Breaking Ben: what do you do with a counterfeit $100? · 12:20pm May 19th, 2017
I knew something was wrong at the moment I touched it, and yet there was a moment when I refused to believe it. Hope can be the cruelest of treasures, and at the moment one sense was desperately trying to relay this isn't real, the unreasoning part of my brain was trying to put nearly everything available into maybe... 'Maybe' was wrong.
The first argument would be that people just don't find hundred-dollar bills lying around. Except that I did, once, five years ago. Two of them on a snowy day, partially trapped by a shoveled-together pile, within a foot of each other. Those were very real, and also cost me an extra ten minutes as I went through the rest of the pile as a just-in-case. (Hint: the most likely place to spot more bills is near the first ones.) So when you've lucked into something once, a second occasion feels a little more likely.
In this case, I was walking by a basketball court, not too far away from my residence, and spotted a bit of crumpled green by the border fence. It's not uncommon to find money on that court: people strip down outer layers as the game heats their bodies, unceremoniously toss everything next to the concrete pole which forms the base for the hoop. Coins which fall out of pockets are ignored.
So I knelt down, carefully. Reached under the bush, fished it sideways, lifted and uncrumpled. But at the moment of first contact, I knew something was wrong...
The argument in favor? Basketball court. People with more money than sense or skill betting on the game. One of the payouts slipped away.
The argument against was everything else.
As said, texture was the first sign. In the States, paper money -- isn't. You're spending fabric: a cotton-linen mix. This was paper, and not a high grade. As for the visuals... well, some effort was put into the front of the bill. The counterfeiter went with an older model of $100: the oversized picture of Ben, but not the multicolored ink common to the most recent release. The portrait was actually pretty solid, and metallic-suggestive hues were used for the number on the lower right corner. But the back -- that almost felt plastic. The image there was shiny, as if it had been laminated into place.
No watermark or security thread. Naturally.
Fake, and a strange one at that. With counterfeiting, there's two routes you can generally pursue: either try for an absolute duplication of reality, or make something so sketchy that the viewer's brain fills in the details all by itself. That last may sound a little counterintuitive, but think about reading a story, having your eyes skim across typos. As long as the basic structure is present, you may find your mind editing the sentence, slipping in the word which was meant to be there. One howling error stands out: six small ones can render themselves invisible. In this case... if you've handled American money, you would likely know something was wrong. I'm sure there's people it would fool, but I don't think that number represents a majority.
I still felt as if the basketball court might be involved. A traveling hustle, perhaps, and one designed that in the event the hustler ran into someone better than they were, they would lose nothing. Here's my money against yours: if I win, I take your cash and in the unlikely event that you win, you take my printer's output. You could even set it up with a third party: have someone hold all the cash and while everyone's distracted by the game, they swap bills. Well, we lost: here's all your winnings! -- and run for it. The mark eventually realizes they've been fooled and disgustedly tosses one of the balled-up fakes over the fence. Lots of ways for that counterfeit to get there.
So now I had a counterfeit $100. What could I do with it?
Well, there are both people and stores whom I hate enough to stick them with fake currency. There's just a minor issue where trying to spend such a bill is a crime. My loathing of those parties isn't on a level where I'm willing to take a prison sentence for them. So no.
Just drop it where it'll be found and let someone else have fun? Too cruel.
Destruction? I did the research when I got home. Would you believe it seems as if I'm not legally authorized to tear it up? Well, I suppose I could get away with it -- but when you get a counterfeit bill, you have two options: turn it over to the police (which hopefully doesn't legally count for attempting to passing it on -- some of the locals will arrest for anything if it's near the end of the month and ticket quotas haven't been met) or give the thing to a fully identified U.S. Treasury agent. I'm not entirely sure where to locally find one of the latter.
Treat it as art? You can alter extant currency, as long as the results no longer look like something which can be spent: some people make a living inserting portraits of a gift's eventual recipient into the image area. (And yet this is also illegal: U.S. Code, Title 18, Chapter 17.) In this case, the result is meant to be falsely passed off as legal tender. So again, no.
There's a counterfeit $100 in my residence. Clearly this makes me a horrible criminal who must be put away for life, which at least gets me into prison ahead of the pack. It's going to get a little crowded once 'voting for someone other than Donald' (because as we all know, only criminals and illegal aliens did that) is officially put on the books and I'll want to claim my bunk now.
