A strange stallion

by Cloudy Pillow

Day 3 A new friend

I was woken up (for the fifth time that morning) by a young mare dressed up as a maid. "Sir? Wake up, sir!"

"Alright! Alright! I'm up, I'm up!"

It had been a long night, for some reason I couldn't sleep. ME! CAN YOU BELIVE IT? anyway, I think the reason I couldn't sleep was that I thought about how my day would go. Can you imagine? A teenage stallion, suddenly turning up in a classroom surrounded by colts and fillies.

"It sounds like something a certain friend of mine would enjoy, he loves kids."

And with that thought I trotted into the kitchen where I poured up some cereal and looked out the window to study the surroundings of my house. To my surprise I saw that I was neighbour to Sweet Apple Acres! Thank you Lady Luck!

After cereal I took a quick shower. Who wants to smell like old gym socks on their first day?

As I passed the maid still drying my mane with a towel, I looked at her, smiled and nodded, then she blushed and turned around. "I can't be THAT charming, can I?"

I looked into the nearest mirror and looked at my new face; I looked like a masculine angel! "Thanks Zecora" I thought to myself.

As I was about to exit through the door (I don't say?) the maid turned to me and said: "I… umm… have a newcomer's gift for you.". She held out a tiny little box, I took the box and opened it, though I was wondering how due to my lack of fingers. PHYSICS!

And inside the box was the most shiny, most silvery, most excact watch you have ever put your eyes on! "Thank you," I said to the maid

"I never got your name?" She looked shocked, "You want to know my name?"

I looked at her like she was a child that just said something random. "Yes of course! We're gonna have to spend a lot of time together so of course I wanna know your name!" I said with a big smile.

"It's… umm…" I could see that she was very shy. "Feather… Feather Dust… that's my name."

"Happy to meet you Feather! My name is Cloudy! Cloudy Pillow!" I have no idea why I was shouting, appearently I just do that when I'm drowzy.

"You better go now sir. Have you brought any food?"

"Yes indeed I have!"

"Good…" She said as we both walked outside, into the bright morning light.

I never noticed her appearence inside because it was very dark, but now I could study her better: She had a bright yellow coat, deep purple mane and brown eyes. She was pretty short and looked fairly fragile, so fragile that it made her look cute. She was basically my complete opposite.

"See you later sir!"

"See ya later Feather, and just call me Cloudy!" After trotting foward for a minute or so, I remembered that I had no idea whatsoever about the kindergarden's location. "Dammit!" I whispered to myself. "Ugh… I'll just gallop around until I find it."

And so, I ran… into some poor earth pony, but wouldn't you know it; it was Applejack! "Watch out there, pardner," she shouted at me "Ah have this BIG delivery to make!"

I rubbed my head a bit, because coincidentally that was what broke my fall. "sorry, I'll be more careful in the future. Hey, can you tell me how to get to the kindergarden?"

Applejack looked confused at me, "Why do ya ask? Ya don't seem to have no foals with ya!"

"This is very embarrassing, you see, I'm the one who's going to sit at a desk."

"WHAT?!"

"Listen, I would love to stay here and talk with you, but this is not the right place or time. Just tell me how to get to the kindergarden."

"Just keep goin' that way." She said pointing her hoof in the excact opposite direction than I was running

"Thank you!" I shouted over my shoulder as I sprinted away

"No problem ya'all!" She answered and ran in her own direction.

I finally arrived at the kindergarden and just as I thought; everyone was surprised to see me. "Who are you?" Cheerilee asked

"I'm (huff) Cloudy (puff) Pillow!" I managed to say.

"Oh, I thought you would be-"

"Smaller? Believe me, this was NOT my idea, but it's neccessary."

"Okay then. Kids, say hello to our newest student: Cloudy Pillow! Any questions?"

A little filly stuck her hoof into the air. "How old are you Cloudy?"

"Where I come from I'm fifteen years old." I answered.

Another filly stuck her hoof into the air. "Then why are you in kindergarden?" She asked.

"Let's just say that I'm new to this place. You will probably know what I mean someday." A short pause came in, meanwhile I just stood there smiling mysteriously.

A colt did the same as everypony else. "Where do you live, and why are you not going to the Cloudsdale kindergarden?"

"It takes me ten seconds to fly fifteen meters straight up into the air, I hope that answers your question."

Yet another filly raised her hoof and guess who it was… Diamond Tiara. "Can you even read and write?" She said mockingly.

