Day 2 My story
Daniel was woken up by the guards like he had asked, but they looked puzzled for one reason or other. "Whats wrong?" I asked. One of them took a step foward and pointed at my flank and said: "When you arrived you didn't have a cutie mark."
"So you noticed! Oh my Celestia I hoped you wouldn't!" I shouted in a very sarcastic voice.
The guard simply kept his puzzled expression and said: "But now you do."
We stood there a few seconds in uncomfortable silence. "What?" I finally asked.
"You do!" Another guard said. I looked at my flank and saw to my surprise that I DID! It resembled a cloud in the shape of a pillow. "Who are you?" The first guard finally asked.
"You can call me... Cloudy Pillow." The guards had a hard time holding their laughter back that much was obvious. "Don't laugh!"
"Sorry Mr. Pillow." Another laughter was only barely held in.
"Well, Shining Amour will be here in about 50 minutes, I should probably use that time on getting ready. You can go."
"Why are you talking to us like we're your servants?" A third guard asked.
"Because you're not." I answered.
"But that doesn't make any sense!" The first guard shouted.
"Does it have to?". Another silence fell over the group, but this one was very comfortable for me since it meant they didn't have a reply.
"If you'll excuse us Mister, but we have other tasks to attend to." They finally said breaking the silence.
"Of course! Of course!" I said as I waved them off.
More time passed by. "What are you waiting for then? Move along!" All three guards turned around and walked away. As I stood there staring at the now closed door I was wondering: "What in the name of time and space happened to me?"
I walked into the kitchen and opened every cupboard and the fridge to search for a morning snack (wich to me equals emptying half the fridge and half the cupboards). After a good breakfast I decided to go outside and wait for Shining Armour. "I cant just stand here until he arrives." I thought to myself, then I looked up and saw one little cloud in the sky and then I got an idea.
I flew up in my wonky unstable way, it literally took me ten seconds to get up there, can you believe it!? But I finally did get to it and let gravity pull me down together with the cloud until I touched the ground, then I immediatly jumped onto it and laid down just staring at the clear sky.
The minutes passed, nopony said a word. I just laid there and listened... until Shining Amour FINALLY arrived in a carriege dragged by two royal pegasus guards.
The moment he landed he shouted: "What is it? I heard there were a stranger looking for me?"
"Um, yes! That would me!" I shouted half sunken into the cloud, "I wanted to ask for permission to enter the castle, sir!" I shouted from my dizziness after the most refreshing half-sleep I've ever had.
"And who might you be?" He asked with a face at least as puzzled as the guards'.
"I'm Cloudy Pillow, new in town!" I shouted still trying to pull myself together.
"Why do want to enter the castle?" He asked while looking curiously at me.
"To see Princess Celestia." I answered as if he should have known that.
"Why do want to see the princess?"
"Zecora told me to." I said as if this was a normal day-to-day chat.
"How do you know Zecora?"
"You're asking many questions, eh? Let's just say I dropped by."
"How did you meet?" Appearently he thought he had chased me up a corner. Like a cat and a dog. But the cat always ends up defeating the dog when that happens.
"I was just by her hut, thought I might say 'hello'."
"Why did Zecora tell you to see the princess?" His tone had not changed even once through this whole conversation. You could tell he was a good guard.
"I don't even know myself!" I finished in an excited tone.
And FINALLY a pause in our discussion as Shining Amour turned around to debate with the guards. I took the few moments to pull myself together, I don't know what went over me, I suddenly just started talking without thinking.
While they were talking I could've sworn that I saw something in some nearby bushes. I just looked away and ignored it. "It's probably just some animal." I thought.
Suddenly SA and the guard turned back to me and said: "Okay, you can see the princess, but we will follow you an keep an eye on you."
"I accept." I said and brushed right past them. Meanwhile I was thinking: "Did I just see a thread connected to them? Nah."
We passed by many important-looking, fancy ponies on our way to the princess, I don't like fancy stuff, never had, don't know why.
Finally we reached the huge doors leading to the throne room where Princess Celectia was waiting.
"Your highness," the gaurds and SA said, "We've brought this pegasus called 'Cloudy Pillow' who wants to speak with you."
The white alicorn with multicolored mane looked at me with interest. "very well, stand foward Mr. Pillow."
I did as I was told and stepped foward.
"You can call me Cloudy, your majesty." I said as I did a deep bow.
