2017 Restrospective - An Open Letter About The Choice To Be Better · 6:24am Dec 22nd, 2017
Mental illness is something that I see every day. I see it in the people I know, the people I love, the people I read from, and most of all, I see it in me. It lives in everything I do, it breathes in every word I type, and haunts my every waking moment.
It is an ugly thing no one really wants to talk about. It is something that, in my own experience, I relay to people and then hate myself for it. It is a choice I have to make every single day, and one I’m making by even writing this out.
In October of this year, I wrote a story about Pinkie Pie volunteering at a suicide helpline. It is perhaps the single most important story I will ever write, and it is many ways the summary of this year.
It is about the choices we make each and every single day.
I’ve lived my entire life based on choices. Every thought I think is a choice I make. I choose to think I’m a mediocre writer. I choose to believe the community at whole is sick of me writing RariTwi. I choose to believe every word I say pits people against me. I choose to think and believe these things.
Hold on to that paragraph. Remember it. I will come back to it later, but let me summarize it by saying that through pain and agony I’ve been led to realize I choose to hate myself.
I thought for very long what I wanted to write here. I thought for very long what message I wanted to relay, and this is the seventh version I’ve written, for each one I’ve previously typed out I deleted after choosing to believe no one cared.
So, today, and hopefully for my last draft, I will write what I want to write. I will choose to believe this is okay.
Because I want to be authentic. I want to be genuine, and transparent, because I am only at my best when I am being unrepentantly myself.
So here we are.
This retrospective won’t start with 2017. It’ll start in 2o16, specifically August 9th at 10:34 PM.
For those of you who haven’t been here long, and for those of you who came after I purged my blogpost by choosing to believe no one cared what I had to say, on August 10th I posted a blogpost relaying an experience I will briefly detail below. It is a bit visceral, but it is relevant to my message.
On August 9th, there was a massive rainstorm in Mexico, and at 10:34 PM, the river next to my father’s house overflowed, broke our walls and began to pour into the house. According to my brother’s retelling, at around 11 PM, I left the entrance room where we were all trying to leave the house and went back into the kitchen to try and find my cats.
Ten minutes later, the second floor windows smashed and the river rushed in full-force. Who knows how many minutes later, a loud bang was heard on the side where I’d been unwittingly trapped, and when my father called to me, I did not answer. Time later, when they managed to go into the room I’d been trapped in, my brother stood paralyzed as my father pulled me out of the water, eyes open, mouth open, head hanging, dead.
I survived, of course, for I am not dead and I am typing this. My father lost his house, and he joyfully and inspiringly took charge of his destroyed house because that was much better than having to organize a funeral.
My brother, who lived his life thinking he was useless, became the hero I knew he was by taking charge of the arrangements, and by literally saving my life by taking me from my paralyzed dad's arms, putting me on a table and giving me CPR for his and my dear life.
And I spent the following months hating the fact that I survived, because I made the daily choice to believe that nothing would have mattered if I’d died. Because nobody cared if I kept writing. Because nothing I did mattered. Because life went on.
And yet.
And yet, the only thing that kept me going was the idea that I had to update The Enchanted Library because I made the choice to believe someone would care if it never updated again. Even as I told myself my writing was useless, I made that choice.
In a barrage of negative choices I made, one was positive.
Every day of my life, I live consumed by Others. Or, rather, by what I chose to believe others think of me. Every day, I choose to live by the validation of others. Even as I write this, this very moment, I have Cynewulf reading the Google Docs because I need someone to tell me I’m doing something good because I choose to live believing my decisions, my words, my writing is not important.
Which brings me to another point.
I am not sharing this because I want people to pat me on the back. I am not sharing this because I want people to tell me “Mono!!! You write so well!!! Don’t feel bad!!! Please, we love your writing!!” because the painful truth of the matter is that, at the end of the day, mental trauma, mental anxiety, or at least the one I have will not end through others. Because a zillion positive messages will do nothing as long as my own hatred of self is louder. Because I won’t feel better until I make the choice to end this.
Until I make the choice to be better.
Until I chose to validate myself.
