The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria.

by Noakwolf

Introduction, don't panic.

INTRODUCTION

Congratulations sir/ ma'am you have just purchased the Human’s Guide to Life in Equestria! You might be thinking what is this guide, and what is Equestria? First we will describe to you what this guide is and what it stands for. This guide is given to all creatures who are not native to this terrestrial realm, that means you. You remember that bit about purchasing this guide, well that was a lie. Rather, you are being forced to read this because you foreign creatures bring a whole load of freaky stuff with you into our calm land. As such, this guide is meant for the betterment of your well being in your new home. Once you have completed this guide, you will understand how to live as a normal Equestrian in our proud society.

Where is Equestria you ask? Well Equestria is the main country in which ponies live. Its galactic position at this current time is unknown, but we can assure you that you are no longer on your home planet. Equestria is ruled, owned, and populated with ponies. Why ponies you ask? Its simple, because it just is, deal with it. Equestria is a massive country filled with many cities, towns, and natural wonders. These are a few qualities that make our nation proud, and now that you are part of our land you must learn the importance of your place here.

In this guide, we will cover all about you. Well, not all about you. Rather, we will cover how you will live your life, and how to find the basics to kick off your second chance. We will also cover who is who in your new home as well as some history, and culture. But, you must be warned living in Equestria is not all sunshine and daisies. Life in Equestria is much like life in your old world. You have to work to earn money, use your money to eat and live, and stay healthy. This is how the world works, both here and where you came from.

Now most foreign ponies are human. Why they are is beyond us, so it’s safe to assume that you were human. This guide will not cover humans or their point of origin, but it will briefly cover why you got here. So before we continue with how you got here and who you are, we will go over who the writer is.

The writer, and or creator of this guide was personally assigned the task of creating this guide by Princess Celestia herself. (This guide will cover who she is at a later time.) And the writer is not being forced to write this so please don't help him. He can not be found in the second tower of the Canterlot royal castle, and he doesn't need help. So please don't help him.

On the cover of this guide you probably noticed on the words "OMG THIS IS NOT HAPPENING" in bright yellow letters. What this stands for is that you are either very happy to be in Equestria, you’re baffled, or you’re just severely annoyed. So our best advice is don't panic.

Now before we continue here is the first rule of this guide. Remember that this rule applies to any and all that have had a terrible, or in some cases a good life up until this point.

Rule 1: The universe hates you, but not totally.

This rule is the number one rule of this guide, and yes you will see this rule come up frequently in the rest of the guide. Now lets get on with you and how you got here, and who you are.

The universe. It's big. You wouldn’t believe how mind bogglingly big the universe actually is. Since this is being said, a lot of freaky stuff happens all the time everywhere. Now a lot of that freaky stuff happens on Earth. Why the freakishness has chose Earth as its toy is beyond us, but the most likely reason is that the universe hates you. Who were you before you came to Equestria? Were you a famous leader, or a great artist, or a hobo who might be friendly more or less so? Or were you a world renown super villain? At this time we don't really care what you were, because we are here to make you into who you can be. For this guide to work properly we must simulate your arrival so that you might have a better understanding of how the universe trolls you. (We are still not sure what a "Troll" is but you humans use the term a lot.)

Before we move on, here is a small list of common ways humans like yourself have entered Equestria. The most odd thing about the stories you share with us is that most of them involve you dying. Why you died is equally as strange, and what's worse is that you come here with others. (Note: These are not in numerical order from most common to least common.)

1. Plane crash. (This is the least common method of teleportation used to get to our world.)

2. Boat accident. ( You died on a boat, this means that you didn't wear a life preserver, and this being said that means that you are stupid.)

3. Car crash. (We have still haven't found out what a "car" is but we are still looking into it.)

4. Getting hit by a car. (We don't know what it is with you humans but you keep getting hit by these stupid things. We have currently 1337 stories told that say before they came here they were hit by cars.)

5. Boot to the head.

6. Suicide. (If you did this to escape life, then the universe hates you. Welcome to a new one.)

7. Stargate. (Where did you find this?)

8. Aliens. (The universe is using its troll monkeys to find and foal-nap you.)

9. Brick in the bowl. (You shouldn't of had that burrito if you know what I'm saying.)

10. You were murdered by a stick of butter. (... Once, that’s how many times this has happened.)

11. A big portal through time and space tears itself right in your backyard. ( Believe it or not this happens a lot, and it also happens in other random places.)

