• Published 9th Feb 2012
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The Human's Guide to Life in Equestria. - Noakwolf

A guide for those who have by some strange coincidence ended up in Equestria. Isn't that unfortunate.

  • ...

Abnormal day to day life.


Please, stop for a moment. Look at yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished. After all, you have come a long way from being a stupid pony who thinks like a human to a slightly more better smarter pony who more or less thinks like a human. Now, if you haven't noticed already that the title shows what we will discuss in this section of the guide.

As stated above we will cover your normal day to day life which isn't really normal in the sense that it isn't normal but it's normal because it is. Your life has been full of weird stuff, like for instance, you used to be a pony only your a human now... wait... Forget about that bit. The case is weird stuff has happened to you, and you think it's over? No, this is only the beginning, the beginning of a long and weird life...

You see a lot of weird things are in the world in which we live. Having said this means that the town of Ponyville has seen its fair share of weird stuff. In return that means it will happen to you. At this time you can't begin to imagine the horrifying, terrible, unspeakable things that happen in Equestria. So this guide will prepare you for your life ahead of you, though this will not be the last installment of the guide, it will cover a lot of important information.

Some of this information will include how to survive and protect against zombies which may or may not exist, and stuff like that. But since zombie ponies might exist, only means that they probably don't. So, preparing for something like this could be a waste of your time, unless you have a time traveling car that is silver. (Though we are not sure why it's silver, two ponies came here and told us about it. Oddly one was wearing a life jacket and the other some weird clothing...)

You should have the following completed, and learned. If not, then well... it just sucks to be you.

1. You have come to terms with your new self.

2. You should have a general understanding of where you stand.

3. Bail lemons are bad, very bad, so bad that bad stuff happens when you look at them. In fact they are so bad that bad is not a good word for them, so instead we will use the word bad... or terrible, whichever works best.

4. You know what your special talent is and how to make money off it.

5. You learned how to date and find that special somepony.

6. You learned that if you get an arrow in the knee that your ability to adventure might be compromised.

7. This guide sometimes lies in a truthful way.

8. Jello tastes nice.

9. Shitheads are intelligent.

10. You learned more stuff but we need to have at least ten things here because if we don't put more then that it will look unprofessional.

Those are just some of the many things you've learned while reading this guide. Do you feel that warm strong feeling in your chest? Well that might be heartburn, but if it isn't then that's the feeling of accomplishment.

As stated before a lot of freaky things happen, in the town of Ponyville in particular. Since you most likely live in Ponyville means that said freaky stuff might happen to you. So, we will cover and list what to do and not to do in these kinds of situations you may or may not be put in. Because let's face it, you probably have no clue what's really out there.

One of the most common things that might happen on a perfectly normal day in Equestria is the random a random attacking of some kind of monster. It is a well known fact that 93% of creatures love to destroy pony structures for pure enjoyment, or they just need to get some milk and everypony freaks out when they show up. Another common random event is random visitors, for instance in one case a real human, yes a real human woke up in the middle of the Canterlot matting chambers. Of course his transformation occurred several hours later, but he was forever scarred for life. The best thing to do for things like this is to make sure you mate under the covers, this way you can have 64% less awkwardness when they magically appear in your room. And, believe it or not, this happens 19.234677812% of the time. The reason behind this is because the universe can control beings to create or alter the transdemetional barrier that borders our two worlds.

So, just to be safe follow this rule.

Rule 11: Don't panic, just run around in circles till it leaves.

This rule will, without a doubt save your life from the weird stuff the universe has bestowed upon you. However, this method does not apply to one kind of pony. But before we go on you have to understand where we are coming from. What the guide is about to state will forever change the way you look at, life, the universe, and everything. You see, pink ponies have supernatural powers that not even her highness Princess Celestia can comprehend. They can teleport, tell the future, throw amazing parties, and destroy or alter the very fabric of the universe.

It is because of this that the guide has to discuss about such ponies for your own well being. Pink ponies are very bad, stay away from them. And whatever you do, please do not accept the cookie they offer you if they do so. All we can say for those poor, poor souls is that they probably are having a very bad day.

In fact, pink ponies cause 117 disasters on average every year for the past 600 years. Because of this her highness has implemented strange pink pony awareness programs into most of the schools in Equestria. Here is a list of things you should do if you see one. However, if you are in fact a pink pony, please do not take all of our fish. Thank you.

1. Dance.

2. Run.

3. Dance while running.

4. Charge your power level for two whole seasons before actually doing something, and hopefully the problem will be gone.

5. If you could not do the last option, then run under a table and count to 4.

5.5. If you can't count to 4 just suck it up and deal with it.

6. Crap yourself and run.

7. Ponder the meaning of existence.

8. Use a Bail lemon.

9. Join in the insanity. (Many of humans enjoy this option a whole lot, mainly because they get party cannons.)

The only exception to this rule is Ponyvilles Pinkie Pie. In fact, she created the program to stop evil pink ponies from terrorizing ponies such as yourself. The oddest part about this all is that they are particularly found of human-ponies, though why is question that may never be answered. Though the most likely reason is because they themselves are the wicked spawn of the universe.

