• Member Since 11th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 1st, 2015

Dusk Cloud


Equestria has become a scarred battleground of many wars, but none are as broken as the heart of a veteran pony. When his lover is taken by the remains of an ancient enemy, he makes it his mission to find her, no matte the cost. But when a unwanted guest tags along with him, he finds himself mixed up in a plot that could destroy what is left of Equestria. Will he be the hero Equestria needs, or will his undying thirst for revenge blind him to the world he's leaving behind?

Chapters (0)
Comments ( 6 )
Comment posted by Crystal Secret deleted Aug 20th, 2013


Well, it appears that you have truly outdone yourself my friend. I do believe that I am currently staring at a beautifully written piece of writing. You have put a lot of time and thought into this and I`m looking forward to the preceding chapters. I admire your use of figurative language which is something I am yet to learn. At some points I was a little bit confused as to what color your main character was. Is it navy blue or white? I`m not quite sure. No noteworthy spelling or grammatical errors. I enjoyed reading this and when I saw it I thought to myself "Finally! He's finally gotten round to writing this damn thing." No disrespect but you have been talking about this story for months and I've never gotten to see the end result. So overall I am dazzled by your spectacular use of words and I do consider you a writer of whom I aspire to become as good as.

Your fellow writer,

Crystal Secret :raritywink:

I normally don't read apocalyptic fics, but I gotta say, this was a nice introduction. Great Job!

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Brokenhearted Warrior
Grammar score: 8 / 10

Very good, with only a few errors I could spot.

he couldn’t remember who the screams belonged too.

belonged to.

The weight too much for him to bare,

to bear

He felt the creatures razor sharp claws render the flesh across his chest.

the creature's

As the object, hit the ground and exploded into tiny wooden fragments

No comma needed here.

-Very good job with world building in this story. You do a great job describing the characters.
-Good action scenes, plenty suspenseful.
-An earth pony as the hero? Who's actually competent in combat even against unicorns and pegasi? You don't say!

-Your first chapter is a bit long; this might deter some potential readers. You generally want to keep the first chapter below 3,000 words and then end it with a cliffhanger or hook to keep them reading on. You didn't really end this chapter on a cliffhanger. A better place to end it would've been with him in the shadow's grasp before he breaks free.
-Is the main character white or navy blue? You keep switching.
-Remember to have a new paragraph for when dialogue is introduced.

Notes Section

the Russian monster

. I don't think Russia is a country in MLP.

Overall Rating
Good fic, good worldbuilding, nice suspense. 9/10

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Sufficient Unto the Day