This is a story of a boy who through some crazy chance arrives in equestria. He then gets transformed into a pegasus pony and tries to fall in with Equestrias society, but someone is pulling the strings in the background.
Chapters (7)
- Member Since 23rd Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 20th, 2014
Cloudy Pillow
There's not much to say about myself. I'm just a boy who writes fanfics in order to become better at english since books just doesn't cut it.
Cloudy Pillow
Joined 23rd Apr, 2013 ·
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Doesn't make sense, like most of the HiE stories.
It's REALLY too fast paced, the MC is bland and react unrealisticaly at everything.
In 1200 words the MC goes to Equestria, meet Zecora in the Everfree, get transformed into a pony, learn to fly and goes straight to Canterlot.
Just NO.
2494470 Alright I know it doesn't make sense, but bear with me It's my forst story ever. Everything will be explained sooner or later also the unrealistic reactions from the MC. All I can say is this: What fun is there in making sense?
2494580 Sorry, but there's making no sense at all, like Pinkie, and then there's making no sense whatsoever, like your story.
If you want to write a tongue-in-cheek story about a mundane character, you'd better do it well.
That means proper capitalization, grammar, and spelling.
If you can't manage that, then your fic comes across as pathetic rather than witty.
I promise you all that my OC's behavior will make sense at some point! Now about the grammar, grammar have NEVER been my strong side and my OC Daniel or "Cloudy Pillow" is based off of me and as the story says the boy was from Denmark. Danish and english grammar is different and I can only just manage grammar in writing in danish so english is a much bigger problem. Now just calm down and have patiance, I'm already working on chapter two and I'm doing my best to get to the point where everything will be making sense.
2494716
Alright, I know that English isn't your first language ( isn't mine either).
But, God, you should get a proofreader somewhere, und you should have a fast revision of your overall English, so you will be less likely to be downvoted and harshly criticized by the others.
Wouldn't it hurt to transform into a pony? And wouldn't it take longer to change AND learn to fly? Plus, why are the guards believing him? This makes no sense... Clear up those questions and it will be a little better.
2494746 finally someone who gives me advice without sounding rude!
2494873 Yes I must admit that I'm very vague, but now let me answer your questions with as few spoilers as possible
1: Yes, it would hurt very much I was just unclear at that point, I don't remember excactly what I wrote, but I know I wrote something about being in pain.
2: Yes, it would take a long time to transform and learn to fly. My problem there is that I'm very vague about time, in my mind I thought: "Daniel was lying there for who-knows-how-long!". And about that flying thing, I was once again very vague, but this time it was about distance. My character ran many miles slowly trying out his wings, first flying a few inches then a little more and then a little more until he could do it with help from his new pegasus mind with very faint pegasus instincts.
3: The guards didn't believe him, there was some interference BUT... that interference could have bern anybody, it could have been Cloudy Pillow, or Discord since he is marked as one of the main characters in this fic, it could be the princess who had seen a prophecy about him arriving, basically it could have been anypony/anydraconequus.
EVERYONE!!! YOU'RE ATTENTION PLEASE!!! I've said this before but appearently I have to say it again: Bear with me it's my first fanfic and english is not my first language! You will all gain answers to most if not all of your questions. Just! Be! Patient!
2494991 CLOUDY! You have to tell us that he lay there for a while, that he was in pain, and that he was running for many miles! Please edit it to be not as vague.
2495007 Do you know that there are proofreaders and pre-readers that could help you?
I'm going to avoid going into detail the grammar issue because you seem to be getting that from everybody else.
The problem is......the problem is that we know nothing of *Goes back to check* Daniel and we're just left with a bland doll that little Suzie named. I've done the same thing before so I know exactly how you felt publishing this....but I feel that you....were rather lazy, how? well lets see:
1. Daniel.....Daniel.......okay so Daniel....we know nothing about Daniel...and you expect that by saying "His actions will make sense soon," in the comments of all places will justify that? Well it doesn't and do you know why? Because it takes 5 seconds, just 5, to establish some facts about a character, heck I had to go back and check his name because you leave so little to remember him by, he's from Denmark and he's a brony...that's all we know.
2.
....What the hell is that supposed to mean? Has he lost a family member, do his parents abuse him or is he just really emotional?
3.
....It might as well be, at least then we'd have an understandable concept.
4. The guards....my god those guards. "Hey, can I get a random house?" "Sure, just let us ask the owners." (Yes I know that's not what they say but it's the same idea) Then the owners, who are on a vacation, say yes......two questions, how did they contact them and why my god WHY, are these ponies letting a random stranger stay in there house....
5. This is a point that I've always made with human to pony transformations....how can he walk, run and fly the moment he was turned into a pony? A few years back I was bed ridden for about two weeks and when I got out it took me at least a full day before it wasn't uncomfortable to walk.....so how can somebody who has never done anything with a body move at all? If the muscles haven't been used before then these things take time.