I may just (illegally) set it on fire. Unless someone has a more entertaining idea...?
Clearly you should celebrate your good fortune with an imitation soy steak, a glass of non-alcoholic wine, and a bootleg copy of a classic movie.
The artistic idea sounds the best to me, maybe go full boar and get on to working on a mini Picasso?
4538494
But that would take time away from my examination of the AHCA, listening to Sean Spicer's press conferences, and reading
story's name redacted.Turn it into the police lost and found as lost money, denying knowledge of its counterfeit nature? First, though, wait until the second week of the month.
You could check your local bank, if you're a regular customer, and see what they say.
More entertaining, no.
As sensible as it is, going to a bank or credit union, letting them know you found a bill you think is counterfeit, and explaining that you didn't know where else to take it since it's not legal for you to destroy currency is not very entertaining.
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4538510
From what I'd learned, the bank would probably confiscate it, and I think I've been a customer at mine long enough to avoid automatic charges. The issues would arise if I was somehow stupid enough to say the magic words: "Can I trade this for a real one?" The arrest would be triggered by asking if I could swap it for lower denominations.
Practice origami? Slather it in white-out until its intended puroose is obscured? "Accidentally" drop it in pickle brine? Start a very small compost pile? I'm not sure what legally qualifies as destruction of counterfeit currency, but given how much some real bills get put through, it may be fairly wide. Of course, that's a wholly ignorant guess.
I've been doing a little more research: apparently there's been a recent outbreak of counterfeit $100s in Virginia, and there's always some fake bills trying to stay in circulation -- an estimated $70,000,000 worth, which would represent one in every ten thousand true bills.
There will now be a brief pause while someone figures out a way to blame the previous President.
Either A. Turn it in to the Dept. of the Treasury/Local Police and HOPE you don't gt nailed with the fine for even HAVING a fake bill
or B. Fire Starter
4538516
I would assume that they would, and they probably have a process in place to pass it along to the appropriate authorities. So that might be the best choice; just tell them how you found it and it looks fake, etc.
Accidentally put it into a washing machine.
This is not technically destroying, since the paper remains intact, and is not, contrary to popular belief, money laundering by law.
The chances a counterfeit bill will come out of this as an identifiable fake are practically zero.
I will refer you to the only chapter title of one of your own stories:
Oddly, "Burial" Doesn't Seem To Be An Option
4538494
Actually, rethinking your proposal -- wouldn't it make more sense to make the night's viewing into a Mockbuster? Say, Season #1 of Filly Funtasia?
You could probably get away with burning it since no one else knows you even had it in the first place. Otherwise I'd go to the bank and turn it in.
4538536
Had I known that term I would have used it, so yes.
You know, it might be worth noting also that if law enforcement did get involved, you wouldn't be dealing with police, even if someone did call the cops: The kind of stuff is handled by the Secret Service.
Use your
non-existentextensive origami skills to fold the bill into a likeness of Twilight Sparkle, then set it on fire for an abstract (or very abstract, depending on said skills) remake of the angry Twilight scene in Feeling Pinkie Keen.Doodle on it.
Mark it, then start a website tracking the journey of the counterfeit Ben.
I suggest you don't borrow trouble. Report it to the SS like the law says you should and be done with it. That way at least you have a fun story about meeting the SS that doesn't involve a ban on being near the president.
4538525
The Secret Service is responsible for handling that sort of thing, actually.
You're backed into a corner. There's literally only one reasonable out: secede your citizenship, declare your home a sovereign nation and treat the bill as the sum total of your new nation's fiat currency.
I know it seems like an iffy proposition -- maybe even "self-destructive" or "blatantly illegal" -- but those are just words. I for one have the utmost confidence that Estopia will grow into a strong and thriving independent republic in just a few dozen short generations.
I got stuck with a counterfeit bill once when I was a convenience store clerk. The branch of the government responsible for handling this is the Secret Service (oddly, that & security is all they do). They weren't listed in the phone book, so I called the FBI (+store manager), told them & they eventually sent someone over to get a report & camera footage.
Under your circumstances, there is nothing useful you could tell them. They'll probably just take an online report -and put your name on a list. I'd just quietly burn it & keep the whole thing on the down low.
