• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

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Introduction, don't panic.


Congratulations sir/ ma'am you have just purchased the Human’s Guide to Life in Equestria! You might be thinking what is this guide, and what is Equestria? First we will describe to you what this guide is and what it stands for. This guide is given to all creatures who are not native to this terrestrial realm, that means you. You remember that bit about purchasing this guide, well that was a lie. Rather, you are being forced to read this because you foreign creatures bring a whole load of freaky stuff with you into our calm land. As such, this guide is meant for the betterment of your well being in your new home. Once you have completed this guide, you will understand how to live as a normal Equestrian in our proud society.

Where is Equestria you ask? Well Equestria is the main country in which ponies live. Its galactic position at this current time is unknown, but we can assure you that you are no longer on your home planet. Equestria is ruled, owned, and populated with ponies. Why ponies you ask? Its simple, because it just is, deal with it. Equestria is a massive country filled with many cities, towns, and natural wonders. These are a few qualities that make our nation proud, and now that you are part of our land you must learn the importance of your place here.

In this guide, we will cover all about you. Well, not all about you. Rather, we will cover how you will live your life, and how to find the basics to kick off your second chance. We will also cover who is who in your new home as well as some history, and culture. But, you must be warned living in Equestria is not all sunshine and daisies. Life in Equestria is much like life in your old world. You have to work to earn money, use your money to eat and live, and stay healthy. This is how the world works, both here and where you came from.

Now most foreign ponies are human. Why they are is beyond us, so it’s safe to assume that you were human. This guide will not cover humans or their point of origin, but it will briefly cover why you got here. So before we continue with how you got here and who you are, we will go over who the writer is.

The writer, and or creator of this guide was personally assigned the task of creating this guide by Princess Celestia herself. (This guide will cover who she is at a later time.) And the writer is not being forced to write this so please don't help him. He can not be found in the second tower of the Canterlot royal castle, and he doesn't need help. So please don't help him.

On the cover of this guide you probably noticed on the words "OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING" in bright yellow letters. What this stands for is that you are either very happy to be in Equestria, you’re baffled, or you’re just severely annoyed. So our best advice is don't panic.

Now before we continue here is the first rule of this guide. Remember that this rule applies to any and all that have had a terrible, or in some cases a good life up until this point.

Rule 1: The universe hates you, but not totally.

This rule is the number one rule of this guide, and yes you will see this rule come up frequently in the rest of the guide. Now lets get on with you and how you got here, and who you are.

The universe. It's big. You wouldn’t believe how mind bogglingly big the universe actually is. Since this is being said, a lot of freaky stuff happens all the time everywhere. Now a lot of that freaky stuff happens on Earth. Why the freakishness has chose Earth as its toy is beyond us, but the most likely reason is that the universe hates you. Who were you before you came to Equestria? Were you a famous leader, or a great artist, or a hobo who might be friendly more or less so? Or were you a world renown super villain? At this time we don't really care what you were, because we are here to make you into who you can be. For this guide to work properly we must simulate your arrival so that you might have a better understanding of how the universe trolls you. (We are still not sure what a "Troll" is but you humans use the term a lot.)

Before we move on, here is a small list of common ways humans like yourself have entered Equestria. The most odd thing about the stories you share with us is that most of them involve you dying. Why you died is equally as strange, and what's worse is that you come here with others. (Note: These are not in numerical order from most common to least common.)

1. Plane crash. (This is the least common method of teleportation used to get to our world.)

2. Boat accident. ( You died on a boat, this means that you didn't wear a life preserver, and this being said that means that you are stupid.)

3. Car crash. (We have still haven't found out what a "car" is but we are still looking into it.)

4. Getting hit by a car. (We don't know what it is with you humans but you keep getting hit by these stupid things. We have currently 1337 stories told that say before they came here they were hit by cars.)

5. Boot to the head.

6. Suicide. (If you did this to escape life, then the universe hates you. Welcome to a new one.)

7. Stargate. (Where did you find this?)

8. Aliens. (The universe is using its troll monkeys to find and foal-nap you.)

9. Brick in the bowl. (You shouldn't of had that burrito if you know what I'm saying.)

10. You were murdered by a stick of butter. (... Once, that’s how many times this has happened.)

11. A big portal through time and space tears itself right in your backyard. ( Believe it or not this happens a lot, and it also happens in other random places.)

12. Muffins. (This is another uncommon way to come here. Example: You are sitting there enjoying a muffin, and then all of a sudden you pass out and wake up in Equestria.)

Now that you have a better understanding of how humans find their way here, let’s talk about how you got here.

As stated before, to better understand how you got here we will simulate your crossing. Here is your story as told from the voices of many humans who have suffered the same fate as yourself. For this scenario we will pretend you came here by means of getting hit by a car.

Once upon your planet. You, the human, were walking one day outside in your little city on what seemed like an average day. You have had a good life, or that is what you thought. Because it is at this point in time that a human car driver has decided that it is a good idea to see if he can do the funky chicken while driving at 45 miles an hour. You of course you are to busy with other matters to notice your impending doom. So within seconds the car and your body make contact, and just like that it kills you on the spot. It is not until now that the driver has realized what he has done, and removes himself from his "car" to inspect your once living self. Although he feels bad about what he did, he quickly notices that you are dead and are in no more need of your wallet.

