't you think? Fluttershy wanted to be a tree once. Oh! I should throw you and your friends a super-duper, great, big party, and I should start right now!" And with that, she zipped off and disappeared somewhere. I was a bit taken back by what the bubblegum-pink pony had blurted out, but it didn't take my spirit away as much as it had seemed to strengthen it.
"I need to lie down," I muttered to myself, but then I broke out into a half-shout, "I'm stuck in this world with no way to breath the air outside of this forest. I seem to be stuck here with a dozen other people I don't know, and I need to back home." I announced, hoping that somebody knew what was happening. However, all of the ponies had an uncertain look on their faces. What felt like minutes had passed before the lavender one walked up to me again. In proportion, she looked to be about two-thirds the height that I was, and seemed the same in length as she was in height too. I took a step back as she took one forward, then she started to speak:
"I don't know of a way to return you home, but I can always try to find out! My name's Twilight Sparkle," she began, "and this is Ponyville. What's yours?"
"Er, my name's Hendrix Leonidas," I said, "and I come from Earth."
"But we're already on Earth," she replied.
This is when my brain should have blow up, but it didn't seem to, and I was forced to stutter and cough at what Twilight Sparkle had just stated.
"Hang on! Wait right here," she asked of me, her horn glowing. Almost suddenly, she disappeared with an implosion of purple aura. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. She had just teleported! And all of the ponies were sitting there as if it were no big deal!
Minutes must have passed before Twilight Sparkle teleported back with a loop of string holding a gemstone with the texture of transparent mother-of-pearl. Engraved in it was a Japanese looking symbol, in which was glowing the same colour as her magic had. I stared in amazement at the artefact she had just brought to my face.
"This, will allow you to breath our air, but only while I'm still conscious. If I ever stop using the small flow of magic I am using currently for the pendant, it's effects will cease, and you must flee back to the Evertree. Am I clear?" She inquired, looking around warily.
"Yes... I guess. What about the others?" I queried, pulling the pendant from her 'magic' and hanging it over my neck.
"That," Twilight Sparkle starts, "is a spectral diamond, the highest tier of enchantable gems. I've only made one before; the one you're wearing right now. However, wait a few days, and I might be able to make some more."
"What about now though? They have no shelter, no food; Heck, They don't even have any space!" I snapped, however, I quickly diverted to a calm voice, "sorry for shouting, but these people are innocent beings that are cold, scared and hungry right now. Would it be possible to bring them some tents and food if possible? Maybe some rags too?" I pleaded.
"I guess I'd be happy to be the pony to step up and set up some shelter," said the same orange pony that carried me here, "the name's Applejack," she said, holding out a hand - I mean hoof - to shake. Reaching over, I grab the hoof only to be rattled up and down by the country pony's bulky forelegs.
"And I could set up a protection spell to protect them from the golems!" Stated Twilight.
"Whoa, whoa," I shouted, "what do you mean golems?"
"Some evil force has created a force of magical stone golems that hunt us down. They roam the streets looking for ponies, and if they find one, they make sure they kill it as swiftly as they can," she said sadly.
I rubbed my eyes, then wiped the dried mud off of my chest. It seemed strangely natural to be naked, however I didn't think I'd stay that way; It just didn't feel right.
"That reminds me," Twilight continued, breaking into a shout, "Return home everypony! Lock your doors and stay safe!"
With that, she cast a spell and caused a large purple dome to fade into view above the group of frightened humans.
"Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack, I need you three to go and calm down the humans. Applejack and Rainbow Dash, you girls come with Hendrix and I. We need to make it to my house so that we can start t-"
With that, the ponies' ears pricked up and Twilight fell silent. I listened up and kept my breathing silent in order to hear what they could: a golem.
We quickly ran towards an alleyway just by what seemed to be a large treehouse. However, the golem appeared to have heard us and was about to peek its head down the alley. I held my breath, as so did my two companions, and we stood perfectly still against the cold, hard, brick wall. As my heart pounded, I could hear the clinking stone footsteps of the stone beast as it neared. I closed my eyes and held my body as rigid as it could be. All of a sudden, I felt three hard, stony fingers grasp onto my skull and, for a second, they just sat there. I pulled my eyes over to look at my new companions, but they only stared at me in horror.