12. Muffins. (This is another uncommon way to come here. Example: You are sitting there enjoying a muffin, and then all of a sudden you pass out and wake up in Equestria.)

Now that you have a better understanding of how humans find their way here, let’s talk about how you got here.

As stated before, to better understand how you got here we will simulate your crossing. Here is your story as told from the voices of many humans who have suffered the same fate as yourself. For this scenario we will pretend you came here by means of getting hit by a car.

Once upon your planet. You, the human, were walking one day outside in your little city on what seemed like an average day. You have had a good life, or that is what you thought. Because it is at this point in time that a human car driver has decided that it is a good idea to see if he can do the funky chicken while driving at 45 miles an hour. You of course you are to busy with other matters to notice your impending doom. So within seconds the car and your body make contact, and just like that it kills you on the spot. It is not until now that the driver has realized what he has done, and removes himself from his "car" to inspect your once living self. Although he feels bad about what he did, he quickly notices that you are dead and are in no more need of your wallet.

In your dead state you see a light. This is what most humans have told us they see before they die. This little white light is not in fact human heaven. Because if it was, you would walk into a land of more death and violence, either that or you were secretly a terrible person and your going to hell. We have also had humans say that you feel immense pain as you start to regain consciousness. You see the gateway, or portal from your world to ours transforms your physical being into a pony. It is said that this process is extremely long, and terribly painful. Remember that good life you thought you had? Well, you're probably not having a good one at this point. Next thing you remember you are waking up in a field, or in Canterlot.

It is time for the history we mentioned earlier.

History lesson 1: Once not too long ago, a unicorn named Lyra approached the Canterlot magical science foundation with the idea that a race of creatures called "Humans" existed beyond our realm. She also brought up the idea that they could also be in fact the creators of Equestria. Many of the higher magical council members dismissed this idea and sent her off in tears. It was not till recently however that proof of humans existence was discovered purely by accident. Lyra was in Ponyville (A place we will discuss at a later time.) when she saw a huge hole open in the sky. Interested in what it could be she discovered the remains of what looked like a whale. On top of said whale was an orange Colt named Timothy. Believe it or not Timothy accompanied Lyra to the magical council with the whale, and proved that humanity existed. Like before, the council dismissed the idea and sent them both (and the whale) home in tears, but later more and more human-ponies started to show up like crazy talking about the same place. Baffled by this the council was given more than enough proof, and so now Lyra now runs the E.S.H.i.E.R.G. Or the Equestrian Search for Humans in Equestria Recruitment Guild. Why the i in the middle is lower cased is beyond us.

That is how you were brought here. The E.S.H.i.E.R.G. detected your arrival and now you are here. Do you remember that bit about this guide referring to you as a creature? Well that was a lie too, we are completely aware that you were human.

Now to find out little about yourself. As you already know by now you are not a human, you are a pony. The question is what kind of pony are you, and what gender? Ponies in Equestria and their Anatomy will be described at a later time, for now we will cover the basics. What sub-species of pony are you? There are three kinds of ponies that live in Equestria, each with unique and powerful traits. The types of ponies are listed below.

Earth Ponies. (Their strong, fast, and have the ability to adapt to their surroundings the best out of anypony in Equestria, plus they're the best farmers.)

Unicorns. (The most magical and intelligent of the three. Unicorns have horns that allow them to use magic for whatever he or she pleases to do. It is with their use of magic that makes them able to have a great sense of manipulation and power over items like crystals, and those stupid peanut butter jars where you just can't get the lid off.)

And the Pegasi. (These powerful ponies have wings which give them the ability to race at powerful speeds. This however only applies to a certain number of ponies. Pegasi can control cloud movement by bucking clouds, and they can even move on the fluffy things as well.)

And in some rare cases Alicorns. (If you have been turned into an Alicorn than the universe is not just making you a demi-god, no. It means that it hates our beloved Princess Celestia, because her and her sister will hunt you down and send you to a place where the sun may never shine ever again. And that is for you just existing. Which in return is the universe saying it really hates you.)

Now that you know what ponies exist, it means you have a better understanding of what you are. This is another large step for you on your way to becoming a true Equestrian! Now we will come back to the subject of what gender you are. Like most creatures ponies have males, and females. We will cover male and female interaction at a later time. For now you should just look at yourself, and if you don't see a... You know, I think that if you came from Earth then you should know the difference between a male and female. If you are stupid however than the next rule applies to you.

