1 Only the Lonely
If music be the food of love, play on. ~ William Shakespeare
The young filly had been awake for more than hour when a sing song voice pealed from downstairs to wake up. Sweetie Belle loved her mother, Pearl, even when she was singing on and on about cookies. Still, she was quite comfortable in her bed, the sheets still warm and fluffy after a night of record low temperatures. It was only September, but the wind was blowing a gale outside, making it even colder. Still, she didn't want to miss school. She would see all friends there and even get to see some of her favorite teachers.
She got out of bed and stretched. Her mane, which in recent years had grown nearly as long as her sister’s, curled around on the floor while she bent low to work out the kinks in her legs. With that done, she grabbed a towel from her closet and took a shower. The warm spray was ever so inviting. If a djinn were to appear, here and now, to grant her wishes, one of the first things she would wish for was a never ending hot shower. She thought she could live with the wrinkles if it meant staying in the warming spray the rest of her life.
"Sweetie Belle, are you drowning in there? Some of us need to use that water, too." called Rarity from the other side of Sweetie Belle's bedroom door.
“♪Almost done!♪” she sang back.
Annoyed that she was disrupted in the midst of her revelry, Sweetie Belle closes the faucets, shutting the water off. She thoroughly dries off her coat and then runs a comb through her mane before patting it dry. From below, the inviting scent of cinnamon toast wafts in, making her hungry. The filly grabs her school bags with a burst of magic and opens her door manually to go downstairs.
In the kitchen, where her father, Magnum, is sitting at the table, munching on the sweet confection and slugging down a large mug of coffee. He greets her with a nod as she sits down to eat. Her mother is dancing around the kitchen, as nonchalant about heated surfaces and adjacent obstacles as anypony can be. She slides her daughter’s breakfast plate with a flourish then resumes her saltation about the room.
“Does she have to do that?” Sweetie Belle asks of her mother’s gyrations.
“Not really,” her father answers, “but it makes your mother happy, so try not to discourage her.”
“Seriously, Sweetie, Mother is an excellent dancer! It's no wonder she and Father have been on the road so often. They make such an excellent pair of huskers.”
“♪Street performers!♪” her mother corrects.
“♪What-ever!♪” Sweetie retorts before downing her toast and milk.
“Sweetie, you should get going! School starts in twenty minutes!” Rarity exclaimed.
Draining the last of her glass, Sweetie Belle trots out of the kitchen; she heads for the front door, strapping her school bag on. She is opening the door when a familiar glow of magic appears and wraps a fashionable scarf around her neck.
“Mother will worry if you catch a cold. In this weather, even a thickened winter coat will do you no good.” Rarity explains.
“I should probably put on a cloak or something if that's cold, too. Might be good to keep the snow off, you know?” adds Sweetie Belle.
“An excellent idea! If only I had the time to make one…” laments the elder sister.
“No need, Sis,” Sweetie said, pulling out a scarlet cloak from among the assorted winter gear gathered by the door, “I can just take this.”
It was Sweetie's old Cutie Mark Crusader cape. Not long ago, she and Rarity had taken the old thing and redesigned it into a heavy cloak. The interior of the cape was lined with fur and a nice goose down fill was added in between the layers of the cloak. Rarity added on some silver fasteners to the front to keep it from flying away in the wind. This was one of the few times that she and Sweetie Belle had anything related to fashion together.
“Oh. I almost forgot you still had that.” Rarity said, flustered.
The younger sibling asks, “Why? I like this cape! And like the Filly Scouts, once a Crusader, ALWAYS a Crusader!”
With that, Sweetie swept out the door, in the blustery autumn morning.
Sweetie managed to make it to the school with just a little under ten minutes to spare. The student body was filing into the building in a crush; the wind had picked up speed in the last half hour. Sweetie had to hold a hoof up to her mane to keep it from catching in the wind. She made her way to the school, her eyes scanning the thronging ponies ahead of her for two fillies she knew very well. It didn't take her long to find Apple Bloom; she was swarmed by a small contingent of colts that were positively begging to go out with her.