"Help," was all I could whisper before it pulled me up by my head and whipped me over its shoulder. I slammed into the ground and grazed my knees, then I clambered up and turned to quickly view my attacker. It was different to what I had first expected. It was a telekinetic being of cuboids and such. As I had felt, it had three rectangular fingers decorated with what looked kind of like the Chinese symbol from these dang Twilight made me. However, it wasn't only its fingers that bore the engraved symbols, but its whole body. The face bore two large, angry-looking holes coloured a bright orangey-yellow, as did all its engravings. As I basked in the mystery of the stone creature, I didn't notice its arm rise towards me, nor that its fingers slid back down its arm to emulate a small cannon. Suddenly, I saw a bright orb buzz swiftly past me and explode, throwing me into a nearby wall. Not having the consciousness to think properly, I ran the exact opposite direction compared to the one that Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were in. Gaining my senses back, I ran to a park bench and run across it, leaping onto a nearby cafe table. I quickly pulled myself up onto the roof, only to get pulled back down by a yellow telekinetic magic. Being pulled to face the golem, I started to break into a sweat. The adrenalin was great for me to just be held back like this, therefor, I managed to kick the golem on the leg. It seemed to stop it for a bit, as it had dropped me and flinched. Pulling my arm back, I heard a shout:
"Hendrix, no! You'll break your hand!"
Not being a guy for reason, I reeled my knuckles back further and brought it down on the golem's chest. I felt my fingers crack, and my fist was grazed badly, but I was 'in the mood,' and I pulled another punch out on the large stony warrior. Surprisingly, my fist punched a hole right through the rock, and created a large hole. Pulling my arm out, and feeling a newfound strength, I put both hands on either side of the hole and levered the hole open. In an explosion of dust, the golem's chest flew apart and all the yellow-glowing magic dissipated into the air.
"Hendrix, no!" I called back to the two mares in a mocking way.
"No one's ever defeated a golem before! That, Was, Awesome!" Rainbow Dash said enthusiastically.
"Is it even possible to even have that amount of power?" Twilight inquired.
"Look, I don't know how this happened, but I'm The Hulk now. Deal with it."
"The hulk of what?" Asked Rainbow Dash
"Um... Muscle." I stated defiantly, picking up a fragment of the golems chest with an engraving still on it.
"Y-your hands!" Said Twilight.
"Huh?" Mumbled Hendrix, "oh, I didn't see that. I don't really feel anything, it's all okay." I said, staring at his bloody palms and knuckles.
The rest of the day was of setting up tents for the 'Everfree group.' It seemed that the three other mares managed to really make the other humans feel right at home. Come to speak of it, they'd made me really feel at 'home' too! That does feel rather comforting in a way.
Anyway, it turns out that their world has had this problem for weeks now, and that Twilight was sharing her home with her five other friends for the time being. It wasn't very safe to travel the streets at any time, and Twilight said that we were lucky that we had only encountered one golem. I hope that little 'sign' I left them in the middle of the street shows them that they'd better be scared.
Twilight was kind enough to let me stay at her house until things washed over, and I can only say that I am very grateful for her generosity, and that I won't try to be too much of a bother.
Also turns out that Twilight has an assistant dragon named 'Spike.' Weird. I'd think of 'Spike' as a dogs name.
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I'll apologize right now if this seems overly harsh or mean but I've been through a lot this morning and I don't feel like pulling my punches.
You seem to like descriptions. Overblown and overly dramatic descriptions. And it once again seems to involve some guy called Hendrix like in "The Hidden Elements". Same guy? Parkour master and everything?
So this guy in on fire, which somehow brings him to Equestria yet it brings him hundreds of feet in the air so he's falling. The speed at which he's traveling makes a nice hole in the ground, some 60 feet deep which he's now able to pull his "overly muscled body" out of. But no, he can't. Even though he's obviously going to be super strong because of this, he's still getting cut by the rocks even though he was able to create a 60 foot deep impact crater.... sorry hole in the ground and not die from the impact. That's some amazingly specific ability he has not to mention some physics defying impact.