"And you can call me Celestia, Cloudy." The guards let an expression of awkwardness slip over their faces while SA remained expressionless.
"Zecora told me to talk to you alone." I said.
Celestia nodded and said: "Yes, of course. Guards, Shining Armour, you can go."
The guards didn't even look away from me for a second. "As you please princess." they all said as they backed off until they got outside the door which closed in front of them.
Celstia and I looked at eachother for a few seconds until she said: "I know you're not a pony." somehow that didn't surprise me
"Correct." I replied.
"you're a human." she said
"Correct again." Another silence fell over us until I said: "Why is that important?"
She looked like she was processing her own thoughts and shaping her words. "Tell me about your life as a human." she still looked very thoughtful.
"I will." I said.
My mother was physically a strong woman, but her mind was weak. My father was mentally strong, but he lacked physical strenght. With those two combining their DNA they should get a well balanced child, but look at me; I'm not strong and I'm not clever. I do, however, have an unnreakable willpower and have quite a few competions through my pure determination.
I was born at a very wierd time, my mother was only halfway out of her car when I stuck my head out and no joke, I didn't cry, instead I made a sound that kinda sounded like 'HI!'.
When I grew up I was carefree and happy about everything, however that did not keep up, I slowly lost faith in adults wich led to me sitting in front of my computer for like seven years straight. The only bright side of my life was all my friends over in school.
Then one day, while I was at the age of 8, I went to my family reunion and it went well for a few hours. We all sat by the T.V when our program was interrupted by an urgent message:
"We are interrupting this program with an urgent transmission. A patient has escaped from the local asylum. We will request that everyone stays inside. He could be armed and dangerous. If seen do not try to capture him. That was all."
The atmosphere at the party suddenly changed as we all hoped and begged that he wouldn't come here. It didn't take long before the atmosphere returned to being jolly and carefree, but lady luck was not with the Waterhook family that day.
We suddenly heard the front door of the building being smashed open, then we ran out to check what happened. When we got there we saw a man running into the kitchen. Some of us went in others didn't, when we got in there the madman was armed with two knives.
We called for help and the rest of the family came to our aid. The Waterhook family fought like we were a single being, but we were all weak and fell like flies, one after one, until it was only me and my uncle.
My uncle managed to hit the knife out of the madmans hand, but were caught in the process. I was now the last being on planet earth to bear the name "Waterhook". I was crushed, sad, but most of all: angry. I had never felt such anger before, it was… rushing. Adrenaline ran through my body. I felt power. I have never liked the feeling of power. Then, everything went black.
When I came to my senses I was standing on top of a bunch of dead bodies, then I ran. Never have I ever sprinted that fast or long. When I came back home to my mother I immediately locked myself in my room and didn't come out. In the end we had to make a hole in the door so I could get my food.
But back on topic: It was a whole week before that building with the bodies became public information. My mother and I suffered huge mental scars from that incident which resulted in my mother slowly becoming a drug addict.
However, one month later I had a dream, and I don't normally get dreams, but when I do have one, then it's either a short glimpse two years into the future, or a message. In this case it was message. I could see my dad, my uncle, my grandmother and the rest of the Waterhook family. My dad then told not give up, he told me that it was finally time to get into the family belief: as long as people remember you, you will never truly die. He then told me to fulfill the whole family's common wish: to make as many people as possible to remember the name "Waterhook" with honor.
I finally came out of my room. Packed my things and left. I had decided to help as many people as I possibly could, wether they wanted it or not!
I seemed to help kids the most. And as thanks from the parents I could stay in their houses whenever I wanted. It wasn't too long before I had established homes all over the country.
And so my life went for about four years, because at that time my mother had appearently heard of what I was doing. There had appearently been many articles and TV interviews about me, but I was never shown in either of them since I had left before they got to scene. Anyway, my mother found inspiration in me and stopped being a drug addict and invited me home.
I stayed at home for two years until I had racked up enough money to travel to other countries and decided to go so I could help more people.
My mom was devastaded to hear it and commited suicide. I was… inconsolable. I had just lost another family member. My three siblings —two brothers and a sister— was taken away to new families, but I wanted to stay. If they wanted to transfer me to a new family they would have to use violence which was against the law. But sometimes the police just doesn't care about the law so they tried to force me away, they tried to sprain my wrists… I broke their legs. They left me alone and transferred everyone in the neighbourhood away. From that day on, I had been marked as a villain.