Like her sister Applejack, Bloom spurned the advances of the male populace. This made her all the more desirable among the colts at school. She wasn't a filly fooler, though; she just didn't want to date while in high school. Her grandmother would have called her a "loose mare" if she had. Neither Bloom nor her fellow Cutie Mark Crusaders had an idea what that term meant, but they decided not to find out.
"Sweetie Belle," Bloom called out, immediately calling the colts attention to the other object of their desire, "help meh ovah here! Ah'm drowin' in testosterone!"
"Cute Mark Crusader Colt Diversion is a go!" Sweetie Belle shouted as she started to move at a canter.
The colts surrounding Bloom fell away from her charge, some knocking into each other as they fled. The clumsy dispersal caused Bloom and Sweetie to burst out laughing. The last of the masculine crowd hobbled away, disappointment etched on their faces. As usual, Bloom was wearing her crimson bow in her mane. She, too, had taken the occasion to don her Cute Mark Crusader cape, though hers was in a slight state of disrepair. The edges of the cape had frayed, the colors were faded some, and some of the stitching was coming loose. Sweetie was tempted to ask Bloom if she could fix it.
"Thanks for that, Sweets." the farm filly says, "In 'nother couple o' minutes, Ah was gonna get smothered by mob o' boys! And just when Ah managed to get mah mane just right in this wind." Then she yells to the departing colts, "Sorry, fellas! Better luck next time!"
Sweetie laughs, "Serves you right! You were supposed to wait for me!"
"Sorry, Sweets. I had set out alot soonah that Ah intended and 'fore Ah get back to meet ya, I got mobbed. Pfft, colts!"
Sweetie Belle stifled a giggle then said, "Enough about that. Have you seen Scootaloo yet?"
"Nah, I ain't yet. I saw her ovah the weekend and she looked mighty down. Her flyin' lessons with Rainbow Dash were postponed on account of Dash getting the feather flu. Ya know how that girl looks forward to her lessons. Practically thinks Dash is a minor god or somethin'."
"I spoke with her on Sunday morning. She sounded really depressed. She had really hoped that the next lesson would help get her cutie mark…"
The two fillies sigh. Scootaloo was the last member of the CMC to get her mark. Tried as she might (and cudgel her brains as she was wont to do), Scoots hadn't acquired what she and her fellow Crusaders had sought for almost six years. Both Bloom and Sweetie saw how jealous she got of them when their marks came. Short of killing herself, Scoots had tried everything under the sun to get the most Holy of Holies.
"WAIT!" came a familiar voice from above.
Scootaloo was coming towards them on her trusty scooter, but this time, she came hopping on the clouds! Scoots jumped from one cloud to another, her wings beating at the air in large swoops. The orange Pegasus tail whips to one cloud, then another, before doing a 360 that lands her among her friends. The flap of scarlet and gold told Sweetie that the Pegasus was also wearing her Crusader cape.
"You guys will not believe what happened to me yesterday!"
Sweetie and Bloom gather closer to Scootaloo, eager to hear why their Pegasus friend is so excited.
"Don't keep us waitin', Scoots! What happened to ya?"
"Yeah, Scoots, don't keep us in suspense! What happened?"
"Well, you guys know that I was supposed to have flying lessons with Arr Dee this weekend? Well, when she got sick, I got really bummed out. A whole weekend lost because of some lousy germs! Anyway, I was just lazing around my house, bored to death. I couldn't think of anything to do and I was seriously pissed about Arr Dee getting sick like that. So, after me and Sweetie got done talking Sunday morning, I decided, 'I ain't taking this lying down! I'm gonna be the best flyer Ponyville, no EQUESTRIA, has ever seen, next to Rainbow Dash, of course.'