Only now that he's out of the hole is he unable to breathe somehow. While falling and climbing out of the hole he's fine, yet the moment he steps on the ground he's now unable to breathe. Yeah, breathing doesn't work that way. If he was able to breathe while falling, hitting the ground, making the crater... I mean hole, falling unconscious, waking up and trying to climb out before being rescued by Twilight Sparkle he'd be able to breathe once he was on the surface. Otherwise he'd have passed out and suffocated before then.
They take him to the Everfree where suddenly he's able to breathe for... reasons. And the Mane Six are also able to breathe without issue. That's amazing. He gets the magical MacGuffin with a Japanese symbol in it that now allows him to breathe. Do I smell the distinctive odor of Chekhov's Gun? I better because otherwise you're not doing it right.
So from the description there are going to be others like Gary Stu here who are superhuman and will use those newfound powers to help Equestria. Sorry, but Gary Stu stories are rarely well received here. I would say that normally this would require a lot of work to fix all these little plot holes but since these eleven humans will be the protectors of Equestria I'd say the best thing to do is to drag this behind the barn and shoot it in the head.
l.wigflip.com/35pBNQda/roflbot.jpg
Not bad. I'll be looking forward to this story.
Well technically it's not bad.
The story and characters are, though. If you wrote a simple slice-of-life with a cute premise, you might go somewhere. But continually churning out below-average wish-fulfillment HiE fics won't get you anywhere.
3214068this...
3213484 <you bring up a lot of valid points..over all the story is "ok" but at this rate its going to be a= humans are god but they cant go everywhere and conquer and need help..
TLDR: op..fix your shit....
3213484 Sorry for a shorter reply, but my first one got wiped in a crash: Thx. I will revise the current chapter and add some most-needed info. Next chapter will also contain some explanations and info in relation to the last. Hendrix is a name i just couldnt abandon and im not thinking of working any more on 'The Hidden Elements' so, Thanks again!
3213752 I take it that you like the story? Thanks!
3213780 Thanks; I honestly don't know why you have dislikes on your comment just for saying that my story's not bad. :/
3214068 Thanks. I am going to update the characters to all have less power overall. I honestly suck at doing Slice-of-Life stories. I've tried. :/
3214156 I'm fixing it, I'm fixing it.
ME: New chapter and revised chapter soon
3214843
Funny how my comment is the one downvoted while wholewheat's comment goes by.
3214156 3213484
You are right on the OP unless you pull off a firewood-like weakness like in Greek mythology to balance things out
3214068
Keep in mind the he just started this story, cut him some slack, he can literally take this story anywhere, thus improving the story with each chapter.
3215106
No duh.
As I said before: it's technically good, but the plot and characters are thus far bad. There is a chance he can pull it out of the gutter. A slim chance, but a chance nonetheless.
3214843
Not a problem. I for one don't mind HiE stories if they're well written although I do have a certain dislike of the self-insert Gary Stu variety especially when they're a Glass Cannon. You know the type, super powerful but an extremely convenient or common weakness. Think Captain Planet. He's super powerful but any type of pollution at all weakens him to the point of taking him out.
The setup for this isn't bad in that you've got friends and enemies fighting for a common cause. It's just you need to reign in the language a bit, make it sound less dramatic and sorry to put it this way but less stupid.
3215106
My comment got a thumbs down as well. That's just the way these things work.
3215106 Um, uh... No. Er... N-no weakness here... (().(()
3215171 Slim chances are my speciality. :D (I mean it!)
3215454 Yeah, I'm a sucker for writing dramatic stories, honestly. However, don't think of the characters as Glass Cannons, but more Rusty Iron Cannons. {:)
Hendrix Leonidas... really?
3218278 Yeah, really. I hate plain names. :/
3213484
Now, while I agree with some of the points that you made, you could very have gone about being much more kind about it.
