When you saw that humans are involved in this story you probably thought: "Oh it's another story of a human popping up in Equestria to go on a HUGE adventure to become one of the elements of harmony and then go back home." Well I can tell you, right now that is not it. If you want to know how it's different then you got to keep reading... O.K! I give in! I'll tell you, just stop looking at me like that! It's about a boy with a past behind his past, now I know what you're thinking: "How does that make sense?" See, the boy wasn't always a human. Anyway, back on topic: Our protagonist arrives in Equestria, tries to start a new normal life in Equestria, however… fate has other plans.
Now to begin. A boy sat on his computer somewhere in the little country of Denmark. There was a thunderstorm which are decently rare in the little country. The boy (our protagonist) did not know there was a thunderstorm because he was too busy watching ponies on his screen.
A lightning struck on the antenna that was directly connected to his computer and it exploded.
We will now go into the mind of our protagonist "Daniel" as he was named by his mother before she even got pregnant. Because as you might have guessed, I'm Daniel.
Anyway. I looked at the exploded screen and thought "If it's destroyed then, why can I see Derpy in there?" I moved back from the screen and into a corner of the room in fright as Derpy Hooves moved towards me and CLIMBED THROUGH THE SCREEN!!! She asked me in that stupid yet adorable voice she got: "Do you have any muffins?" I slowly shook my head and Derpy looked disappointed.
We just sat there for a couple of seconds until she climbed back through the screen. A couple more seconds passed with thoughts flying in and out my head. "Should I go through?", "I might never be able to go back.", "There's nothing for me to come back for if that is the case."
Finally my humanity got the better of me, I went over to the screen and stuck a hand inside. "It's real alright." I thought to myself. I took a running start and head dived, right into the screen!
I opened my eyes to meet the trees of the Everfree forest and Zecoras hut, however, something felt wrong. I went over there to knock on the door and to my surprise I saw that i was about one and a half head taller than the door! I knocked three times out of pure good manners. There came a voice from inside. "I'm coming, I'm coming! Now you can stop all that knocking!" Zecora opened the door then saw me then pulled me inside faster than Flim and Flam can move their lips during their singing, which resulted in me hitting my head on the doorframe. Meanwhile she just whispered: "You must quickly come inside, you will need to stay and hide!". "Why?" I asked getting a little bit panicked, but got no answer.
She ran from table to table apparently making a potion. Meanwhile I got familiar with her hut. We all know what it looks like, but FEELING IT was different, it was all 100% smooth like nothing I have ever experienced before. But what really drew my attention was the smell! All those herbs and potions and fumes all blending together to create the ultimate scent! I was about to collapse on her bed from pure comfort.
She turned to me with a very big bowl filled with a soup-ish substance. "Better drink it." I thought and wolfed it down. I dropped the bowl as I felt every particle in my body alter or switch places or change completely… it was more painful than the time I landed face-first onto a road. I looked at my hands and saw that they were slowly getting deep purple! I panicked! "WHAT'S GOING ON!?!" I shouted. Zecora galloped over, laid me down on her bed and said: "You must stay calm and collected, for you are the one whom I have selected."
What felt like eternity passed lying there in pain, some places were worse than others. My hands appeared to be finished and ears were next. I felt them moving to the top of my cranium and then change shape. Then, came my hair, I could feel my hair grow all the way down my neck. Next were my bum, or rather just above it. I was growing a tail! Then I felt a stinging in my back, then realized somthing was growing back there! And, just call me slow 'cause I was, but it was only at that time I realized I was becoming a pony. But not just a pony, but a PEGASUS pony! Yes! Next thing that happened to my body was that it shrunk.
When the rest of my skeleton fixed itself to pony shape and I collected myself (because honestly my mind was all over the place) I asked her why she did that to me. "Like I said you must hide, so I had to free your pony side." That was her only answer and it was clear that she wouldn't answer any more questions, so I just shut my black hole of a mouth.
