Rescue
Colby sat, his face burried into his hands, he had been like this for 2 hours now... He finally drew one last deep breath and got up, he looked in the dead brush around him, he found a tree limb, that looked like a rifle. He came to where he stood before, he thrusted it into the sand, "barrel" first. This is how you marked where a soldier lay dead or wounded... He remembered reading it in an article from Juno beach... Pushing the loss of the Sampson out of his mind, he finally got a good look at his surroundings..
Little did he know, another body washed up onto the beach... But this one was alive...
He figured he was on the coast line, from a nearby rocky cliff he looked out at the forest ahead of him, he spotted a town, in a clearing... He figured it was somewhere from 20 - 40 Klicks away...
"Oh joy..." He mumbled as he returned to the beach, a cracking of a nearby branch sounded him to rest his hand on his handgun, he turned towards the bushes in his combat stance, he heard... A voice...
"W-who's there???" He shouted, no response the voices and the walking seemed to stop
"I SAID WHO GOES THERE???" He ordered, bringing the gun out in front of him, he heard more footsteps... But they didn't seem to quite match the footfall of a person, he couldn't put his finger on it... He had heard that noise before...
"Show yourselves god damn it!!!" He screamed, he fired off a round into the nearest tree
The steps stopped completely. A quiet argument started he only heard select words...
"-re you crazy??"
"-Reckon it-"
"Do-- have too?"
"Yes..." He heard the hiss of the S distinctively...
"-- fine I --- how it is!!"
Colby shook in his boots...
"S-Show yourselves, I-I'm armed!!" He shouted into the bushes, the footsteps came closer, he was ready to pull the trigger...
"--so how-- approach this-- twi?" A muffled voice asked
"Communicate..." Another voice said
"Hello??" The voice asked, if Colby wasn't scared before he certainly was now... Even his old DI didn't seem as scary as this was turning out to be
"Show yourselves and I WON'T shoot you..." Colby responded, it seemed like the only thing he could do was threaten it...
"O-okay... We'll come peacefully... Just don't shoot us..." The voice asked again
He still held the gun at firing position, he nearly fired another round off when he saw what walked through the bushes...
"Holy shit!!!!! What the hell is going on!!!!" Colby shouted as a purple unicorn with wings revealed itself from the bushes, soon followed by 2 Pegasus and 2 normal... Horses? And a unicorn...
"Y-you talk..." Colby said he set his gun in its holster and his hand on the hilt of his knife
"Pfffft yeah... All ponies talk in equestria..." The cyan Pegasus said
"Well fuck... Looks like I'm not even in the Pacific... Or Earth for that manner..." Colby said, relaxing the tension on his knife,
"I beg your pardon... This is Earth??" The purple one said
"Well then... My Earth..." Colby said befuddled
"Wait you mean to tell me you came from another Earth... Fascinating ..." The purple one chirped excitedly
"I-I guess... Oh please forgive me rudeness I forgot to introduce my self..."
"Yes... Also tell us what are you...if that's alright with you..." A very light yellow one asked
"My name is Colby Stone, Rank lieutenant commander, ID: 092346281, I am a sailor in the United States Navy aboard the warship USS Sampson, my ship sunk and I've not a clue to where in gods name I am... Also... I'm a human..." Colby answered
"Interesting, well Colby Stone , my names Twilight Sparkle, this is Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.."
"Hello" the little horses said in unison
"Uh hi..." Colby said, he caught something out of the corner of his eye, red white and blue...
He dashed off through the sand towards it, the ponies following after him, they came to the object, it wore red and white stripes with a blue rectangle with stars dotted along the inside of it... Colby picked the flag up and quickly folded it into a triangle and he tucked it under his arm, he got a look at what lay underneath, in a set of fatigues just like Colby's.
"Sam????" He asked looking down at the female figure that lay in the sand In front of him..
"H-hi commander... I-I didn't let it touch the ground..." Sam smiled weakly
"And your country honours that..." Colby said jokingly
"Oh my... May I help, I brought a first aid kit..." The yellow Pegasus asked
"You've got to be kidding me Stone..." She asked, a look of shock and confusion appearing on her face
" 'Fraid not darling..." He said with a devilish grin
2106 hours
By making a makeshift stretcher out of some of the wreckage the two "earth ponies" as they were called, carried it back to "ponyville"
"A-Applejack could you grab my water bottle... It's in my duffle bag..." Sam said weakly, Applejack reached into the bag the was slung across her neck and pulled out a little water bottle
"Here you go sugarcube" Applejack said placing it on the hunk of metal wreckage with her mouth...
"Thank you..." Sam said wincing as she brought it to her mouth
"Sam you never did tell us what happened to you?"Twilight asked
"I got caught in a stationing room underneath the bridge when the ship sunk, I got trapped in a pocket of air... After being flung around like a bouncy ball... Eventually I got the door open..." Sam groaned
"You really need to rest, tomorrow we can check at getting you into a hospital or something" Fluttershy said tending to a large gash on Sam's waist, she winced at the pain as her body relaxed...
They walked through the dense forest, until they came to the small town of ponyville, Sam had fallen asleep to Fluttershys account, Colby still thought she had passed out from the loss of blood...
