Do you remember your first crush? Wasn't it just so magical?
At last, Sweetie Belle, kid sister to Rarity, has managed to get her life together. She finally has her Cutie Mark, her parents have returned from an extended tour of Equestria, Rarity's business is taking off and not stopping, and now that she's entered high school, She and her fellow Cutie Mark Crusaders are some of the most popular fillies in school. Yet, this all leaves Sweetie with a terrible void. The admiration of her fellow classmates seems hollow to her and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo are starting to go in different directions in their lives.
For reasons she can't explain, she has never felt more alone. It may just be the hormones of being a teen-aged filly, but it might also be that she hasn't found that special somepony. When a new colt arrives from the backwater villa of Hollow Shades, she discovers a new tide of emotions she never thought she had. Is it love? Is it lust? Only time and tide will tell…
This is the first in a series of one shot stories I have planned called The CMC Chronicles. Each one-shot will feature one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they take the most dangerous of quests: high school! I'm marking this teen for some clopping and vulgarity. (Sweetie will swear like a sailor, let me tell ya!)
(Cover Art is Tentative, made by asdflove at deviantART.)
No, no, no, a thousand times no. Do not put the character's dialogue in different colors. You have no way of knowing what those colors actually look like on someone else's monitor, no matter what site-scheme they're using. What looks fine to you can still be eye-straining to someone else because their monitor's brightness and contrast settings are different. Even in "dark" or "Twilight", I can't read half of this because of low contrast between the background and the text colors.
(You also need to consider the fact that some people are partially or completely color-blind, and literally cannot distinguish between some foreground/background combinations. Also, for most people, the human eye cannot simultaneously focus on red and blue colors, so red text against a blue background (or vice-versa) appears to "vibrate". This is the basis of a number of interesting optical illusions, but it's not something you want to subject readers to!)
3200052
Can't emphasize this enough. As someone with color-blindness, gimmicks like this murder me.
Should have been Button Mash as her crush not some random pony. But that's just me.
Also i couldn't actually bring myself to read this, despite the fact that much work went into it. Colors, they seem cool, but honestly they're not. sorry to sound like a broken record, i know a couple of people have mentioned this but still... no colors. plain, boring, black text is best.
3200052 3200338 3203244 I'm actually partially color-blind myself (I was told I have what's termed "color-deficiency," whatever that means) and I have no problem with the formatting. If you DO have trouble with the colors, you can always just download it as a text file.
3213238
Don't make your readers have to go to extra work to read your story.
I don't see why people bother using a character tag, which signifies that character has some importance to the story, get used.
If you're going to drag a character through the mud, and use all the typical clichés to play up your main character's importance in the story, at least try to do it in a more creative way.
Yes, DT is average compared to the CMC who outgrew her in beauty beyond compare. Yes, Silver Spoon is not friends with Diamond Tiara as she's once again saw the light and befriended the CMC because Apple Bloom saved her life. 7 blurbs, and it all mainly skimmed topics.
I had no issues with the colored texts, but yellow, even on black, is just a bad idea. Using colors in dialogue should be used sparingly at best. You should fix that before people add more downvotes as many, like Tron said, don't see things the same way on their screens as you would.
I think this could use some more fleshing out, and get more involved with that character you spoon fed us to hate, and make her worth us caring enough to want to dislike her as this story aims to promote. To be more direct, stop TELLING us to hate her, and at least TRY to show us why we should.
Overall, this story is very shallow.
3213712 I've considering fleshing out DT some. I have some idea of why she is so antagonistic to the CMC, as well as why Silver followed her. I might add those parts in once I get my head right. (Mondays are evil…) I have no comment on the color formatting, for the now.
3213238
3213426
That's pretty douchey.
3213238
You know, love, when you have multiple commenters telling you essentially the same thing (that the multicoloured text is difficult to read), you should listen to them and at least consider the possibility that maybe they're right and you're wrong, instead of just flipping them off. I haven't even read this yet, and i'm already put off of it just by your attitude.
3213844 I'll take that under advisement. (And no, I'm not immediately dismissing your concern. It'll just take a while to remove all the formatting and I'm wondering when I can find the time to pull it all off.
)
3213849 If you like, you can send me a copy paste of your story format, and I'll send you back the color free version. I have a couple hours, so if you like, send me a google doc or dropbox link through note.
3213882 I'm already doing the editing. I'm also adding in some things about Diamond Tiara that I feel need mentioning.
3213888 As far as fleshing things out, you don't have to make excuses for why DT is so antagonistic, but rather show how she's being antagonistic. If you wanted to, you could add a confrontation with Silver Spoon that does bring up the past, and something not as hollow as Silvy blaming Diamond for fainting during a Timberwolf attack.