This is a very raw open letter to myself. This is me sitting down and asking myself to stop. At a core, every word I plaster is for myself, but I want to share this because I chose to share this for whoever wants to listen, wants to relate, wants to hate, whatever.
I’m tired of being negative. I’m tired of this constant competition I’ve submerged myself in. I’m tired of choosing to live like this.
I’m tired of caring so much what other people think only because it makes me not be able to appreciate what other people think.
It’s an insult to my readers, who love my work.
It’s an insult to myself, who works hard on what I do.
And it’s hypocritical of my true self, who writes stories about surpassing mental abuse.
I am not going to apologize for what I’ve felt, because that won’t help. Because I already apologize for everything I do, because I already turn everything I do negative, and because the words “it’s my fault” already plague my mind enough as it is.
But I can try and be different. I can try and choose to be better.
Dedicated to those who, like myself, are still struggling to fight external and internal demons that continue to haunt and scar us. Recovery starts not only with the choice to move on, but the choice to move on despite knowing it will still continue to be a difficult journey.
This was the beginning note of The Enchanted Kingdom, because much in the same way that Enchanted Library was the coping mechanism through which I wrote about the paralyzing mental abuse I went through for a long time, so is Enchanted Kingdom a story about choosing to move on and let go.
Recovery is hard. Recovery, unfortunately, will never end.
But a little over a year ago, I was dead for three minutes, and yet I continue to live my life consumed by the idea that I’m not as good as so and so, or everyone hates that I write RariTwi.
I mentioned in a comment on my last blogpost that TEK is my last multichapter here. I will continue to write other stories as I continue to write TEK, but I mentioned that the second the word complete frames it, I will bow out. That will probably be in a year or two, but I don’t want to leave this fandom feeling defeated. I don’t want to leave here because one bad comment got me down, or because I wasn’t able to fulfill the ridiculously high standards I’ve put on myself.
It’s easy to see numbers. It’s easy to think get discouraged because this story I worked so hard on only got 300 views and 20 likes and 5 dislikes.
But that’s 300 people who read. That is one whole entire person. That is not a number. That is an individual. That’s an entire movie theatre, 300 people.
20 likes is an entire classroom.
And the fact of the matter is, I’m not entitled to anyone’s likes or views or thoughts or comments as much as they are entitled to my stories, and my directions, and my words.
Because the past year has been a lesson in sharing my stories versus selling them.
Because there is a contract here that you guys did not sign. Because I shouldn’t be working hard on my stories expecting you to comment or praise me or anything. Because the fundamental problem here, the disconnect that I and many other writers forget is that publishing a story online is sharing it, not selling it.
I am no less entitled to people reading my fanfics as people are entitled to the content I put out.
Because to think that way is an insult to the people who _do_ chose to read, it is an insult to the readers who genuinely adore my writing, and it is most of all an insult to myself.
Because this world and this website and so many people I know are plagued by the obsession of validation, of what sells and what doesn’t, and because this isn’t a business, and because it has made me so miserable, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Because who the hell cares if I write too much RariTwi or too little or anything, who cares? No one, but me, and frankly, if somebody does care negatively then I will choose to let that be their issue.
Because self-deprecation is trendy, and funny, and yet it is harmful and hurtful and it has to stop with me. Because there is a difference between being self-critical and being self-deprecating as a shield to not be better.
Because yesterday or the day before I made a blogpost about this incredibly exciting story I want to share with you guys, and then the first damn comment I made on it was “hahaha!!!! Maybe next year I’ll stop writing RariTwi!!!” because I think it’s funny, and honestly, it’s not.
Because it’s a shield I use because “everyone must fucking hate that I write so much raritwi so let me post this as a hahaha its okay guys i hate it too lol!!!” so that someone will be “no mono we love raritwi!” and that’s exactly what happened and did I feel better? No. Because the one person who’s validation I am desperately craving and in severe denial of needing is my own.
Because I’m not going to LOVE AND ADORE MYSELF AND BRIM WITH SELF-CONFIDENCE TODAY, but every time I jokingly tell someone “hahahah i’m the McDonald’s of writing because i’m cheap and mediocre but I get the job done”, I am only reinforcing my hatred of self.