So, in conclusion, it is best to stay away from them. Except for me!

If you don't know already there is a being of pure chaotic energy called Q, but he also goes by Discord. Discord is the god of chaos, and has been the main source of chaos since the earliest time of pony history. Every now and again he comes back from his stony prison to wreak havoc on Equestria. It is because of his reappearances that this guide should inform you of how to deal with the extreme form of randomness he creates in the world when he is about.

Here is a picture of the fiend, and all his weirdness. Look at it carefully, but not too much or your eyes might explode.

The Royal Chaos Management Bureau or the RCmB did not have any pictures of him, so instead somepony drew this while they were starring at muffins. The RCmB has confirmed that eating muffins while singing will in fact save you from any spell he may cast on you. This theory was proven effective when Ditzy Doo, who is the local Mail-Mare, managed to be virtually immune to his chaos while she was both singing and eating a muffin.

Though this section is not particularly long, doesn't mean it's any less important. So watch out for Discord, because he could get you when your guard is down.

Your day today life as you are aware, will consist of normal things like, eating, reading, planting, mining for diamond, and killing dragons and taking their souls. Though the last bit is a little unlikely, but that is perfectly fine if it doesn't bother you.

Now, this is the most important thing to memorize when living life here in our world. But we don't have the resources or the time to tell you, so we'll leave you with a list of common things to look out for on a normal day. It will also list what the best thing to do to help you in that scenario. Please note that these are not in numerical order, so please don't freak out on us.

1. Giant monster/creature from the everfree forest. (Just follow rule 11 and you should be fine.)

2. The Sheen. (These horrible High Priest Vatican Assassin Warlocks can be only killed with purified tiger blood... or bug spray.)

3. The Cutie Poxs. (A flower that is not listed in the Canterlot Archives, but don't worry we're sure you'll get better.)

4. Decapitation. (You're probably not having a good day at the moment. So, it is best to consider how life has treated you up until this point, but seeing the current condition of your head means that life hasn't been that good to you at all.)

5. Parasprites. (Chant a song, or play an instrument and hope they go away.)

6. Watch sales ponies. (Kill it with fire.)

7. The bad thing that does bad things to ponies when nopony is looking. (...We can't say how to combat this or if it even exists.)

8. Muggers. (Use the guide as a weapon, and just so you know the cover is made with enchanted steel, so a good whack to the old noggin should stop them.)

9. Dragons. (Arrows... lots of arrows, or a Fluttershy. And if you use arrows aim for the chin or the knee.)

10. A Mega-Spell. (Run for your life, flee the country, and never look back.)

These, just like many other lists the guide has shown you, does not list all of the bad things that one might experience here. No, there are far too many things to list in this humble guide to your new life. But these are some of the most common.

Now assuming you've been here for some time now means you might have heard ponies in the street singing randomly. I mean that's normal if some ponies break into song every now and again, but as a pony of this world you must be prepared to sing when a town decides to sing or else... The penalty for failing to sing properly during random song time is 64 days on the moon.

For instance, if you sing like a cow giving birth to a dying cat, that has the four heads that are conveniently garden gnomes, then you'll probably get sent to the moon for 128 days. Who sends you to the moon you ask? Why our gentle, kind, loving... blessed, almighty, great, supreme... leader, Princess Celestia. (Who is still holding me captive... I have told you for some time now that I'm in Canterlot, but the reality is I'm not quite sure where I am... Please rescue me...)

Celestia and her younger sister Luna, make sure that everypony sings when a song has started. Failing to sing to their standards results in, well you know already what happens. So for your own survival practice singing whenever you can. Practice in the shower, in the tub, while mating with you other, while singing, or in the rain. It doesn't matter when or where just make sure you have decent voice when you join in on the song. Though oddly you should naturally know the lyrics to the song even though you have never heard said song ever in your life. (Or new life, but we're sure it's both.) This is a natural chemical in the brain that recognizes pony music, because singing is in your blood. So the lyrics to any random song should come naturally.

Please remember this simple rule while joining the chorus.

Rule 12: Singing your little heart out. But, make sure you pick it up off the floor once you're done singing. Because scientific studies say that hearts that have left your chest cavity for too long might result in death.

Now, if you look up into the sky on any normal Tuesday you will see a giant, or rather several giant ominous dark shapes in the sky. These are the Aquarians. They are a high-tech race of dolphins that found our tiny planet some 700 years ago. The reason we are informing you about these creatures is because they are literally pointing a big, hurtful weapon thing at our planet. The only thing stopping them from killing us all is the infamous Doodle Twists. What are Doodle Twists you might ask? Well stay still and we'll tell you.