I didn't get to say anymore. Princess Celestia had wrapped her wings and forelegs around me in a close tight hug. I could feel her tears running down her cheeks. "Oh… you poor little thing," She wispered. "What are you going to do now?", that was a good question. Where would I go? Where would I live? What would I do? I didn't even know the Equestrian alphabet.
"I don't know," I whispered back "I don't even know why I'm alive!" My voice raised gradually until I was shouting. "WHY AM I ALIVE?! DOES THE GODS ENJOY MY PAIN? I SHOULD HAVE DIED! CELESTIA PLEASE, KILL ME!!!" This time, the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I had not cried since that incident. "Please princess… kill me."
Celstia bowed down and kissed me on the forehead just like my mother used to when I was but an infant. "I would never kill one of my subjects."
"Wait, WHAT?!" this must be how SA and the guards felt when I said something random. "Did you just call me your... subject?"
"Indeed I did," she said with a heartwarming smile, "I invite you to start a new life here in Equestria."
I looked up into her shining eyes, they were filled with sorrow, but also hope.
"But… what about reading and writing?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, that's quite emarrassing, see, you have to start from the beggining."
"You don't mean..."
"I'm afraid I do."
We were silent for just a second, until we simultaneously said: "Kindergarden."
And so, my story has been revealed. Celestia arranged a house in Ponyville (of course) for me to live in, and in the middle of the night I was escorted to my brand new house. For the first time since... ever, I actually felt like things were going my way, however, fate didn't want it to go my way.
End of the second day.
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2495060 Guess what? I have edited first chapter! Just read it when you got the time and tell me what you think! (but please, try not to sound like a jerk, many others does.) Make sure you also check out chapter and tell me your thoughts on that too!
2495060 What I wanted to say was: "Make sure you also check out chapter 2!"
2494470 I hope you're happy now, because you and MANY MANY others have forced me to give up. I will give my fic one month. If nothing has happened before then... you can guess what'll happen.
2494645 I have given up. In a month I will delete my fic, unless SOMEONE gives it a chance.
2494672 Please give it a chance if you don't then I'll delete my fic… forever.
2494694 Please just point out those flaws and I'll fix them. I have given myself one last chance. If no one gives my fic a chance, then I'll delete it.
2494746 Thank you for being one of the only ones that doesn't sound like a complete jerk. If you want then you could be my proofreader. Please I need someone to give my fic a chance within one month, or else I'll have to delete it.
2495155 Yes I know. I just haven't found one. Could you please give my fic another chance? If you see any flaws in grammar, spelling etc. then please tell me where they are and I'll fix them! I know I've said a lot, but PLEASE! I need to make poeple give my fic a chance.
2495503 Could you please give my fanfic another chance? I don't wanna cancel it, please. Do you even know how humiliating it is to say please over the internet as much as I am today? It's pretty damn humiliating.
2495323 You are one out three persons who didn't sound like a jerk when commenting on my fic, and for that, I thank you. And could I possibly persuade you into giving my fic another chance? Preferibly within a month? Please?
2495618 Yeah. Everybody's been so harsh that I have been forced to cancel my story, unless poeple will actually give it a chance. So please spread the word! Tell everyone that they can save a poor boys hopes! I am begging you, please.
2515143 You know what? At first I was actually going to ask you to give my fic a chance, but I've changed my mind. You, my sir, are the most jerkish, horrible, cruelest, etc. person I have ever met on the internet! So the only thing I have left to say to you is: buck you!
Im sorry, I hate to point this stuff out dude.
1. Ahh, you may want to put in seperate paragraphs when someone new is talking. Having it bunched together is abit confusing since I dont know at times whose speaking.
2. It feels abit fast paced, and speratic. Like, what you should do is try and put yourself in the shoes of your character and react realistically. How would you react if you ended up in Equestria, MLP didnt excist, and you didnt know about magic? I myself, would probably freak out in such a situation.
2847227 Alright, chapter two is now updated. Tell me where I screwed up and I'll fix it.
I re-read it. It defeintly looks alot neater with the dialogue seperated, so i know whos talking to who. You may not want to begin a sentene with and, like:
And FINALLY a pause in our discussion as Shining Amour turned around to debate with the guards*
Apart from that, I cant really see anything else.