So, I choose to be better.
I choose to write better stories not because I want the validation of someone else, but because I want to write and share better stories.
I choose to be kinder with myself, and to love the comments I get, and I choose to fight my demons whenever they give voices to the void.
Because 2017 was the battle of self.
2018 will be the choice to be better. To be a better influence with myself, and with others that surround me.
I choose to be better.
I choose to believe better.
I choose to start being the person the people who love me think I am, because the only one hurting is me and I lash out and hurt the ones I love.
Because I will make the choice every day, hard though it may be, to face myself, my harshest critic, and tell me to go hell.
Because the opinions of others will only hurt me if I make the choice of allowing them to hurt me, and not only that, it is an insult to people who earnestly want to help.
Because it is disrespectful to people who give honest feedback, who genuinely want me to improve.
So, no, maybe next year I won’t stop writing what makes me genuinely happy.
I will continue to write whatever the hell I want, and I will continue to earnestly share it with whoever wants to or not, whoever likes it or not, because I always encourage people to write what they want to write and be happy with what they’ve written, and it is an insult to them that I myself do not live by that motto.
Because next year, I will strive to be better and strive to improve because I want to create quality content, not because I want to be the best, or because I want to be better than someone else, or because of any reason that isn’t solely the fact that I want to create a better story.
I make the choice to get better, and I will try and make it every single day of the rest of my life so long as it means I won’t have to live every day of my life with someone who hates me.
And I wish this for anyone else that needs it.
Make the choice to be better.
Make the choice to improve because you want to create better stories.
Make the choice to be critical of yourself, but to be kind as well.
Make the choice to be positive.
Because, in my case, it isn’t funny to hate my writing, or to hate writing in itself. It isn’t funny, or trendy, and it isn’t a mark of anything, and if being miserable and mentally ill and having demons is what it takes to be a great writer, then I will make my damn hardest to be an exception. I will be an exception because hating yourself and having low self-esteem shouldn’t be part of the definition of being a writer.
So, to all of you who like my stories, thank you, and I hope I’ll be able to share more authentic stories with you.
- Mono
P.S. Just in case, if you read until here, then I am very thankful you did so, and I would also please like to reiterate that I didn't write this because I'm feeling bad and need comfort. I'm not fishing for sympathyor comfort and genuinely want you to refrain from offering comments in that vein. I truly know you care, but I don't want this to be read as coming from a friend, but just for itself.
P.P.S. If you MUST somehow express concern for me, then post a joke or a RariTwi image or send me a PM.
P.P.P.S Actually, post the RariTwi drawing regardless.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/3/19/852829__safe_artist-colon-baekgup_rarity_twilight+sparkle_equestria+girls_rainbow+rocks_hug_scared_twilight+sparkle+%28alicorn%29.png
4755973
I love their panicky FACES ITS SO GOOD
very good bless u
I would post a joke, but I can't. You're one of the closest friends I have in this fandom Mono, and I'm proud to know someone as wonderful as you. As for RariTwi ... lemme see what we can dig up here.
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I went to find raritwi to post here but all my go-to material I found on your stuff.
So I'll improvise.
I found you an old one.
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4755982
oh my god ive actually never seen this one
youve done the impossible
Mad props, dude, it takes to courage to type up a heartfelt post like this.
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Your blog post spoke to my heart, and I'm hoping to make the choice to become better and more positive one day. Thank you for taking the time to share this with us, and it was truly something that brought a tear to my eye. I wish you all the best.
https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/4/8/291719__safe_artist-colon-clovercoin_artist-colon-mocha_rarity_twilight+sparkle_lesbian_nuzzling_rarilight_shipping.png
Dayum.
S'all I got.
~Skeeter The Lurker
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You'll achieve your goals, Mono. Of you, im sure.