I will not downvote this, but I would like a response.
2495007
If English ain't your first language, then work on it a little bit more before writing. Or, you can go somewhere that does serve fanfiction written in your language.
2495323 And a response you shall get! All I can tell you is that you will get Daniels background in chapter two and that the guards werd being manipulated by someone whom i expect will show themselves at maximum chapter five.
2495503 I'm writing excactly because english isn't my first language. I'm hoping to become better at the language and writing in general. :D
2495323 Oh yes I forgot about the running thing! All I can say about that is this: Someone behind the scenes are pulling the strings and I bet you know who.
Wow, people are being harsh today!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m15gf9jK2k1r8058ko1_250.gif
2495060 Guess what? I have edited first chapter! Just read it when you got the time and tell me what you think! (but please, try not to sound like a jerk, many others does.) Make sure you also check out chapter and tell me your thoughts on that too!
2495060 What I wanted to say was: "Make sure you also check out chapter 2!"
2494470 I hope you're happy now, because you and MANY MANY others have forced me to give up. I will give my fic one month. If nothing has happened before then... you can guess what'll happen.
2494645 I have given up. In a month I will delete my fic, unless SOMEONE gives it a chance.
2494672 Please give it a chance if you don't then I'll delete my fic… forever.
2494694 Please just point out those flaws and I'll fix them. I have given myself one last chance. If no one gives my fic a chance, then I'll delete it.
2494746 Thank you for being one of the only ones that doesn't sound like a complete jerk. If you want then you could be my proofreader. Please I need someone to give my fic a chance within one month, or else I'll have to delete it.
2495155 Yes I know. I just haven't found one. Could you please give my fic another chance? If you see any flaws in grammar, spelling etc. then please tell me where they are and I'll fix them! I know I've said a lot, but PLEASE! I need to make poeple give my fic a chance.
2495503 Could you please give my fanfic another chance? I don't wanna cancel it, please. Do you even know how humiliating it is to say please over the internet as much as I am today? It's pretty damn humiliating.
2495323 You are one out three persons who didn't sound like a jerk when commenting on my fic, and for that, I thank you. And could I possibly persuade you into giving my fic another chance? Preferibly within a month? Please?
2495618 Yeah. Everybody's been so harsh that I have been forced to cancel my story, unless poeple will actually give it a chance. So please spread the word! Tell everyone that they can save a poor boys hopes! I am begging you, please.
2515143 You know what? At first I was actually going to ask you to give my fic a chance, but I've changed my mind. You, my sir, are the most jerkish, horrible, cruelest, etc. person I have ever met on the internet! So the only thing I have left to say to you is: buck you!
2821829 I've read your story again. There certainly is some improvement from last time. Good job on fixing that up a bit. However, reread the comment that Ice wrote a while back as most of the issues he mentions are still there.
The quirky attitude of the OC (Cloudy Pillow) is not a problem for me, but the quick-paced streamlined events is. Understand that stories are told in sections of rising conflicts or progression of events. It is highly desired by the other commentators that the story should be slowed down. This isn't an unreasonable request, is it? I'm certain that providing a more relaxed and descriptive narrative to your story would only benefit the story, your writing style, and you in the long run.
In addition to what Ice mentioned, here's my pointers:
1. Section off the story's settings in order to outline the story's progression of events in a more relaxed means of storytelling i.e. Describe a setting, set a mood, have an event(s) transpire, and maybe dialogue occur with appropriate descriptions for each speaker's expressions. Do you see what I'm getting? Utilizing a more descriptive writing style and separating the story's events/settings would slow the story enough to accommodate most readers' expectations.
2. When a new speaker has dialogue, separate it onto a new line so as to denote specifically who is speaking. Do not string together alternating dialogue into the same paragraph. You WILL confuse the reader. You don't want to confuse potential readers, do you?
That's it. Just two extra pointers. The pointers mentioned by Ice make up the story's major issues. The easy way to fix that is to logically understand what your story would mean to a complete stranger. If this stranger, who knows nothing about Equestria, reads your story then should they really value it? One of the biggest issues in writing stories is emotional attachment. I know this story is your baby but be willing to take criticism. You'll only get better by taking criticism and making constant improvements to your stories, your writing style, and yourself. It is very counter-productive to simply tell others to shut up no matter how rude they come across. Besides, there are many ways to tell someone to shut up without actually saying or writing those two words.
Human beings are natural story tellers. You can't tell me that this is the one and only story you'll ever do in your life. I'm sure you'll come up with something that builds off of this experience.
All in all, if you rewrite the story enough, there will come a point when the story is not exactly the same (most likely better than the original). Essentially, a thoroughly rewritten story would become its own story. So - my personal advise - perhaps take this story's content, rewrite it into a brand-new version, and release it as its own story derivative of this one. It would be a means of gaining new viewers with a clean slate and refreshed experience. Does that fit your fancy?