"So, I get on my scooter and start revvin' up! I mean, my wings were movin' so fast, I put hummingbirds to shame! And that's when I started to lift! After all my time learnin' from Arr Dee about flying and apparently, I hadn't been beatin' my wings fast enough! Next thing I know, I'm SOARIN'! It was just me and my scooter, trickin' on anything that I happened across. And when I was done, THIS appeared on my flank!"
Scootaloo points to a winged, scarlet scooter wheel with a lightning bolt jutting from it. Her two friends squeal with delight as they realize their Pegasus friend has now joined the ranks of the marked. Before they can do any kind of celebration, though, the school bell rang. The trio made their way through the crowd, ignoring the stares of the colts they passed. Eventually, the managed to get in the building itself, where the central air was blasting everypony with blessed warmth. As they bustled past, eliciting some stares from some upper classponies, Silver Spoon comes up to them in an obvious panic.
"There you guys are! I've been waiting for ten minutes! What happened to you? Did you get mobbed by the Testosterone Patrol?"
Sweetie Belle answers, "Yeah, you could say that, Silver."
"Well, it doesn't matter. I'm in a serious CRISIS here!"
"When aren't you in a crisis of one sort or another, Ess Ess?" Scootaloo lampoons.
Silver Spoon ignores Scootaloo's comment and addresses Apple Bloom directly, "I lost my math homework! Twist hasn't shown up yet and I NEED IT!"
"Is it really that important? Ah thought it wasn't due till Friday?" remarks Bloom.
"You don't UNDERSTAND, Ay Bee!” the silvery earth filly moans, “Snips and I can only meet when he's tutoring me in math! I know most fillies think he's gross, but, Oh Celestia, he is a demon in the sack!"
"Fucking Hell, Ess Ess! We don't need all the gory details of your sex life!" Sweetie Belle exclaims.
"Piss off, Sweetie, I'm talking to Apple Bloom, not you!" Silver Spoon growls, "So, do you have it Bloom? The math homework?"
"Yeah, Ah have it, Ess Ess. Wait a mo…"
Apple Bloom searches in her saddle bag and fishes out a well crumpled paper. She hands it over to Silver Spoon after making an attempt to smooth the page out.
"Oh, thank you, Ay Bee!” Silver Spoon beams, grabbing Apple Bloom in an appreciative hug, “You just saved my lives!"
"Your 'lives?'" Scootaloo questions.
Silver Spoon winks, saying, "Yes, lives. My school life and my sex life!"
"Ooh-kay," Sweetie Belle interjects, "We should really get to class. Scoots, Bloom, come on."
The trio leaves Silver Spoon in her elation and make their way to their homeroom, which they all share. When they enter in, several pairs of eyes shoot their way. Many of them are colts in their year who are infatuated with them, but one pair belongs to Diamond Tiara. The salmon coated earth pony stares daggers at them as the find their desks. She became jealous of them in junior high when they started getting noticed by by a greater amount of colts then she was. (It didn't help that Dee Tee peaked in the sixth grade.) Scoots, Bloom, and Sweets ignore her, as they have for the last three years.
When Cheerilee enters the room shortly after, the class finds she is not alone. Following their teacher into the classroom is a unicorn colt with a scarlet coat and a goldenrod mane streaked with pale crimson. His cutie mark was a threaded needle over a scored stitch. Sweetie thought his special talent may by in the fashion industry, just like her sister.
"Settle down, everypony! I have an announcement to make. Now, before we begin our lesson, I'd like to introduce you to our newest student. His name is Stitchen Time and he just moved her from Hollow Shades."
The colt in question smiled weakly, one of his fore hooves swinging listlessly over the linoleum tile. Sweetie noticed that Diamond Tiara ogled him intently. She could almost see the gears of a scheme turning in the Earth pony's head. Whatever the spoiled rich filly was thinking she didn't know, but it certainly seemed like nothing good. Class was starting, so the pale unicorn didn't have the time to ruminate on the subject.