History 5: Long ago, during the earlier days of Equestria. Many ponies believed in a religion called Fishism. The belief was that the whole universe was a giant ocean and they were sea-ponies. Now, the giant fish in the sky chose who lived and who died. So every Tuesday they would catch a lot of fish and burn them to piss off their god. Because they weren't totally sure if it was real, so they killed fish in hopes that it would piss it off and come down to them. This method didn't work... at all. But then a small light appeared and a dolphin came out of the ship. Out of pure terror and panic the ponies started throwing lemons at the aliens. Outraged, the Aquarian brought back his friends to kick their pony flanks. You would think that all life as we know it would be gone right? Wrong, instead the ponies had a secret weapon, which are known as the Doodle Twists.

Doodle Twists are golden pretzel like things that possess magical and unworldly properties. It just so happens that the Doodle Twists are the only weakness to the Aquarians. So Princess Celestia decreed that all cities, towns, and settlements have at least one with them at all times. The Doodle Twists are a item that naturally repels energy of the universe, so all the freaky stuff can't get to you if you have one. Unfortunately there are only 222 of them in the whole world.

They were made when a pony called Apple Twist, decided his invention of golden pretzels would make evrypony happy. Ponies who tasted the magical pretzels gain mystical powers, though it is unclear as to where, or why the power of these things are so powerful. The most likely reason is that the chemical X he put in them did something.

So, here is the conversation between the Princess and Apple Twist and how the Doodle Twists came into being what they are now.

"You called your majesty!"

"Yes Apple tart, I need your help des-"

"Apple Tart?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Apple Twist. Right?"


"Anyway, have you completed the secret weapons yet?"

"Yes your majesty and I even put sugar on one of them."

"...Okay... That's good... When can I expect the first shipment."

"Twelve days, or so."

"Good...." It was at this time that she started laughing maniacally. "I WILL DESTROY THEM! WITH THESE AT MY DISPOSAL THERE SHALL BE NO HOPE FOR THEM!"

"Um, I hate to interupt. But why don't we use the orbital rainbow cannons?"

"Apple Twist, shut up. I can freakin kill you right now if I wanted too."

It was then that he pissed himself, and he went to make more Doodle Twists. Though the Aquatic mammal menace is stopped for now, this doesn't mean they won't try conquering our world. And that is where children come from. Moral of the story, don't piss Celestia off. Oh, and the most effective means of protection against most supernatural things is with Doodle Twists. Unfortunately, there are only 200ish Doodle Twists out in the world so your chances of getting one are very very very slim.

That is how Doodle Twists became the very thing we know and love today. Though you probably need to think twice before eating them, because they have been known to cause indigestion and heartburn... or accomplishment.

Now you might be wondering, what can one do if my home and loved ones are threatened? There are few if any real things you can do to help them in an emergency. But you can do a few things that may, or may not help.

1. In case of parasprites: Have a instrument on hand and make sure they can't get in. (We're not sure what a hand is but most humans seem to miss them.)

2. In case of creepers: Don't stand one block away and don't leave the door open.(?)

3. In case of Pink Ponies: Deal with it or die a party animal.

4. In case of ponies attacking your house: Go into the corner, get into the fetal position and pray somepony helps you because they are probably laughing at your inability to defend your home.

5. In case of dragons: You might want to talk to Flutterkin the Dragonborn. She might be able to help you and your loved ones because she's... nice. (Though we are 20% sure she doesn’t have any relations to dragons in any way.)

6. In case of those door to door sales ponies, like Filly Mayes, then get some money and through it into a fire. This should either do one of two things. 1. It might enrage it. 2. It could drive it away. Though we are sure the first answer is the most likely so it's best if you don't do anything and wait till it leaves.

Though we might not have mentioned the many more things you may encounter, most human-ponies have found that finding their own solutions work the best. And it also depends if you live in Ponyville or not, but we're sure you live in Ponyville.

This concludes this section of the guide for now. Now, as always we will recap what we learned. Though this time we will do it in paragraph form, because lists are becoming overused and they are threatening to sue us. Though that would be hard to do seeing as the writer is trying to find out where exactly he is so he can get help.

Today you learned: How to defend your home, from weird things. How to fend off the power of the universe using Doodle Twists. You learned about the Aquarians and their plans for world conquest. Q, you learned about him, or rather, you learned about Discord. We learned that the writer is not in the canterlot tower. You learned that Celestia does not handle her temper well. You also learned about things we've learned about in the past.

Well that concludes what we've learned... well not really all but we'll come back to this at a later time.

And as always. So long, and thanks for all the Doodle Twists.

(Next: Famous ponies, and how to become well known, and communication.)
(Previous: Love and Mating.)






(The image used in the guide was done by Metallica1147, and the image rightfully belongs to him.)

(AN: What did you like about this chapter? Was it good? Probably... Well anyway, thanks for reading! Oh and thanks to all of you who generously helped proofread. I know this was a long wait but you can't rush genius... well if that's what you're going to call it anyway... So, leave a like, and if you really liked it then say so in the comments. If you have questions about the guide then ask below, I'll be sure to answer them the best I can.)