By the way, sorry to hear that the back story is mostly true.
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death - Leonardo da Vinci
Well, so far I need to be honest. It feels abit rushed, Im sorry dude. The main character seems to just go along with whats hapening abit to easily.
2830875 It's not that I can't take critisism, it's that everybody sounded so rude and barely told me what's wrong with it. Anyway, thank you for going in-depth on my flaws I really appreciate that. I will not, however, rewrite the story completely, that just doesn't feel right.
2838348 I see what you mean. I'll rewrite the story when I got time to explain —or at least hint to— why my OC is acting like that. The problem with the story feeling rushed will be a little harder, but I'm sure I can do it! I'll message you when the changes have been done.
2842421 Sounds fair. You don't need to rewrite the story. That's your call. I know how you feel as there is a thin line between constructive criticism and rude negativity. This is why I mentioned that emotional attachment is one of the biggest issues in writing stories. It is like watching one of your favorite movies or shows with another person hoping that they like it but end up defending your support of it while enduring their mocking laughter. It does and will happen. Then again you will find a few that appreciate what you create
. There are many times when negativity on my stories occurred for no explained reason but I have to - have to - brush it off and determine if any of it is worth considering as a means of improvement. Half of the time that will be a resounding Nope, doesn't help. Realize that five people thumbed up your story. Maybe some of those were out of sympathy, but I can tell you right now that one of those is mine because I appreciated the story (due to liking Cloudy Pillow's quirky personality). What I'm trying to get at is that there is always a positive side to any negative outcome. There are four other people that may have genuinely liked your story too.
Anyways, I'll stop rambling.
Good Luck!
Im sorry, I hate to point this stuff out dude.
1. Ahh, you may want to put in seperate paragraphs when someone new is talking. Having it bunched together is abit confusing since I dont know at times whose speaking.
2. It feels abit fast paced, and speratic. Like, what you should do is try and put yourself in the shoes of your character and react realistically. How would you react if you ended up in Equestria, MLP didnt excist, and you didnt know about magic? I myself, would probably freak out in such a situation.
Yeah, again I'm still seeing you having two characters dialogue in the same paragraph, and its confusing me. Plus, the pacing still feels rushed. Im sorry if Im sounding like a broken record.
2844956 No, please, keep on rambling. I don't know why, but your rambling seem to make me feel good. I guess I just like seeing someone who are both intelligent AND have a heart.
2847300 No need to be sorry for anything. I guess it's because I'm just being a mix of lazy and eager to get to the critical part of the story. But if you could point out the places where I've slipped up, then I'll just get right to them. And also, before I forget: It might be hard to slow down the story. You see, After arriving in Equestria something begins to affect him. And I don't mean little by little I mean, like, immediately, and therefore my character just sorta roll with it, he simply stops thinking things through. And I guess that's the reason why the story is so rushed. Sorry I let myself get carried away. I'll shut up now.
2847227 Alright, chapter two is now updated. Tell me where I screwed up and I'll fix it.
2847227 And also: What in the name of Yin! Yang! Yo! does speratic mean?
I re-read it. It defeintly looks alot neater with the dialogue seperated, so i know whos talking to who. You may not want to begin a sentene with and, like:
And FINALLY a pause in our discussion as Shining Amour turned around to debate with the guards*
Apart from that, I cant really see anything else.
2862814 Right! I'll fix that once I'm done with chapter four which will contain two new OCs based on my friends, in fact, they ARE my friends!
2862793
Lol i friggin loved yin yang yo
Lol this its weird but i like it
3065387 Thank you! I'm doing my best.
Still quirky as ever! The introductions are fine and dandy (no issue with it though most other users dislike self-inserts), but I want to see some plot development. Additionally, keep in mind the personalities of the Mane 6 as Pinkie Pie could have badgered Cloudy Pillow a lot more than a few sentences of dialogue. There is a possibility that putting a hoof to her mouth might not silence or deter her speech in the slightest
. Just my opinion though it does work from time to time.
Not even Rarity spewing liquid into her face had any effect:
img9.imageshack.us/img9/3711/hkzem.gif
Also:
Blueblood really is a prince in being of noble birth. He is Celestia's far removed nephew, after all. Royal status doesn't always mean horns and wings as I understand it in terms of royal lineage.
3187325 I'm glad you like the story so far and don't worry the next chapter got quite the plot development, so much that I chose to call it "The truth".
About remembering the mane 6's personalities, well… I guess I have to re-watch the series to get it down.
Finally about the last thing. I don't really control my character, I created him and his personality, but I got no control. Cloudy is his own character that does as he sees fit. I created the game and the rules, but not the events of the game. If you know what I mean? You probably don't, but that's okay… because I'm bad at getting my points across sometimes. I'll just shut up now, before I go over board.
very good story so far.
