I have no friends. I'm not allowed out of the house. My parents constantly fight with each other, and sometimes I fear that the ponies outside will find out that we are in here. But it's alright, because I have one place where I can feel safe. One place where I can let my thoughts go free. That is until someone comes in and disturbs the peace.
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Wow...just...wow...I...I am at a loss for words.
This a such a great opening to a story. The tension, the panic, the potential for lies and deceit. What a cliffhanger!
I usually don't have much respect for MLP stories that include an abusive father, because the writer usually tends to take it too far at one time, but this, this is awesome. The perfect mix of memories and wishes, along with the horrors of reality, God, I just want to high five you man.
Now, there is only one thing that confused me.
Is this "people outside the house" the same ponies that are broke in this chapter? And what about Berry's father defending them? It just seems a little weird that he defends them from the ponies outside the house, just to send them right into their hooves later. You made it very clear that Cranberry and her ma were being kicked out of the house, and you also made it very clear that the ponies out side were bad. So why the contradiction of motives? First, Berry's father is fighting desperately hard to defend his family from the ponies outside, then he is literally shoving them outside with them. Explanation wanted. Other than that, great start!
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Though I'm actually still debating if I should continue or leave it as a one-shot.
Well, when Berry's mother said that they were leaving, it was all supposed to be a lie to Cranberry. Berry's father didn't really kick them out, hence the last scene when both Berry and her mother are in the crawl space. Other information like why Berry's mother thought about leaving is something I want to be explained as the story progresses. I hoped that helped a little