Anytime

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Comments ( 13 )

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The Warner Brothers

The Warner Brothers #1 · Aug 7th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Good story

Rainbow87dash

Rainbow87dash #2 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · ·

[youtube=dx5qgGaBMgE]

Awesome fic

Rainbow87dash

Rainbow87dash #3 · Aug 8th, 2013 · 2 · ·

I have an issue,

along with gently fondling the flanks

using 'the' kinda disconnects the body part from the bearer if you know what I mean....it makes it sound like a piece of meat and not a part of Fluttershy/Dash try using 'her' 'the yellow mare' 'the prismatic pegasus's' 'Dash's' 'Fluttershy's

another thing that bugged me

[I am close/quote]. This doesn't help the dialogue to flow and makes it sound clunky and mechanical. The use of this bad boy > ' can help that. For example If you are going to write someone saying:
"I am in love with her, it is a wonderful feeling," you would write it
"I'm in love with her, it's a wonderful feeling,"

briantherat

briantherat #4 · Aug 8th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Beautiful story, with some minor spellcheck and grammar check needed. But still beautiful!

TheDocTorShy

TheDocTorShy #5 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · ·

3008185
Thank you. I will work on that kind of stuff!

Firefan645

Firefan645 #6 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · ·

Damn, I was HOPING that you would put "Anywhere" in the description!

niegel22

niegel22 #7 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · ·

I like this, but can you do a couple of quick spellchecks and stuff? A few things threw me off.

Firefan645

Firefan645 #8 · Aug 8th, 2013 · · ·

Rainbow moved one of her hooves from the side of Fluttershy's cheek, sliding past the neck and onto the chest. Slowly making circles and rubbing the chest lightly before going to her goal.

I read goal as goat. Don't know why, I just did.

Now, this story is very...... awkward. By the time I got to the sex part,I didn't notice it. The descriptive paragraphs are way too short. More detail is good to add.

The talking was also a bit awkward. You kept using the same words too much and too frequently. It didn't feel believable, and there should be more words to...... fuck I don't know, describe who's talking other than using "Dash, RD, Rainbow, Fluttershy", like "The rainbow maned pony, cyan coated mare, brash(or loyal) pegasus, the pink maned pony, yellow coated mare, shy pony.

The talking was missing punctuation, misspelled (or different way of writing it) words were in a bit of phrases, and took me away from the story. I actually said, in my head, "Fluttershy is...... ep? Wait, what?"

It was an okay read, mind you. You just need to add more detail, fix punctuation, grammar, and consistency, and you should be good.

....It took me a while to type this, simply because I couldn't think of descriptive words. Apparently, I can't words!