Rule 2: Everypony has a place in Equestria, even the stupid ones.

If you are stupid then I'm sure you can find another guide on male and female differences. For now, lets assume you are a (insert gender here).

This concludes our section of this guide for the moment, but before we close this chapter lets review what you've learned.

1. The universe hates you, but not totally.

2. You are a pony.

3. You now live in Equestria, so don't panic.

4. You have come to terms with yourself so OMG YES THIS IS HAPPENING.

5. You have the chance at a new life, you also found out that some letters like to stay lower cased.

6. Everypony has a place in Equestria. Even the stupid ones.

7. You learned the many freaky ways that humans come here, and why you should leave you wallet in your car. (We don't know what those are still.)

8. And some history about the organization that brought you here from your entry point.

9. This guide lies about... Some things.

These are just a quick list of the many things you learned today about yourself and your new life. The next topic will cover money, careers, and living arrangements in the magical land of Equestria. We will go over what your special talent is, and how you can make money doing it.

But it is time we close this section of the guide and move on to the next. So please, don't panic, everything will work out in the end. Just watch out for the universe, you never know when it will play a trick on you because it truly does hate you.

TOPICS COVERED IN THE FULL GUIDE: Mating and love, diet, food, anatomy, careers, jobs, and talents (Next), communication with the world and its ponies, history, and culture. (This will be integrated into the guide as we go.) We will cover these and maybe more... Maybe.

(This was written for the pure enjoyment of the author. This, as you can already tell, was not made to be serious. Some grammar issues and errors and purposely placed there for comedic purposes.)

Proofread by:

Noakwolf

Colonel Lat Muffin

Thefullmetalbrony

Comments

[Unicron]

I read this in Cave Johnson's voice.

[smashbrawlguy]

It's an interesting idea, but the execution could be better. The writing is plagued by punctuation and grammar errors, and quality suffers as a result.

[Azarias]

I do want to see more of this guide, so I will track it!

[Glassed]

"The universe. Its big. You won't believe how mind bogglingly big the universe actually is." ... I think I love you
This is so bucking awesome. I see some inspiration (a lot actually) from "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" (good choice)
Thank you for entertaining me for a few minutes, I'll track this... Oh! And thanks for all the fish
-Glassed

[Elastas]

203193 ...you weren't the only one.

[Red Glare]

I read this in CL4P-TP's voice

[Unlimited Harmony Xtreme]

This is great, I can't wait for more. 5 and track

[Purple Blaze]

*reads "History lession" and falls asleep*

*5 hours later wakes up*
Oh, hey, did I miss something?

[Noakwolf]

203269

Congratulations you have earned a Noak cookie.

*Tosses cookie at screen*

This means that I and the universe don't hate you. So please relax the universe won't go after you... Maybe.

[The Incredible Werekitty]

Once I realized that he took inspiration from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I read it in the voice the Movie used for the Guide.

[Noakwolf]

203287

I pretend I'm him when I write this. lol

[Mard93]

1 word.... Supertastic

[Blossom]

1 word SUPERTASTICULTRAGOODMEGAEPICFUNTIME Or Cherry Chonga

[Mobius of the Moon]

203222
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy...
Oh, yes, it's been forever since I saw it, but it was hilarious.

[Glassed]

203424 SAW!? Mobi, you have disappointed me greatly! You are charged with Why the buck didn't you read the book!? What do you have to say in your defense?
... But yeah, the movie's great
-Glassed

[Noakwolf]

203424

YOU MUST READ TEH BOOKS I DEMAND YOU DO SO NOW!!!!

[Mobius of the Moon]

203441>>203445
... Oops?

[Glassed]

203459 You've just messed with two slightly insane book-lovers. Now the question is; are you feeling lucky? Kitty!?

-Glassed

[RedCharge]

if only, i were a pony, a rooster would crow, and it would be so
Sorry i suck at rhyming, I have to work on my timing

[Mobius of the Moon]

203468
Hey, I'm a fellow book lover! I just haven't read that book.

Oooohh! What's your favorite series/book?

[Zorse12345]

If you'll excuse me, i'm going to go shove 20 muffins down my throat now.

