Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm a great writer and am good at what I do. And then I realize I'm not and I'm all like "Oh, gosh, better try again"
Naval officer Colby Stone is a lieutenant commander aboard the destroyer USS Sampson, he's just a promotion away from captaining his own ship, but during a horrible night at sea the destroyer's caught in a whirlpool no one knows what's on the other side of this "whirlpool"
When Colby awakes he finds himself stranded on the empty beaches... Of equestria...
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Ok... the summary... If I see errors in the summary I tend to wonder if the rest of the story will be good. So a couple things
1) Capitalize his last name
2) There is no rank in the Navy called Lieutenant Officer, he is either a Lieutenant (Junior Grade), Lieutenant, or Lieutenant Commander. For what your summery says he is a Lieutenant Commander
3) Whirlpool is one word
4) Equestria is capitalized
Y'know, not everybody knows this information. The 'duh' comes off as ... condescending. Just a thought.
2999952 Town's name is one word if captions have taught us anything, and as a proper location name, it requires a capital letter. I believe the same rules applies to the 'E' in 'Earth', as a result. The story's premise interests me, so I fav-tracked it, gave it my upthumb, but I hope the author addresses the grammer issues...
Read it... yeah it needs some work. I think it might be good if you went looking for help from groups that center around navies such as Battleships.
2999970
Earth with a capital E is the planet, the use of "The" before the name is somewhat optional
earth with a lower case e is dirt.
And I agree there is potential here, it just needs to be worked on
Biggest gripe I have is that he wouldn't "cock" the gun after firing. The Navy standard issue sidearm is the M9, which reloads itself after each round is fired. Doing what you had him do, he just wasted a round by ejecting it.
Seems interesting enough. I will favorite it.
The reason behind this is because I don't whine and complain about a few grammar errors or a screw up with a detail like him cocking the gun and messing up the ranks (you know who you are).
3000396 Just putting out some constructive criticism man. Nothing more, nothing less. No need to give it a negative light.
My sincere apologies for any inaccuracies, new writer, I enjoy your feed back and criticism...
Much appreciated, I'll try and edit it tonight and work on the next chapter
2999952 Sorry, as I sated before I apoligise for any inaccuracies, they will be fixed. Colby Stone is a lieutenant commander, Sam is a petty officer, first class
3003163
Not a problem, it's your first fic and believe me I have seen much worse. Just remember if you are having problems don't hesitate to ask someone.
First chapter EDITED
... two more to go...
Comments before reading:
DDG-102: Good job on relevant cover art!
Your description might look better like this:
Naval officer Colby Stone is a Lieutenant Commander aboard the destroyer USS Sampson. He's just a promotion away from captaining his own ship, but during a horrible night at sea the destroyer is caught in a whirlpool and no one knows what's on the other side.
When Colby awakes, he finds himself stranded on the empty beaches... Of Equestria...
Also, take a look at your short description. It's a bit too long, and gets cut off at A second portal...
3003513 I know, I couldn't quite fit in what i wanted so a portal was short enough to put in...
I'll work on it...
Anywho chapter 2s almost done in editing, ill get to the third tonight
A few notes on the first chapter:
Make sure you put space between every paragraph or put an indent at the beginning of the paragraph. Otherwise, it all runs together in a block of text.
Put a comma before someone's name when you're addressing them. Where's the captain, helmsman?
There are certain ranks you can abbreviate, and certain ones you can't. "Lieutenant Junior Grade" can be shorted to "Lieutenant." "Lieutenant Commander" is not shorted to "Lieutenant," but instead, "Commander." As a general rule, it's okay to upgrade someone, but not okay to downgrade them.
You never mention that his name is Colby Stone. Sometimes you call him Colby, sometimes you call him Stone. If I hadn't read the description, I would think you're talking about two different people.
Same deal with the ship. You never say specifically that it's the USS Sampson.
...for some reason he had the notion to bring his pistol to the bridge with him... He wouldn't have a weapon just lying around in his room, it would be locked up. Also, why did he have a notion to take it with him?
In the storm, the helmsman is worried about the anchor? Most ships can't anchor in water deeper than fifty meters. Also, "Corporal," is not a Navy rank.
I doubt he would have time to run to his quarters and run back before they went into the whirlpool.
After landing on the beach, you say his boots were shined. The sand and water would have quickly dulled them, but also many sailors have a pair of dull boots they wear around the ship because of all the hazards and hatchways where they could be scuffed.
On a US Navy ship at sea, the flag flies from the mast, not the bow.
3003583 WELL when you over examine it like that.....
Granted There is some mistakes, I will work on fixing them... Good criticism
Notes from the second chapter:
I believe "klick" is spelled with a K because it's short for kilometer.
Like the first chapter, you have a lot of run on sentences. Use periods and start new sentences, not just a series of commas.
I have no idea what he did with the gun. If it's a semiautomatic - and it should be the Navy standard Beretta M9 - there is no reason for him to cock or reload after firing the first shot. Also, the M9 used by the US Navy does not have an Automatic setting. Also, I think you mean a casing, not a shell, fell into the sand.
Now, if the gun somehow jammed because it was full of salt water and sand, then maybe this makes sense.
Typically, you spell out small numbers. I don't know what the exact rule is, but if it's a single digit (two, for example) it looks weird as a number in the middle of a sentence.
"Pacific" should be capitalized.
here you go sugarcube Capitalize "here." Also, put a comma before "sugarcube."
Where in the hay are we going to keep them twilight? Capitalize "Twilight." Also, put a comma before it.
I had to read through a second time to realize that Sam is female. Not sure if I wasn't paying attention or you were unclear.
And again, make sure you either put space between paragraphs or indent them.
3003682 Aye Aye
ALSO... if anyone is in the slightest interested in editing... please PM me
Aw a short chapter!
xD
3064891 I see you got what I did there... Sorry for the small chapter I'm only on weekly and usually in late hours (I prefer the dark) anywho, I'll make up for it with this next chapter... (The reason it was short was because I was too tired to write a lot...)
Also I'd like to thank all of the people (or daleks... Or horses...) the liked and favoritied this story, it means a lot, this story does have a lot of small bumps in the road and such, I appreciate it...
For all you who disliked it for no apparent reason... There's a cat stuck in the toilet for you...
My reactions throughout the chapter.
3087125 I-I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult but ill take it as a compliment...
3087229 you should take it as a compliment, I did take the time to like and favorite the story so I can keep track of it. Might not seem like much but I see much potential in this :3
3087232 thanks... Not many people do... I get told what I'm doing wrong and that I need to fix it but no one ever says if they like it or not... *insert shrug here* Oh well... I only said I was confused by some of the expressions nothing much, you can never tell if someone sends you this :) if there happy... Or high... Or maybe they just ran over a bunch of fireworks and there was a Hugh firework show..
Anyways thanks again... I'll work on that next chapter
Okay... im a working on the next chapter
Whoes up for nuclear cruise missiles
Nukes sound fun but a working battle ship sounds better
is stone the only guy that woke up on the beach of equestria or is there anyone else?
this is realy good so far
Just take your time dude.
3767044
lol ikr, it would be nice if the destroyer was intact beached somewhere out of the pony’s reach
man i hope a human missile cruiser appears *intact* and in working order with a crew and blows those “equestrian elite” up
hay if you can do continue this its a good fic