I have the artistic talent of a grapefruit, but I powered through it and made you a RariTwi image anyway, because you're my friend.
i.imgur.com/9kGhzln.png
4756008
this is goddamn beautiful phyco
and i do mean that sincerely also i really like the font FOR SOME WEIRD REASON
<3
Not RariTwi per se, but how I imagine the bodyguard would feel
i.pinimg.com/736x/e4/33/63/e433630664930af4b0186c19c589ac43.jpg
I'll take this opportunity to tell you that The Enchanted Library has been a pretty big hit with the people in the ResetEra Pony threads (formerly at NeoGAF), and we've been having pretty long discussions about it in our thread and in our Discord. Sorry that I haven't been posting much about my thoughts here, but suffice to say, we're all big fans!
TL;DR JUST LOVE URSELF GUYS, LOVE URSELFS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
also thank u for reading bc lmao im rereading and i probably should have edited it a little whoops
Well, damn. Just-- Damn. You pulled the words straight out of my chest. Everyone needs to read this. Everyone needs to understand that the one super power each of us share is the ability to choose. That at the end of the day the one person who needs to understand and be happy with it is you.
I really hope you never decide to delete this. I'm going to keep coming back here.
I don't have a Rari/Twi for you but-- Cheers anyway. I have faith.
I'm going to go against the grain and recommend a video.
One of the TED talks, The most beautiful way to stop a bully, I think it's called.
You're more than free to ignore this altogether and maybe you've seen it already but, as someone who's always felt like an outsider looking in, the video resonated strongly for me.
If you'd rather I delete this comment, I will, if it grates against your nerves. I think I've agonized about my wording for long enough before posting. At the risk of sounding too much like concern or sympathy, I think you've already gone far in the direction of draining the wound and letting out the poison.
What kind of fruit can't get married? A cantaloupe!
Why did a scarecrow win the nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
camo.derpicdn.net/2dcb6547259c2e84b45ada64cd1568ecea1119da?url=http%3A%2F%2Fd.facdn.net%2Fart%2Funscrewedunicorn%2F1496252058%2F1496252058.unscrewedunicorn_raritwi.png
Thank you for everything and have a happy new year!
https://bakki.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-and-Rarity-290749873
Wait, what do if I go out of my way to write trash and people keep upvoting it?
:V
(Is this a joke? I don't know how to comedy consistently)
I sincerely appreciate you baring your heart to us and I wish you the best of luck with your goal, Mono! I'm rooting for you!
Here are a few that I quite like.
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Believe.
EDIT: Aw fark. I originally wrote a comment which, upon re-reading your author’s note, seemed to be specifically the sort of comment you wanted to avoid. Apologies. Just, um, ignore this.
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I guess I could join in on this gift-giving session.
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Cynicism is a poison. One of FiM's most appealing qualities is its complete and utter rejection of the concept.
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So, Raritwi by Mustlovefrogs.
And a joke: what dour you say when you meet a clown with a balloon?
"Tag! You're it!"
Well then, I will promise to keep reading your stories and loving them. I will also promise to stop trashtalking my own writing. When I'm good I'm good, and I will always keep trying. Thanks for the inspiration.
In 2018... I choose... to magic a card into your wallet. ^-^
Now... I know you put a bunch of things in there about no fishing and whatnot. Well, I choose to share thoughts, so here comes the Wingliness. When I first met you, I had read maybe two of your stories... I had heard of you, but we had never communicated before that point. You were a stranger in the night with a good reputation and some dope literary cred. And let's be real. It's happened to me before and it could have happened then. There's always that risk of cliquey shit. Who's that Wing guy type crap. Buuuut it didn't really matter, did it? There was none of that with you, Mono. In an instant, there you were, rolling immediately into verbal punches to make Tim blush. I mean, it was a dream. Right off the bat! Some vibrant laughter. Good times. Some aaaaaaas... and it was only Day 0.
And how about that day at Noodles? Ya know, at the start I wasn't even going to go. The crowd consisted of no one I truly knew... until I saw that you, Rossby, and Tim were going to go. Of course, you are well aware of the shenanigans that followed. Your reactions and interactions are really bright stars in a night sky, and I might have only known you for all of four fucking days at that point, but it was enough for me to choose that I think you're fucking awesome. And I get that that means jack shit against the backdrop of you needing to support yourself. Everyone has demons. I've been in a similar boat. I had a brother who died hours after birth and a ten-year-old sister who died when I was six. The number of times I've asked myself, "Why them and not me?" or thought, "Dear fucking god, just let me live to see my mom die so she doesn't have to do it again..." are honestly countless. That shit affects what you choose to do with your life, and so while it's not exactly the same, I think I get where you're coming from in this letter to yourself.