Keep it High School oriented, and don't forget that in Teen Stories with the Sex tag you can go rather far with things as long as you don't describe, in detail, the anatomy or liquids involved. There are many ways to leave people to see what you're not actually writing. I'm sure you can ask around for ways to spice up your High School drama while still keeping it clean.
I didn't get to add that into my offer, but glad to see you're in a good writing mood. Remember, it isn't about redemption or pity, no excuses NEED to be made, but if you want to add those that is fine too. So long as it's what you wanted to tell.
3213905 Hmm, good ideas, all! As far as the DT dichotomy goes, I have a plan. Most of it involves an after school incident. First though, by SEEMINGLY popular demand, I'm clearing all the color formatting. (Can I help it if I try to make a prose piece more interesting to look at while you read it?
)
3213914 lol certainly not. It was a novel idea. Sadly not an easy universal fix to that. Though you CAN manually add in color codes for your text BEYOND what the defaults are. So you could have a much darker yellow that is readable in white backgrounds as well if you wanted to.
I don't know a good source offhand for color codes, but if you have PS? I think they have a sort of color code thingy as you pick out your colors. I could be wrong, but I know one of those programs had a sort of option to view them.
And looking forward to giving your second draft, or third, or however many you feel like doing, a go. The fun part of writing is the re-writings!
3214017 I actually have a link to both the FiM Wiki and HEX Color code search engine. These are what I used to determine the colors. While I don't have PS, I do have it's freeware equivalent, The GIMP. It also has a color palette window. I prefer to use that in an extreme emergency…
You really managed to warp those ideas into just more feed for the Humiliation Train with Diamond. Shame. At the least its still much improved over the original. Though, I partially regret that some things I suggested were taken and trimmed out to allow only the bad parts to show through.
You have much in the way to go into weaving a pitiable and/or believable antagonist that helps connect the characters in the story to create a suspenseful drama. You have elements that show DT has some microscopic genuine desire for Stitches, after a long tirade of how she's mostly into it to prove she still has "It" with how easy batting eyelashes and waving money around can get her laid.
You use the beating down DT's sister over her frustrations in school and her failings in love to being Pearl's fault, without explaining why Diamond felt the need to just bash away at her Sister, something that gets downplayed further as it seems to be a common practice. What started off as what could of been the opening for a touching scene that could of worked by yelling at her Sister on how she wouldn't understand, or just rant to her Sister because she doesn't understand but is attached to DT enough to sit there and let her throw her tantrums, which could of helped build up and prepare us for a stronger more emotional scene later when she beats her Sister after her plans failed.
In short, there was no foreshadowing, her Sister only appeared once before, DT didn't really have many earlier attempts or mentions prior to the carriage scene, which was a nice improvement, but essentially Diamond Tiara is very loose in this story. She never really ties anything together in a meaningful way and she's clearly no match for Sweetie Belle.
I'm a bit on my side here. You made improvements. You fixed some common mistakes, only to have "like you read before." tellings in your narratives. You really gotta let go of all your personal biases and find a meaningful way to link Diamond and Sweetie Belle more in this story. In some meaningful way.
You have to be mean and cruel to your protagonists too, it's boring if they always win and face no obstacles that propose a challenge, and by contrast you gotta treat your antagonists with some care so people bother to invest their time in caring about what they are up to, why they are interested in achieving their goal that is so important to them for some reason. It's like having Yin but no Yang. There is no balance, no harmony in this story. Which is a shame, because it held a lot of potential. But it's held back by the obvious.
I'm glad you tried to improve. And you should continue to aspire to improve on your narratives, but I gotta say, I feel a tinge of hurt to see some of the things suggested be used in a purely negative way from how they were originally presented. You even added some bonus stuff that expanded on DT and Silvers past, but even the positives got stripped away to paint more mud on a pony crown deep in it.
I'll just wish you luck and hope you improve more over time. You have shown you do try, and do improve upon what you can, and even added almost 4k words more to what was, I think, just under 11k words. But, as of this moment with how this story is presented, I'm afraid it's just blatant, demeaning character bashing.
TL;DR: I have no words. Just... Disappointment.
3218021 I'm still working on it. Trying to get some of this stuff in on my schedule isn't easy. I still have your suggestions placed on a text doc that I refer to. I'm not going to let this one go until I feel it's perfect.
3218056 Well, the day you do achieve what you deem perfection, and feel the story is truly complete, I'll be willing to give it another go.
This is a very odd story in my opinion. At some points during transition it was almost hard to figure out what was going on. It also seemed rushed in said parts. The reason I say odd is because even though it has these faults instead of ruining the story they actually pulled me in more. The way you wrote it made the mistakes more natural thus adding a kind of testosterone/ estrogen fueled narrative like how one of the characters would of told the story. All in all I very much enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.