After homeroom, the Cutie Mark Crusaders wouldn't see each other for most of the day. Apple Bloom had Economics, Calculus Three and Life Sciences that day; Scootaloo had Biology, Algebra Two, and Gym. Sweetie's day looked tamer by comparison: Geometry (she had to retake it this year), Equestrian Literature, and Choir. Choir was her favorite subject by far. It was the one class she didn't have to think too hard and it was the one were she readily excelled.
When she did make it to Choir, she was slightly surprised to see Stitchen Time there. The chorus master, Ms. Bee Flat, was testing his vocal range when she came in. He was holding a solid G sharp until Sweetie entered the room, then he faltered.
"I see," said the critical chorus master, "You have some talent, but lack discipline. I think I'll put you among the tenors for now. Please take a seat between Snips and Snails- Okay, where is Snips?"
Nopony seemed to know.
Bee Flat sighed dejectedly and said, "That portly unicorn is gonna give me a gray mane yet. Sweetie Belle, we won't be needing your voice for a little while; could you see if Snips is hiding out in the band room? He likes to catch catnap in there…"
"Yes, Ms. Flat." Sweetie Belle answers and exits the choir room.
She headed immediately to the band room, which was empty now. The band nerds wouldn't be in here until an hour after lunch. Even thought the room was vacant, she decided to search the room anyway. She looked behind the risers, saw nothing. She checked the darkened wings and didn't see him. She peeked behind the stage and didn't notice him there, but something did pique her interest. There was a commotion from one of the changing rooms. Sweetie Belle went to investigate.
The door to the room was locked; she checked it with a spurt of magic. But somepony was definitely in there. She peered into the key hole to see if there was anything going on. To her complete and utter shock, there was something going on. She was able to see, from little she could from the small gap was a prone Silver Spoon, her back legs splayed out and Snips, thrusting furiously into her.
Sweetie whispered, "Holy shit, these two are fucking each other's brains out!"
"Mmhnmm, Snips… Oh, fuck…!"
"Spoonie… Spoonie, you're so tight…!"
"Just a little harder now… yes, yes, right there… oh, ohh, Snips, I'm gonna-"
Silver Spoon's words were cut off as she went over the edge of ecstasy. Pudgy Snips was trusting into her with abandon, exerting himself so much that his mane was plastered down due to sweat.
"Can't stop…" Snips panted, "still not there yet…"
"Yes, yes! Don't stop… For fuck's sake, don't stop!"
Sweetie could hardly believe what she was seeing. Just a few hours before she was hoping that she had unheard Silver Spoon describing Snips as a demon sex god and now here she was watching the two boink each other. There was no amount of brain bleach to get rid of this image.
"Fuck… Spoonie, I don't- I don't know- how much longer- I can hold out- I'm gunna cum…"
"Just a little longer, Snippy… I'm almost there…¦ I'm almost there-"
There was no warning for what happened next. Silver Spoon arched her back as another orgasm rushed through her just as Snips climaxed. Sweets saw the two bucking into each other, the sound of sloshing heard as the unicorn colt pumped load after load of his cum into the earth filly. Silver Spoon moaned loudly, the wave of euphoria she was experiencing crashing over her. Snips was still thrusting; as he did so, thick splashes of a liquid spilled out. He had literally filled Silver Spoon to sopping with his seed.
Stepping back from the door, Sweetie Belle considered her options. She could ignore what she just witnessed and forget about Snips altogether; she could tell Ms. Flat, although that would mean getting into a hack with Apple Bloom; she could make like she hadn't seen anything and bring Snips back to class. The third option seemed like the most logical choice, so she decided to act on that semblance of a plan, with some modifications…
“♪Oh, Snips!♪ When you and your fillyfriend are done humping each other, would you mind coming to choir practice? ♫You're needed for the next cantata!♫"
There were yelps from inside the dressing room. The sounds of scurrying form within told Sweets that the two lovers were cleaning up as quickly as they could. After several moments, Snips appeared at the door, a sheepish grin on his face.