Which brings me around the circle to the point I guess I'm trying to make. When we met at BronyCon, the Mono I saw was full of life and exuded joy in the moments I saw her that -- had I not walked my own path -- I might have been caught completely off-guard by the struggle you shared here. I would like to think that in those sparkling moments, I observed the shimmering glimpses of the Mono that chooses to reach for the stars of the 2018 choice. Because with that choice, the sky looks a whole lot brighter... and I will still magic a card into your damn wallet.
I want to say thank you Mono. As someone who deals with depression and anxiety I find you to be an inspiration.
I will be forever grateful for the chance to be a judge for the Interwoven Colours Raritwi contest, it was great getting to chat with you, Novel-Idea and the others, I cant overstate how happy being a part of that made me.
Your work never fails to bring a much needed smile to my face. Merry Christmas, Happy new year and Thank you so, so much.
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You are the one who started my love for RarTwi and was the first one to wish me happy b-day this year with the best gift (early reading of a chapter). I wish cons came to Arizona so I could meet you. I understand what you are going through and if you ever need someone to talk to, I will be there to listen and ignore my own issue (a little joke about myself).
I'm left with a problem, namely that everything I want to say you've specifically said not to.
So instead, let me say that it means a huge amount to me that you're willing to talk about mental illness publicly, and explore it in your fiction. Given how much I read, I have spent most of my life in fictional worlds of one kind or another. And finding a good representative of the kind of struggles we go through is incredibly rare. It's good to have reminders now and then that I'm not alone. Thank you for that.
Well said, Mono. I wish you all the best in the coming year.
Mono? <3.
I'm not really qualified to help here and my gut instinct is to throw all the praise I can and try to cheer you up by making you laugh. Since you asked to avoid praises though I'll try to keep it restrained to that first sentence.
I was the one you replied to that you were going to stop writing pony fics after Enchanted Kingdom. I avoided replying because I didn't know how to respond at the time but I just wanted to say that my lack of a response didn't mean it didn't matter to me. To be 100% honest I feel like it's really selfish for me to post this here after you poured your heart out but I was kind of depressed after reading that you'd be leaving Ponyfic's behind you after Enchanted Kingdom. It's not your fault at all mind you, it's a combination of life and multiple things that have left me in depression for a few years now. The combination of multiple writers I read leaving and the next MLP generation leak has left me feeling like the fandom is coming to an end and that end kinda works with that depression to slip me back into that mindset.
I didn't want in any way to make you feel bad for planning on moving on when you replied to me so I didn't reply. I truly believe you should do what you want when it comes to creativity. Nothing is more draining than forcing yourself to create something you don't feel a spark for. I just wanted to bring it now up because I was worried not replying to that bombshell might have come across as like it didn't matter if you left. It does matter if you leave, but your happiness matters more.
P.s. I kind of gushed at you that time you mailed me and looking back with this post as context the praise I heaped on you probably didn't help. I'm sorry if I came off as a rabid fan that thinks you can do no wrong, I kinda felt self-conscious about it afterwards.
P.p.s. You've probably seen most RariTwi pics so I went for a more unorthodox one.
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I read, once, than Van Gogh only painted his best paintings when he was in a psych ward getting help for his issues. So being harsh and down and ill isn't necessary to be a make great art. I don't know about the mixing of that with the innital drive, but my theory is that going through stuff like this makes artist more empathetic, which in turns ofc makes art better.
Anyway, I'm really glad you shared this with us. I made my own blog post similar to this not to long ago.
Despite the stand alone nature of this blog, I still wanna say ily and I'm proud to have ever known you.
https://www.deviantart.com/art/Raritwi-671473779
Thought this was neat.
4756009
It’s a free teletype font. I’ll sling you the link for it and you can enjoy it anytime you like. <3
You're not alone. Not now, not ever.