The next couple of seconds we just sat there in silence, until I mumbled "I'm going to find Twilight and her friends, they will tell me what to do."
"NO! You must not tell them. That would create a mayhem!" She responded with a mix of anger and panick in her voice. "You shall go to the princess first, please do not go headfirst."
"Alright, fine. I'll go see the princess first calm down, jeez."
And with those words I took off ... or at least tried to. As I stood up I almost immediately collapsed on the floor, destroying the serious atmosphere. "Perhaps I'll a wait a bit." I said as I looked up on Zecora who was doing a facehoof.
A couple of hours passed with Zecora teaching me to walk… that was the most embarrassing thing I have EVER experienced!
After being able to walk on my own I tried to fly away. Needless to say, I hit a tree since I was new to flying. But after what I had just gone through a little concussion was nothing, so I ran instead. I ran a couple of miles trying my wings bit for bit, hitting my head on tree for tree until I was finally able to fly. Sorta wonky and unstable, but flying nonetheless!
I reached Canterlot about 45 minutes later and thought of a way to get in. "They won't just let me in I'm sure of that. Maybe if I told them I had an appointment with the princess? No, they'd ask for my name. If I demanded to see Shining Amour and convinced him to let me in? AHA! GOT IT! To Canterlot! Allons-y! Damn I've watched too much Dr. Who."
A few minutes later I arrived in front of the castle gate and as suspected they wouldn't let me in. I did as planned and demanded to see their captain Shining Amour. They laughed and said: "He's in the crystal empire! Didn't you know that?"
I kept my cool and said: "Then I'll wait for him. Can you arrange a temporary residence for me?"
They did not expect that one so it took them some time, but they found an empty house for me to stay in overnight. "The family that lives here is on vacation, we've contacted them and they accepted you." They explained.
"Alright, thanks, very nice of everyone. Just come and wake me up an hour before Shining Amour arrives and I'll take care of the rest." I assured them and went straight for the bedroom.
The guards looked confused. "Why do we have to come and wake you up?"
I looked at them with a lazy expression. "Because I got a bad habit of sleeping in.", I said and closed the door and went to sleep, but just before I closed my eyes I shouted "I know you are spying on me, don't worry I won't cause trouble!" and then I fell asleep.
Meanwhile a silhouette was hiding in the bushes outside the house, literally pulling some strings. Each string pointing towards a pony. Three towards the guards and one towards me.
End of the first day.
Doesn't make sense, like most of the HiE stories.
It's REALLY too fast paced, the MC is bland and react unrealisticaly at everything.
In 1200 words the MC goes to Equestria, meet Zecora in the Everfree, get transformed into a pony, learn to fly and goes straight to Canterlot.
Just NO.
2494470 Alright I know it doesn't make sense, but bear with me It's my forst story ever. Everything will be explained sooner or later also the unrealistic reactions from the MC. All I can say is this: What fun is there in making sense?
2494580 Sorry, but there's making no sense at all, like Pinkie, and then there's making no sense whatsoever, like your story.
If you want to write a tongue-in-cheek story about a mundane character, you'd better do it well.
That means proper capitalization, grammar, and spelling.
If you can't manage that, then your fic comes across as pathetic rather than witty.
I promise you all that my OC's behavior will make sense at some point! Now about the grammar, grammar have NEVER been my strong side and my OC Daniel or "Cloudy Pillow" is based off of me and as the story says the boy was from Denmark. Danish and english grammar is different and I can only just manage grammar in writing in danish so english is a much bigger problem. Now just calm down and have patiance, I'm already working on chapter two and I'm doing my best to get to the point where everything will be making sense.
2494716
Alright, I know that English isn't your first language ( isn't mine either).
But, God, you should get a proofreader somewhere, und you should have a fast revision of your overall English, so you will be less likely to be downvoted and harshly criticized by the others.