"Oh, hi, Sweetie Belle. I, uh- What I mean to say is- Oh, fuck! … Could you pretend this never happened?"
"I think I might, but do you think you two could, I dunno, keep it in for a few hours. Seriously, you guys are like rabbits… You guys are so busted!"
Snips stepped out of the room, followed closely by a disheveled Silver Spoon. Her glasses were awry; her hair was strewn every which way and loose.
"Ah, Silver? You might wanna-" Sweets said, pointing her hoof at Silver's rat-nested mane.
"Huh-? Oh, yeah…"
Sweets leaves Silver to groom herself and trots back to the choir room. As she enters, she sees Snips back in his seat, singing off key. How he got into Choir, only Celestia knew. She also sees the new colt, Stitchen Time. She can hear him just above the other tenors. While their voices are still squeaky because their bodies haven't fully matured, Stitches voice is clear and strong. It's also apparent he isn't a tenor. He keeps trying to sing lower in register than the other tenors.
Sweetie drops in with the other sopranos. She is lead soprano, and her part hasn't come up yet. She waits, passing her time listening to the new colts strong timbre. After a while, she looks at her sheet music. In three more bars, she'll have a solo. She measures the beat (the song the choir is singing is set at a jaunty 6/8 measure) while she continues to listen to Stitches voice. When her comes up, she wastes no time in showing off her prowess as a prima donna.
This is the time of day when Sweetie feels really alive. As the sound from her larynx travels to her mouth then out into the air, she is caught in her own miniature rapture. She begins to understand what her mother feels as she toured with her father: singing was a natural extension of her being. To not sing was to deny herself, to deny her very being. That, and Sweets really liked singing.
Her part finishes sooner than she'd like it to. She still had to sing; the soprano part went on for a while in the song. Eventually the song, and class, ended. Sweetie Belle stood up, passing the other sopranos as the gathered their bags and was on the way out the door when a voice from behind her called out.
"Excuse me," the voice rang, "you're Sweetie Belle, right?"
Sweets turned around and saw the inquisitor was none other than Stitches.
"Yes, that's me. You're Stitchen Time, right?"
The colt nods, adding, "That's right."
"Can I help you with something?" she asked.
"No, I just- gosh, you're pretty…! Um… I just… I just wanted to say, you have a really nice voice."
Sweetie Belle smiles and says, "Aww, thank you for the compliments!"
Stitches smiles back but it's obvious he's nervous. Sweets didn't know where Hollow Shades was, she had a feeling that Stitches was a simple pony. There was nothing wrong with that; Apple Bloom's whole family was that way. Still, he seemed way out of his comfort zone here in Ponyville.
"Uh, I don't really- have any friends here yet. Since I have lunch next, I was wonderin' if- No, you probably have others you want sit with…"
"Did you want to sit with me at lunch?" she asks.
Stitches nods, now at a loss for words.
"Sure! I don't think it'll be a problem. You're new here, but I don't think my friends and I would have a problem welcoming you to our table."
His eyes light up, as if he had never been so lucky in his life, "Oh, wow! Thank you, thank you so much!"
“♪You're welcome!♪” Sweets says warmly.
She turns to exit the room, unaware that Stitchen Time has melted into a puddle…
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No, no, no, a thousand times no. Do not put the character's dialogue in different colors. You have no way of knowing what those colors actually look like on someone else's monitor, no matter what site-scheme they're using. What looks fine to you can still be eye-straining to someone else because their monitor's brightness and contrast settings are different. Even in "dark" or "Twilight", I can't read half of this because of low contrast between the background and the text colors.
(You also need to consider the fact that some people are partially or completely color-blind, and literally cannot distinguish between some foreground/background combinations. Also, for most people, the human eye cannot simultaneously focus on red and blue colors, so red text against a blue background (or vice-versa) appears to "vibrate". This is the basis of a number of interesting optical illusions, but it's not something you want to subject readers to!)