The easy answer for this is take it to your bank and tell the teller, "I found this by the basketball court. I'm pretty sure it's counterfeit. Here."
Odds are the answer you're going to get is one swipe of the Special Pen and, "Yep, it is. We'll take care of it. Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir?"
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4538603
You're no fun: you fell right over.
4538650 Well, there's always the spray-glue to a piece of cardboard, frame it, and post it prominently on the wall of your house with a sign, "The first hundred dollars I ever made."
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I think that is actually a crime.
I'm not sure if stamping it with a big "FAC-SIMILE" in bright colors (and some glitter) could solve the thing, even if it is not the smart or wise thing to do.
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I'm really not comfortable with taking credit for someone else's work...
Besides, it's in horrible shape. Remember, I found it crumpled, and there's a number of crease lines present: this includes one near-tear down the middle, plus there's some mini-rips on a few of the edges. The condition is not so much circulated as clotted.
(Which leads into the line I never said yesterday when I found out how Roger Ailes had died: apparently there were internal complications from a fall he'd taken a few days prior to his passing, and those complications were partially caused by his hemophilia -- a condition I'd never known he had. And at the moment I knew that, there was a part of me which really wanted to say "So you're telling me he died because he was secretly a bleeding heart liberal?" But the man had just passed and so out of respect to his family, I kept my Twitter mouth shut.)
4538662 Label the artwork "This is what you get for impersonating a great man!" also draw a mustache, goatee and glasses on it with glitter pen.
Just burn it and don't tell anyone....OOPS!
In Trumpian America, does a counterfeit $100 bill qualify as Fake Media?
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I think he might regard it as a matter of Ideal Employee Payment. He has a history of shortchanging contractors or just outright refusing to pay for work after it's been completed, then daring those people to sue him. Being able to provide counterfeit compensation might just be his idea of a good time, as long as he could get someone else to pay for the paper & ink.
As the old joke goes, you don't get to be rich by spending money.
Actually, it's the Secret Service that handles counterfeiting in the US. Give the local office a call and ask them what to do with it. They have agents who specialize in currency laws, and I once had a very fascinating and educational chat with one of them.
Uhmn... and I guess I should explain that. I was making reproductions of medieval coins for the SCA. It turns out, that's illegal even though they weren't US currency. US citizens can't legally mint currency of any kind. The solution was easy, and there was no jail time involved. I (and the rest of the Coiners Guild) just stated officially that we were making "commemorative medallions" and we were off the hook. What's in a name? A lot, evidently.
Seriously, give them a call. The Men in Black[1] are actually quite reasonable about such things and they would appreciate the information about where and when you found it.
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[1] In point of fact, the agent I met with was a very nice lady in a plum blouse and gray skirt.
4538650
I was going to say exactly the same, actually, since I run afoul of being LAWFUL Evil; the sort of terrible person (or close approximation of same) that would slice off your limbs[1] as soon as look at you, but also never got into trouble at school because it wasn't worth my time.
(And would have CHEERFULLY reported you[2] if he'd seen you, and no, not be concerned about any labels you might wish to stick on him!)
If you are going to do something Evil, I always feel it should be something actually worth getting out of the crypt for and serve some purpose. Setting fire to orphanages might be tempting for a laugh, but unless you are also using it as part of a cunning plan to get the heroes occupied while you do something on another planet, it's not worth the hassle...
[1]The metaphorical you, obviously.
[2]Still the metaphorical.
Do what I once did with a 1 billion Zimbabwe dollar note, something which is no longer legal tender, and was worth about 10p even when it was legal tender. Wipe your arse with it.
Well, so much for taking it to the police, because I now have a very good idea of just how short the local police are on their monthly quota, and the current basis for law enforcement currently equals PAY UP.
...no, they didn't get me. Not this time. (We are not looking at a Patreon emergency, so unless you either truly feel like pledging and/or feel that scratch-and-dent accident is about to bear invoice fruit...) But my building is having some repair work done tomorrow. According to the call I just received, the supplies for doing so arrived today. The delivery vehicle found the closest parking occupied, so stopped their car in front of the garage for five minutes so they could offload, leaving two lanes' worth of space available in the street.