Hmm... Also, thank you for the reminder to read that Pinkie story. My read it later folder is like half a library collapsed under its own weight. Twilight would be appalled.
I'm glad you survived and are still here, and you certainly practice what you preach because I've never seen so many people's spirits lifted by one person.
And that vote breakdown you did is exactly what I tell myself every time one of my stories doesn't do as well as I'd like, because you're absolutely right—you and I and everyone else who writes has the power to touch lives positively and every upvote is a happy person.
And on a more selfish note I'm glad you're still alive because I really enjoyed spending time with you this year, and that indirectly led to me writing something I never thought I would in a million years which also collected a "paltry" 300 likes. That's like, 15 classrooms of people you made happy that you didn't even have to do any work for.
Legit bookmarked this blog post for myself, because I honestly felt supremely inspired by your powerful words here.
Thank you, Mono.
What you write here is powerful. It is direct. It has meaning, both to you, and in your message. I don't believe there is much to be said in regards to your wishes at the end. I, understand the nature of that view. How it worms, tethers, and drags the hooks deep as it twists. It shapes you, it binds you, and even in belief. In that aspect, that good spots of friends, family, that doubt holds.
I hope you can break free in 2018. I do, the things you've dealt with, have in their own way, personally, long since broken me in the try. So I hope you can fly, and see the world in a better light.
As someone who lurks 99.99% of the time, there's only two words I want to say. I know I've told you them before, but I think It bears repeating, at least once more:
Thank you.
Thank you for giving me and everyone else the chance to experience your stories. Thank you for sharing those moments that you find cute, or scary, awesome, or silly. Thank you for giving me, the reader, a little bit of chance to share that with you.
So thank you, Mono, and every other writer who reads this, for allowing me the chance. I know I don't always comment, or like, or favourite your story. I know that I don't always give you feedback, or criticize, and that all I amount to when you look at your story is a simple +1 view. But thank you all the same.
Thank you for taking me along for the riding. I know it's not the easiest thing. Not everybody will like it, and some people will grumble and complain, but there's always going to be at least a few of them somewhere.
So thank you for letting me share these things with you. I might not always say something, but I'll be in the back, behind the people who talk very loudly and enthusiastically. I'll be there, with a smile on my face, reading and enjoying whatever you share with me.
Thanks, Mono. For everything.
Thanks for the amazing stories, I really enjoyed reading them.
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Don’t let cynicism get you down. Always try to be happy.
I don't have words to properly convey how hard this hit me. A great many of the demons you face are the demons I face. And to see you going into a new year, ready to kick some demon tail... that's damn inspiring.
I have a hell of a lot to learn from you.
I have one special image to share. We both know why. But even as I do, I have to remember what you said.
The choice is yours and yours alone. Having friends to help you just makes it a little bit easier coming out the other side. You have a lot of those.
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Here's to a better soul in a better year.
I know you're not fishing for compliments and such, but I still want to get across the fact that I think you're a wonderful person and a great writer. I know you have the strength to achieve your goals.
I'm on mobile and it seems to be very finicky about letting me post images so I'll make up for it work plenty when I get home.
Getting out of our libraries is difficult.
Improvement is one hell of a mountain to climb. But something I’ve noticed in the few mountains I’ve climbed is that once you look back on it all, not only is the view pretty damn awesome, but you also wonder how the parts way way down ever seemed so difficult.
If you’re looking to improve, I’m available for editing things. Novel can vouch.
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Se que hablas de auto aceptarte en este post, pero aún así sentí la necesidad de decirte que simplemente me encantan tus historías y espero puedas encontrarte y sentirte feliz con lo qué haces como a muchos de nosotros (como a mi) nos haces con tus historias que compartes y te estoy agradecido por ello. Uno de mis momentos más memorables de babscon del año pasado fue haberte conocido aunque fue solo un momento me dio gusto haberte podido agradecer por lo qué haces en persona
Gracias y espero puedas sentirte bien y apreciar tus trabajo como muchos lo hacemos, que incluso llegas a hacer una diferencia en nuestra vida (incluso aunque sea muy pequeña) y creo no es algo que cualquiera puede hacer fácilmente