- Member Since 20th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 3rd, 2016
Gryphon Gaming
Just a YouTuber with likes of My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic
Gryphon Gaming
Joined 20th Sep, 2012 ·
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- dubtrott31 · 5k words · 65 8 · 1.6k views
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Alright, where to begin.
First to note, from what I saw in the description, title and cover art I saw a new original idea that centered more in world building with humans at some point and that’s always a good sign.
But when I entered I saw a wall of text with writing errors as well as grammatical and logical. Now when I mean logical I mean the choice of description, the initial scene was in its own light a dramatic scene with no humans and it enters and says…
Remember that you are trying to immerse the readers in the story not explain it to us, this brings readers out of the mood and atmosphere.
Another error, grammatical…
The thing is that you changed narration types here, and it took me off badly, I saw what you wanted to say but the thing is that you can’t snap out of narration styles whenever you feel like it, you do that in transitions.
The next part couldn’t have, even if it wanted to, to be more obvious as to give who is the bad guy side.
Not that it’s bad, but don’t you think you can make it a little, you know, subtle?
Error in continuous logic…
Do you mean to say that the stallion feels bad for killing the king after proving his ignorance and stupidity?
Did the King suddenly became an object?
Who did what? I know you mean ‘kill his father’, but you are already too far away to make the scene last and flow. And when you say ‘saw the stallion who did killed his father and studied it’, wouldn’t get the idea of what the little gryphon is doing through, you need to make it clear or stretch it, whatever makes it easier for you.
Now for the verdict:
I can’t give it a pass since no human interaction has been made, but I can see the originality of the story. Now the side is very obvious in the story from the beginning, I mean that for now there’s no sign as that this story will be in the side of anyone other than the griffins, I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing but the potential was there and it got wasted. The beginning pace is a little fast for a prologue, and unless you don’t slow down and go into detail every familiar reader will see that you are trying to skip to the ‘good’ part, or the part which you understand and control best.
The other point to notice is the WALL OF TEXT, which is always an issue, there’s also the problem of the grammatical and writing errors, which are always an issue so they are not taken as much into account when rating a story, but the logical descriptions and sentences are a must, with no logic in your sentences there’s no understanding in it. Only readers with incredible attention and a nick to read can understand what you mean, and that’s not in the good way.
Fix the grammar, fix the WALL, pace a little more and add more description to the scene. Then this chapter can be considered ‘good’. But until I see a human interaction of some kind other than comparison, that you should remove, this is not a ‘good’ HIE.
This was Drawdex from 'The Good HIE List' reviewing.
I'll make it in my read later list for now.
Well I fore one will give it a chance. This problably his/her first story or inexperienced in story writing. The story is intrensting so far but I wonder how will the humans will be introduced in this world? Will it be only one man ho is accidently ended up in equestria or woud it be a nation of humans wiht technology? If the later I woudn't be suppriesed if they woud yoin the griffons side I mean if the ponies hate the griffons then I bet they simpely whant to try to wipe us of from the face of the earth becouse we are some "hairles dirty apes wiht foul technology". Can't waite how will this story will go.
2891459 thanks for the help
I'll try to fix the chapter and start on the second one
I hope the Humans will be a native species to this world. Stories where the humans are natives are always rare and interesting reads.
Remember though, you don't have to write the cultures of the species exactly as they are portrayed on the show., or stereotyped as by members of the fandom. As an author of fanfiction you can be as creative as you like. Perhaps the Griffins were a more peaceful culture and the ponies are warmongers. Maybe humans don't use technology but instead rely on magic. The possibilities are endless.
What I'm trying to say is; be creative, do whatever you like but have fun with it.
Also, grammatical errors aside I liked this first chapter.
2896399 I'll tell you this now, I try to keep this as canon as I want it to be. Humans were never present in Equestria and
*SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT*is promising
requires more spacing and text
2902305
mmkay
2891459 You do realize this appears to be a 'ponies R bastards' type story and if it follows in the prototypical model, the magical all-powerful and perfect human will show up with the knowledge of how to construct every weapon on the planet and destroy all the ponies with some almost insane Xanatos Gambit that only works because Fate (the author) says it should and the ponies are being whaled on non-stop by the idiot ball.
2904041 or the human will appear because he was hungry after he jerked off. Ya never know ;3
2904041
I did see that, but I always could be wrong, I always give stories the benefit of the doubt before passing ultimate judgment on them. And when I read it the first time, those basic showings of the ponies’ stupidity and the reasons of the destruction of the kingdom were actually subtle. But I read it again and it became clear at to which setting it seemed to have moved to.
But I'll still give it a chance anyway. Until it obviously happens and it can't be given mercy.
2906171 That doesn't sound good
The things that made a 'good' story, is that it's told and inserts you in its premise. A 'good' story is so 'good' that it makes you pass without noticing the issues it has. A 'good' story doesn't give the reader’s attention for granted, a 'good' story takes it.
This chapter is the example of how to troll a reader and take whatever real attention he or she had for your story and kick him or her in the head. The humans whole day was unnecessary and the way he ended in Equestria was downright 'wut', the Chrysalis scene was funny, unexpected and too out of context to be taken seriously. And the repetitive and not necessary descriptions were just delaying the inevitable.
If you wished for this to be taken seriously you failed, if you wished this to be taken as a comedy you're trying too hard. If you want to make a random comedy, fine, but add the random comedy tags.
I was actually expecting something of this in the lines of actual story but that got out of the vision. This story can go on into its idea but until it gets into 100+ likes and has an actual griping purpose to be, serious or not. But for now, I'll not pass it.
See ya after you achieved the 100+ like mark. I actually mean it.
2906457 You seem like a real downer
Luckily I literally can't get mad or sad 
2906457 If you read the first four issues of the MLP Comic, you will be able to see the many references. The scene where danny was spawned into Equestria was from when Twilight was battling Chrysalis in her own castle.
“He immediately spit it back into the bowl, both from having too much in his mouth and how it was too hot.”
2915141 What
got a problem with my completely logical logic? 