I hestitated to answer. "Yes I can, just not equestrian."

Then Sweetie Belle stuck her hoof into the air. "I couldn't help but to notice that, you have never actually told us where you come from."

I think I must have looked concerned, because I swear I saw Sweetie smile like she had accomplished somthing. "That was not a question." I responded.

"It was earlier!" She shouted at me.

"All you need to know is that I'm not from Equestria, I didn't plan going here, suddenly it happened and now I'm forced to study everything from scratch." Complete silence filled the classroom.

"That's enough questions for now! Cloudy, you can take seat between Applebloom and Daimond Tiara." The moment I planted my plot in the seat both Applebloom and Diamond tiara leaned towards me, and Diamond Tiara was the first to talk.

"Listen, if you want to be on the cool side of the classroom, then ignore those three." she said pointing her hoof at the Cutie Mark Cusaders.

"Don't listen to her," Applebloom said "you don't know her!"

I looked at her seriously "Oh no I know her."

"How?" Both of them exclaimed.

"You'll find that I know many things that I shouldn't know, for example; Your adventure with the love poison, or your many many collisions with mud." That made them both shut their pie-holes.

The rest of the day went with me just learning the equestrian alphabet and numbers. Except for the times where Diamond Tiara and Applebloom tried to keep me away from eachother.

When I got home I was greeted by the warm smile of Feather Dust. "Welcome home, Cloudy!" "Glad to be home! Man, I had completely forgotten how tough kindergarden can be." "I hear you," Feather said.

"What do you want for dinner?" I really wanted a nice, huge, schnitzel, but I remembered that I was a horse and therefore, a herbivore… dammit! I quickly thought of an alternative. "A vegetable stew would be nice."

She did a salute. "I'll get right to it!"

"Oh please, don't salute, I hate when ponies salute me." I said.

"Oh… right… sorry." She said looking down.

"You don't have any reason to apologize. I just asked you to not salute me." I said in an attempt to cheer her up.

"Right… sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for everything, when you're my maid, then you're pretty much free to do whatever you want!" I said with a smile.

"Th… thank you, Cloudy."

I couldn't help but notice that she had switched personality a few times during our conversations through the day. "Come on, I'll help cook."

Once again she looked surprised. "Really?" She asked. She looked like she was used to doing everything on her own.

"Of course! I enjoy cooking, except for when it involves dough."

After we finished cooking and was eating, I thought that would be the perfect time for us to know eachother better.

"I thought this was a good oppertunity to know each other better." (HOORAY for me being repetitive!!!)

She looked up from her stew. "Alright, what do want to know?" "Actually, I thought you could be the one to begin?" I tried.

"Okay. Umm… do you have any hobbies?" "Yeah, I used to play this wierd instrument." I said holding my hooves like I would do when you play ocarina.

"Can I see it?" Now she looked very excited.

"I would love to play you a song, but I didn't get it with me when I left my previous home."

Now she looked dissapointed. "That was a shame. Now that I think about it. Where did you live before? Canterlot? Fillydelphia? Appleloosa?"

"I promise you that, you will hear, one day."

This time she looked like was wondering. "What day?"

"The day where Celstia sends me or Twilight Sparkle a letter." I said thinking she knew Twilight.

"Who?" Now she just looked plain confused.

"Nothing. Nothing. Don't break your pretty little head with that question, you'll meet her, in not too long."

And with those words we finished our stew, and proceeded to do our chores: Shopping, cleaning, etc. etc. Then we said "Good night" and went to sleep.

End of third day.

Author's Note:

I am now determined to end this fic. "Why" you ask? Because I am going to make a sequel!

I don't know what's gonna happen because I don't control the characters, THEY control themselves! The second the appear in a paragraph they live their own lives, fate has taken then into it's custody and I lose my control over them. I don't really have any point to tell you that, but I just felt like it.

Comments

[sweeT2010Tooth]

2821829 I've read your story again. There certainly is some improvement from last time. Good job on fixing that up a bit. However, reread the comment that Ice wrote a while back as most of the issues he mentions are still there.

The quirky attitude of the OC (Cloudy Pillow) is not a problem for me, but the quick-paced streamlined events is. Understand that stories are told in sections of rising conflicts or progression of events. It is highly desired by the other commentators that the story should be slowed down. This isn't an unreasonable request, is it? I'm certain that providing a more relaxed and descriptive narrative to your story would only benefit the story, your writing style, and you in the long run.

