"Zion is a land of mystery. The Griffon Empire's gift to Equestria, Zion's land is harsh; ripe with snow covered mountains, very few farmlands, great cities, and scorching deserts. The inhabitants of this land have learned to cope with the rough environment and the exotic creatures that roamed the lands. When The Princesses made the pact with the Griffon Empire is uncertain, but the combined efforts of both the ponies and griffons have helped create sprawling cities, both, on the flat lands and deserts, as well as cities that perch on the nearby Jagged Claw mountains...."
-A Pony's Guide to The Known World
Civil unrest in Equestria has led to a seemingly new world for the ponies within its borders. The Princesses have declared martial law to keep peace, and Royal Guards are being trained to prepare for the worst. Celestia, Luna and Twilight must also ease the tensions brewing between the Equestrian Monarchy and the rebels who claim the princesses rule is unfair. Cadence and Shining Armor struggle to maintain peace in the Crystal Empire after The Separation. All of Equestria seems to be in complete disarray.
Aegis is a Royal Guard, fresh out of training camp, nervous, but eager to begin his first assignment. Although news of the Princesses sending Royal Guards to a land long forgotten have spread through Equestria, they can't be true can they? And if they are true, then he won't be one of the many sent overseas. Will he?
I always loved the word Zion! (Its from the Bible you know), but that's off topic. I enjoyed the history and I am already liking the story. Good job! :-)
3961196 Thanks, I'm glad your liking it so far
Hm. To start things off, I'll say this has certainly piqued my interest, hence the favorite. I do love me a good political intrigue/account of the poor guy on the low end of the totem pole.
It would seem you've built a good framework for this story to build upon, anti-monarchy rebels, Crystal Empire woes and the whole rather intriguing concept of "Zion". I can't help but hope the rebels will be portrayed at least semi-sympathetically and not totally evil otherwise ordinary but rebelling ponies, like the route so many other "darker but slightly into the future Equestria" fics seem to take. Still, there's no reason to believe you'll fall into that trap, judging by the quality of the work thus far.
I suppose next chapter we'll be meeting Aegis, supposed main character if the description is accurate. I'm keeping my eye on this one.
Oh, and some corrections, though bear in mind none of them were glaring enough to really take away from the story:
Eh? Might want to look that sentence over again so you can properly convey whatever was happening.
One, experienced. Two, "men". You may want to replace that with "soldiers", "Guards", "veterans", or something similar. Only thing in my first read-through that really stood out negatively.
Still, enjoyable thus far and filled with potential. Threatening to toast a continent with the sun? Celestia's not messing around, that's for sure. Good luck! :
I have one request. Could you make Spike (older age Spike) a general or some kind of important role, at least for one chapter. I really love spike.... :-P
3966674 I would tell you Spike's role in the story, but I think I'd be spoiling the story. All I can say is Spike is slightly more mature than he is in the show
3970586 Awesome! :-)
This would look better with em dashes, like so:
a pony—a unicorn—nodded (alt—0151)
Or with en dashes and spaces:
a pony – a unicorn – nodded (alt – 0150)
Same as above
Oops.
A period between "sister" and "believe" would suit this better.
Same as before.
"has caused the royal families to lose trust..."
This sounds better, IMO. Of course if anyone disagrees with this...
"Crippled as a cause of fighting with rebels" sounds better. But, again, this is just my opinion.
Don't need the comma here.
This always looks wrong – oh so very wrong – to me. I get that sometimes it is accepted, but em/en dashes are much, much better literary tools than parentheses.
Shouldn't need the comma here, but I could be wrong.
Tense issues here: Either had needs to be has, or the rest of the sentence needs to be past tense.
This must suck. Also, might not need that comma. It works both ways though.
Extra apostrophe, as well as a missing comma.
"These are my initiates, not theirs!
"Cannot" is not a word. the correct way to put this is two separate words.
Missing comma after Aegis.
This isn't bad for someone who hasn't been writing for a while error wise, and those errors that are there don't disrupt my reading all that much. I'll be tracking this, and while I usually don't like something this early it deserves it.