3200052
Can't emphasize this enough. As someone with color-blindness, gimmicks like this murder me.
Should have been Button Mash as her crush not some random pony. But that's just me.
Also i couldn't actually bring myself to read this, despite the fact that much work went into it. Colors, they seem cool, but honestly they're not. sorry to sound like a broken record, i know a couple of people have mentioned this but still... no colors. plain, boring, black text is best.
3200052 3200338 3203244 I'm actually partially color-blind myself (I was told I have what's termed "color-deficiency," whatever that means) and I have no problem with the formatting. If you DO have trouble with the colors, you can always just download it as a text file.
3213238
Don't make your readers have to go to extra work to read your story.
I don't see why people bother using a character tag, which signifies that character has some importance to the story, get used.
If you're going to drag a character through the mud, and use all the typical clichés to play up your main character's importance in the story, at least try to do it in a more creative way.
Yes, DT is average compared to the CMC who outgrew her in beauty beyond compare. Yes, Silver Spoon is not friends with Diamond Tiara as she's once again saw the light and befriended the CMC because Apple Bloom saved her life. 7 blurbs, and it all mainly skimmed topics.
I had no issues with the colored texts, but yellow, even on black, is just a bad idea. Using colors in dialogue should be used sparingly at best. You should fix that before people add more downvotes as many, like Tron said, don't see things the same way on their screens as you would.
I think this could use some more fleshing out, and get more involved with that character you spoon fed us to hate, and make her worth us caring enough to want to dislike her as this story aims to promote. To be more direct, stop TELLING us to hate her, and at least TRY to show us why we should.
Overall, this story is very shallow.
3213712 I've considering fleshing out DT some. I have some idea of why she is so antagonistic to the CMC, as well as why Silver followed her. I might add those parts in once I get my head right. (Mondays are evil…) I have no comment on the color formatting, for the now.
3213238
3213426
That's pretty douchey.
3213238
You know, love, when you have multiple commenters telling you essentially the same thing (that the multicoloured text is difficult to read), you should listen to them and at least consider the possibility that maybe they're right and you're wrong, instead of just flipping them off. I haven't even read this yet, and i'm already put off of it just by your attitude.
3213844 I'll take that under advisement. (And no, I'm not immediately dismissing your concern. It'll just take a while to remove all the formatting and I'm wondering when I can find the time to pull it all off.
)
3213849 If you like, you can send me a copy paste of your story format, and I'll send you back the color free version. I have a couple hours, so if you like, send me a google doc or dropbox link through note.
3213882 I'm already doing the editing. I'm also adding in some things about Diamond Tiara that I feel need mentioning.
3213888 As far as fleshing things out, you don't have to make excuses for why DT is so antagonistic, but rather show how she's being antagonistic. If you wanted to, you could add a confrontation with Silver Spoon that does bring up the past, and something not as hollow as Silvy blaming Diamond for fainting during a Timberwolf attack.
Keep it High School oriented, and don't forget that in Teen Stories with the Sex tag you can go rather far with things as long as you don't describe, in detail, the anatomy or liquids involved. There are many ways to leave people to see what you're not actually writing. I'm sure you can ask around for ways to spice up your High School drama while still keeping it clean.
I didn't get to add that into my offer, but glad to see you're in a good writing mood. Remember, it isn't about redemption or pity, no excuses NEED to be made, but if you want to add those that is fine too. So long as it's what you wanted to tell.
3213905 Hmm, good ideas, all! As far as the DT dichotomy goes, I have a plan. Most of it involves an after school incident. First though, by SEEMINGLY popular demand, I'm clearing all the color formatting. (Can I help it if I try to make a prose piece more interesting to look at while you read it?