In your dead state you see a light. This is what most humans have told us they see before they die. This little white light is not in fact human heaven. Because if it was, you would walk into a land of more death and violence, either that or you were secretly a terrible person and your going to hell. We have also had humans say that you feel immense pain as you start to regain consciousness. You see the gateway, or portal from your world to ours transforms your physical being into a pony. It is said that this process is extremely long, and terribly painful. Remember that good life you thought you had? Well, you're probably not having a good one at this point. Next thing you remember you are waking up in a field, or in Canterlot.

It is time for the history we mentioned earlier.

History lesson 1: Once not too long ago, a unicorn named Lyra approached the Canterlot magical science foundation with the idea that a race of creatures called "Humans" existed beyond our realm. She also brought up the idea that they could also be in fact the creators of Equestria. Many of the higher magical council members dismissed this idea and sent her off in tears. It was not till recently however that proof of humans existence was discovered purely by accident. Lyra was in Ponyville (A place we will discuss at a later time.) when she saw a huge hole open in the sky. Interested in what it could be she discovered the remains of what looked like a whale. On top of said whale was an orange Colt named Timothy. Believe it or not Timothy accompanied Lyra to the magical council with the whale, and proved that humanity existed. Like before, the council dismissed the idea and sent them both (and the whale) home in tears, but later more and more human-ponies started to show up like crazy talking about the same place. Baffled by this the council was given more than enough proof, and so now Lyra now runs the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. Or the Equestrian Search for Humans in Equestria Recruitment Guild. Why the i in the middle is lower cased is beyond us.

That is how you were brought here. The E.S.H.i.E.R.G. detected your arrival and now you are here. Do you remember that bit about this guide referring to you as a creature? Well that was a lie too, we are completely aware that you were human.

Now to find out little about yourself. As you already know by now you are not a human, you are a pony. The question is what kind of pony are you, and what gender? Ponies in Equestria and their Anatomy will be described at a later time, for now we will cover the basics. What sub-species of pony are you? There are three kinds of ponies that live in Equestria, each with unique and powerful traits. The types of ponies are listed below.

Earth Ponies. (Their strong, fast, and have the ability to adapt to their surroundings the best out of anypony in Equestria, plus they're the best farmers.)

Unicorns. (The most magical and intelligent of the three. Unicorns have horns that allow them to use magic for whatever he or she pleases to do. It is with their use of magic that makes them able to have a great sense of manipulation and power over items like crystals, and those stupid peanut butter jars where you just can't get the lid off.)

And the Pegasi. (These powerful ponies have wings which give them the ability to race at powerful speeds. This however only applies to a certain number of ponies. Pegasi can control cloud movement by bucking clouds, and they can even move on the fluffy things as well.)

And in some rare cases Alicorns. (If you have been turned into an Alicorn than the universe is not just making you a demi-god, no. It means that it hates our beloved Princess Celestia, because her and her sister will hunt you down and send you to a place where the sun may never shine ever again. And that is for you just existing. Which in return is the universe saying it really hates you.)

Now that you know what ponies exist, it means you have a better understanding of what you are. This is another large step for you on your way to becoming a true Equestrian! Now we will come back to the subject of what gender you are. Like most creatures ponies have males, and females. We will cover male and female interaction at a later time. For now you should just look at yourself, and if you don't see a... You know, I think that if you came from Earth then you should know the difference between a male and female. If you are stupid however than the next rule applies to you.

Rule 2: Everypony has a place in Equestria, even the stupid ones.

If you are stupid then I'm sure you can find another guide on male and female differences. For now, lets assume you are a (insert gender here).

This concludes our section of this guide for the moment, but before we close this chapter lets review what you've learned.

1. The universe hates you, but not totally.

2. You are a pony.

3. You now live in Equestria, so don't panic.

4. You have come to terms with yourself so OMG YES THIS IS HAPPENING.

5. You have the chance at a new life, you also found out that some letters like to stay lower cased.

6. Everypony has a place in Equestria. Even the stupid ones.

7. You learned the many freaky ways that humans come here, and why you should leave you wallet in your car. (We don't know what those are still.)

8. And some history about the organization that brought you here from your entry point.

9. This guide lies about... Some things.

These are just a quick list of the many things you learned today about yourself and your new life. The next topic will cover money, careers, and living arrangements in the magical land of Equestria. We will go over what your special talent is, and how you can make money doing it.

But it is time we close this section of the guide and move on to the next. So please, don't panic, everything will work out in the end. Just watch out for the universe, you never know when it will play a trick on you because it truly does hate you.

TOPICS COVERED IN THE FULL GUIDE: Mating and love, diet, food, anatomy, careers, jobs, and talents (Next), communication with the world and its ponies, history, and culture. (This will be integrated into the guide as we go.) We will cover these and maybe more... Maybe.

(This was written for the pure enjoyment of the author. This, as you can already tell, was not made to be serious. Some grammar issues and errors and purposely placed there for comedic purposes.)

Proofread by:


Colonel Lat Muffin