[Master Lyra]

LAWL
'tis all I have to say.
*tracks*

[Glassed]

203471 Oh, I'm reading all sorts of stuff. Sci-fy, fantasy, detective novels, comedies and love-stories.
Right now I'm reading Storm Front the first book in the The Dresden Files-series. Oddly enough, it was actually a fic on this site that made me start reading it, and I have a hunch that it just might become my favorite series
But I think "The Hobbit" might be my favorite book right now, as I've read it like 6 times!
-Glassed

[Mobius of the Moon]

203503
hmmm... okay. I have too many favorites to count.

[Glassed]

203508 Haha, that's the same feeling I have with this site Seriously if you take a look at my favorites, you'll see what I mean
Sadly, my book-reading is a bit non-existent right now. I'm reading too many fanfics and then there's my homework piling up. Ugh...
But hey, fics are kinda like books... right?
-Glassed

[Mobius of the Moon]

203539
... I don't know... *shrug*

[Glassed]

203555 You seem kinda out of it today... Where'd your snarkiness go? Slow day?
-Glassed

[Mobius of the Moon]

203568
Headache. Slows down my brain processes.

[Glassed]

203580 I feel your pain (was that a pun? I believe it was) man Oh wait, I don't really, but... You get my point. Hope you get better soon man
-Glassed

[Mobius of the Moon]

203593
Thanks.

[Twilitbook]

.....WOW.

I am thrilled to see that I wasn'tthe only one who read this as Cave Johnson's voice. Honestly, I can sense his sarcasm right in this! VERY well written, and gotta love Hitchhikers.

Tracked SON!

[Griffin2x]

Loved it, tracking and a box full of stars.

[Sailorleo]

203459

Don't mind them too much. Every version of the Guide is simultaneously uncanon anyway, since they intentionally contradict themselves and each other. The original radio play would be nearly as unrecognizable to the book readers as the movie is.

[Noakwolf]

203630

I'm am literally crying tears of joy. Its not even right, I expected like 10 people actually read this. I, I dont even... I'm, I cant. I'm speechless.

Cookies for all!

[Ferote]

TIS BUCKING HILARIOUS i SAY
This is Cave Johnson were done here
5 track fave

[Dracoliat]

Nicely done, I loved it however I found this mistake in the first few sentences.

"This guide is given to all creatures who are not native to this terrestrial relm..."
It should be "realm"

[Reisys]

Laughed the entire time. Five starred and tracked

[Noakwolf]

203684

Thank you for pointing out this horrible mistake, I will see to it that the writer (me) receives this message you have sent to him. He will be notified as soon as possible. Once again he is not in need of help, and he is not in the second tower of the Canterlot royal Castle.

Thank you.

-Noakwolf

[Nightmare-sol]

203471 actually its 6 books

[Mobius of the Moon]

203721
... Oh. I wondered.

[thefenixfamily]

203236
ME TOO!!! :D well, not at first, but once i got to where he introduced the 3 different types of ponies, i started reading it like claptrap.

[Wayofthepen]

The one thing that surprises me is that Noak didn't expect to get plenty of views on this. Nice job man, stars and track = yours

[Delta Gamma]

Structure and content seem good, but there are lots of spelling and grammatical errors in this.

ΔΓ

[Nightmare-sol]

203724 there is also 2 different authors for them. the first 5 were written by Douglas Adams and the last one was written by eion colfer after Douglas Adams died. There is also a short story called "zaphod plays it safe".

p.s the time travel will probably confused the shit out of you.

[Mobius of the Moon]

203792
Nope. If I can wrap my head around the multiverse, I can understand paradoxes just fine!

[Nightmare-sol]

203795 the paradoxes aren't the problem, its when it starts to fuck up your memory and you cant remember what happened when.
I got to find the books again so I can reread them....

[Noakwolf]

203778

I'm just going with the basic's. I don't like to go to deep into it. Plus its a lot easier for me if I just write the way I do. If I went deep into this maybe then I can see where your coming from, but as long as the words are spelled right, and I enjoy writing then I'm happy. But thanks for the constuctive criticism though! Plus I'm tring to write this as if the narrator from HGTTG would write this, so the way it speaks is much more different then most other stories. So it does seem a little odd to read.

[ek91]

That was hilarious 5 stars and tracked

[Bugenhagen]

Cave Johnson as narrator ftw.
Also can't wait for mating section...lol jk.

[Big Mac.]

must read books NOW! sorry never actually read them or seen the movie but ive heard alot about it and this is really good so far