)
3213914 lol certainly not. It was a novel idea. Sadly not an easy universal fix to that. Though you CAN manually add in color codes for your text BEYOND what the defaults are. So you could have a much darker yellow that is readable in white backgrounds as well if you wanted to.
I don't know a good source offhand for color codes, but if you have PS? I think they have a sort of color code thingy as you pick out your colors. I could be wrong, but I know one of those programs had a sort of option to view them.
And looking forward to giving your second draft, or third, or however many you feel like doing, a go. The fun part of writing is the re-writings!
3214017 I actually have a link to both the FiM Wiki and HEX Color code search engine. These are what I used to determine the colors. While I don't have PS, I do have it's freeware equivalent, The GIMP. It also has a color palette window. I prefer to use that in an extreme emergency…
You really managed to warp those ideas into just more feed for the Humiliation Train with Diamond. Shame. At the least its still much improved over the original. Though, I partially regret that some things I suggested were taken and trimmed out to allow only the bad parts to show through.
You have much in the way to go into weaving a pitiable and/or believable antagonist that helps connect the characters in the story to create a suspenseful drama. You have elements that show DT has some microscopic genuine desire for Stitches, after a long tirade of how she's mostly into it to prove she still has "It" with how easy batting eyelashes and waving money around can get her laid.
You use the beating down DT's sister over her frustrations in school and her failings in love to being Pearl's fault, without explaining why Diamond felt the need to just bash away at her Sister, something that gets downplayed further as it seems to be a common practice. What started off as what could of been the opening for a touching scene that could of worked by yelling at her Sister on how she wouldn't understand, or just rant to her Sister because she doesn't understand but is attached to DT enough to sit there and let her throw her tantrums, which could of helped build up and prepare us for a stronger more emotional scene later when she beats her Sister after her plans failed.
In short, there was no foreshadowing, her Sister only appeared once before, DT didn't really have many earlier attempts or mentions prior to the carriage scene, which was a nice improvement, but essentially Diamond Tiara is very loose in this story. She never really ties anything together in a meaningful way and she's clearly no match for Sweetie Belle.
I'm a bit on my side here. You made improvements. You fixed some common mistakes, only to have "like you read before." tellings in your narratives. You really gotta let go of all your personal biases and find a meaningful way to link Diamond and Sweetie Belle more in this story. In some meaningful way.
You have to be mean and cruel to your protagonists too, it's boring if they always win and face no obstacles that propose a challenge, and by contrast you gotta treat your antagonists with some care so people bother to invest their time in caring about what they are up to, why they are interested in achieving their goal that is so important to them for some reason. It's like having Yin but no Yang. There is no balance, no harmony in this story. Which is a shame, because it held a lot of potential. But it's held back by the obvious.
I'm glad you tried to improve. And you should continue to aspire to improve on your narratives, but I gotta say, I feel a tinge of hurt to see some of the things suggested be used in a purely negative way from how they were originally presented. You even added some bonus stuff that expanded on DT and Silvers past, but even the positives got stripped away to paint more mud on a pony crown deep in it.
I'll just wish you luck and hope you improve more over time. You have shown you do try, and do improve upon what you can, and even added almost 4k words more to what was, I think, just under 11k words. But, as of this moment with how this story is presented, I'm afraid it's just blatant, demeaning character bashing.
TL;DR: I have no words. Just... Disappointment.
3218021 I'm still working on it. Trying to get some of this stuff in on my schedule isn't easy. I still have your suggestions placed on a text doc that I refer to. I'm not going to let this one go until I feel it's perfect.
3218056 Well, the day you do achieve what you deem perfection, and feel the story is truly complete, I'll be willing to give it another go.
This is a very odd story in my opinion. At some points during transition it was almost hard to figure out what was going on. It also seemed rushed in said parts. The reason I say odd is because even though it has these faults instead of ruining the story they actually pulled me in more. The way you wrote it made the mistakes more natural thus adding a kind of testosterone/ estrogen fueled narrative like how one of the characters would of told the story. All in all I very much enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.
