The a fleet of ships got sucked into a whirlpool and moved into a land of ponies. Now they have to brave themselves and save the ponies from the organization Global Pony Liberation Front(GPLF).
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 27th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 28th, 2015
cellum95
World of Tanks player(ironically same as my username here), FimFiction author and viewers, WarThunder player(still the same username) and etc.
cellum95
Joined 27th Sep, 2013 ·
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A few things here and there.
For one thing, it's grammatically correct to italicize the ship's names (and it just looks nicer). i'm kind of just skimming right now as i'm in a rush. I'll come back and read it in further detail. Overall, not too bad.
Save stuff like this for the author's notes.
Try using horizontal rues to show breaks. If you must show the location, time, etc. show it in a more...formal way.
Ex: USS George Washington
That same time.
or something along the lines of that.
3271117Thank you I will heed your suggestions.
3272034
Also, try to join and add groups. I can do it for this one to show you.
3272104Thanks. *First trial on fire for groups*How do you create a group though?
3272111
Slow down, mate. You just got here. Take my advice and take it slow. I'll add this to a couple groups to who you. To add to a group, you have to join it first.
3272151Ok.
3272159
Adding it to groups will increase the number of people who see it. They, in turn, can also help you. I can also add this to the appropriate groups I'm in.
3272172Sure, do must you want.
Chapter 3 is still not finish, but I will give my best shot to finish because I posted this chapters before my 2nd Quarter exams. I will edit Chapter 3 after the exams. :)
Don't be surprised if you catch flak. That's kind of how a first story is supposed to be (usually). You learn and write another one.
3272189Actually, this my 2nd story that is because my first one is an epic failure with a lot grammatical errors. This one is improved.
3272200
Ah, I figured it was a bit better for one who joined in a day. Still, don't expect this to be a massive win. Just, keep coming up with ideas and learning. If you want, I can also pre-read for you. My main advice is to just read some other war fics (or war books in general) to get a good feel for things. Or, if it's on something else other than military, something similar to that.
3272208I still need to this blog because I'm new to it. However, I love the military, so that's why I created these stories, blending past and present, and to add a little description about it. And yes, I'm still doing my best of not having grammatical errors and what not.
3272218
Well, i'm here to help if you need it. Feel free to come and ask anything.
3272224Sure.
3272225
Also, choose a main character and a few more categories.
3272233In due respect sir,but the there is no main characters here. This means, this is a neutral story, so it could revolve in every character presented in the chapters. But I'm also adding categories for just one thing, the very plot of the story. But I'm now adding a few categories in the story.
3272256
Well, alright. It's up to you. Just keep writing and getting better and you'll do better. And like I said, read other stuff. Good ones to pick up what they do, bad ones to see what not to do, stories that pertain to your genre.
Like me, I did a crossover with Team Yankee and Brothers in Arms. So, before I write, I have to read Team Yankee or play Brothers in Arms. This isn't really a cross, so you've got that extra freedom. Still, read something like, say Tom Clancy, to get into the groove of writing good military works.
3272278I agree on your suggestion sir. But I'm now thinking, who will be the leader of the GPLF. I got it from my homelands(Philippine) Islamic Group, the MILF(Moro Islamic Liberation Front). It's a break-away group from the MNLF(Moro National Liberation Front).
3272291
Just keep thinking and keep and open mind.
3272360Sure thing. And uh, did you happen to read Chapter 1 and saw the '...ships appeared in an alien-like entrance.'?
3272371
Like I said, I skimmed mostly. With me, when I started writing, I read less and less fics. It seems like the average Military in Equestria fic. It's ok. Still, keep coming up with original ideas.
The biggest thing wrong with your writing is that you keep switching back and forth between past and present tense.
You seem to know a lot about the Navy and ships, although "Private" is not a Navy rank.
I'm seeing character names from the movie Battleship, but I'm not sure if this is a crossover or what.
I think it's pretty clear that English isn't your first language. Keep practicing your writing and you'll get a lot better.
3272616Tnx man
3272764
One other thing, what exactly is the time period the ships were plucked from?
3272909Actually, in due respect, I actually blended past and present. I have the Iowa-class Battleships in the 1980's while the 3 other ships are later than the Battleships itself. And moved them in a fixed time period.
3272914
So, you're gathering a fleet from ships several time periods?
3272943That would be correct. It's just my style, and how do you suppose a fleet of ships without air cover while the enemy has?
3272999
Yea, then listen to TNB and be careful with time spacing. And like I said, i'd be happy to help you with anything.
3273118TNB? What stands for?
3273121
TNB-This guy>>3272616
3273144Oh that guy.
3273191
Yea, you'll want to learn acronyms too
3273468Yup.
3273536
But do not fear, for I shall train you. YOU WILL NOT LAUGH! YOU WILL NOT CRY! YOU SHALL LEARN BY THE NUMBERS! I SHALL TEACH YOU! NOW ! GET UP! GET ON YOUR FEET!
3273590 Affirmative!
3273599
Were there any other ideas you had?
3273615 Ideas? Hmmm.....Well, I'm now having difficulty to know what will be the leader of the GPLF. I got 3 options:
1.) Dimmed Star(Equinox counter-part of Twilight)
2.) Queen Chrysalis
3.) Medusa(LOL)
3273622
Hm, not sure. Chrysalis seems s little cliché. It's a more serious story, so no Medusa. I'm a little confused on the cross of Twilight. What is she?
3273643 Oh you mean Dimmed Star? She is the counter-part of Twilight Sparkle. She has 2 snakes from a pool of black something, and has a cutie mark: a black cross-shaped star with 2 little white ones. This signifies that black magic is more superior than white magic. In of the fic that I just read, Twilight turned to Dimmed Star during the Canterlot Wedding Part 2.
3273656
Ah, ok.
Be honest, my advice would be to come up with an OC for the leader. Also, any other stories you were thinking of?
3273667 I was thinking a new story after this one. It's called Pacific Rim, and it will use the same characters in the movie in the same name. Only, 4 Jaegers will be there: Striker Eureka, Gipsy Danger, Crimson Typhoon and Cherno Alpha. The Jaegers original pilots(except for Gipsy, that is Raleigh Becket and Mako Mori and Striker, Marshal Pentecost and the other guy). Another one is that a regiment of M1 Abrams got teleported to Equestria.
3273678
Well, there in lies the problem of originality. I'm pretty sure a Pacific Rim Cross has been done (check it up, I don't really remember) and my Team Yankee story is basically sending a company of M1s there. So premise wise, it's not really anything new. Always do your research.
Still, it depends somewhat on what they do once they get there. That's where you can break away from the others.
3273709 Ok. I'm still thinking though.
3273728
Keep at it.
3273750 Uhmm......I'm now thinking of a story that different mix of nationalities in tanks have been teleported to Equestria. I don't know if it is very legit or not.
3273771
Now that's never been done. Be honest, there's few real tanks stories, but the one you suggested earlier just happened to sound exactly like mine.
Now a mix of nationalities, that'd be something. What era would it be in?
3273783 WW2 Tanks to be precise. American, German, Russian, British etc.
3273791
Sounds legit. I read a general Patton story, but that only had one Sherman and one Tiger. Several tanks from all sides is certainly original