Five minutes. Visibly moving back and forth between car and garage at all times, carrying materials. Intent and time limit clear.
Ticketed.
Go to a random church and put it in the collection tin
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I'm an atheist, and I still think your comment is in poor taste.
Eat it to consume it's power.
4538981 Yeah, but those are the best jokes
I say : act ditzy and go to the bank correctly saying were you found it and saying that you think it's fake. The bank will pass on your report to the police, and you will have done your civic duty.
Obviously the most entertaining thing to do with it is to burn it right in front of somebody as a prank, without telling them it was fake until afterwards. Not necessarily the smartest idea, but the most entertaining.
Barring that yeah, just destroy the damn thing. Nobody's actually going to enforce the law against destroying fake currency.
I especially like Oliver's idea: 4538532 since it's something that wouldn't actually destroy it if it was real legal currency. Plus you get to bet on how comes out! Will the paper be in one piece but the ink all smudged? Will all the ink come off? Will it get torn up? Dissolve entirely? Who knows!
4539181 I also like Olivers idea.
4538938 Pfft.... that was bad..... take a thumb for the black humor.
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The Secret Service belongs to the Department of the Treasury
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I'd be willing to wager against your scenario. Bank tellers have tools that actually work, unlike those pens...not that they'll need them for something like this.
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That's not how you ought to have treated a 1 billion ZW$ note. You're supposed to keep those in your wallet so you can say "well, guess I'm down to my last billion dollars" when you're broke.
You're overthinking this. Pick up a phone book, look under "US Government" for the number of the local Secret Service branch, and call them. Tell them that you found it, and ask them where to go to turn it in. Tell them where and the circumstances under which you discovered it, then move on with your life.
To be brutally honest, it strikes me as almost psychotic paranoia to believe there'd be a problem with turning it in to the local cops who probably have seen this a number of times, but you know your local area better than me, so if you really think there'd be a problem, go to the Feds.
Counterfeiters usually do a run of fake bills, and the USSS can sometimes use a variety of samples to establish the area, skill level, and a rough idea of the number of bills passed of a counterfeiter, and have examples to look for. If it's *not* important to a case they're working on, they can throw it out and you've complied with the law.
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The Secret Service was moved to the Department of Homeland Security when that department was formed. It actually may have something to do with the embarrassing failures of the USSS in recent years, since when they were part of Treasury, they were the Crown Jewel of the department and pretty much got whatever budget they asked for. As part of DHS, they are just another law-enforcement agency fighting for money in the scrum of all the law-enforcement agencies.
EDIT: I got a third of the way down before thinking "Oh, Jesus, really?" and posting my own take, then read the rest of the comments. Georg covered it exactly.
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Your aspirations are too low. My Zimbabwe 100 trillion dollar note, which was worth about a fiver, lives in my wallet. I would never settle for being anything less than a trillionaire.
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So the possibility of light exaggeration for comedic effect, on a blog post openly looking for entertaining things to do with the bill, never crossed your mind...?
But I also do know my local police. I once spent an instructive period listening to one as he tried to find a way to arrest me for having informed him that I didn't require a license to operate my feet. The local priority of law enforcement is, depending on the time of month, from 20% to 70% focused on revenue. The good ones are there to protect us: the bad ones are mostly concerned with their quotas.
And y'know all those things which prevent people from being incidentally shot during such encounters? I can't exactly borrow them.
Well, the sensible thing to do is either to hand it in to the bank, or contact the Secret Service.
Another option is to put it in an envelope with no return address, addressing it to your local police station, clearly labelling it as counterfeit, and dropping it in a post box. Include with the note a printed page describing exactly how you found it and precisely why you feel that it is better to send this in anonymously. (Unsigned, of course, and not referring to any easily traceable incidents). Then send a second (equally anonymous) copy of the letter to your local political representative. Maybe nothing will happen, maybe they'll go back and rethink their approach, you never know. (Probably nothing will happen. But you can have the entertainment of writing the letter, at least.)
Hmmm... another option is to take a photograph of the bill, showing the most egregious issues with it, and share this with local businesses ("hey, guys, I found this fake bill, this is how you identify it, tell all your cashiers"). With luck, this will lead to similar bills being refused more often in the future. Not to be combined with the anonymous letter option unless you also share the photograph anonymously.