3250550 Thank you. I'm not used to writing this way, so it's a bit of a challenge to me. (I also kinda fell in love with Sweetie Belle writing this. IMH, Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle are best ponies.
)
In my opion the best ponies are Sweetie Bell, Applejack, and Princess Luna. But I can see why you would like Fluttershy also nice job on your first one of this kind.
3261963 Thank you!
Guys everyone has their own way of writing their own story. It's not fair to the writer to bash his story just because there are things you personally don't like. Sorry if it sounds rude and I don't mean to pick on anyone in particular or be insulting, but if someone writes in a way you don't like, then tough!
That's just how things operate. If you have constructive criticism, that's great and it's also very helpful. But you don't have a right to dictate to other authors how to write their own stories because you personally don't like them. Imagine telling JK Rowling to change the Harry Potter series because you personally don't like it. That would just be absurd. Let the man write his story how he wants! Again, I mean no disrespect to anyone in particular, I just wanted to throw my two cents in 
3269596 Thanks for the comment!
How did you like the story?
3280772 It's pretty interesting. I'm automatically attracted to any story that includes the concept of Scootaloo, Sweetie bell or Applebloom grown up. It's sometimes hard for writers, including myself, to predict what they would be like grown up since we only have a faint idea of how they act now as fillies. That being said, I think you handled that quite well. I'm usually against the cliche high school drama plot, but ever since Equestria Girls, I've kinda learned to get over it. Overall, it was pretty good. There are some bits that seemed rushed but like someone else said, it sorta mixed well with the youthful perspective of things. Also, I probably would've split the story into a few chapters instead of one huge 20,000 word story, but that's your decision, not mine and it sometimes makes the story better. Other than that, good job
I was attracted to the beginning of the story
The CMC in teenagers, how other colts like them 
but then 
Ship and....Spoon...OK that's it. I'm reconsidering should I continue or thumb down 
I would continue, but I wouldn't want to 
catch something like this again 
sorry if this is offensive 
Aww I was hoping for it to continue a bit more. But great story nonetheless.
This story is great, but i always get lost because your adding stuff in different sections, do you think you could put this into seerate chapters
3281482 Thanks for the comment. I agree that I should have split this up into separate chapters. When I was writing this, the idea of a one-shot kept crawling through my head and I didn't want an installment piece. I'm now beginning to think that isn't possible with what I want to say about the CMC. The next one, starring Apple Bloom, will be installments.
3292953 I solemnly swear to not begin shipping any canon characters unless that shipping has at least some resounding popularity among the fandom.
3304841 <Mil gracie!> There'll be more, but the centerpiece will include Apple Bloom and Scootaloo in separate stories…
3305076 I might eventually. My current work schedule makes editing (and writing) a degree or so difficult…
absolutely marvellous daring! um... moving on.... I only had a few issues with this story and that was the accidental repeat in senteces. for example :
Scoots already ordered. There are a few more but this one bothered me the most.
besides that, great no, amazing story!
3355198 Thanks for the catch and the comment. I'll need to go back and see what I had intended for that sequence. I thin it was one of the Crusaders who was supposed top speak, not Scoots…
SW ref. Very classy for a clop.
3571675 I thank you, I prefer erotica over straight up porn so that's how I wrote this. By the way, is there an erotic version of clop?
I hope you are typing more.
And would u email me i would like your help with a ptoject im starting. If you do it would be much apreciated.
3735791 I type when I can, which isn't often. Using public resources is the pits, I tell you!
So Pearl is DT's older sister?
She acts like a younger sister would in my eyes.
Anyway great story and hope to see more of your work!
4326205 Yeah, Pearl is DT's older sister. The reason why she acts younger is because she has Down's Syndrome. She has higher functionality than most Down's sufferers, but it has left her maturity stunted.
4327352
Okay I probably should've noticed that.
4329229
did you just split 1 long in 6 smaller chapters?
4607630 Yes, I did. I'm still doing the editing for the rest of the story. So, there should be more chapters upcoming.
Why does it say this story is complete?
4607869 It was complete until I started breaking the story in chapters. I was getting some complaints about the story being too long. (20,000+ words and a single chapter. Can you say, wall o' text?)
4607907 so if I wait a few days the whole story will come out complete?
4607943 Actually, try around 4PM CST. If all goes well, mind you…
3213914
cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/wong/weightlifting2_douchebag.jpg
10/10 you have achieved Carrot Top on the douche scale.
Anyways, what else can I say?
Canon x OC self insert? Check.
Wankery of the highest proportions? Cheeeck!
Also, in response to your OC's troubled backstory:
i.imgur.com/7pS7LEp.png
3.14/10 would not let this story hakuna my tatas.
4608410 Meh.
I guess Diamond Tiara is gonna attack again?
I can guess so many Endings alone by the last sentence.
(I love it)