"Where in the hay are we going to keep them, Twilight?"Applejack asked
Twilight paused for a moment and thought... Where were they to keep them, ponyville certainly wasn't ready for them.
"We can't keep em at the farm, Granny, Big Mac and Apple Bloom might see em..."Applejack stated
"Definitely not the boutique, they might wreck something" Rairity whined, Colby cringed at the statement
"I don't think they can stand on clouds so my house is out..." Rainbow Dash said, sounding a bit sad
"Twilight your house is in the middle of town, but it might be the best place we could keep them... If that's alright with you..." Fluttershy asked
"You do have a point Fluttershy... Your house is on the other side of town... That's too far away... But Sam needs medical attention and fast... So looks like my house..." Twilight agreed "but its still bright somepony might see them..."
"Miss sparkle, is there any other way to your house..." Colby asked, he checked Sam's vital signs... She was fading " As of this moment, we are at a top priority of ensuring Sam survives...she's fading..."
"Oh dear Twilight... We don't have any choice... We have to get her to the hospital..."Fluttershy said, ensuring Colby was correct
"Sigh... Alright girls, we need to get to the hospital ASAP!!!" Twilight said, turning in the direction of the hospital and sprinting, the other ponies ran after her, Colby had a hell of a time keeping up with the small horses...
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Ok... the summary... If I see errors in the summary I tend to wonder if the rest of the story will be good. So a couple things
1) Capitalize his last name
2) There is no rank in the Navy called Lieutenant Officer, he is either a Lieutenant (Junior Grade), Lieutenant, or Lieutenant Commander. For what your summery says he is a Lieutenant Commander
3) Whirlpool is one word
4) Equestria is capitalized
2999952 Town's name is one word if captions have taught us anything, and as a proper location name, it requires a capital letter. I believe the same rules applies to the 'E' in 'Earth', as a result. The story's premise interests me, so I fav-tracked it, gave it my upthumb, but I hope the author addresses the grammer issues...
Read it... yeah it needs some work. I think it might be good if you went looking for help from groups that center around navies such as Battleships.
2999970
Earth with a capital E is the planet, the use of "The" before the name is somewhat optional
earth with a lower case e is dirt.
And I agree there is potential here, it just needs to be worked on
Biggest gripe I have is that he wouldn't "cock" the gun after firing. The Navy standard issue sidearm is the M9, which reloads itself after each round is fired. Doing what you had him do, he just wasted a round by ejecting it.
Seems interesting enough. I will favorite it.
The reason behind this is because I don't whine and complain about a few grammar errors or a screw up with a detail like him cocking the gun and messing up the ranks (you know who you are).
3000396 Just putting out some constructive criticism man. Nothing more, nothing less. No need to give it a negative light.
My sincere apologies for any inaccuracies, new writer, I enjoy your feed back and criticism...
Much appreciated, I'll try and edit it tonight and work on the next chapter
2999952 Sorry, as I sated before I apoligise for any inaccuracies, they will be fixed. Colby Stone is a lieutenant commander, Sam is a petty officer, first class
3003163
Not a problem, it's your first fic and believe me I have seen much worse. Just remember if you are having problems don't hesitate to ask someone.
First chapter EDITED
... two more to go...
Comments before reading:
DDG-102: Good job on relevant cover art!
Your description might look better like this:
Naval officer Colby Stone is a Lieutenant Commander aboard the destroyer USS Sampson. He's just a promotion away from captaining his own ship, but during a horrible night at sea the destroyer is caught in a whirlpool and no one knows what's on the other side.
When Colby awakes, he finds himself stranded on the empty beaches... Of Equestria...
Also, take a look at your short description. It's a bit too long, and gets cut off at A second portal...
3003513 I know, I couldn't quite fit in what i wanted so a portal was short enough to put in...
I'll work on it...
Anywho chapter 2s almost done in editing, ill get to the third tonight
3003583 WELL when you over examine it like that.....
Granted There is some mistakes, I will work on fixing them... Good criticism
Notes from the second chapter:
I believe "klick" is spelled with a K because it's short for kilometer.
Like the first chapter, you have a lot of run on sentences. Use periods and start new sentences, not just a series of commas.
I have no idea what he did with the gun. If it's a semiautomatic - and it should be the Navy standard Beretta M9 - there is no reason for him to cock or reload after firing the first shot. Also, the M9 used by the US Navy does not have an Automatic setting. Also, I think you mean a casing, not a shell, fell into the sand.
Now, if the gun somehow jammed because it was full of salt water and sand, then maybe this makes sense.
Typically, you spell out small numbers. I don't know what the exact rule is, but if it's a single digit (two, for example) it looks weird as a number in the middle of a sentence.
"Pacific" should be capitalized.
here you go sugarcube Capitalize "here." Also, put a comma before "sugarcube."
Where in the hay are we going to keep them twilight? Capitalize "Twilight." Also, put a comma before it.
I had to read through a second time to realize that Sam is female. Not sure if I wasn't paying attention or you were unclear.
And again, make sure you either put space between paragraphs or indent them.
3003682 Aye Aye
ALSO... if anyone is in the slightest interested in editing... please PM me
this is realy good so far