Wouldn't it hurt to transform into a pony? And wouldn't it take longer to change AND learn to fly? Plus, why are the guards believing him? This makes no sense... Clear up those questions and it will be a little better.
2494746 finally someone who gives me advice without sounding rude!
2494873 Yes I must admit that I'm very vague, but now let me answer your questions with as few spoilers as possible
1: Yes, it would hurt very much I was just unclear at that point, I don't remember excactly what I wrote, but I know I wrote something about being in pain.
2: Yes, it would take a long time to transform and learn to fly. My problem there is that I'm very vague about time, in my mind I thought: "Daniel was lying there for who-knows-how-long!". And about that flying thing, I was once again very vague, but this time it was about distance. My character ran many miles slowly trying out his wings, first flying a few inches then a little more and then a little more until he could do it with help from his new pegasus mind with very faint pegasus instincts.
3: The guards didn't believe him, there was some interference BUT... that interference could have bern anybody, it could have been Cloudy Pillow, or Discord since he is marked as one of the main characters in this fic, it could be the princess who had seen a prophecy about him arriving, basically it could have been anypony/anydraconequus.
EVERYONE!!! YOU'RE ATTENTION PLEASE!!! I've said this before but appearently I have to say it again: Bear with me it's my first fanfic and english is not my first language! You will all gain answers to most if not all of your questions. Just! Be! Patient!
2494991 CLOUDY! You have to tell us that he lay there for a while, that he was in pain, and that he was running for many miles! Please edit it to be not as vague.
2495007 Do you know that there are proofreaders and pre-readers that could help you?
I'm going to avoid going into detail the grammar issue because you seem to be getting that from everybody else.
The problem is......the problem is that we know nothing of *Goes back to check* Daniel and we're just left with a bland doll that little Suzie named. I've done the same thing before so I know exactly how you felt publishing this....but I feel that you....were rather lazy, how? well lets see:
1. Daniel.....Daniel.......okay so Daniel....we know nothing about Daniel...and you expect that by saying "His actions will make sense soon," in the comments of all places will justify that? Well it doesn't and do you know why? Because it takes 5 seconds, just 5, to establish some facts about a character, heck I had to go back and check his name because you leave so little to remember him by, he's from Denmark and he's a brony...that's all we know.
2.
....What the hell is that supposed to mean? Has he lost a family member, do his parents abuse him or is he just really emotional?
3.
....It might as well be, at least then we'd have an understandable concept.
4. The guards....my god those guards. "Hey, can I get a random house?" "Sure, just let us ask the owners." (Yes I know that's not what they say but it's the same idea) Then the owners, who are on a vacation, say yes......two questions, how did they contact them and why my god WHY, are these ponies letting a random stranger stay in there house....
5. This is a point that I've always made with human to pony transformations....how can he walk, run and fly the moment he was turned into a pony? A few years back I was bed ridden for about two weeks and when I got out it took me at least a full day before it wasn't uncomfortable to walk.....so how can somebody who has never done anything with a body move at all? If the muscles haven't been used before then these things take time.
I will not downvote this, but I would like a response.
2495007
If English ain't your first language, then work on it a little bit more before writing. Or, you can go somewhere that does serve fanfiction written in your language.
2495323 And a response you shall get! All I can tell you is that you will get Daniels background in chapter two and that the guards werd being manipulated by someone whom i expect will show themselves at maximum chapter five.
2495503 I'm writing excactly because english isn't my first language. I'm hoping to become better at the language and writing in general. :D
2495323 Oh yes I forgot about the running thing! All I can say about that is this: Someone behind the scenes are pulling the strings and I bet you know who.
Wow, people are being harsh today!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m15gf9jK2k1r8058ko1_250.gif
Well, so far I need to be honest. It feels abit rushed, Im sorry dude. The main character seems to just go along with whats hapening abit to easily.
2838348 to rushed has a concept but seems more like notes.