Twilight has fallen for an alicorn that has moved into Ponyville. But once they fall in love, they are involved in the plot for an ancient alicorn enemy to return much stronger than any other, even stronger than Luna or Celestia.
Chapters (6)
ManeWriter
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Alicorn tailored to be Twilight's romantic interest, everyone really likes him, AND a Knight in Shining Armor to Twilight in chapter two, dood?
Why... I almost think you wrote this as a joke... because I can't take this seriously, dood.
EDIT: Cause I win at grammar and typing, dood.
I am terribly conflicted here. I want to like, but what you have here needs to be longer. It's really naught but a+b=c, you know? Flesh the story out, don't just give us the short version. Write in some filler, like what Twilight did to prepare herself, you know, with the dress, or Smarty Heart's thoughts while her cared for her. Maybe some of the tips in the book on love she had Spike find?
P.S. Following.
Yet again, I really want to like it, but, I can't. I'm following because I wanna see where this story goes.
Erm, wut? Whaddaya mean? You mean like a madpony? Or banshee?
3162273 I say alicorn, but the actual word was never used in the show. So I just put alicorn in the description. Hope that makes a little sense.
3162460 She is a happy pony, so, yeah, mad pony
3162455 I plan on this story being a series, but don't worry, I'll try to make it better to your standards.
Because that's in no way unoriginal whatsoever. Also, I noticed the OC tag, meaning this is most likely a self insert.
Whenever you start dialogue from a character, you must start a new line.
"kind gentleman"
"survived many dangers"
Sounds like a Gary Stu to me.
Typical Gary Stu. Every character inexplicably falls in love with him/her at first site.
Even more Gary Stu crap.
Not even one minute after meeting him and she's imagining kissing him at a sunset in Canterlot? Because that's totally reasonable.
And that's only the first HALF of the first chapter.
3164293 Sorry, but I wrote this story almost a year ago, and back then my writing sucked and was sloppy as hell. I understand this story is bad, but I never give up on a story.
3164312
I don't think anyone's telling you to give up on it -- they're telling you to fix it.
If it was written a year ago when your writing was sloppier, then rewrite it so that it's up to your current standards. Otherwise, you're sabotaging yourself by putting an inferior work in front of readers who may well be discovering you for the first time.
This story really does need some serious reworking. The characters' motivations simply aren't believable, and there are far too many incidences of them doing things solely because "that's what I (the author) want them to do" rather than any attempt to make their actions feel natural within the story's context.
Actually, no, that makes no sense at all. If the character is not an alicorn, then don't call them one in the description just because you like the sound of the word. If he's a pegasus, call him a pegasus. (If nothing else, calling your Original Character an alicorn is also sabotaging you, because "My OC is an alicorn" and "My OC is a love interest for one of the Mane Six" are both big red warning flags that the author is about to self-insert a Mary Sue/Gary Stu who will be the "perfect" character in the story and have everything go their way. You put "OC" + "Alicorn" + "Love interest for one of the six" together, and it's a big howling siren screaming "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! EJECT! EJECT!" to any reader with standards higher than the average 3rd-grader.)
And stop jamming entire conversations into one paragraph! "New speaker, new paragraph" is a rule, not simply a matter of personal taste that an author can choose to follow or not depending on whether they feel like it. That's one of the top five signs of a sloppy writer who has no clue what they're doing (along with randomly mixing past and present tenses), and is another big red "eject and bail out" button.
3164293
actually you are wrong
Hmmmmmmm slightly drawn into this book
Ok your just going to quick
I agree with rainbow dash
twilight and smarty are too obsessed with each other to soon!
romance takes a while to fully understand
3165812 Thank you
3165845
Not my little pony romance.
This story really deserves more likes.
3166705
Thank you, thank you
3164472 This.
Also, the word alicorn has been mentioned twice in the show. I was watching the Magic Duel episode with BronyState when it premiered and when the Alicorn Amulet or whatever was mentioned, the whole chat shat themselves. Also in the final episode of Season 3, Rarity says "You're an alicorn!".
Is this actually your story, or did you just copy it from Fanfiction.net?
3167171
That's true -- although if the author did indeed write this story a year ago, they wouldn't have seen those episodes yet, since "Magic Duel" didn't air until December 2012, and "Magical Mystery Cure" aired in Februrary 2013.
Which is another reason why the author really needs to go back and re-write/fix this story.
(Incidentally, just in case anyone took it this way: I did not mean to suggest, in my earlier comment, that stories with OC characters were inherently worthless -- just that using an OC sets the bar a lot higher when it comes to getting other readers to accept the character, especially when it comes to making them a primary protagonist and shipping them with one of the main characters, because you're going to be swimming against the tide of badly-written Mary Sues that a zillion other authors have already inflicted on us. Shipping Twilight with Big Mac is one thing; the characters already know each other, so as long as you can come up with a believable scenario for how the two of them would hook up, the readers won't question it too much. Shipping Twilight with a background pony like Caramel, or the stallion that runs Sofas and Quills? As long as you can invest them with a likeable personality, again, readers will probably accept it. Shipping her with an OC whom the readers have never heard of, and who was clearly created by the author solely to be her love interest? You'd better bring your "A" game if you want readers to buy in to the character and premise.)
I like the scenario. It depicts Twily well and it reminds me of a fanfic I'm writing. Although you could stand to break up the paragraphs when changing speakers, the only initial problem was pacing, but I have not yet read the next chapters. I think your idea is clever and cute and am happy to be reading it. This Brony approves.