Speaking of, dear author, I would like to see this story persist. If not only for the pure reason of showing people your passion for writing, then giving the haters a chance to reconsider by explaining more of the story, how your characters were given the powers, etc etc. Honestly, thinking about it more, that breathing issue was pretty confusing, and the pendant was a little... Unnecessary.
I'm curious to see where the story goes, and more of an explanation of your characters, and how the Golems came to be.
3225577 I only have one thing to say to you; Yes...
3225577
Yes I could have, but did I not say that I was in no mood to pull my punches? Things like that, especially when they come at the beginning of a message are there as a warning that what follows might not be pleasant and might be considered harsh. In fact I think I used that actual term. But thank you for point this out to everybody. It's not like I was obvious about it. No, when I said specifically, "I'll apologize right now if this seems overly harsh or mean..." I realize now that I might have been speaking in code at that point and we needed you to point out the true meaning of my words.
Haters? Seriously? That is the most non-insulting "insult" in existence. It's a waste of breath to say it and a waste of energy to type it. This term is often used by pre-teen girls whenever someone insults their favorite teeny bopper singers. If you ever call someone a hater, find the nearest knife and use it pierce your lungs for polluting our air with that f*cking stupid word.
Being critical is not being a "hater" especially when you're actually providing constructive criticism of said story. I even said that he had a good setup for this but the execution of it was lacking.
And, believe it or not, the people that voted this down will not come back and a story with this many dislikes to likes will rarely climb back up and redeem itself which is why I suggested he kill it. The author is now fighting an uphill battle that he will probably never win no matter how good the story is. The best thing to do is to take it down, rework it and then release it as a new and fresh story when he's done.
Trying to fix it once it's already out almost never works. I'm not saying that he might not be one of the lucky ones but the odds are not on his side. In the end it needs to be his decision, not yours, mine or the legions of "haters" that you think seem to be doing their best to keep this story down.
3227889 I gotta agree with you here; I've had a lot of criticism in my past, and I was never affected by any 'harsh' or 'mean' words. Honestly, I don't care what people say, I decode the message to the point and get it done with. Now, if you'll excuse me, Imma start a new story. I'll post the link here later... :/
*ratta* *tat* *tat*
Wassup? New story FYI!
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/134038/my-little-outsider/
3255747 I like your story. Why does it have down votes?
4242877 I'd believe that it's because of how B0SS I made everything. Honestly, that sort of thing is good in a fantasy, but not a book. A book needs some conflict and drama, you know what I'm saying?
4243009 I feel the same way. My story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings also have down votes. Want to check out my story?
4243055 Nah, don't usually read much here anymore...
You know what you've gotta do tho?
Practice and practice.
I know how repetitive this can get, and I know that you've probably heard it so many times before. You may be thinking that I'm just like the others who've told you that. And you know what?
I am.
I am like the others. And I am telling you with all of my heart that you must keep practicing. This? This is one of my old stories. If you ckeck out my newer story, in which of course is up for adoption, it has 1:6 down ores to votes.
Do you know how I achieved that? I practiced. I continued to write, and when people hated my work, I ignored them. I continued until I had enough skill to become a professional. How?
Again, practice...
So. Even though your stories may seem lowly to others, to you, they are the mistakes that you learn from...
You can. You can become a writer.
Pour all of your heart and soul into your work, and continue to do so onwards, even if your closer friends start to tease you or bully you.
Believe in yourself, because once done, you may pass such knowledge as this onto many loving fans...
Your future is up to you, but if I were you, I would continue what I love to do. Which in your case, is probably...
To write.
Believe in yourself, and only good will come of it,
-SamMaherGamer
4243055 Plus, if you ever need help, or ever need someone to think of ideas, etc.
I'll be here.
(Or at least until I leave the site, in which just might be never)
-SamMaherGamer
Please un-cancel this...
5680074 Lol it's old and I don't write anymore. Sorry man. :P
5680611 My entire day has been ruined...
5685060 lol noooo
5688778 Make that week...