3250550 Thank you. I'm not used to writing this way, so it's a bit of a challenge to me. (I also kinda fell in love with Sweetie Belle writing this. IMH, Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle are best ponies.
)
In my opion the best ponies are Sweetie Bell, Applejack, and Princess Luna. But I can see why you would like Fluttershy also nice job on your first one of this kind.
3261963 Thank you!
Guys everyone has their own way of writing their own story. It's not fair to the writer to bash his story just because there are things you personally don't like. Sorry if it sounds rude and I don't mean to pick on anyone in particular or be insulting, but if someone writes in a way you don't like, then tough!
That's just how things operate. If you have constructive criticism, that's great and it's also very helpful. But you don't have a right to dictate to other authors how to write their own stories because you personally don't like them. Imagine telling JK Rowling to change the Harry Potter series because you personally don't like it. That would just be absurd. Let the man write his story how he wants! Again, I mean no disrespect to anyone in particular, I just wanted to throw my two cents in 
3269596 Thanks for the comment!
How did you like the story?
3280772 It's pretty interesting. I'm automatically attracted to any story that includes the concept of Scootaloo, Sweetie bell or Applebloom grown up. It's sometimes hard for writers, including myself, to predict what they would be like grown up since we only have a faint idea of how they act now as fillies. That being said, I think you handled that quite well. I'm usually against the cliche high school drama plot, but ever since Equestria Girls, I've kinda learned to get over it. Overall, it was pretty good. There are some bits that seemed rushed but like someone else said, it sorta mixed well with the youthful perspective of things. Also, I probably would've split the story into a few chapters instead of one huge 20,000 word story, but that's your decision, not mine and it sometimes makes the story better. Other than that, good job
I was attracted to the beginning of the story
The CMC in teenagers, how other colts like them 
but then 
Ship and....Spoon...OK that's it. I'm reconsidering should I continue or thumb down 
I would continue, but I wouldn't want to 
catch something like this again 
sorry if this is offensive 
Aww I was hoping for it to continue a bit more. But great story nonetheless.
This story is great, but i always get lost because your adding stuff in different sections, do you think you could put this into seerate chapters
3281482 Thanks for the comment. I agree that I should have split this up into separate chapters. When I was writing this, the idea of a one-shot kept crawling through my head and I didn't want an installment piece. I'm now beginning to think that isn't possible with what I want to say about the CMC. The next one, starring Apple Bloom, will be installments.
3292953 I solemnly swear to not begin shipping any canon characters unless that shipping has at least some resounding popularity among the fandom.
3304841 <Mil gracie!> There'll be more, but the centerpiece will include Apple Bloom and Scootaloo in separate stories…
3305076 I might eventually. My current work schedule makes editing (and writing) a degree or so difficult…
absolutely marvellous daring! um... moving on.... I only had a few issues with this story and that was the accidental repeat in senteces. for example :
Scoots already ordered. There are a few more but this one bothered me the most.
besides that, great no, amazing story!
3355198 Thanks for the catch and the comment. I'll need to go back and see what I had intended for that sequence. I thin it was one of the Crusaders who was supposed top speak, not Scoots…
SW ref. Very classy for a clop.
3571675 I thank you, I prefer erotica over straight up porn so that's how I wrote this. By the way, is there an erotic version of clop?
I hope you are typing more.
And would u email me i would like your help with a ptoject im starting. If you do it would be much apreciated.
3735791 I type when I can, which isn't often. Using public resources is the pits, I tell you!
So Pearl is DT's older sister?
She acts like a younger sister would in my eyes.
Anyway great story and hope to see more of your work!
4326205 Yeah, Pearl is DT's older sister. The reason why she acts younger is because she has Down's Syndrome. She has higher functionality than most Down's sufferers, but it has left her maturity stunted.
4327352
Okay I probably should've noticed that.
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