In addition to what Ice mentioned, here's my pointers:

1. Section off the story's settings in order to outline the story's progression of events in a more relaxed means of storytelling i.e. Describe a setting, set a mood, have an event(s) transpire, and maybe dialogue occur with appropriate descriptions for each speaker's expressions. Do you see what I'm getting? Utilizing a more descriptive writing style and separating the story's events/settings would slow the story enough to accommodate most readers' expectations.

2. When a new speaker has dialogue, separate it onto a new line so as to denote specifically who is speaking. Do not string together alternating dialogue into the same paragraph. You WILL confuse the reader. You don't want to confuse potential readers, do you?

That's it. Just two extra pointers. The pointers mentioned by Ice make up the story's major issues. The easy way to fix that is to logically understand what your story would mean to a complete stranger. If this stranger, who knows nothing about Equestria, reads your story then should they really value it? One of the biggest issues in writing stories is emotional attachment. I know this story is your baby but be willing to take criticism. You'll only get better by taking criticism and making constant improvements to your stories, your writing style, and yourself. It is very counter-productive to simply tell others to shut up no matter how rude they come across. Besides, there are many ways to tell someone to shut up without actually saying or writing those two words.

Human beings are natural story tellers. You can't tell me that this is the one and only story you'll ever do in your life. I'm sure you'll come up with something that builds off of this experience.

All in all, if you rewrite the story enough, there will come a point when the story is not exactly the same (most likely better than the original). Essentially, a thoroughly rewritten story would become its own story. So - my personal advise - perhaps take this story's content, rewrite it into a brand-new version, and release it as its own story derivative of this one. It would be a means of gaining new viewers with a clean slate and refreshed experience. Does that fit your fancy?

By the way, sorry to hear that the back story is mostly true.

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death - Leonardo da Vinci

[Cloudy Pillow]

2830875 It's not that I can't take critisism, it's that everybody sounded so rude and barely told me what's wrong with it. Anyway, thank you for going in-depth on my flaws I really appreciate that. I will not, however, rewrite the story completely, that just doesn't feel right.

[Cloudy Pillow]

2838348 I see what you mean. I'll rewrite the story when I got time to explain —or at least hint to— why my OC is acting like that. The problem with the story feeling rushed will be a little harder, but I'm sure I can do it! I'll message you when the changes have been done.

[sweeT2010Tooth]

2842421 Sounds fair. You don't need to rewrite the story. That's your call. I know how you feel as there is a thin line between constructive criticism and rude negativity. This is why I mentioned that emotional attachment is one of the biggest issues in writing stories. It is like watching one of your favorite movies or shows with another person hoping that they like it but end up defending your support of it while enduring their mocking laughter. It does and will happen. Then again you will find a few that appreciate what you create . There are many times when negativity on my stories occurred for no explained reason but I have to - have to - brush it off and determine if any of it is worth considering as a means of improvement. Half of the time that will be a resounding Nope, doesn't help. Realize that five people thumbed up your story. Maybe some of those were out of sympathy, but I can tell you right now that one of those is mine because I appreciated the story (due to liking Cloudy Pillow's quirky personality). What I'm trying to get at is that there is always a positive side to any negative outcome. There are four other people that may have genuinely liked your story too.

Anyways, I'll stop rambling.
Good Luck!

[Bronyz4ever90]

Yeah, again I'm still seeing you having two characters dialogue in the same paragraph, and its confusing me. Plus, the pacing still feels rushed. Im sorry if Im sounding like a broken record.

[Cloudy Pillow]

2844956 No, please, keep on rambling. I don't know why, but your rambling seem to make me feel good. I guess I just like seeing someone who are both intelligent AND have a heart.

[Cloudy Pillow]

2847300 No need to be sorry for anything. I guess it's because I'm just being a mix of lazy and eager to get to the critical part of the story. But if you could point out the places where I've slipped up, then I'll just get right to them. And also, before I forget: It might be hard to slow down the story. You see, After arriving in Equestria something begins to affect him. And I don't mean little by little I mean, like, immediately, and therefore my character just sorta roll with it, he simply stops thinking things through. And I guess that's the reason why the story is so rushed. Sorry I let myself get carried away. I'll shut up now.

[Cloudy Pillow]

2847227 And also: What in the name of Yin! Yang! Yo! does speratic mean?

[Cloudy Pillow]

2862814 Right! I'll fix that once I'm done with chapter four which will contain two new OCs based on my friends, in fact, they ARE my friends!